Recently I've been having mental breakdowns on twitter, some of them are crazy while others are not as crazy, I'll be starting at the start of time for t3a, well idk I SHOULD JUST START
I made my channel in 2020 funny enough by accident. I was messing around and made a channel on youtube, I didn't use it until november of 2020 where I uploaded a (really bad and cringe af) animation, I wanted to become an animator before I realized was writing was my passion.
My first "viral" (well viral for me) was a video for jacksfilms 48 hour film festival. It was cringe, bad, and sweaty, but I liked it, i was proud, the first time I felt happy in a while.
The t3a beefing era, rule 34, and my character. (2021-2022)
In 2021 I just got pissed off. I had a lot of people who started to hate me, my mental health had slowly been declining I took my anger out on random people. I got in fights over the smallest of things. "You disagreed with me? Well you're an idiot, stupid a bastard, a lie, a cheat" and it just happened that someone thought it would be really funny to tell someone to draw rule 34 of my channel's mascot, cause you ya know, that's what normal people do I guess.
It was always shoved in my face "t3a i didn't know you were that good at (you can guess)" and it started to tick me off, each time I was told about the image I wanted to go crazy. "peel off my skin" kind of anger. I've never been into r34, and i kept getting sent it. "You had rule34? Just send it to t3a!" I had to cope, so I made a character.
I made a character that was an idiotic, egotistical, rude, creepy and disgusting jerk, and the issue was that I was playing a character with the same name "t3a the person" was NOT "t3a the character" but I found out that being a jerk gives you views and attention, I have never cared about subscribers, comments, ratings, or any of that. I only cared about views, and I figured out that people liked watching me be an asshole and say some messed up shit. I enjoyed the attention, my mental health got worse but I learnt over time how to hide thoughts and it felt amazing knowing that I can just pretend I'm fine. I could pretend that everything is fine, but I wasn't fine. I was sad, I was faking being happy and I learnt how to hide my thoughts, my feelings, for 3 YEARS, so I quit. I quit youtube, I deleted my discord accounts, I deleted my twitter. all traces for me had been removed. I just vanished.
Summer Break. (Feb 2022 to Nov 2022)
After I went away I made friends, but I hated seeing myself. I would go to parks or hang out with my friends but I would never let them take photos of me or record me. Well my lower body sure but if it had my face I would get pissed off. I stopped or well tried to avoid all mirrors. but in November I forced myself to stare at myself, I broke down. I had lied to myself for almost 3 years and I just couldn't, I cried so hard I got lightheaded and passed out. I was done playing a character. I wanted to return and do what I enjoy. what just happened to be YTPs
Return to Social Media, and learning how to give up (2022 - Current)
November 2022, I returned to youtube after 7 months. My twitter, discord accounts, and other social media were deleted. I had to rebuild, I have to straight up "rediscover" my online friends like goddamn dora, I was ready to restart, the issue was that this whole time my mental health never went up. It kept going down, the more I did youtube, the less I noticed it, but it was there and it watched me cause I'm a fool, then I made a new twitter account. So I could try to find more people that I had either screwed over, or I used to be friends with, etc I wanted to say sorry to everyone but I forgot that the past came back, the person who made the other person draw rule 34 starting to fight me, and their "lil friends" With a destroyed mental health, I started to go crazy, I lost my mind, and, I just exploded. I started to spam on twitter about that "everyone hates me" or "everyone is about to get you" and it was stupid. The thing was. It felt like I was getting something out of my head, just not in a good way. I was done, I was full of self-loafing and hatred I had to blame it on everyone around me, after all it "couldn't be my fault" I told myself (lemme give you a hint it was), and so that way I could just live a happy life right? No. I have to move on, sorry for this crap. I should of shut up years ago - t3a
TLDR: don't fight kids online and if you have bad mental health find a therapist asap.
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