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Worthless

I want to rip my hair out and scream right now. These past two days have been a non-stop barrage of things to do and more things to do, and more and more new ticking time bombs.

There are apartment troubles, money troubles, school troubles, school troubles, self-esteem troubles, friend troubles, romantic troubles, school troubles, MCAT troubles, school troubles, fitness troubles, chore troubles, trouble troubles, school troubles, troubles troubles, health troubles, eye infection troubles, self-esteem troubles, planning troubles, anger troubles, school troubles, and MCAT troubles.

And once again, I'm more alone than ever. I always listen to other people's problems and offer them advice, but it's difficult for me to seek out help myself. And when I do seek out help, nobody listens. I'm realizing that I have no real friends now, nobody to turn to in my time of need. I know everybody says this, but I feel misunderstood and distant. Either they're all worthless or I'm worthless. It's easier to accept that I'm the worthless one.

In the end, all that's left is family. They're the only ones keeping me afloat, keeping me from drowning myself.

UPDATE: Ha ha never mind, life's pretty all right.

Day 82: Interstitium

Once again, I must apologize for the lack of updates. Given my impending MCAT, I'm afraid I'm no longer able to provide worthwhile daily blog posts. Naturally, accompanying this feeling is a marked feeling of disappointment and dishonesty toward myself.

Regardless, I'll do my best to pop in and write whenever something big happens. After July 14, expect the return of the Steven Dailies, and maybe even a change in my current titling schema (exciting!).

I leave now with this self-portrait. I am happy. My grades are improving, my fitness is improving, and my friends are wonderful. I'm also motivated to do big things for the first time since freshman year. Summer promises to be exciting, as I have two superhero movies, two anime conventions, the end of my MCAT, living in Los Angeles with my own car, some video game releases and tournaments, seeing tons of great people, sleeping without covers, the official release of the Hammer Yearbook (featuring the writing of yours truly), and much, much more to look forward to.

Admittedly, things have not been perfect. Some ridiculous roommate drama has interfered with my week, but I resolved it well. Of my three worst traits (manipulative, dramatic, cruel), I've managed to make significant progress with two. I also didn't get a teaching internship I really wanted, but that's just evidence of my poor interview skills, something that can easily be fixed by the time my medical school applications ship next year. Looking back at my list of Spring Quarter guidelines, I didn't do too great of a job of adhering to those either.

Still, I'm very pleased with how 2012 has turned. In winter, I was an emotional, unhappy wreck for a multitude of reasons. Everything was so bleak and hostile. I really have my ever supportive friends and family to thank for my successful recovery.

Writing has helped too, and I'd like to formally thank my couple of readers for reminding me that I'm not alone. Sure, I can count you guys on one hand, but I appreciate your existence as much as I appreciate my fingers.

Thanks, guys.

#random #break #life

Day 81: Infatuated (Part 2)

Two consecutive mornings now have I woken up with my heart knotted tight. I swore to immediately record my first dream, but it evaporated from my short term memory all too fast as dreams are wont to do. Luckily, I've just awoken from the second and my heart and my hippocampus have not yet separated.

I'm uncertain if she was the same girl. This girl was much less shy, much less eccentric, and summoned as I drifted to sleep with MCAT lectures in my ear. Perhaps auditory experiences have a tendency to color my nighttime romances, as I do know that the girl from the previous night was also rather ordinary. Tonight I shall try listening to Marvin Gaye.

She bumped into me on my way to class, at a surprising impasse. A winding wooden cottage had replaced an intersection near sorority row and I was navigating it before I met the building's owner. She showed up simultaneously, and we both received our directions to campus with enthusiasm.

On the way to class, we got to know one another. She was an athlete and fashion major. I regretted wearing my shabby old Quiksilver sweatshirt, but she didn't seem to mind. I told her I had time to spare (I did not) and was also headed to the bookstore, a cabin-like loft on the top of a giant tree powered by electricity. I know this because a power outage caused the lights to go out as she delivered a delightful, muted shriek, jumping close to my side.

I'm beginning to think these dreams happen because I'm lonely. Or maybe I've actually fallen in love in real life but refuse to admit it and these are but residual feelings.

At the counter, she revealed her feisty side, loudly chastising the cashier for presenting me the wrong book. The book I wanted was medically related, but I had in my hands a book full of pictures of cats' faces. Unfortunately, that was when a fire alarm to the tune of my morning alarm clock brought me back to dull reality.

I really liked this girl but I miss the intrigue of the shy steampunk girl, and I don't even like steampunk. Maybe some lord of dreams is putting me through a speed dating experience to help me figure out who I want to be with.

#love #dreams

Day 80: Monday, May 20

Monday night was the first time I've wished I could be in two places at once. At the apartment, the final Lakers game and the MBC Korean Music Wave were being shown. However, I was in Santa Monica celebrating the dual birthdays of two good arcade friends.

The restaurant, Il Forno Trattoria in Santa Monica, was nothing short of amazing. The bruschetta was the perfect blend of warm and crispy, my seafood pesto fettuccini still haunts me in my sleep, and the tiramisu was...well, it was a little better than the Costco tiramisu I had over the weekend. It was a fun time and I got to meet some very interesting characters.

Here's an awful picture of my wonderful pasta dish:

In particular, one friend of the host truly made an impression. He was mysteriously composed yet earnestly open. Our talks ranges from neuroscience (during which I embarrassingly confused oligodendrocytes with glial cells) to cinema. Apparently in both medical school and business school, this guy knew a lot. He was also an inexhaustible source of motivating speech and odd jokes. I suspect he was high during the entire dinner.

I arrived home to find out the Lakers lost and the Google concert was great.

Day 79: Sunday, May 20

Sunday was the SMTown concert with UCLA friends.

We stopped at Downtown Disney beforehand to grab some food before heading to Honda Center. Given my familiarity with the area for Ducks games, I was able to procure free parking for our small group.

I'll admit that I never really got around to watching all the relevant music videos or interviews and becoming a K-pop fanatic ahead of time. Regardless, SMTown was a fantastic experience. The girls were beautiful, the guys energetic, the outfits outrageous, the special effects over-the-top, the vocal performances stellar, the dances slick, and the surprises non-stop.

My favorite performance was "Twinkle" by Girls' Generation. Unfortunately, only seven of the nine members were present, but that didn't affect the core trio of Taeyeon, Seohyun, and Tiffany (my favorite members) for "Twinkle." They are so gorgeous and talented!

My favorite surprise was a cover of Katy Perry's "California Gurls" performed by Jessica of Girls' Generation and Krystal of f(x). I also have a newfound favorite in f(x)'s emcee, Amber. She's so cute!

Boy supergroup Super Junior did a great job pumping everybody up with some seriously enthusiastic acts. I didn't even like any of their music videos, but seeing them live has converted me. Plus, Yesung looks a lot like Jaedong, my favorite Starcraft player.

For some reason, SHINee thought it would be cool to fully rock out with air guitars during unfittingly placed rock sections at the end of each of their songs. BoA was good. EXO and TVXQ were good.

Fanboying aside, I nearly lost my voice from screaming during the concert. Oh wait, that was fanboyism.

Here's a picture of the closing ceremony I snapped.

#SM_Town #friends

Day 78: Saturday, May 19

Resuming this futile attempt to properly cover my previous four-day weekend, I'll continue where I left off three posts ago.

Day after my aunt visited, I spent the Saturday morning normally: breakfast, tennis, lunch, homework. I then headed up to Round 1 to see a buddy who's about to move away. Round 1 is a really nice place now; they've got a ton of new music games, including Pop'n Music and Beatmania IIDX. Unfortunately, I've lost interest in music games as of late.

I had a good time catching up with old friends and making new ones. Even considering the petty drama I've instigated and observed over the past two years, it's comforting to know that I can still drop by the area and have a good time.

#arcade #friends

Day 77: My Fitness Pal

It's finally time to get back in the swing of things. I received a warning call at the doctor's when my blood pressure came back as abnormally high. My weight has also gone back up to almost high school levels. The first issue may have been a result of sleep deprivation and caffeine abuse, and the second is exonerated by a recent increase in weight training. Still, only a fool doesn't heed a warning.

I've gone back to using MyFitnessPal and once my eyes heal completely, I'm going to go all out with exercise. Right now, all I can do is watch what I eat and run when I can.

#health #fitness #diet

Day 76: Eye Infection

So after four weeks of not treating the damn thing, I finally found time to visit my family doctor about the eye infection. It was diagnosed as bacterial conjunctivitis, or pink eye. Got the proper eye drops and am on the road to recovery.

I've always had issues with my eyes. I developed nearsightedness rather early, got itchy eyes from allergies as a kid, had to deal with the piercing agony of gas permeable contact lenses for five years, and have always had comically thick glasses lenses. Having fallen asleep a lot with contacts in during high school (three times a day on average), my eyes are anything but pristine. Fortunately, there's no retina damage.

Even now, I haven't been treating my eyes right. I've put on contacts two times since being diagnosed in order to play tennis, despite orders from my doctor to not do so. He told me that doctors make the worst patients. I hope that's a good sign.

#eyes #health

Day 75: Friday, May 18

I'll be postponing my next JRPG List to Day 100 because things have been too hectic for much video gaming at all.

My aunt came to visit last week, and I spent most of Friday with her and my dad. I haven't seen her for two years, but I felt uncomfortable around her. This is probably because she asked me a lot of startlingly personal questions in a language I'm not very good with. Still, family is family so I did my best to be a good host.

We went to Kaiser in the morning to finally get my eye infection checked out (see the next post) before heading to Irvine Spectrum for lunch at The Cheesecake Factory. The food was generally good, but their jambalaya was mediocre and the "ultimate red velvet cheesecake" not nearly as delicious as I remembered. Maybe it's better extra cold.

The afternoon was spent exploring Laguna Beach and Newport Beach, which was a nice change in scenery from the busy streets and apartment walls that set my normal life. The houses there are all very nice and the people all very jovial. Seeing happy couples everywhere made me wish I was in a relationship.

Finally, we headed home and ate some giant lobster tails and my favorite rotisserie chicken from Rosine's with that delectable garlic butter sauce. Tiramisu and coffee ice cream followed, before I had to say goodbye to her.

I'm not very good at saying goodbyes.

#family

Day 74: Apartment Get!

Last Thursday, I signed the lease for our new apartment for next school year. It's a modestly sized place south of Wilshire. I look forward to settling in when July rolls around, especially furnishing and decorating the new place. Hopefully that will settle my Animal Crossing itch until October.

#school #apartment

Day 73: CACN

Last Saturday was UCLA's Chinese American Culture Night, or CACN. I attended because my roommate had the main role in the Lion Dance performance, which opened the event. He did a really great job.

Unfortunately, the rest of the culture night was a mixed bag. The event, subtitled "Catalyst," retold the story of Vincent Chin, a Chinese-American man who was beat to death by two white men in 1982. The event sparked a movement for social equality in the entire Asian-American community.

First, the good: the lead actors did a good job portraying Vincent and his family, ACA hip-hop had some groovy Harry Potter themed choreo, YouTube star ClaraC did a great job closing the night, and the Lakers beat Denver to move on in the playoffs shortly after.

The middle: an excellent but inappropriately placed Chinese flute solo, the rest of the cast, and the music choice.

The bad: the pacing was awful (Vincent died shortly after the intermission), there was no coherent uplifting message, a considerable drop in acting, script, and backdrop quality in the second half, and a general lack of organization toward the end.

Still, it was a good culture night and I'm glad I went.

#school #culture_night #roommates

Day 72: UCLA Sweatshirt

A week has passed and my sweatshirt has not been returned. I will move on, and maybe purchase a new one (maybe blue!) in the fall.

Here are the only photos of me and my gray UCLA sweatshirt I could find. They were all taken during my freshman year, when I thought it was hip to wear my UCLA sweatshirt, cargo shorts, high socks, and running shoes to class every day. Good thing it's hip now...right? Right?!

This was taken during orientation. Note: weak pre-workout period shoulders, how clean the sweatshirt was when I bought it, and the poor quality of the iPhone 3GS's camera.

Also taken during orientation, after Carpe Noctum, a night scavenger hunt event. I'm proud to have kept up with all these cool cats.

My last picture from orientation. Look how curly my hair used to be! The picture is missing the UCLA stitching, but...

Two instances of UCLA stitching, in your face!

Celebratory dinner after my first quarter at UCLA. I don't look very pleased, but it's really because I just don't know how to smile for pictures.

The official artist behind the Wetzel's Pretzels pumpkin carving team, also known as "The Talent."

In the end, my gray UCLA sweatshirt served me well. As mentioned earlier, I used to wear it everywhere. And then when I realized a sweat-encrusted, torn, oversized school sweatshirt was not only unfashionable, but a knife in fashion's side, I wore it only to run or play sports. I will miss it and it's unfortunate that somebody took it from me, but it's time to move on.

Thank you, gray UCLA sweatshirt.

#school

Day 71: Delay

Hi, dearest readers. I'm sorry I haven't been able to update for four days now. I'm not terribly busy, but I'm extremely distraught from the loss of my dear sweatshirt. I'll get back to writing as soon as I overcome this life hurdle.

I realized today that I touch my head a lot when I study neuroscience and neuroanatomy. My roommate must think I have lice.

#dumb

Day 70: The Avengers

Went out to see The Avengers today. I admit I never got around to watching Iron Man 2, although it didn't seem very interesting from the plot synopsis. Needless to say, The Avengers was excellent. Tons of funny lines, thrilling action, and likeable heroes. Even though the film has been out for a week, we heard plenty of loud cheers during the showing.

I walked out of the theater brimming with thoughts on which Avenger was my favorite. In the end, I couldn't decide between the Hulk and Captain America. The Hulk kicked serious butt and Dr. Banner was incredibly charming, while Cap was still the perfect role model.

A couple disappointments with the film were the lack of intrigue surrounding Loki and Cobie Smulders' (Robin from How I Met Your Mother) character. There was also an annoyingly transparent plot device in the middle of the film. Still, I had a ton of fun in what was probably my first movie theater visit since last summer.

We played basketball afterward, and somebody took my UCLA sweatshirt. Those who know me know how important that thing was to me. I'll try to prepare a fitting tribute for it in my next post.

#movie_night

Day 69: Lame

My 69th post will be an unmemorable one, as I spent Wednesday night helping my suitemate edit his essay. That will count for the day's writing exercise.

#school

Day 68: Debate

Today, I got back my LS15 midterm and didn't do as well as I'd hoped. I did well, but I still need to study for the final now. It was humbling.

More importantly, today was my LS15 debate. My partner and I argued that the human genome shouldn't be perfected, which, to be fair, is a much easier argument to support than the other side. Fortunately for my conscience, our opponents didn't bother coming up with many compelling arguments, so our win was well-earned.

During the open questions section, our familiar chum Potato asked my opponents a rather difficult and arbitrary question, causing them to stumble. Slightly indignant, I chimed in and explained that their argument focused on a separate issue and that his question was stupid. Phrased nicely, of course.

#potato #school

Day 67: Habits

In neuroscience lecture today, we learned about habit formation. Habits are defined as subconscious acts that we will always do in response to a specific stimulus. An easy way to catch a habit is to think of times you did something you shouldn't have, such as making a familiar turn to school on a weekend.

Here are some of my habits I've noticed:

I open the refrigerator when I get home, even if I'm not hungry.

I require a specific orientation when using the coasters at home.

I make a little chopstick holder out of my paper chopstick wrapper at restaurants, even if holders are provided.

I bring a water bottle to bed, even if I'm dead tired and will knock out in a second.

I point out dogs, even if somebody else is speaking.

I used to be unable to type without proper spelling and grammar. Luckily, dat dunt bodder me az much na0

I pick the unpopular characters in games (usually the heavy, clunky guys or the strange ones).

Or if there are no unpopular characters, I will play as a female.

If someone brings up tennis, I start playing "shadow tennis."

I can't end lists with only nine items.

#school #lists

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