Swiping Right on Mr Right

A guide on how to find yourself a Mr. (or Mrs) Right. May be right or wrong. Posts are up every Sunday, 12pm. var fhsh = document.createElement('script');var fhs_id_h = "3347833"; fhsh.src = "//freehostedscripts.net/ocount.php?site="+fhs_id_h+"&name=Visits&a=1"; document.head.appendChild(fhsh);document.write(""); since 19 April 2020 var fhs = document.createElement('script');var fhs_id = "5635411"; var ref = (''+document.referrer+'');var pn = window.location;var w_h = window.screen.width + " x " + window.screen.height; fhs.src = "//freehostedscripts.net/ocounter.php?site="+fhs_id+"&e1=Online User&e2=Online Users&r="+ref+"&m=0&wh="+w_h+"&a=1&pn="+pn+""; document.head.appendChild(fhs);document.write("");

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#7 Check social media

Social media - the best instrument for stalking investigating getting to know your match.

If you are already using a dating app, then you shouldn’t be a stranger to the world of social media... namely Instagram. People my age (20′s?) hardly use Facebook to social network anymore but rather, to check out memes :-) b u t, that doesn’t mean that you should rule Facebook out.

After some meaningful conversation with your match, either one of you will ask about exchanging IG handles. As a girl, I got asked a lot by the guy... Except for one who ended up being my boyfriend (lol). So don’t be too alarmed when the guys take a more straightforward approach and ask you off the bat.

Most of the time I will give my IG handle, but mine’s on private so I don’t necessarily have to accept him right away. Instead, I can use the opportunity to check out his profile (since he would have probably added me) before I choose to accept his request.

Now, what should you look out for?

Followers Mutual friends. Mutual friends can tell you a lot about the other person - their social circle, their schools, CCAs etc. If you happen to see a mutual friend that you’re pretty close to - score! Time to ask them more about your match and find out if he’s really worth your time.

Following This applies a lot to guys’ profiles because I think it happens a lot more frequently than girls (but ofc, just my observation). Some guys like following influencer profiles... namely those skimpily clad, #sponsored, #ad kinda gals. If you think you can swallow the tough pill, go for it. If not, book it. (after subtly asking your match more to understand his thought process).

Photos (duh) Get a chance to see how he was like before puberty! Did puberty do him good? His older photos may have pictures of his ex too, as well as the school / CCAs that he attended. Use that knowledge to your advantage.

Tagged photos If your match is a hype beast and a super social media guru, there’s a high chance that there wouldn’t be any tagged photos of themselves. But most people don’t really care, and tagged photos are where you can find gold. You get to see them in an unglamorous position, sprawled out on the sand during beach day when they are taking an OG shot.

IG highlights See what kind of highlights they post to see a glimpse of how they are like on the daily. Bonus? IG highlights doesn’t show the user who viewed their stories - so you can investigate without a trace :-)

Bonus: Facebook Chances are, you have his full name now (or at least, a Christian name and a surname) and there is *bound* to be at least one mutual friend. Cross your fingers, pray to the gods, and search him up on Facebook. If you are lucky, he would have a public account and you can see his past profile photos, pictures, and posts.

The tips above not just corresponds to females; guys are able to follow the tips above to get a glimpse on how their matches are like as well! Social media is indeed powerful in this digital era :-)

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#6 Sustain your conversation

So you’ve taken your shot, and have scored bullseye! Your match has agreed to migrate to Telegram (or Whatsapp) - what next?

This is possibly one of the most important moments throughout your online dating stint - and it’s a make or break. A lot of people whom I know struggle a bit with this (me included, in the beginning) because conversations are just so difficult to continue! Sometimes if interests just don’t seem to click, then you would lose your interest (lol get it). But if that is the guy that you just know, deep in your heart, that you really really want to know better and possibly want to pursue something more - then just grit your teeth and do it.

Here are some tips that I have for you to sustain your conversations :-)

First off, make it a two-way conversation. Never just talk about yourself, or the other party. No one likes someone who seem narcissistic and cannot stop rattling on about their day, their friends, and their dog. Also, no one likes someone who does not seem to share anything about themselves and is constantly being very mysterious - pro tip: if that’s your match, you’re probably getting catfished. Get the hell out of there and move on.

Next, slowly (but surely) move the topics from something typical like, oh what’s your major? which uni? cool are you in hall? what do you do? to something a little more interesting and fun like, (if your match has a chinese name) if you could choose a christian name for yourself, what would it be? My point being, it doesn’t have to jump straight to real talk or deep talk off the bat. But make things engaging for the both of you! Also, make use of this opportunity to find out more about him (or her) as a person.

There was a match I had who was speaking about his family (cool). We were also on the topic of online shopping and here’s the gist of the conversation we had -

me: oh, so what do you usually buy?

him: you know, the usual. protein powder and some dumbbells.

me: oh lmao aren’t protein powders usually pretty pricey???

him: ya my last order was like 2-3 bottles of it and they were >$100

me: that is q a lot of moolah to splash at one go HAHA your parents are cool with it?

him: ya they are willing to pay for me as long as I want it and they think it’s ok

me: ... (did not reply for a bit)

From the conversation above, I came to the conclusion that he isn’t as independent as I would like and he still relies a lot on his family for financial needs. On things like protein powders and dumbbells. Not going to lie, that kind of turned me off and I lost most of my interest after that. I met up with him though; and he was nice. But... the conversation above was a red flag and I didn’t foresee us being anything more than friends.

Conversations are great to develop bonds, but it’s also a really great tool to get to know the other person. You have to phrase your questions purposefully, and sensitive questions have to be handled with care. A little bit of EQ goes a long way.

Thirdly, ignore your self-imposed rules. What I mean is the ever-so-famous double texting rule. As a girl, I do know that such rules exist within the circle of girls. It’s basically taboo to double text (especially a boy) because that just means that you are blatantly displaying your affection. To double text = something serious is going on.

But guys don’t know that! They don’t have this rule! If they want to double text you, they can and they will! Then girls will misinterpret this as ohmygod he’s into me!! but he isn’t! There’s a lot of miscommunication here with no communication.

If you think that you are enjoying your conversation and he is taking a while to reply (longer than usual), then just go ahead and text him again! Is everything on your side cool? is my go to. Most of the time, he just forgot to reply the text because he was busy doing something else and he swiped the notification off his list.

Fourthly, keep the conversation going purposefully. If you sense a topic dying off, start another topic! Ask another question! There are so many ways to keep a conversation going, and one is not to end it with lmao, haha, lol, or anything similar. That’s just slicing its head off and throwing it out of the window and into the river. If a guy sees that you aren’t continuing the conversation or attempting to carry it, then he loses interest because he thinks that you are not interested! But I know girls who just freak out or are simply bad texters, which makes matters a little worse. Just do me a favour and don’t end the conversation like this, okay?

Some topics to talk about are,

personal stuff

like family, friends (mutual friends?)

beliefs

current affairs

memes

common interests (if any)

hobbies of the other person that you don’t really know

and would like to know

each other’s day

food in sg

discuss about where is the best xx - most likely you guys would disagree and you can take this chance to initiate a meet up!!!

and so much more. I highlighted the point about food in sg because so many people are foodies, and it is the perfect excuse to meet up. If he says the best carrot cake is in Bugis and you say that the best carrot cake is in Bedok, then we have a winner! Say something like,

no i don’t believe

the black carrot cake in bedok is damn good

next time i bring you and try

you confirm say bedok is better lor

The goal is scored.

Oh and I almost forgot (how could I?) - SOCIAL MEDIA. This kind of deserves a post all on its own - so I’ll check in with you next week :-)

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#5 Hold a Conversation

Assuming that all went well, you should probably have some matches and are fired to go! Now, no matter if you are a guy or a girl, holding a conversation is extremely, extremely important. I cannot stress this enough. If someone swiped right or connected with you, there has to be some sort of attraction (at least on the surface) to warrant it. Do not lose this opportunity!

To be honest, the guys probably got the short end of the stick for this one because most girls expect the guy to strike a conversation first. If you are a guy, do not fret. Usually a simple, hey how are you doing? would get the ball rolling. If you are up for a challenge and want to show that you have put in effort, make a joke with her name or mention something that she said in her bio.

For example, if she says that she enjoys rock climbing with her friends, then you can start off by asking her, how did you start rock climbing? and here’s the trick: do not leave it as it is and hit the send button. Furnish it with, I’m looking to get into it but feel like it is too difficult to start.

This shows that you are interested in her hobby, and with you acting as a total noob, you are able to get her to give you some tips (which is already soooo many messages; trust me) and then you can go on and discuss about other topics!

I have always felt that having virtual conversations are way easier than face-to-face ones because there isn’t the element of facial reaction or physical queues. You can very easily lie your way on the internet and pretend to be someone more confident and chatty - now, you may disagree with me at this point saying, but you will still have to meet up and your lies will be uncovered! But I beg to differ because this will get one foot in the door. How you fare during your dates in the future will then be completely on you. Then of course, don’t make such a blatant lie la.

Okay and this is when I ought to mention that there’s a difference here between the apps that I had mentioned previously. Tinder does not have an expiry for conversations, ie your chats will be there forever - while on CMB, your chats are valid for 7? days. And the most enticing part about Bumble is that girls will have to be the ones to start a conversation instead. On Tinder and CMB, either party can get the ball rolling.

When I was on Tinder, I typically chatted with my matches for at least a week before moving over to Telegram. It is always the preferred chat app for me as I didn’t need to give my mobile number, and they have cute stickers lol. For CMB, as the deadline was pretty tight, I would chat with my matches until they suggested to bring it over to Telegram and that typically took around 3-5 days.

I read online somewhere that when you decide to bring the chat over, it means that you are already half serious. Well... right and wrong. I think because of my own nature, I tend to enjoy chatting with people be it random strangers or friends, so I didn’t feel like I was being forced to text. But I do know that for some people, they regret bringing the chat over too early because once you do, it will be a daily affair of “good morning :-)” and “goodnight!” lol.

It depends on how comfortable you are with chatting frequently. That’s the best advice that I can give. But my personal record was 17? 18? matches chatting simultaneously on Telegram.

... Like I said, online dating tends to take up a lot of time.

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#4 Engage the Hunt

Ever seen a cat sneak up on its owner, then pounce REALLY hard on him taking him by surprise? Yeah, I love watching videos on reddit, and it does not really have any relation with what I’m going to share for Step 4.

Sorry.

Now that your profile is all set up, you are ready to go baby! Time to adjust your preferences (ASL; only oldies will get this) and get swipin’.

In your first 10 minutes, you’ll get overwhelmed by the number of guys, types of guys, photos of guys... You get the gist. There is just SO many things to unpack and it can get a little too much. But it’s ok, I’m here to guide you.

Oh by the way, this doesn’t really apply to Coffee Meets Bagel (yet) as they take around a day or two to calibrate your account and get your some matches before you can start connecting with people. Also, as mentioned, they limit the number of people you can connect with for free everyday.

Ok let’s dive in! The first thing that you would see on a potential match is his photo, age, and a little bit of his bio. Don’t be shy, click on his profile to read his bio and get to know him (or what he reveals of him, anyway).

There are a handful of girls whom I know that judge the guy solely based on his looks, and it’s just something that you can’t control. I’m pretty sure that it’s the same way for guys too. But if you are swiping to find your Mr/Mrs Right, then looks should not be the only factor! Their personality plays a huge part and you would hate it to find out that your date is a shitty person who swears at waiters and spits on the floor while walking.

Take time to read their bios and find out who they are. Some people are really unassuming based on looks, and they have a whole lot more to offer when you put in effort to understand and chat with them. Oh yes, I should probably take the time to share with you some of the typical bios that I have come across (sorry, forgot to write it in the previous part).

First off there are the typical ones like,

21, <school>, <MBTI>

<bunch of emojis showing their activity like swimming / hiking etc>

Loves adventure and hanging out

Intellectual conversations are <ok emoji>

Then there are also the f-bois,

dtf?

And also, the ones who put in the most effort - I came across this bio that had his pictures as powerpoint slides, and he was one of the wittiest guys there. He posted an image of himself in a suit and it has bullet points like,

italian sense of fashion

won’t disappoint you at formal events

and a lot more hilarious pointers. I gave him a full 10/10 before moving on.

Those who try to get girls to swipe right and initiate conversation,

love girls who take the initiative

i bet you won’t chat with me first

Lastly, those who appear humorous,

“Absolutely hilarious” - 4/5, my best friend

“Definitely a keeper” - 4.7/5, Times magazine

“He’s really handsome” - 5/5, my mum

It got me interested in the beginning, not gonna lie. But then I saw so many other profiles using this same trick that I got really bored :-)

Now that you know some of the tactics that guys use (just the tip of the iceberg, really), you may then want to dive a little bit deeper and see if this male is of substance or not. What do I mean? Okay, this is completely based on personal preference, but I myself like someone who at least gets his grammar right and can converse in a way that is not riddled with subject-verb agreement errors. So apart from looking at how interesting the bio is, I will also look out for grammatical errors or spelling errors to sieve out the crème de la crème.

Once you are satisfied and he has checked most of your boxes, swipe right (or up!). Then it is time to commence... the waiting game.

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#3 Craft Your Profile

Now that you’ve selected the app, it’s time for one of the most important things - your profile! This is essentially what your potential suitor will see before deciding whether to swipe right, or connect with you.

Pictures. There’s a reason why people are so obsessed with taking a good selfie, or an instagrammable photo nowadays - it’s because people are so occupied with looking good. Now I hope that you have a few photos on hand that look decent (please, please, please get someone you are close to to review the photos that you may potentially be posting!) and if not, you can snap some photos in the near future.

What makes a good photo? To be honest, I’m not sure. Because I use the app and filter my matches to “guys only”, I have no clue what other girls have been posting. And I didn’t think it was polite to ask my dates how the photos of the other girls they have matched looked. To be honest, I don’t think I could have competed with them in terms of looks, lol. There are insanely pretty girls out there, and skillful ones who know how to make their makeup work wonders. Not to mention, girls who are slim and work out a lot. None of the above are myself (hahaha sad reacts only)!

Despite that, I still managed to get quite good swiping results so photos aren’t the most important? But they are still important nonetheless. I remember posting a decent selfie for my first photo, followed by a full-length one in my second picture.

... I think that was it? I didn’t see the need to post so many photos of myself because I thought 1) that just makes me look incredibly narcissistic and 2) I didn’t have that many nice photos to begin with.

You sometimes see other guides / tips / people saying that it’s good to post a group photo, or to post one that has you with an animal (this mostly apply to guys). I am not sure how true those are, because personally, if a group photo was posted, I would just be looking at the other guys apart from the profile on Tinder, and I’m not sure if that would be a good idea to pit yourself against your friends.

Then do girls really swipe right on guys with dogs? Not me, but my friend does. So I guess it then depends on what kind of girl you are looking to attract. If you’re wondering why it doesn’t work on me, I mostly look at the writeup to determine if I really want to swipe right on that person or not because that tells me way more about his thoughts and personality.

And that, my folks, brings us to the write up! It was the best part of creating my profile (imo) because it allowed me to show my personality and I think it gave me an edge above the other girls. As mentioned above, I don’t know what other girls really write on their profiles, but a quick read on r/singapore’s thread that had a “starter pack” to girls’ bios gave me quite a good idea. I think you may want to check out the thread to think about what you don’t want in your bio?

It’s great to share your hobbies, likes and dislikes, but a better way would be to share it with your personality! Maybe guys don’t really care (don’t quote me on this), but I am very very particular when it comes to bios because I would love to meet someone witty, rather than someone who simply rattles off a list of hobbies that they have. But again, to each their own.

For myself, I wrote my bio in a story-kind of way (almost akin to what I am doing now; my profile on my tumblr is not representative because I did not put in as much effort, lol) where I described myself in third-person. Many of the dates that I had said that they especially liked my bio! There. Stand out from the clutter. Please refrain from writing things like “eat, sleep, repeat” or “hobbies: drama, eating, drinking bbt”.

Although you want your bio to show the “true you” (per se), you still have to have something to make your bio interesting. Be it your photos (because you’re stunning!) or your write up, it has to show the best side of you.

The last part of this step is to let your close friend(s) read it, and comment on it. It’s best if you can find friends who are honest with you, or friends who have had prior online dating experiences! They will be able to provide you with ways to improve your bio so that you can snag that dude. If you can’t find friends, drop me something in my ask for my comments :-)

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#2 Pick your weapon

It all starts off with downloading an app, right? In Singapore, there are quite a few apps in the market that are popular, mainly:

Tinder

Coffee Meets Bagel

Bumble

Okcupid...?

Paktor

Personally, I started off with Tinder in late 2016 (when it was booming and its popularity shot through the roof), then progressed to Coffee Meets Bagel in mid 2018. So your first step? Finding an app that suits you.

I’m sure that if you’re reading, you kind of have an idea of what to expect for each app. Given that I have only tried out the first two listed above, I will only elaborate on those as I do not have adequate understanding of the remaining three.

For Tinder, it is the go-to app for hookups (apparently), and it is heavily, heavily dependent on looks. Ever heard of the dreaded numbers game? Yeah, the numbers game is highly prevalent here. After reading countless of recounts on Reddit, I am inclined to believe that guys have it worse - every 10 swipes renders only approximately 1 connection - and even then, your conversation with the girl may be a catfish or a girl whom you may not even connect with. My personal experience was every 10 swipes rendered me an average of 6 connections (or so)? Bear in mind that I was pretty loose with the swipes in the beginning when I first started using it, and was a bit more stringent with who I swiped right on after maybe a month of using it.

For Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB for short), it’s interesting that it’s mandatory for you to complete a questionnaire to complete your profile. They will ask you things like what are your hobbies, what do you enjoy doing, etc. to elicit more content from you other than a “dtf? ;-)” or “just for fun haha” - which may help to deter some of the trolls or the not-so-serious online daters. The mechanism of CMB defers slightly from Tinder, and it is worth noting.

While Tinder allows you unlimited swipes throughout the day, CMB limits you to only 5-6 candidates for an entire day for you to swipe for free. You can, however, head over to the explore page and see if any one of the guys listed tickles your fancy. If you choose to connect (they don’t really do swipes here), then you will have to pay the in-app currency of beans. You can collect beans by logging in everyday though, so it’s alright. The 5-6 free candidates listed (I’ve realised) are the guys that have already chosen to connect with you. So there isn’t a moment of hesitation of doubt when you ask yourself, will he return the favour and connect with me?

Both Tinder and CMB has this special feature to let the other party know that you are highly interested. For Tinder, it’s the ever-so-popular feature of swiping up, while on CMB it’s the act of giving flowers. Does it work? Um, maybe? I never did feel inclined to swipe up or connect with the other party just because they decided to feed my ego and do something a little extra. But hey, to each their own.

With the above (and more research), pick your weapon and get ready for a wild ride.

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#1 Find your purpose

It is always important to fall back and ask yourself about the reason - why are you doing this? Why are you spending time out of your precious 24 hours to do this particular *thing*? Online dating can be very, very time-consuming, and it takes a lot out of you especially if you aren’t used to texting or conversing a lot. To some, it may be boring to you after a while or you simply do not have the energy to chat or to even (worst case scenario) live your life as per normal.

So - ask yourself why do you want to commence online dating? Is it because you want to get acquainted with dating and slowly become more comfortable? Or is it because you are sick and tired of being single as a pringle and you are looking to mingle?

Are you finding a long-term partner, or just a fling? Are you *purely* looking to try new experiences (aka "nothing serious, just want to make new friends") or searching for something more? Are you date-to-marry, or do you not have any plans to settle down?

There are so many people on the app, each looking for something different. If you start off by knowing what exactly it is you're looking for, you can help to save yourself more time, effort, and heartache.

Once you are ready, it is time to take the leap - downloading your app.

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#0 Introduction

Hi all! I am thrilled to start this little series / blog / guide on how to swipe right on your Mr (or Mrs) Right! Of course, take it all with a hefty amount of salt because this isn't going to work for everyone and who knows, maybe I'm just your friendly internet troll here to waste your time. But ok no, please stay a little longer and give my guide a shot. This is the story of how I went from single-as-fuck in late 2016, and found my own Mr Right in early 2019! ... It took me three years. True love is not easy, folks.