meep

23, shehethey <3

[handsomeboymodelingschool]

[suppliant-soul]

feeling: like i’m gonna get my period soon

[suppliant-soul]

i don’t want to lose you like this

[suppliant-soul]

what am i supposed to do if it ends up being true? if it ends up being resolute? so many questioned left unanswered or simply ignored, and i still have so much more to ask.

i’m trying to be optimistic, opportunistic, but it all seems bleak to even begin to maintain such a thought process. it feels as though hardly anyone understands how heavy this weighs my heart. they could try to but 10 years to meet an end like this one? we always spoke to greater futures that waited beyond us; i haven’t even been able to hold you in my arms. a form of embrace that brings you comfort when you recall it time and time again. there’s so much around me that we’d speak of exploring together.

maybe i should’ve been more attentive, more persistent but you continuously stand as the sturdiest of structures. i dream and dream of lifting heavy weights off of your shoulders, allowing you to breathe and simply be. why does the world remain cruel, especially during your most tragic sufferings?

i’m selfish to admit i don’t want to let you go. although your grip loosens, mine only tightens and to be incapable of pulling you up makes my heart heavy. it sinks and sinks and sinks and i only want to claw it out in knowing you’d be there.

i’m so sorry. i hate what this cruel world has done to your sweet soul, i’m so fucking sorry.

[suppliant-soul]

traumatized all the fucking time

it’s always trauma trauma trauma with this brain!!!!!!!!

[suppliant-soul]

i really need someone to diagnose me.

food scattered out in front of me and i’m still just standing here as if my body isn’t hungry.

i need a therapist but that means accepting i never truly helped myself fully like i claimed to; however, i need to continually remind myself that i am human.

still, i don’t even know what that means.

[magicratfingers]

did u know u could just draw bad and nothing happens did u know that

[magicratfingers]

girlies are u doing ok

[magicratfingers]

oh no girlies

[suppliant-soul]

you really brought a new baby in my life, huh?

he acts so much like you :)

[suppliant-soul]

another photo to post here before i delete from the library…i cannot lose it forever…not if it’s yuri on ice (i’ve had these saved since 2016)

[suppliant-soul]

looking thru photos and i needed to post this somewhere before deleting it from my library. i’ll never remember which artist’s account i got this from but trust…tumblr is the source

[suppliant-soul]

seeing you in my dreams always feels as though time stops for me, and yet movement has never felt so fast.

i looked into a reflection to prove it was real but waking up felt so much worse than not seeing a reflection of you— of your face.

it truly isn’t a stagnant process.

some days i feel as strong as you would be and days like today? the months don’t even feel real to me. i feel lost again.

i’d give anything to hear your paws walking right behind with each step i take.

[suppliant-soul]

the coldness returns and to not have you by my side this coming winter is causing me to crumble. after that day, i understood everything would shift into a different light, yet the most mundane moments that are filled with silence instead of your voice continues to break me endlessly.

the space beside me has never felt so empty. you weren’t the tallest, nor the biggest yet it feels as though a black hole sits where you would. an endless void of a presence that forever is embedded into my skin, my bones, my heart and so on. you always loved to burrow into my thigh just to scrape enough warmth to cuddle against; never did i think i’d miss a small paw clawing at me for such closeness. it felt as if it was just you and me against the world.

now that you’re gone, i still feel as lost as ever and somehow still assured. i can’t place it as it being a front or genuine feeling but i hope you can see i’m really trying. i don’t think it’ll get easier for right now, so be patient with me. you always were even when you were here.

i love you, little lui.

i love you so.

[suppliant-soul]

i wish to rip my nose off

[suppliant-soul]

will i ever truly be fulfilled if not embraced in the arms of death?

[joespinell]

[podcastwizard]

not enough fucked up little freak animals in the barbie movie. not enough busted ass capital-c Creatures. barbie god's™ mistakes.

[podcastwizard]

where were they. greta where were they.

[fuggmuff]

I refuse to let anyone forget those two cunty little dogs

[suppliant-soul]

the feeling of grief could be the most descriptive emotion i’ve ever felt yet still so incomprehensible. i know different days will happen, but i still feel as empty as the day you passed. never did i think something could feel so soulless yet full at the same time; my love for you never dies but the impossibility to give it to you again like before is what destroys me. i truly believe you were the best parts of me, but you’d given those parts back the day you were gone just so i wouldn’t unravel worse than i can only imagine.

i don’t know if i’ll ever return to how i was before, nor can i imagine how to return to such bliss when you won’t be there right beside me. your presence was always something i valued and still do and will always continue to feel as such.

i thank you for not judging me even in my most horrendous moments, and i thank you for always loving me no matter how careless i was to myself. you always knew how to express unconditional love so again, i thank you for teaching me an emotion so irrevocably deep that even i, someone so emotionally constipated, could revel in and continue to revel in.

i love you, lui. i miss you very much.

[suppliant-soul]

always my baby. forever and ever.