I am a 22 year old girl that is ready to change her life. Here is a little bit of info…feels like a diary entry though. If anyone actually reads this, feel free to skip around for a bit, haha. This will be a long post. I just feel like getting some things out that I am not able to say to people. And hopefully, if some people can relate, I want to make this easy for them to come to me so we can come together for support. I want this to be my place that I can be openly honest about myself. Without that, I don’t think I can really push past my problems and get better. So here it goes:
I am morbidly obese. I am about 5’6" and as of today I weigh 335lbs. This is close to the largest and unhappiest with myself that I have ever been.
When I was healthier and younger, I loved sports and could dance every day for hours on end if I was able to. When I hit the middle of high school, I hit a big depression. My childhood was rough, and I to this day have some memory loss of everything from my younger years. The conditions of my and my mother’s life are completely different from how they used to be. When I think of my past, it doesn’t even feel like my own.
I have a mental hair disorder called Trich that doctors say was brought on by post traumatic stress. If anyone wants more info about my Trich, I can make a post about that later. My hair loss grew worse in high school. I had no eye brows, no eye lashes, and no hair on my head. I was always able to stand pretty strong against bullying. People would make fun of my drawn on eye brows, call me a freak, I’d walk into classrooms having forgotten something, to run into a group of people talking and laughing about how my wig had slipped and they saw the bare skin underneath during class, or things like that. One day at school, a student pulled off my wig in front of everyone. After that day, teasing became horrible. At that point, my ability to stand up to bullying completely crumbled. During this, some repressed memories of my past began to resurface, and my stress level rose daily. Eventually came the day that I stupidly attempted to commit suicide, which thankfully failed. After I was stable enough, I was sent away to live with my aunt for a while and began homeschooling. I started to eat more, for comfort. Then I began to eat because I wanted to destroy myself. It’s a decision that I still don’t fully understand to this point. I guess, if I couldn’t kill myself, I’d just make myself more miserable? What sense does that make? Anyways, at the time I guess it did.
Before I knew it, I was at 300lbs. I had tried going back to school many times, but after a month or so, I’d have another break down and leave, and take a break or start up at another homeschooling system, or another high school. Senior year rolled around, and everyone but myself graduated. I was so behind after so much time being out of school. I tried to catch up, but it would need more time to graduate than was available to me at the time. There were so many credits left to make up, and the idea of being in school that long, continuing with bullying, sent me into panic attacks. Into my second year as a senior, things and bullying only got worse. Events and people from my past resurfaced, police were involved, I went through the loss of two people who were important in my life. I could feel myself getting back to my suicidal thoughts. And I realized that high school is important, but staying at my home and being in stressful situations was less important than my mental and physical health.
So, I looked for an escape. I began to search for ways to work in a room and board situation. I had been working for years, but only money for gas to get to school and work was kept for myself. I had no money to travel somewhere and start over on my own. I heard about working on dude ranches for room and board, so I began to apply at ranches. I had no experience working on a ranch, but tried anyways. A few days after sending out applications, a dude ranch in Wyoming called me. They knew I had no experience but were desperate for a ranch hand. They offered a cabin for me to live in, and food and pay. They also offered to purchase my plane ticket and dock it from my first paycheck. I accepted the job. 3 days later, I was packed up and on a plane heading to another state to try a new life where I knew no one. It was one of the scariest things I had ever done for myself, and made me feel stronger than I ever have. At this place, I could be myself. I didn’t have to worry about drama, stress, sadness. I usually worked 7 days a week and with physical work so hard that I never had time or energy to think about my problems or stress. I made friends with the other staff members there. We were in the mountains over an hour away from the nearest town, that contained almost nothing. I had never felt happier. I came to the ranch at 19 years old, weighing about 360lbs and left at about 320lbs. I lived there for about 6 months, until the ranch had to close for the upcoming season. Instead of returning home, some of the friends I made there invited me to come with them to New York. So, to New York I went. Let me just say on a random note, going from a ranch where there isn’t even radio or phones, to going to New York, is completely mind blowing. It took me a long time to readjust to noisy and bright city life. I stayed with my friends, and made more friends. I felt myself becoming stronger every day. At this point, thanks to lack of stress, all of my hair had grown back. Granted my hair was a horrible style that looked like a short wavy French bob, but it was still hair, along with my eyelashes and eyebrows. Many times I’d catch myself in the mirror, and have tears spring to my eyes at the sight of my own hair that I had not seen in years. I felt the happiest I had in a long time.
A few weeks after my 20th birthday, my family contacted me and said that things were happening at home and I was needed back. So about a week later, I once again found myself on a plane flying back to the west coast. Things were settled, and I was immediately rehired at my old job and with a management position. I didn’t think about going back to school…I reunited with old friends. Me being a happier person made it easier for me to reconnect and make new friends after coming home.
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