things that are bothering me rn. list
didnt shower this morning n my hair is greasy
brother came over wayyyy earlier than i expected n i didnt even know he was coming over until like midday so i didnt have time to do all the cleaning i had been planning to do tonight n i hateee cleaning when there is anyone else around idk why. childhood trauma i guess
probably the main reason i am losing my mind is the recording session i have tomorrow morning on the opposite side of the city with a guy ive never met that im not being paid for and i have no idea what to expect . he said Recording studio n that sounds scary professional and i might be a fraud<- stupid statement bc i know im a good fucking musician & have been working so hard on the impostor syndrome of it all for the last few years but its still. whatever
orchestra committee does everything at the last minute and is so disorganised and everyone else is such a type b person its driving me nuts. except the one(1) singular woman on the committee who is fucking awesome but is also quitting in december and idk who could possibly replace her but i really dont want to be another white man* (ish) on a committee that will be 100% white men when she leaves which is SO not representative of our orchestra as a whole that it makes me feel a bit sick
im HUNGRY bc i havent eaten dinner bc of the fucking olives situation
also one of our players is currently like. softlaunching their new name and i want to message them to ask if they want our database etc. updated but i dont know them that well and membership isnt really my job anyway but the membership officer isnt a musician so he doesnt really know them& probably has not even noticed that this is happening and maybe its not even any kind of deal and im wildly overthinking it. but i have Extremely been there w the name change awkwardness and i want them to know that there is someone on the committee whos noticed& is going to support them
its kind of nuts how all these big things are music related 18 yr old me drunk in the kitchen in uni halls crying about how i want to be a musician not a scientist would lose her mind
my grandma might be dying and i feel bad even thinking let alone writing that bc i dont want to speak it into existence <- not a thing that is possible. but still. have a deeply fucked up and complicated relationship w her and i dont want her to not exist anymore but i also want to be free. like when she does die it will be a huge weight off my shoulders but i dont want to kill her by saying i want her to die <- i dont& that is not how it works anywaY. ok
dont think im actually hypermobile but there is definitely Something Wrong and idk how to even start to figure it out
one of my work pals has been acting v weird for a long time and im worried about them& i know others are too but i dont know how to ask so that she’ll be honest with me
i need a new job so bad its not even funny but 6 yrs in my current job has destroyed my self worth so completely that im not even sure im capable of anything other than shitty customer service roles for the rest of my life
listenjng to dd&cw on repeat for the last 2 weeks is making me feel so Something but i will never ever ever have enoigh words to express the depth and intensity of feeling i have about it the music itself the entire universe it lives it & my teenage and adult experiences of it if i think about it too hard my heart will explode
i wanted writing all this shit down to help and maybe has or maybe walking around for an hour or maybe i feel worse. theres really no way to tell
when i get home i have to avoid my brother bc he is going to ask me about the olives again& i dont think he will believe me when i say im not mad at him and i didnt want him to go out and buy more olives bc theres literally no way he couldve known i wanted to eat them so badly it would make me spiral
if you read all of this you might think theres something deeply mentally wrong with me& you would probably be right
i am going to eat a sausage roll now
snowghoul
origamiaround
germansingergirl
andulkaphoto
areudirty
titsay
