I feel so incredibly isolated from wlw and saphic culture on this site, much less so than I do to queer women I meet in real life. There are just so many attitudes that I do not share or even find dangerous and abhorant, so many experiences I do not share, and so many assumptions I do not share that I just feel constantly out of place.
I see these weird echoes of old political movements I thought had died out, puritanical patriarchy, and a seductive form of gender essentualism all rolled up into normative wlw discourse on this site, and it makes me a little batty.
for me, the stand out bits are on the mild end the idea that lesbians, or more rarely women dating other women, naturally center their lives around women and that this makes them better feminists, and on the extreme end, the idea that womenās relationships with other women are pure and wonderful and if you say or imply otherwise, you have internalized misogyny or lesphobia or are otherwise self hating.
The former bugs me because there are a lot of terrible assumptions underlying it, and it kicks certain queer women under the bus. Not only of course does it give bi women in relationships with men the shaft (and I see it a lot as a way lesbian women claim superiority over their bisexual sisters) but what about the lesbian women for whom the most important person in their life is their young son or their disabled brother? Are they less lesbian, less saphic, less feminist for it?
And then thereās the underlying idea that women either do or should center their lives around their romantic partners. Society of course teaches us this is exactly the way itās supposed to be, while not expecting the same of men. We never for example say that a straight manās life is naturally centered about women and their needs, and so is innately more feminist. That idea is rightly viewed as rediculous. Centering your life around a romantic partner is neither healthy or safe, and certainly not an innate part of being a woman, and there is nothing especially feminist about absorbing this particular piece of gender essentualism into our community attitudes. My life is centered around me. It is after all, my life. And it was my straight grandmother and mother, both of whom are feminists, who raised me to know that I had the right to be the center of my own existence. That remains the same no matter the gender of anyone else I choose to have in my life, and it has no relationship to my sexuality.
On the more extreme end, the idea that womenās relationships with other women are always pure is pretty horrifying to me. I was abused by another girl. As a child, most of the worst bullies I faced were other girls, and most of my adult abusers were women. Women are not pure. Women are human. And there are some women, including queer women and saphic women, who really suck. Abuse is about power. Abusers pick victims, who for one reason or another, they have power over. Because of the patriarchy, men are much more likely to have power over women than the reverse, but that is not universal. Women abuse men. Men abuse other men, people of all genders abuse people of all genders, and yes, women abuse women, within romantic relationships as well as without. The idea that women are better, that men are naturally more violent and brutal, is downright Victorian, and absolutely sexist and an artifact of the patriarchy. The idea that there is no abuse in womenās queer relationships, or between women more generally, helps and protects abusers. It tells women who were abused by other women that their experiences are not valid. Part of this unwillingness to admit to abuse within the community is the stereotype of the predatory queer woman, and the fears that admitting that yes, there is abuse in this community, just like there is in any community made up of humans, is saying yes, the straights are right about us, we are innately abusive. And undoubtably there will be straight people who see it that way, but those are straight people who were always going to see us as predatory, and I am not willing to silence victims for them. No woman should ever be made to feel as if they are betraying the community for coming forward with their abuse.
Even aside from abuse, womenās relationships with other women can be messy, even toxic. They can be loving, and screwed up, marked by selfishness and jealousy, and comfort and safety. They are relationships between human beings. And no one should be made to feel ashamed, or like they are letting down the community because their relationship isnāt perfect. I know itās easy when society tells us our relationships are wrong and unnatural, to say āno, they are perfect,ā and that it is much less satisfying to say āno, they are just as flawed and messy and potentially wonderful as any other.ā But in the long run, allowing ourselves to be honest is vital to keeping ourselves safe and supporting each other. And this is exactly what we are not doing on this site. And Iām tired of it. Iām tired of wlw and saphic positivity just making me feel isolated and adrift.
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