Bah Bah Black Sheep
For many years I've been told that I'm the "black sheep" of the family. For most of those years this proclamation hurt my feelings and left me feeling as though I wasn't accepted by the people who should've loved me unconditionally. But, if you have followed many of my blog posts you would know that, in my family, nothing was given unconditionally.
In recent years I have come to a realization about being the "black sheep" in a dysfunctional family. You see, just like a healthy family relies upon the emotional wellness of its members, a dysfunctional family relies upon its members being unwell. When one member of the family begins to question the dysfunction, and seeks individual emotional wellbeing, this disrupts the dysfunctional family unit. The dysfunctional family requires its members to remain unaware of the dysfunction and to continue fulfilling the roles in which they've been assigned.
My own experience outlines this scenario. For all of my childhood, and most of my adolescence, I fulfilled the role of the child who took much of the emotional and physical abuse. I was the oldest daughter, so I also took on the responsibility for my three younger siblings, the housework, and simply being the child who my mother could pick on without much resistance. I had little to no self-esteem and my mother could easily guilt me into doing whatever she needed at the moment, whether it was cooking dinner or being her punching bag. I believed that my actions and reactions could directly influence my mother's behavior and whether my family had a good day or a bad day. I believed this because I was TOLD that the bad days were my fault.
Sometime in my late teens I attempted suicide. I have come to realize now that this suicide attempt was not a true desire to die. Rather, I really just needed someone to know that I needed help. I was tired and emotionally depleted. I thought that all the problems would go away if I was no longer there. After all, it was my fault (according to what I had been told). I certainly realize now that I could have gotten help without a suicide attempt, and I wish I would have known how to do that (which is a passionate issue for me.. our society needs to inform kids on how to access the help they need.. but I will save that issue for another day). Getting REAL help was a life changer for me, and ultimately lead me to become the black sheep sitting at this keyboard today.
Once I had gained self-worth, knowledge about healthy relationships, and a desire to change, I was no longer capable of blindly fulfilling my role within my dysfunctional family. I began to protest the way I was treated, I questioned the dysfunction, I required people to change, and I demanded healthy relationships. None of these things fit into my unhealthy family of origin... I needed to create that life for myself. I have been accused of being selfish, for being stuck-up (or thinking I was better than the rest of the family), and accused of not loving-forgiving-accepting-committing to my family. I became the "Black Sheep."
I now know that being the black sheep of the family isn't always a bad thing. And while society still attaches a negative connotation to this role, sometimes it's the black sheep who are the ones who have broken the mold of the dysfunctional family. Sometimes the black sheep are they functional family members who are willing to step away from the madness to create the life they have always deserved.
My advice.. step away from people who aren't nurturing your personal growth and happiness. Become the black sheep. Pursue the life you want to create for yourself instead of being stuck in a life undeserving of your presence.
