No matter how much you try, mortality will always catch up to those who are not of gods. Even the most blinded of them learn this eventually. You take your death with grace, choosing to go and explore this new world as soon as Lord Hades permits you to go, impressed by how little you complain and demand. You are one of the brighter parts of his day (night?).
You drift along, catching certain snippets of other Shade’s conversations as you wander aimlessly. You notice a crack in the wall; deciding to muster up your courage, you slip through it to find yourself in the glowing green torches of Tartarus. With what little you have, you hold it close to your translucent body and push forward.
You’re quick to notice the large glowing ball with an oddly familiar symbol floating in the middle of it. You take your time circling it, feeling compelled to touch it. When you do, a beam of light comes slicing through the dreary air to reveal a mighty god who stares down at you at your shocked form...
Zues
Cause of Death: Lightning Strike
Zues is confused when he sees you. He’s even more confused when you start screaming at him, waving your hands about and threatening to fight him yourself.
“You fucker! You killed me!”
He raises a brow. “I think I’d remember if I killed you.” You flipped up your middle finger at him and his eyebrows drew into an angry v. “How rude! I am the God of Gods-”
“I don’t care!”
Zagreus had to high tail it to you before Zues tried to smite you (possibly a second time).
Suffice to say you hoped you’d never bump into that boon again. And you didn’t. No, the God of Gods and Lightning himself decided that he’d have to make a house call himself (Hades was not pleased when a bolt of lightning came crashing down and left a scorched black ring in the carpet).
He picks you out quickly and you try to zoom out of the lobby until he catches you by the back of your robe and then you’re swinging and yelling profanities at him. He’s kinda amused now instead of angry- you’re just so weak and tiny compared to him. It’s hysterical- ow! Did you just bite him?
After you and Zues finish your little “spitting match”- Hades kicks Zeus out and you're forced to hang out in Tartarus for a bit (“but I’m just a simple fisherfolk! I can’t fight anything!” You cry, Hades does not spare you a look as you're dragged out by Meg).
You think maybe that’s the end until you’re approached by a… a squirrel? You almost punt it when his voice spills out as he shoots into a long prattle about how much of a jerk Hades was and how he couldn’t handle someone as grandiose as him appearing before him. Threatened him as a god or something- you were busy trying to figure out how you were going to kill this guy and make sure he stayed dead.
Turns out, after the two of you chattered (argued) a bit about whether or not he actually killed you, Zeus had some neat stories about the gods.
While you were interested in his children’s and brothers’ and sisters’ stories, he was interested in your stories of the mundane. A simple fisherfolk? That was a word? You just fished and traded? Amazing! Tell him more!
After this particular interaction between the two of you, Zeus really ended liking you. Maybe a little too much, but, aw well, it wasn’t everyday a mortal soul had the balls to argue with him for something he doesn’t remember doing (he probably did. Probably. Most likely). He swore that he’d come and see you everyday as he sat on your shoulder as a squirrel, going on and on about how you should feel blessed to be praised by one such as he. You were about to throw him until a giant hand came out and grabbed him (seemed you drifted too close to Lord Hades’ desk), the hulking god flinging him out of a portal.
He continues to pop up and bother you and, to be honest, he’s kinda growing on you. Also, I’m gonna be frank and lay it out that, if he likes you enough, he’s probs gonna want to smash, especially if you lean more towards the feminine side (he’s fucking AWFUL). It’s up to you if you wanna indulge that or not, I don’t recommend it, but you can if you really want to.
We’re going with the option you don’t smash- he’ll be salty at you for a whole ass day before he comes back the one after that as a rat (Hades kept finding out his forms that he used to sneak in so it was an ever constant menagerie of appearances to keep up the disguise) and is like: “I thought you would miss me too much so I came back before you could even complain.”
Zag likes to watch the two of you interact because he finds it absolutely fascinating. It’s like watching… He doesn’t know what it’s like but he’s having a blast as you roast his uncle to bits. It really helps him out when he’s feeling a bit down after failing getting out one too many times.
When you first get Zeus an Ambrosia, he thinks it’s poison and then he gets all prideful because of course you would give him an offering, he was the strongest of all the gods! Him and him alone!
“Silly, mortal, you cannot poison me! I am a god.”
You squint your eyes at him before you huff and pull the bottle closer to you. “Fine, whatever, I’ll just give it to Zagreus- or better yet, Hades if you don’t want it.”
“No! No! I want it! Give it to me! It’s mine!”
During this time, he’s actually experiencing some purer emotions in life- he’s genuinely giddy that you got him the Ambrosia and asks how you got it. You hold up a makeshift fishing rod and grin at him, telling him you snatched it from some nasty shades before you wandered back down to Tartarus.
His gift to you is a little lightning pin that, when you're in danger, will send a nasty bolt of lightning down on your enemies. You wonder what good it’ll do since you’re dead already, but shrug and accept it, thinking that he looks years younger and friendler when his smile isn’t packed full of ego and pride.
Poseidon
Cause of Death: Drowning
Poseidon, Lord of the Oceans, Earthquakes, and many other things, is simply- how do you say? Amused? It’s the best way to describe it at least. Of course he was mostly surprised when he appeared expecting the Little Hades to be waiting for him just to meet a Little Shade in his place.
“Why, hello there, Little Shade! You wouldn’t happen to know where the Little Hades is, would you?”
You shake your head, he doesn’t miss the way you nervously play with your hands, drifting back as some of his droplets float close to you.
He laughs at your simple reply. “Shy one aren’t you?” He leans closer to you, squinting and running a hand through his beard while he hummed.
You fight the urge to take a step back, the smell of salt water making your stomach churn.
His eyes flutter shut as he takes a deep breath. He takes a moment before he opens his eyes again and a look of understanding flashes across his eyes. “You drowned. Didn’t you?”
You stare up at him, eyes round and glassy. You nod.
Before your conversation can go any further, Zagreus comes running through the window, surprised to see his Uncle talking to a Shade (you look so scared- he hopes that you aren’t being bullied). You’re quick to take your leave bowing to both and passing the boon to the Prince before you scurry away into the cover of the other Shades.
He hums to himself, a cryptid smile on his face as his eyes follow after you. Such a strange little thing you were- he wouldn’t mind seeing you again.
It takes a bit, but he does happen to see you again, by peaking through a fountain in a fountain room in the Underworld. He spies you trying to poke at the water that he happened to choose, but jumping back each time. You face scrunched up into one of pure frustration. He asks if you’re doing alright there, Little Shade? Causing you to flash out of existence for a moment before settling back down and looking into the pool with wide eyes. Posiedon almost busts a gut with how hard he’s laughing and you huff telling him that it wasn’t funny.
He says otherwise, but asks what you’re doing. When your face bursts into a large blush you mumble something that he doesn’t quite catch and he’s left with more questions than answers as you take the chance to phase out of the chamber when Zag walks in and steals his Uncle’s attention for a split second. He furrows his brow before asking his nephew about you, which Zag, surprisingly, supplies rather quickly, seeing as the two of you talk a lot: apparently you’re deathly afraid of water after you were thrown into the ocean by your supposed best friend. The memories of the waves crushing you deeper and deeper beneath them sticking with you even in death. So, you were trying to curb that phobia. Posiedon nods, letting the words sink in before he offers the Little Hades a thumbs up and says he’ll help with that.
The next time you see the god, he’s eager to call you over and explain that he’s figured out what you were doing last time and offers to let you mess with some of the drops of water that follow him wherever he goes. You stare at them, eyebrows furrowed and looking just as sick as a shade could look. Yet, you still nod your head and hold out a shaky hand. He smiles at you, praising you for your courage and flicks one towards you; it floats gently before it rests serenely on your palm, allowing you to feel the cool sensation of the droplet. You marvel at it, still shaking with an anxiety before you nod. He pulls it away, it shoots back to rest next to his head and you thank him for going out of his way to help you and ease your fears.
He remarks that you should fear the water out of respect: it’s unpredictable, terrifying in it’s own right- vast and, seemingly, never ending, what could possibly be more terrifying than the unknown, hm? He continues to say that you should also hold onto a bit of bravery at the very least, for untold treasures come from there for those who look.
After that conversation, Poseidon makes it a habit of having you hold onto his droplets of water, making them slightly bigger each time for you to get used to them.
By the time you’re able to touch them freely without experiencing crippling fear- the droplets are almost the size of you. Poseidon praises you the more you grow out of your fear.
You do eventually open up to him about how you died and he never tells you that he already knew. Just allows you to talk in a soft voice as you recall it. It’s a nice bonding experience for the both of you and Posideon decides that you’re his favorite Shade and he’ll treasure you for as long as you exist.
The first time you get him a bottle of Ambrosia, you come to him shivering and sopping wet. He’s confused and concerned as he hovers to you.
“What happened to you, Little Shade? Are you alright?”
It takes you a moment to be able to speak. “I- I found a bottle of Ambrosia. I thought-” you take a deep breath, holding out the bottle with both hands- “I thought you’d like it.”
It’s one of his prized possessions now, he takes little sips of it once in a while, but other than that it remains as one of his most precious memories. He’s very attached to you at this point and you’ll forever have his blessing. His gift to you, aside from the undying loyalty, is a shell necklace, if you ever need him- you only need to whisper his name to it and he’ll appear in an instant.
Athena
Cause of Death: Exhaustion
Athena had been prepared to meet with Zagreus- not a curious shade staring back up at her with all the relevance of one of her worshippers.
“What business do you have with me?”
She raises her brow at your gobsmacked expression, watching as you screw your face up before bowing. “Apologies, m’lady, I only happened to bump into your…” you look at where it glows, furrowing your eyebrow, “your orb?”
“Boon.”
You nod your head in understanding before bowing your head again. “Again, my sincerest apologies.”
Luckily, she didn’t smite you, instead asking the question of how you were even talking to her. Getting a shrug from you, you say that maybe it’s because you worshipped her (unofficially, you were never able to make it up to her shrine much to your disappointment) when you were alive- maybe a deeper bond is there compared to someone who had never prayed to her for her protection and guidance.
When she hears this, she’s very interested, pressing you to elaborate further when the Young Prince comes jogging out of the glowing window, waving to you. You slink away, passing the boon to him and bowing to her once again before you disappear into the mass of Shades that choose to wander their new home as well.
After the conversation, you had caught the Goddess’ attention, planting a desire in her to see you again. Even going as far as to write a letter to ask her uncle for a council with you after a week passed of her placing her boon in Tartarus so that maybe you would drift too close to it once again. But each time only the little prince would find them (which she was fine with, but it still left such an unflattering taste of defeat on her tongue each time it wasn’t you). She figured it would be a moot point to send the letter, but it was worth a try.
But she decided to place her boon down once more before she sent it out. Just to try. And this time it worked.
You were the one she saw and she was absolutely delighted- not that she showed it, choosing to keep her stoic and sharp expression. You greet her in a similar way before: awed before bowing your head to her. You continue to go on about how you're happy to see her again and, despite how little you had been buried with, you hoped that she would take this- a broken sword, despite the worn hilt and the deep scars the littered what was left of the flat of the balde; it was still polished (at least what was left of it)- as a proper offering to her for all she had done in your life- even if it truly wasn’t all her doings.
She takes the sword in her hand, holding it high, her eyes shining as she studies it: truly, it was a warrior’s blade. She watches as the history and memories flash in the smooth iron. She remarks that it is a remarkable offering, but she cannot accept it. It feels wrong taking a weapon of a warrior such as yourself.
You smile as her, shaking your head, urging her to take it, for you didn’t need that blade in this afterlife. You had already fought your battles, killing the man who you had been battling with and quelling the rage that had followed you since you were a child for revenge. Eventually, dying from the strain of the fight with a feeling of contentedness.
Athena raises her brow, remarking how that sounded more along the lines of Ares rather than her.
You nod, but say that you couldn’t help but desire her help for she was the goddess attached to your favorite animal. She had to fight the urge to laugh, a shaky smile slipping through as she nods at you. Such a silly thing you are. She decides that she’ll take the sword as a reminder of you, no matter where you should go now. She also decides that you were forming a rather soft cradle in her heart.
After this, she is quick to ask Zagreus about you every chance she gets- not that he minds too much, he tells her about how you’ve been helping him train and you’ve even told him about your life when you were alive (“a general, can you believe that? They’re so young!” Zagreus says as he shows her the new move you taught him). She’s only the slightest bit miffed at hearing that you and Achilles have begun to form a sweet friendship. She’s pleased to hear that his father has been trying to barter with you to get you into Elysium, though she’s a tad confused on the reason you refuse to.
She asks you about it one day and you say that it would take longer to see her and you would prefer to avoid that. It was the only time the goddess has ever had to fight down a blush.
When you get her a bottle of Ambrosia, she’s in pure awe at the huge bottle.
“How did you get one this big?”
You lean against the new sword you managed to get your hands on- something simple and obviously used- you offer her a lopsided grin. “Well, not just any Ambrosia would work, so I decided to try my luck with Lord Theseus and, The Great Bull, Asterius. Took me a couple of tries but I managed to beat them and snag it.”
Athena smiles warmly at it, telling you that she’ll treasure it and think of you every time she takes a drink of it. She realizes in that moment just how important you had become to her, never feeling this… soft for a mortal soul in her life. Her gift to you is a shield and a new sword: the shield bares her symbol of an owl while the sword was ornate with a divine glow. She promises that no matter what they’ll protect you and so will she, you only need to call out her name.
Aphrodite
Cause of Death: A Broken Heart
When the Goddess of Love first sees you- she thinks you’re absolutely gorgeous (of course not as gorgeous as her). The sad look in your eye and the slight frown that rests on your lips makes her almost fall in love right then and there.
“Hello, little one- do you know where the little godling is?”
You shake your head. “I’m sorry, Lady Aphrodite. I know not where he is.”
She raises her brows, a smile on her face. “How did you know I was Aphrodite, my dear?”
You look up at her, a sudden glint in your eyes has her yearning to see it once again. “No one else could be so breathtaking, my Lady.”
Oh. Oh, she likes you.
She chooses to chatter away with you- despite you mostly listening, adding little things here and there, she feels a strange sense of fullness, like she just ate a full and warm meal for the first time in a very long time, by the time Zagreus arrives. You bid your farewell and she can’t help but follow you with her gaze as your transparent form blends in with the other Shades.
Aphrodite is thrilled the next time she runs into you- or rather you run into her boon. She missed the melancholy look in your eyes, she also doesn’t miss the fact that you’ve come bearing gifts this time: an assortment of colorful flowers rests in your arms and you offer it to her. That glint coming and going like a shooting star as she accepts the offering, holding it up to her nose to take in their sweet scent. How sweet were you to hand her something so delicate.
She asks you where you got them and you remark that you made your way up to Elysium. She’s surprised to hear as such- you didn’t seem like the warrior type. You shake your head, your eyes sweeping low. You weren’t a warrior, far from it- a simple florist if anything. You just drifted until you made it up there and plucked some flowers to make bouquets. You mumble that maybe you’ll be more useful in death.
She tilts her head at the comment, beginning to ask until Zagreus is jogging up to the both of you and it was time for you to leave. She’s a tad annoyed, but reminds herself that the little godling didn’t know- simply trying to break out of this dreary place he calls home and see Olympus in all its glory. She’ll just ask next time.
You gave her another bouquet, this one more beautiful than the last, when she gets the chance to ask you her question. Your eyes pool with a mournful look as you gaze up at her, your hand resting over the place where your heart used to beat as you look to the ground. You explain that you were young when you were wed- just as you were young when you died. You were married off to someone you did not love- someone awful, vile, who beat you down daily just to build you back up so they could laugh when they toppled you over once again. You remark about how you could feel yourself dying little by little, your delicate heart bleeding as your want for life began to dwindle away. You grew sick and you would sit by the window day in and day out, staring out and wondering what your life could have been if you were married to someone you loved. A ghost of a smile blooms on your lips as you look up at her, that glint she oh-so loved twinkling in your eye as you say that you did not die in as much loneliness and pain as you could have; having been making a bouquet dedicated just to her love and sweetness: your Lady Aphrodite who you love, ever so much.
She’s shocked when she realizes the tears that drip down her cheeks, her hand coming to caress your cheek (really your head, she was hulking compared to your small form) with her fingertips. She comments that she would accept every bouquet you made and treasure each flower like it was the one you made for her with your last breaths in the living world.
After that interaction, she comes down a lot more, asking Zagreus if he could bring along her darling florist so that she could talk to you. He always obliges, loving to see the two of you chatter about (well, her chatter about, you usually just listened with a smile on your face as you used the flowers you had plucked into flower crowns for him and Lady Aphrodite). You two become a sort of comfort for him when he’s getting frustrated: seeing your usually melancholy demeanor light up as soon as the goddess appears and in turn the goddess becomes something less vain and more gentle as she speaks to you.
At some point, you’ll probably meet Ares himself- the two never that far from each other, also she adores you, so it only makes sense for you to meet him. He’s honestly a tad unimpressed when you first meet, but when he hears about the heart ache you faced he gains a sense of respect for you, remarking that love is a battle in and of itself and you fought valiantly to keep your ability to love freely (Aphrodite might convince you to have a threesome, I’m not gonna lie, she’s attracted to you on a deep level and she has her trysts with Ares- it’s perfect in her eyes. Though she won’t push you if you don’t desire it).
When you first get her Ambrosia, she’s flabbergasted before it turns into worry for how you got it and the potential danger you were in.
She takes the bottle of gold liquid and the flowers that you had so carefully arranged. Her attention, though, is focused on the said bottle of Ambrosia. “My Darling Florist, how did you get this?” Before you can answer she shoots into a flurry of questions. “Are you alright? Did anything catch you? Hurt you? You don’t seem hurt. Oooh-” she puffs her cheeks out, her gaze sharp- “why did you get me this? It’s dangerous!”
You wait for her to calm down. “I apologize for making you worry, but I simply snuck around and grabbed it from some witches- they didn’t even notice me. And I-” you tap your fingers together, a blush blooming across your face as you look away from the goddess and she decides that she craves seeing that expression on you again- “I thought that you deserved it. It’s a much better offering than my silly bouquets.”
Well, aside from the ‘silly bouquets’ comment (which she corrects you on very quickly), she’s absolutely flattered and it might be the final nail in the coffin that has her falling for you, the little shade in front of her. She decides that you hold a piece of her heart in your translucent hands, though she chooses to keep that information to herself.
Her gift to you is a hairpin that matches hers, though if you don’t have enough hair- she says, you can always pin it to your robe. It’s a blatant claim on her part, but it also helps ease the residual heartache that followed you into death. And, hopefully (a personal hope of her), each time you look at it, you’d fall deeper and deeper in love with her as well.
Artemis
Cause of Death: Arrow to the Heart
She’s confused when she sees you, quick to voice her confusion as well. Also depending on if you're more feminine or masculine (and I don’t mean woman or man, I just mean how you present yourself), she will treat you differently depending. So, for now, we’re gonna go with the more “feminine” option:
“Who’re you?”
You bow. “An honor to meet you, Lady Artemis, I seem to have bumped into that orb on accident. Wasn’t sure what it did and the curiosity got the better of me.”
She hums, she perks when she notices your bow. “You’re a hunter?”
You smile, holding it out to her. “Yes, indeed, my Lady- I prayed to you a lot.” You laughed, adding. “Hoped to join your hunters when I was young.”
She’s quite happy to hear that and begins to chatter along with you. For some reason feeling oddly at ease around you. It’s probably because you were a fellow hunter but she simply can’t help the way she grows an odd sort of… adoration? Something like that, she thinks- for you. She almost laments the fact when Zagreus comes to get the boon.
You nod to him, biding your farewell to the Goddess and passing the boon to the Prince. She doesn’t miss how Zagreus’ eyes shine as you walk away. She almost comments on it but bites her tongue, wanting to observe the prince and the dreamy look that drifts over his features, even as you disappear.
The next time the two of you meet, she asks if she can see you in action. You agree and search up ahead to find something to demonstrate your skills on. You’re quick to find a few Numbskulls. She watches as you take a deep breath, your eyes narrowing on your unassuming targets and your footsteps become silent as you skirt closer to them. You nock an arrow, never looking away. Her eyes gleam with thrumming adrenaline at the way the muscles in your arms tense as you draw the string back. The low groan of the wood barely above a whisper as you wait for them to line up. You hold your breath, releasing the arrow- it goes through all three of them, making them break into dust in a consecutive line, a harrowing scream being wretched from them as they fade from existence. You release the breath you were holding and stand, sending a smile to the young goddess whose eyes shine with stars.
She praises you for your amazing skill and sings of your prowess. You shake your head, looking down at the ground as you argued that you were but a simple bow folk in your living life. Nothing more, nothing less.
She begs to differ! That type of skill only belongs to those of her highest ranking huntresses! She continues to gush about you until Zag comes up and, once again, greets the both of you. That dreamy look coming over his face as he looks at you. She watches as you once again disappear into Tartarus, this time though, after you’re gone, she turns to her cousin and shoots into a tangent about why he had never told her about you before and where did you come from? She has to know!
He answers all of her questions to the best of his abilities but there are even some he doesn’t know about, for example: how you died.
Artemis accepts this and decides that she’ll just ask you the next time the two of you meet.
And, true to her word, she does. She asks you point blank and you can’t help but be slightly taken aback. You laugh softly, leaning on your bow as you begin to recount that you were traversing her forest, as you had done many times before, and noticed fresh foot prints of man. You decided that it would be a good idea to look and you found hunters trying to kill her Golden Stag. You had dove in as quickly as you could, shooting one- the arrow sailing in a clean arch through his wrist before he could let loose his arrow. But as you went to nock another arrow- a searing pain in your chest and heart. You looked down to see blood pooling around your robes, dying the olive green of your cloak a wine red. You remember the last thing you saw was the Golden Stag running away. You smiled telling her that you were happy he got away- you don’t know what you’d do if he had been captured despite your effort.
Artemis suddenly remembers that day: her stag rushing to her and urging her to follow him- he bounded through the forest, frantic and panicked. When they got to a clearing, she was quick to notice the blood and the drag marks of a body. Her stag pressed his nose to the ground sniffing at the pool of blood, his eyes watering and bulbous tears slid down his muzzle. It suddenly made sense. You were the one he was mourning for.
She couldn’t help but grab your hands, resting her forehead against the back of them; thanking you for protecting her stag when she couldn’t. You smile at her, bowing your head to her and thanking her for the countless hunts she went on with you. You pull your hands away from her and hold out your bow to her. She asks what you think you're doing in a watery voice and you say it’s an offering. You couldn’t give much when you were alive and you still can’t give much now, but, this bow- it shall treat her right.
She sniffles as she takes it, trying to hold in tears. She vows to treasure it for all of time as she admires the worn wood.
That day, the two of you became closer as comrades, she would actively come down to say hi to you (and encourage Zagreus to take the leap and court you after she learned of his growing affections for you). The two of you would talk about everything you could think of, explaining how your hunting styles differed or how you could set a trap easier. She had realized that she had never felt this carefree with anyone before. She felt like a child. It felt nice.
When you snag her a bottle of Ambrosia- she’s swaddled in a whirlwind of emotions.
“You… You got this for me?” She asks as she takes the bottle of golden liquid.
You nod, that gentle smiling spreading across your face. “Of course. You had helped me so many times- it is only fair, my Lady-”
“Artemis-” she sniffled, rubbing her eyes with her knuckles- “call me Artemis, my friend.”
She finds you to be a perfect friend- a breath of fresh air from home. She may not feel any romantic feelings towards you, but she still holds you in a dear place in her heart. Her gift to you is a new bow and quiver that will never run out of arrows. The bow is enchanted and you’ll never have to fear it breaking for it will protect you for as long as you exist- in this realm or another.
Ares
Cause of Death: Blood Loss
When Ares first sees you, he is… well- he’s impressed that you stumbled upon his boon, but at the same time… He’s a tad miffed? That you found it?
At the very least he’s condescending as all hell about it:
“What is this? A little lamb came to beg me for power? How foolish. No matter how hard you struggle you will never be much more than some little shade.”
“Ah, sorry, my Lord! Didn’t mean to bump into it!” You hold up the basket in your translucent arms, “I wanted to see if I could find some new ingredients to bake with! I do oh-so miss it, sir.”
Well, he wasn’t expecting that.
He ends up allowing you to chatter on with him despite his obvious judgement on your, what he calls, “soft mortal hobby” until Zagreus comes to do his daily try of breaking out from the Underworld.
As he watches you drift away (after passing the boon and giving words of good luck to the Prince, who happily takes it), he kinda hopes to see you again
And see you again he does! He literally sees you the next day- night? Whatever, he’s never sure when he drops a boon in there- it’s damn dark-
He’s presented with a basket of treats and your gleeful greeting as you chatter that you found ingredients to make some Baklava and you thought that, maybe, he’d like to try it?
He smiles- cruel and sharp- and asks if you truly think that this is a fit offering for a god such as himself?
You shrug, saying he doesn’t have to eat it if he doesn’t want to
He laughs and takes it and you two are off chattering again: him regaling you with his war stories and you of the ingredients you had (somehow) found down here until Zag shows up, once again, the boon is passed to him (this time along with a slice of the delicious, warm Baklava. Which, he’s confused on what it is but he finds out very quickly that it’s his favorite treat).
The two of you talk a lot, which Ares is pleasantly surprised about, usually he’s the scorn of everyone- not that he cares, it causes conflict and he likes that. But you’re so calm and sweet that he just can’t get a rise out of you. Which, on one hand, pisses him off to no end, but, on the other, it’s such a nice change of pace for him. He’s used to the bloodshed and animosity of battlefields- the iron tinged air that follows after the warriors that traverse those fields. And yet, here you are: a shade that always has a treat for him when you run into him and the smell of warm sweetness wafting after you.
So when he learned exactly how you died- he was absolutely floored.
“How did you die, little baker?” He asked one day, fiddling with his knife, tilting it discreetly so that your reflection was in it.
“Oh!” You smiled sheepishly, glancing away from him and placing the bag of flour (how did you even get that? He’d have to ask you next) back into your basket. “Well- you see, I bled out.”
He raised his eyebrow, suddenly very interested. “How? You’re so…” he tilted his head and flipped his knife so that the blade pointed at him and the hilt pointed at you, he poked your arm with said hilt. “Soft.”
“Well…”
You explain that you had a little brother who had a nasty habit of getting into trouble- he was a good person, just made foolish choices- and this time, it had cost you your life. He had pissed off the wrong person and, well, when the man had attempted to grab your brother when the two of you were out walking the stalls on your break- you did the only thing you could think of: you fought.
Of course it went horribly, you’ve never been in a fight before then and, despite all the work you did with dough, it didn’t help much when the man pulled out a knife and dug it straight into your gut. But, you don’t mind too much- your brother’s alive and well and, from what you understand from asking Lord Hades, he had started to be more aware of himself and who he angered. Which made you super happy and proud of him!
Ares can’t help but feel some sort of pity for you. So much life to be taken so quickly and placed in- wait. Why weren’t you in Elysium?
You’re incredibly confused when Ares suddenly disappears (Aphrodite appearing in his place in the blink of an eye- she greets you happily and asks if you have any of Baklava to share today. You do not but you do have some Loukoumades if she wanted some. She did). You’re even more confused when the Underworld shakes and angry yelling fills the entirety of it for a solid ten minutes before all goes back to normal.
You tell Ares about it the next day and he simply hums. Keeping it to himself that he made a whole scene about you not being in Elysium by popping up and butting heads with Hades, of course he got kicked out. That still doesn’t stop him from sending angry letters that can span anywhere from one word letters (usually containing a curse word) to a 30 page essay on why you should be in Elysium instead of milling about in such unkempt places.
The first time you go out of your way to get him a bottle of Ambrosia is the day that both scares the shit out of him and makes him hate you for giving him mushy feelings.
You came to him in, almost literal, tatters: your greenish, transparent form ripped in places, the few wisps of you following after your torn form like they were tied to a string. You had held it up to him in a basket, a plate of Baklava sitting next to it, along with some other treats. “Lady Aphrodite mentioned that she wanted to try my Baklava, so I made her some! Though the Ambrosia is just for you, my Lord!”
He blinked at you, taking the basket in a delicate hold. He turned it this way and that, his chest feeling… warm? He wanted to grimace at the soft warmth that thrummed through his veins, yet it was replaced with a smile as he held up the gold liquid. “Thank you, little Baker.”
It was the first time he felt something so unexplainably soft: so gentle and warm as it settled somewhere between the bottom of his ribcage and the top of his stomach. He listened as you told him how you had gotten it: with Zagreus’ help (you even got to meet Lord Hermes! It was so amazing! He had scoffed at that) he led you to a room with Ambrosia as the prize and, despite the young prince’s worry, you managed to beat the monsters and collect it, mostly, by yourself.
Ares was so flattered, but he couldn’t help the way that your tattered form made him feel a sort of worry. He waved his hands through the wisps of your body before he snapped his fingers and a small blade appeared: a beautifully constructed blade that was an exact replica of his (albeit much, much smaller). He handed it to you, telling you that you should have a proper weapon if you’re going to go out of your way to fight in his name.
Dionysus
Cause of Death: Alcohol Poisoning
Dionysus, unlike many, is incredibly excited to see you sitting there. He adores mortal souls and can’t help but look at them each time Zag chooses his boons and he has the chance to glimpse at their souls (despite his tendency to let them go completely after they die- he can’t help but wonder about them once in a while).
“Why, hello there! What’s a little thing like you doing strolling up to my boon, hm?”
He can’t help but notice the way your eyes are a tad dull, but he writes that off as the dark of Tartarus since it’s gone as fast as he noticed it. You smile up at him, absolutely beaming at the God of drink and madness. “Hello, Lord Dionysus!”
“Oho, you could tell it was me? What gave it away?”
The two of you laugh, diving into a conversation. He offers you a cup of wine and is put off with how long it takes you to decline it. He almost thought you looked absolutely ravenous as you peered into the deep red liquid. He shrugs it off and continues to chatter with you until his favorite Zagman stumbles upon the two of you. He’s quick to say hi to you and even leans down to ask you… something. Dionysus misses it, but still watches the way you stiffly nod before you pass the boon to the prince and scurry off.
He’s tempted to ask about it, but decides that he should probably ask you himself instead of trying to pry. Mortals didn’t take well to people snooping around their private lives, which he could respect.
The next time he sees you though, he relaxes you into a sort of peaceful lull as he chats with you before he drops the question.
You stare blankly at him, that dark look in your eye coming back and making his skin crawl. You suddenly laugh it off waving your hands as you tell him that a god shouldn’t worry about a little ol’ shade like you.
He doesn’t push for an answer but the question still swirls in his mind, even as you toddle off after his Zagman pops up. He decides that he’ll actually ask the Prince this time around.
He asks him point blank and Zag, despite him being hesitant at first, decides to spill how you died. You had been the black sheep of your family, never truly fitting into the carefully set path that they wanted you to follow- so you found solace in drinking from a young age. It had taken the edge off of everything, Zagreus recounted you telling him. It filled you with a warmth you had been missing all your life and you couldn’t help but indulge more and more in it until it slowly became your own personal poison. Dionysus grimaced, for once feeling a sort of queasiness in the pit of his stomach as Zagreus continued on with your story. So, one day, you had drunk yourself into a deep stupor after an awful argument with your parents. But, this time, you never woke up. Instead you woke up floating in the river of blood- the River of Styx.
Dionysus had nodded after the Prince finished the story, playing with the goblet in his hand and swirling the red wine that resides in it. He offers a bitter smile to Zag and bids his farewell (of course leaving a boon of his choice with the lad) popping off back to Olympus.
The next time he runs into you, he asks if you’re feeling alright- if you want to talk. You blink at him, confused at first until realization dawns you. You bite your lip, looking down. He’s quick to assure you that you didn’t have to talk about anything- you two could just have a good time like always. You tell him that you’d like that, not yet ready to face your past. He nods, immediately telling you about an embarrassing story about Ares and how much of a lightweight he was which had you letting out an ugly snort along with your loud cackles.
The god begins to take it upon himself to have you smiling more and maybe remedy those dark clouds that appear in your eyes once in a while. He’s pretty observant despite being piss drunk half the time, it also helps that he’s very intune to your emotions for some odd reason, so he’s quick to pick up on when you feel down or your having something the equivalent to a relapse. He has you drink just a little bit from his goblet since it’s better than quitting cold turkey. And that little bit is always enough to quench your thirst and calm you down. You’ve been needing less and less of it as the days (nights?) pass by.
The first time you get Dionysus Ambrosia is the same day that he almost swears that he’ll marry you. He’s quick to grow emotional with the sheer fact that you went out of your way to get something so special for him, his face almost splitting with how wide of a smile he has on his face.
“You got this for me, man?” He says, holding up the bottle in his hand and inspecting it like it’s a precious jewel. “You know this stuff is hard to come by, super hard.”
You nod, the clouds far from your eyes now. “I had to thank you some way and punching a couple of Shades to get my hands on that was worth it.”
“You punched people for me?”
“Of course.”
He fights the urge to squeal and pops the top off, summoning another cup and pouring some in it. “Here’s to us!” He says as he hands you the cup.
He’s honestly never had so much fun just existing with one person. After that he’s never far from you, one usually not seen without the other around- even despite the Underworld not being Dionysus’ favorite place, he can’t help but be willing to venture down there to see you in person (he’s been trying to convince his wonderful Uncle Hades to let you come up with him to Olympus for a little bit- he’s even got his dad and (other) Uncle in on it. Hades officially hates all of them). His gift to you is a matching goblet that will supply you any beverage of your choice. It also has the double power to protect you from all that wishes to harm you, but you’ll learn that in due time. It’ll be more fun that way, Dionysus muses.
Hermes
Cause of Death: Falling
Usually, Heremes wouldn’t have taken the time of day to chatter mindlessly with a shade. But, it was a different story when that shade summoned him through bumping into his boon- now it’s just interesting!
“Eh? Who’re you? It’s kinda strange for a shade to be here and not my Cos, huh? Did something happen to him? You his stand in or something? That’d be kinda funny because you don’t seem like his stand in- not buff enough or something like that.”
You blink slowly taking in the words of his mile a minute speech as he continues to prattle on. You take a seat in front of the quick mouthed god, getting yourself comfortable as he flutters about and chatters. Not like you minded- he filled in the places where you couldn’t with steady conversation. You nod to some of the quips he makes, just to show you were still listening.
He decides then and there that he likes you a lot and that you should meet Charon. As soon as Zagreus pops up to collect the boon- he grabs the back of your robes and goes zooming off with you in tow. You wave to the panicked prince, allowing yourself to be dragged around. He continues to chatter on and on, only taking a break when he reaches the Boatman (who was not expecting a Shade to be accompanying the God of Messengers). He sets you down, tries to introduce you two to each other- realizes he doesn’t know your name, so you end up telling them your name- and then is quick to say goodbye, after he gives a scroll to Charon, and shoots off.
You end up staying with Charon after learning a bit more about the quiet boatman and Hermes is quite pleased when he realizes that he’d be seeing you around a lot more. He’s quick to flutter about you and chatter for a few quick seconds before zipping off. You wave at him.
The process repeats for a while before he finally takes a moment to really sit with you, Charon having gone to pick up more souls and lead them down the River of Styx. He chatters on aimlessly, asking little questions here and there before he decides to ask the million dollar question: “How did you die?”
You blink slowly as him before murmuring that you fell from a very high place, you head cracking open on the rocks at the bottom and now here you are. He asks why you were messing about on a high place, as that seemed to be something most mortals avoided doing. You explained that there was a kitten stuck in an old root on the ledge and you couldn’t just leave her. So, you crawled onto the branch and put her back onto safe ground, but the root gave way and then you went tumbling to your doom.
Hermes is surprisingly quiet throughout the entire exchange until you reach the end and he says: “you’re a real bleeding heart under all that quiet, huh?” You nod solemnly and he laughs, pulling you into a side hug. How could something with such a fleeting life be so selfless with it? He squeezes you harder before he stands up and bids you farwell, shooting off once again. And, again, you wave as he goes.
He grows attached to you quickly afterwards, bringing you little things that might help make you more comfortable down in the Underworld. Of course Charon is there to keep you company which he’s happy about- and he voices that exact thought to the boatman, who just grumbles out a long: uuuuaagghhh as his reply. He pats his arm and says that he knew he’d get it.
When you manage to get your hands on a bottle of Ambrosia- he’s completely blind sided that he almost trips on his own feet. His face flushing a deep red as he takes the offered bottle.
“How’d- how’d you get this?” His speech is all jumbled and jumpy, though he tries to keep the giddy excitement bubbling in his stomach as bay.
“I saved up my coin,” you said, nodding to Charon who nods back. “And bought it from Charon. I would’ve fought for it, but I’m no warrior.”
A smile splits across his face and the wings on the side of his head flutter. He’s quick to scoop you up and hug you, floating up with you as he does.
Hermes is an absolute giddy mess with your offering, not sure if he should kiss you or simply remain holding you. He had a special place for you before but this just solidifies his adoration for you. His gift to you is a pair of boots with wings on the side of them- an exact replica of his (in your size! Somehow-). He promises that they’ll help you get anywhere you want quickly, also the two of you match! How cute is that?
Some cuddling headcanons cuz im bored and im trying to write again :V
Zagreus - When it comes to cuddling with Zag, it’s a 50/50 on who gets to be little spoon. Zag is both delighted to hold you tight as you both lay and rest as he is excited to have your arms wrapped around his body. Don’t expect to fall asleep tho- Zagreus won’t be able to shut up- eager to tell you about his latest run or to hear what you have done that day. Also, Zagreus is so warm- after all his feet are literally on fire! He will warm you right up with a couple of minutes of snuggling against him. The poor guy may be restless, but he will always get a moment to lay down and relax with you if he can.
Thanatos - Unlike Zag, Than is not a fan of cuddling, he might allow you to spoon him from time to time, but usually he prefers to lay next to you, holding your hand in silence as you both get a moment to rest. He is busy, so his time with you will be short. He hates it when you fall asleep because that means he either has to wake you up and disturb your rest, or leave you to wake up alone. Both are terrible options.
Hypnos - The king of cuddles and naps is here! Hypnos is the absolute best in the house to cuddle with, unless of course if you hate being the big spoon. Maybe if you ask nicely Hyomos will let you be the little spoon, but usually he is the one that scoots himself so that his back is against your body. Cuddling with hypnos guarantees a great nap- sometimes a very long nap- but the rest you’d feel would be so magnificent that you won’t be able to worry about anything for a couple of days or nights.
Megaera - Big spoon all the way. Megaera has little time to lay and rest, but when she does, she makes sure to always have you safe and protected, her grasp tight but gentle. If he is feeling playful she might hug you tightly so you don’t leave the bed before her, her soft voice giggling and telling you that there is no escape from her. You might want to wash your face after cuddling with her, because she might leave marks from all the kisses she gives you.
Alecto - If you somehow manage to cuddle with Alecto, then you will most surely end up getting smothered, she turns into a wrestler while asleep, taking hold of you in a headlock or between her thighs. Either she is still violent even in her sleep, or she is pretending to sleep just to mess with you.
Tisiphone - Tisiphone is another of the house residents that almost never sleeps. Also a big spoon like her sisters, she will hold you gently for a short time before duty calls. That time is usually spent napping or with her running her fingers through your hair. She always wakes you up before leaving for work.
Nyx - Nyx is not good at spooning, but much prefers to have you on top of her. She is DEFINITELY letting you rest your head on her chest. Other than that, hopefully you aren’t scared of the dark because when nyx wants to rest, she will engulf the room you are both in total darkness, making you feel like you are floating in a void.
Hades - Much like Nyx, Hades prefers to have you sleeping on his man-titties. You might feel nervous that he could roll over and squish you, but dont worry, does not move at all when he has you in his arms. If he does not feel like napping while cuddling, then maybe he will allow you to sit on his lap as he works, but you better not distract him, because as nice as it is to have his lap warm with you, he needs to be able to finish his work on time. Also he definitely demands cuddles at times, leaving you no room to argue. Sometimes he makes you feel like a teddy bear.
Finding Them When They're Trapped: Chthonic Edition (NSFW-ish)
💢Alecto💢
Needless to say, Alecto is FURIOUS. Well. What she is usually is furious. Whatever this is defies any language whatsoever. She's hissing and spitting and snarling, looking more beast than person. Honestly, if she calmed down, she probably could've gotten herself loose by now.
"Hey, Alecto, you alright?"
"Do I look alright?!? Get these wretched things off me NOW!"
She's tangled up in chains, too haphazard to be intentional. You glance up at the ceiling, where the usual shackles that dangle from the roof of Tartarus are conspicuously absent. They must have gotten knocked loose somehow. You know better than to tease her right then. Alecto will not find it appealing. Instead, you crouch down beside her. "Hold still, I'll get you free."
She growls and mutters as you work the chains loose all "Damnable place." and "Curse Daedalus, and all his wretched contracters." and "If I wasn't trapped right now, I'd tear you to shreds." That last one comes when you accidentally pull the chains tighter. Oops. Eventually, you succeed in getting her free enough that she can shake the rest of them off.
"Better?"
"Bah, I didn't need your help. I could've gotten out just fine on my own."
"Of course," you say affably. Tbh, most of the time it's just easier to let Alecto have it. She's kinda like a really grumpy alley cat and it's far more adorable than you'll ever say out loud. Hey, you're brave but you're not stupid.
Alecto starts to storm off, but stops just at the threshold to the next chamber. "...Thanks." she says, in the same tone one would say "go fuck yourself."
Aww, she likes you <3
🛶Charon🛶
You're walking through the depths of Tarturus when you hear... splashing? That's odd. Sure, there's fish occasionally and definitely the sounds of the water rushing by, but splashing? That's just weird.
You peer over the side of the platform and see. Oh, fuck. Hello.
"Mghhhh?"
"Oh, shit!" You scramble to help pull Charon back onto dry(ish) land, the boatman shockingly light given his size. "What happened?"
Charon turns his head away, pulling his hat down to cover his face. "Mhhhh. Hhhhhhhhh..... mhhh," he says, almost sheepishly.
"You... fell out of your boat?"
"Mnn. >:("
"I'm trying very hard not to laugh, okay? You're just gonna have to deal with the smile."
"...mhhhh...?"
"Yeah, yeah, I promise not to tell anyone. I'm not that mean."
🌌Chaos🌌
Chaos had been watching your various interactions with the Olympians and finds them deeply amusing. It looks fun. They want to play too! Which is why you're surprised, upon your next visit, to find them sprawled out upon the stone, pinned at strategic locations by the weight of fallen columns.
"Chaos! You alright? What happened?"
"My realm has fallen upon me and I am now trapped. Helpless. Unable to escape from anything you may choose to do to me."
You stare at Chaos. They're...? No. They can't be. But what else...?
At your blank expression, Chaos tips their head. "You are confused. I witnessed the goddess Aphrodite play this with you. Have I misunderstood the rules of the game?"
Son of a bitch, they actually are. Congratulations, you're now going to have to spur of the moment dom a primordial entity while also digesting the fact that said primordial entity is apparently peeking in on your sex life. You just hope they're not gossiping about it with Zagreus...
"No, no, you've got it right."
"Ah, good." Chaos seems contented. "I struggle so to interpret the nuances of the realms above. Every time I blink there seems to be yet more."
"So, um, how do you want to...?"
"Hmm, yes. Pray, oh noble hero, take pity on me. Certainly do not ravish me and take advantage of my defenseless form. Oh, I shall give you anything to prevent this. I am, of course, lying. Happily take whatever liberties you please."
Well, with an invitation like that, are you just gonna say no?
🔥Hades🔥
"Damn these blasted wretches! Not me, you fools, Zagreus! Zagreus!"
An all too familiar voice echoes through the chambers as you walk through Tartarus. Hades sounds more incensed than you've ever heard him before, which is a truly impressive feat considering just how long the list of things that annoys the god of the Underworld is.
You come around the corner just in time to spy a few of those weird hand things vanish around the corner. Hades writhes on the floor, wrapped from head to toe in chains and swearing vehemently. You lean over him, smiling cheekily. "And whatever happened here, Lord Hades?"
"Stop gawking and assist me this instant!" he barks.
You touch his shoulder, reliahing the way his muscles strain beneath the skin. "But you look so nice like this."
"Get off me."
The walls themselves shake as Hades roars, snapping the chains as if they are made of little more than paper. He gets to his feet, his eyes dark. "Never do that again. Not here."
He avoids you the next few days. You think he's still mad at you, but in reality he's just ashamed of his outburst. He feels bad for frightening you like that. In truth, he probably wouldn't have minded the situation if it hadn't been out in the open where any passing shade could've seen him. Hades is very much NOT into voyeurism. He has a reputation to maintain after all. But perhaps he might look into procuring some of those chains and presenting them to you as an apology of sorts...
💤Hypnos💤
Cerberus lounges in his usual spot, Hades himself missing, perhaps still fighting Zagreus up above. Oddly, the rest of the hall seems deserted too. Not unheard of, but definitely noteable.
"Hey, Cerberus."
The three-headed dog thumps his tail, happy to see you, almost muffling the faint voice coming from below him.
"Uh, hey? Is somebody there?"
You look a little closer, noting that you can see specks of grey and gold through the gap between Cerberus's head and paws. "Is that you, Hypnos?"
"Yep, it's me! Can you uh, maybe help me?"
"Cerberus, let poor Hypnos go. He's not your chew toy."
The dog looks thoughtful for a moment before deciding that no, in fact, you're wrong and also he wants you in the snuggle pile too. You produce a rather undignified noise as Cerberus's middle head scoops you up and tucks you under his chest.
"So, I guess you won't be getting me out, huh?" Hypnos chirps.
"Probably not." You have to admit tho, it is comfier under here than you thought it would be. And Hypnos is happy to cuddle up to you, sharing his fluffy quilted cloak.
"You know, I'm glad Cerberus got you too. Now we can take a nap together!"
You've got a dog and a snuggly sweet little god, what more could you want? I mean, besides air that isn't horribly warm and smells like dog breath. But other than that.
🖤Megaera🖤
"Ugh. Blast that Zagreus..."
"Hi, Meg."
"Oh no." Meg grits her teeth, clearly unhappy that you've found her in such a state. And, to be fair, being pinned to the wall by arrows is probably quite embarrassing for her. "Alright, get your jokes out and let's get this over with."
"That... that doesn't hurt, does it? It kinda looks like it hurts." You might have considered teasing her, but uh actually that does look really painful. You eye the spray of arrows spearing her wing to the stone, wincing at the black globs of blood that trickle down them.
"I've had worse. Just send me back to the House. I don't want to stand around here all day."
"Right." You're kinda used to the whole "death is faster and more convenient than dealing with whatever mess I've ended up" thing that all the Underworld denizens seem to have going on.
As you're leaning in to stab her, Meg whispers, "Next time you'll be the one trapped." and even days later you're still not entirely sure if she was threatening you or flirting with you.
🌙Nyx🌙
Of all the things you expected to find Nyx doing, attempting to free her hair from a rosebush was not one of them.
"Um... what's up?"
Honestly, you didn't even know Nyx could blush. "I... These flowers have proven a bit trickier than I first thought."
"Can't you just command them to let you go?" You're trying incredibly hard not to find this situation funny but you're pretty sure you're smiling anyway.
"They are not of this realm and therefore do not obey me. Perhaps, if you could...?"
"Yeah, yeah, of course."
"Pray, be gentle. Zagreus worked so hard to prpcure the gemstones required to commission them. I would hate for his efforts to go to waste."
Nyx has gotten her hair so impressively tangled that you're genuinely not even sure how she accomplished this. As you work, your mind wanders and you think about what it would be like if Nyx really was trapped. The words come out before you can reflect on whether or not they should.
"You ever play any games in the Underworld? Say, damsel in distress perhaps?"
"Hmm. No. You'll have to teach me. And I fear I am a hands-on learner."
Wait.
Forget the fact that you just flirted with a goddess.
Did she just flirt back??
💀Thanatos💀
"This cannot be happening. Not again."
You know that voice. You poke your head into the next chamber, unsurprised to see Thanatos but definitely surprised to see that he's somehow gotten himself tangled up in chains like a kitten in a ball of yarn.
"So... how'd this happen?"
"Oh, darkness." Than turns his head away, hiding his face under his hood. "Of all the people," he mumbles. "I tripped on the stupid things and now they won't let me go. The Chains of Death have never liked me."
"Or maybe they like you a little too much," you tease.
"Please... no jokes. This is already embarrassing enough."
You pinch Than's cheek playfully. "Oh, I would never make fun of such a scary god."
Thanatos swallows thickly, looking somehow even more embarrassed than he had just a second ago.
"Unless," you suggest, raising an eyebrow playfully. "he wants me to?"
"You and I are no longer on speaking terms," Thanatos mutters.
🔪Tisiphone🔪
You haven't had much contact with the last of the Fury sisters. She spends her time in the most out of the way sections of Tarturus, the hardest of them all to stumble across by accident. Therefore, you're entirely surprised to find her in this chamber, so close to the House.
"Murder," she hisses, sounding all manner of annoyed. And fair tbh. If your wing was trapped in a door, you'd probably be annoyed too.
"Um, hey there. You need a hand?"
Tisiphone shoots her head toward you, but doesn't say anything, instead simply staring as you very cautiously approach. Carefully, so as not to hurt her further, you pry the door open to give her space to pull her wing free.
"Mrr," she huffs, flapping the wing experimentally.
"Everything okay?"
She snaps her gaze to you, just as sharp as the first time. "Murderer."
"Uh, no? I don't think so?"
She's looking at you so intently, so unblinkingly (can she blink?) that you feel like something about to be hunted. You take a step back and she reaches for you, her bony hand curling in the empty space.
"Mrr... mrr...." And then she makes a different noise. It's... the first sound of your name? Not all of it, just enough to be recognizable. Oh. Okay.
Summary: Reader makes an altar to Hypnos, hoping he will help them sleep better. Hypnos, being a minor deity, doesn’t get altars very often, so he decides to personally visit and help the mortal.
Authors note: Hypnos also deserves some love, hopefully others enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it!
conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 69 (masterpost here) (league days)
Damian: ok one more, quickly before Father shows up.
Dick: you should release this app y'no littlewing, it's honestly impressive that you coded it by yourself.
Jason: stop trying to get my league days app code, i told you i'm not letting you skip ahead.
Dick, whining: come on,,,
Tim: shut up and give us the next one.
*distant car alarm*
Jason: ...d'you reckon that's a robbery alarm or a 'pigeon just flew into my parked car's windshield' alarm?
Tim: i... *deep sigh* honestly my arms are really tired from pulling a double-patrol; let's just say pigeon alarm so i don't have to stand up again.
Damian: can't wait for that news article. 'Robin, Red Robin, Red Hood and Nightwing spotted sitting on a roof playing an ice breaker game while two streets away the Joker steals a car with a baby inside from it's weeping mother'.
Jason: *snort* 'when questioning Batman on his co-workers clear apathy to the suffering of Gotham's people, our great protector responded 'they thought it was a pigeon''.
Tim: *snicker*
Dick: well, i hear no screams and the Joker's dead, so i'm gonna go ahead and say we're good for the next few minutes. hit us, Day.
*long pause of silence*
Jason, wryly: why are you lookin' at me like that? what does it say?
Damian, audibly exasperated: 'i've always been quite pleased with the fact that nobody ever questioned my decision to be a vegetarian, because it's very embarrassing to explain'.
*another pause*
Tim: oh for fuck's sake-
Jason, already laughing: what- what's wrong-?
Tim, flat: no.
Dick: *amused* whaddya mean no,
Tim: no- because you know how unfair this bullshit is? i can't even decide if it's more helpful to play this game in person or just over the ear pieces, because they're- THEY'RE FUCKING LOOKING AT EACH OTHER,
Jason: *wheeze*
Tim: -LIKE WHAT DOES THAT FACE MEAN?
Damian: *quietly chuckling* i don't- it doesn't mean anything, Drake. it's fine,
Tim: no- that has to be, like, you're looking at him because you're pissed about how vague he made the lie. Jay made the lies and you made the truths, so if you're looking at him like that it has to be a lie.
Dick: don't- fuckin' *light wheeze* stop ruining the game before it even starts! even if it is a lie, are you not curious about what the fuck he comes up with?
Tim: no. i've learned, Dick. the best way to get out of this game calmly is to just use your instincts and shut it down straight away. it's my new strategy, ok? i'm hacking the code.
Dick: *wheeze*
Jason, fighting back laughter: well you don't- i don't think you can make that assumption, you know? letting Damian pick all the truths in the game is a big responsibility, who knows what he'd avoid writing down just to get out of talking about it. maybe i slipped a few more truths in there to force it out of him; maybe that's why he's glaring at me.
*a beat*
Damian: *wheeze*
Tim: no fuck off, you aren't just changing the way the game works, that's not allowed.
Damian: w- it's a made up game, Timothy, what are you talking about?
Tim: *incredulous huff of laughter* no! no, this is a lie. nay, end of, i'm out. you aren't getting me with this one.
Dick: pussy. Damian, why is it embarrassing that you're a vegetarian?
Damian: *snort* uh,
Tim, mocking: -oh do you not remember? shocking.
Damian: *wheeze* it's because i became a vegetarian after losing a bet.
Dick, curiously: wait so it wasn't your choice?
Damian: no, i actually used to love eating meat.
Jason: that's what she- *quieter* no i can't make that joke in reference to a young child, my bad.
Dick: *abrupt cackle* JASON.
Damian, also laughing: fuck you.
Tim: are you actually claiming you don't eat meat ever, all because you lost a bet as a child?
Dick: yeah, what fucking bet was this? what happened?
Jason: *snicker*
Damian: *sigh* so, Jason had to take some of his men to one of the villages near the compound, i'll admit i can't really remember why,
Tim: convenient.
Dick: *laughs*
Damian: -i just remember that everybody seemed to think the reason they'd been sent was bullshit. i'm fairly sure my grandfather had sent them and they were just going to make him stop talking about it or something? so they weren't actually doing anything, they just went to the village and were hanging out, talking to the locals and stuff. and Jason thought it would be a good opportunity to get me out of the compound for a few hours, so he snuck me out and took me with them.
Dick: this village- was this like, a normal village, or a league connected village, or…?
Damian: normal. or- er, *pause* i guess you could say league connected? it was basically- the compound was very far from modern civilisation, but although Grandfather didn’t want the world to know he existed, he did want to take advantage of some modern supplies,
Jason: -cause he’s a fuckin’ hypocrite-
Damian: -so you keep telling him- anyway, there’s quite a few settlements and small civilisations or villages within on-foot travel distance, and although they’re all local and technically not affiliated with the league, he does use some of those villages as supply drop offs or neutral meeting spots, so like… they are kinda connected but only in the way that an amazon warehouse would be connected to Jason’s phone. y’know?
Jason: leave me and my fucking amazon app alone.
Dick: ok so the people living there-?
Damian: not league employees.
Dick: got it. so you and Jason are at this village, not working.
Damian: exactly.
Dick: what happens next?
Damian: well, one of the most recent shipments Grandfather was having Jason’s men oversee was weaponry; guns and rifles and stuff. so, because they’re all childish idiots, Jason and his most trusted squadron start playing with the guns.
Jason: *snort*
Damian: one of the locals we were more familiar with used to make these clay statues, like little animals, y’know? and Jason blew i think, like, six months of his pay on ridiculously overpaying for a bunch of these little clay birds.
Tim: hold on- you actually got paid at the loa?
Jason: *disinterested noise* i mean i guess you could argue it was more my allowance, but yeah.
Tim: unbelievable. we don’t get paid.
Dick, dry: Tim you inherited millions from your parents.
Tim: still.
Dick: ok- anyway, what happened with the clay birds.
Damian: they were taking in turns using them as targets while trying out the rifles, you know- like clay pigeon shooting? and i decided i wanted to try.
Dick: shooting?
Damian: yes. i didn’t have that much practice with guns at that point, because Grandfather preferred i sharpen my more traditional combat abilities. but i was young, and i wanted to copy Jason and his friends, i guess.
Dick: Jason- what face even is that?
Jason: i’m- i’m *audible struggling not to laugh* just shut up- leave me alone, i’m not part of this.
Dick: uh- *wheeze* ok, so Day, did he let you use the gun?
Damian: he thought it would be a bad idea, but i was… insistent.
Jason: *whimper*
Tim, flatly: why the fuck wouldnt he want you using a gun? he gives you guns now,
Damian: when i was younger i was… more sensitive to animals, and i had a tendency to get attached. *pause* to objects. occasionally.
Dick: waddaya mean?
Jason, muffled, high pitched: ‘e ‘ad a pet rock,
Dick, in disbelief: what??
Damian: LOOK,
Jason: *wheezes uncontrollably*
Damian, over him: LISTEN. you already know i was like, never allowed out of the compound. i didn’t speak to people that weren’t assassins, i didn’t get much alone time, and attachments were very much not encouraged. i was… a little bit behind, on my emotional affection regulation, i guess. i wasn’t allowed to care about any pets or guards because, well, they could die at any time. so, i would get attached to objects instead.
Jason: -yeah, you say that; you did also get attached to the animals and guards around the compound, you just refused to fuckin’ admit it. it was like you thought you’d be punished for smiling at Isla in the kitchens, but screaming bloody murder any time any of us tried to separate you from the fuckin’ snake skull you found and decided was your friend—oh that was ok.
Tim, amused: you made friends with a snake skull?
Damian: your parents are dead and they hated you when you were alive, mind your business.
Dick: *abrupt cackle*
Tim: man, fuck you.
Dick: ok- ok stop, you still haven’t even said what the bet was.
Damian: *sigh* well Jason thought i’d get attached to the clay birds, and that i’d throw a tantrum when they then got shot, so he didn’t want me using the gun in case i got sad. and i told him he was being ridiculous, because he was, and i’d be fine. and we argued back and forth for a while until Jason eventually threw out something like ‘you’re so fucking sensitive to this shit, it’s a wonder you even eat chicken.’
Tim: stop laughing.
Jason, high pitched: m- trying,
Damian: and i think at this point i must have been like, seven. so i’m instantly like, ‘what are you talking about, chicken is great, you’re an idiot’. and Jason goes ‘yeah, chicken is great until you’re the one killing and preparing the bird, and that’s what this basically is you know, we’re shooting fake birds.’ and i’m a little rebel, right? so i get in his face and i’m like ‘i could do that easily, you’re just a coward.’
Dick: oooh~
Damian: yeah- by the way? *amused* i’m seven and he’s fresh out the pit. ‘in his face’ is him sitting on the floor cross-legged so i can reach him.
Dick and Tim: *wheeze*
Damian: yeah. and he goes ‘ok then, how about when you do get sad that the target is dead, you aren’t ever allowed to eat chicken again.’ and then he adds on ‘even better, you’re never allowed to eat meat again’. and i’m like, you’re on. and i take the rifle.
Jason: *barely audible snickers, clearly muffled*
Dick: see- i know you said about the ‘Damian didn’t know it, so clearly Jason wrote it and it’s a lie thing’, but i dunno if Jay would laugh this hard if it was a made up story,
Tim: are you kidding me? Jason thinks Damian’s the funniest motherfucker on the planet, he’ll laugh at anything Damian says, it’s honestly annoying. plus, if you think this is true then you’re saying you believe that the only reason Damian does not and will not EVER eat meat, is just because he said he wouldn’t get sad when a clay bird broke, and then got sad anyway.
Dick: …he has a point. like i know how good an actor Day is, there’s no way you couldn’t have just pretended not to be sad.
Damian: well- *snort* well hold on now, because i never said that’s what happened.
Jason: *weeps*
Damian: …i should probably specify that this wasn’t Jason’s fault. he didn’t know that it would happen, so he didn’t like- he didn’t set it up.
Dick: wait, what happened?
Damian: i had the rifle, and i aimed it up so one of Jason’s men could throw the clay bird and i could shoot it, right? except what we didn’t realise, was that one of the other locals bred and raised doves as a hobby,
Dick, gasping: no,
Damian: and one of them happened to get free,
Jason: *muffled choking noise*
Damian: so little seven year old me expected to shoot a piece of rock with no further consequences, hit a bullseye, and was suddenly engulfed in an explosion of blood, bird organs, and feathers. and the dove died in front of me.
Dick, in awe: oh my god???
Jason: *starts wheezing louder*
Damian, also holding back laughter: and so- and so- Jason fuck off, *laugh* and so i started crying, throwing up, just losing it—Jason had to take like forty-five minutes to calm me down and wipe the blood off my face, he had to pay for the dove,
Dick, incredulous: he had to pay for the dove-!
Damian: he took me back to the compound while i was clinging to his neck, and i just refused to be let down all day. Mother was furious with him, and i remember all of Jason’s subordinates taking turns trying to cheer me up while i was like, clinging to Jason’s chest.
Dick: oh my god,
Damian: yeah, and then after all that i sat down to dinner, still a little shaken, and we had boiled chicken. and i still remember reaching out my like, trembling hand to grab my fork—and Jason just slides the plate away, looks me dead in the eyes, and he goes ‘not for you, we had a deal.’ and-
Dick and Jason: *instantly lose it*
*loud, echoing cackles*
Damian, barely audible over them: -AND EVER SINCE THEN, I HAVE BEEN HONOUR BOUND.
Dick: THAT’S SO- *cough* THAT’S SO MEAN,
Jason: *noiseless wheezing*
Tim, flat: and again, it’s a nice story. creative, sure, but it is a lie.
*hands slapping against concrete*
Damian: Jason- shut up,
Jason: *high-pitched laughter-*
Dick: well- *cough* wait, hold on, Tim, Tim, because- *wheeze*
Tim: what.
Dick: it’s just- listen, i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but… do you remember like, a while ago, where we were talking about Damian not having friends growing up? and Jason was telling us about his closest subordinates? *pause* ……didn’t he mention that Damian shot a dove?
*silence*
Jason: *breathless gasps for air*
Dick: ‘cause that wasn’t part of the game, so there’s no reason for him to have lied. if this is- if this is that incident…. then what are the chances of it being true?
Damian: *snort* uh, i’m gonna need a yay or a nay from you both now.
*silence*
Dick: Tim?
*more silence*
Dick, amused: Tim, do you smell toast?
Tim, very quietly: don’t wanna play the stupid game anymore.
conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 58 (masterpost here)
Bruce: ok, when their meeting is over me and Robin will tail the leader. Red Robin i want you to go contact Nightwing and Red Hood; they're working together in the Bowery and if they're available i want them to come join us for this.
Tim: *whining* aw, come on B, make Robin go and talk to them, not me! those two are so annoying when they've been together alone for a while.
Damian: don't argue with Batman, Red. shame on you.
Tim: *pointed squeak of indignance* -see! he knows they'll be up to some bullshit and he doesn't want to deal with it! why do i?!
Bruce: Red, i understand you get impatient sometimes but Hood and Nightwing are professionals with more experience than you. i'm sure they're hard at work right now, i just need you to switch lines and let them know that if their case wraps up early then we could do with extra hands over here.
Tim: hard at work- B when those two dipshits are left alone together to figure something out, their method of 'working' is to fuck around and hope it all comes together in the end. it's like they cancel out each other's brain cells.
Bruce, admonishing: they are perfectly competent, Red. when was the last time either Nightwing or Red Hood failed at a case?
Tim: JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE A HIGH SUCCESS RATE DOESN'T MEAN THEY AREN'T IDIOTS?!
*a beat*
Damian: yeah good job Red, try yelling louder i think some of the guards on the other side of the building didn't hear you.
Bruce: *frustrated sigh* just start tailing that car, Red. me and Robin are going after the leader. and speak to Hood and Nightwing, i promise you it will be fine.
Tim: *disbelieving huff of laughter* oh do you?! ok fuck this i will bet you anything that if we switch to their line right now it will be complete bullshit. anything--i'll bet fucking Drake Manor on it.
Bruce: Red, don't be ridiculous.
Tim: no! no, let's do this, i'll put my ancestral home on the line. and when i win, i want a month of paid vacation from WE, and i want you to have to come up with an excuse as to why you granted it to the board. are you that confident in your kids, Batman?
*a pause*
Bruce: we don't have time for-
Tim: HA.
Bruce: -ok you know what? fine, Red, fine. don't be all pouty for the rest of the night when you're wrong, though.
Tim: *smug hum*
Damian: *suffering sigh*
Bruce: Oracle, can you merge our line with the one Hood and Nightwing are using?
*another pause*
*two pings*
*loud instant wheezing*
Dick: -THIS IS A GENUINE ISSUE, JASON,
Jason: *wet, high-pitched cackles* WHY- WHY DID YOU-
Dick: YOU FUCKING PUSHED ME.
Jason: I- *wheeze* *weak* i didn't,
Dick, completely distraught: YOU DID. IT'S ALL OVER MY HANDS AND I CAN'T- dude i'm so- *huffing laugh* i can't- i'm so uncomfortable, you gotta- *wheeze*
Jason: *still struggling to breathe* I GOTTA-?!
Dick, wetly: *giggles* Jason i'm so- i'm so uncomfortable. i can't adjust my suit with this shit all over my hands and it's not coming off!
Jason: *sniff* you're so lucky it's not acidic- *abrupt cackle* -STOP TRYING TO WALK AROUND, IT WON'T HELP!
Dick: i need the- the fabric won't move,
Jason: what, are you trying to fuckin' dance? you aren't gonna fix it by squatting. can't you just take off the gloves?
Dick: *in a devastated wail* NO BECAUSE THIS STUPID GOOP HAS FUSED THE LINING TO THE REST OF THE FUCKING SUIT, JASON HELP ME. i'm serious- i can't, Jay i can't- this is the most uncomfortable i've ever been. you have to help. you have to be my hands.
Jason: I HAVE TO- *loud wheeze*
Dick, shaky: you have to- *snort* you need to do this for me,
Jason: *still crying*
Dick: Jason,
Jason, barely comprehensible from laughing: you want me to pull out your wedgy?
Dick: IT'S- IT'S GOING FURTHER UP,
Jason: *loses his complete shit*
Dick: JUST- JUST- *also loses his complete shit*
*nothing but constant breathless laughter*
Bruce: ok, Oracle take us out.
Dick: WAIT, BRU-?!
*two disconnecting pings*
*intense silence*
*more silence*
Tim: tell the board i'll see them next month. regards.
Bruce, despondent: just follow the fucking car, Red.
conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 56 (masterpost here)
Tim: investigating the sex crime rings is the worst, but you gotta admit it does open your eyes to how... wide, the range of people's specific tastes are.
Damian: ok i'm not touching that box. that's clearly a box of uncleaned sex toys; im a minor, that's all you Nightwing.
Dick: *disgusted* mmmmm..... *whining* i'm gonna get a disease,
Tim: you're literally wearing gloves; we need to take some stuff back for DNA tracking.
Dick: well that's easy for you to say, you don't have to look through the used stuff!
Tim, unsympathetic: -listen i wanted to raid this place yesterday, before the orgy. you made us wait, you can deal with the consequences.
Damian: what are you looking at Red?
Tim: come see.
*a beat*
Damian: *snort* holy fuck, how many different ones are there?
Tim: that's what i mean, like who decides to manufacture this?!
Dick: *sounding slightly ill* what are you two looking at? i don't want Robin too deeply involved in this case, guys, he's just supposed to be lookout.
Damian: Red found the lube stash. we're seeing how many different flavours there are.
Tim: i feel like if banging isn't that satisfying for you on its own, then the problem is probably something way different than the flavour. i don't think these would help.
Damian: honestly if i was sucking dick and i tasted blueberries it would probably take me out of the mood, just from pure confusion.
Dick, aghast: ROBIN. i don't wanna hear you talking about that kind of thing?!
Damian: i'm almost fifteen, Nightwing.
Tim: *abrupt laugh* ok, you turned fourteen like two months ago-,
Dick: EITHER WAY TOO YOUNG.
Damian: *snicker*
*dull clattering*
Tim: HOLD ON, EVERYBODY SHUT UP. ok i found the winner. ladies and gentlemen, bakewell tart flavoured lube.
Damian: *cackles* no way,
Dick: guys, stop messing around. we don't know when they'll come back.
Tim: my thing about flavoured lube is that, like; somebody at the factory has to check the flavour is right before they roll it out to the public, right? so do you think- *snicker* do you- somewhere out there, there is a guy whose job is literally, 'eat lube'.
Damian, holding back laughter: ah, my dream job.
Tim: *cackle*
Damian: do you think it's accurate?
Tim, pointed: ...i dunno..,
*three seconds of silence*
Dick, wary: what are you guys doing over there?
Tim: i mean... it's still sealed and unopened, nobody's touched this one.
Damian: i will give you five dollars.
Tim: five dollars is not worth eating strange foraged lube from a crate in a warehouse, Robin.
Damian: ten.
*a beat*
Tim: yeah ok.
*faint uncapping noise*
Dick: woah hey hold on- OI- PUT THAT DOWN- YOUR DAD IS A BILLIONAIRE WHATDOYOUNEEDTENDOLLARSFOR-
conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 55 (masterpost here)
Jason: -like seven minutes out, but it's really quiet so i don't think it would be worth teaming for.
Dick: copy, i'm almost done over here anyway, then me and Robin are going back to the cave.
Tim: so. did Hood tell you guys that he's at war with all the middle-aged moms in his neighbourhood?
Jason: -oh don't get me started.
Dick, snickering: the 'middle-aged moms'? are you fighting a bunch of Karens from the home owners association?
Jason: oh i got banned from the hoa like, a year ago. which is really ironic because they like Red Hood. they just don't like me.
Damian: are these the women who insulted your skincare that you told me about? said you needed to moisturize more?
Jason, intently: -Damian let me tell you i fucking hate these women. i hate them.
Tim: *evil cackling*
Dick: what's even happening? since when do you have bad neighbours?
Jason: oh my- i didn't even do anything, they just hate me for no reason.
Tim: dude, you dislocated a kid's shoulder.
Dick: wait, what?
Jason: NOW HOLD ON-
Damian: yeah be fair Red, that wasn't Hood's fault.
Tim, laughing: yeah but it's still funny.
Dick: wait wait wait- hold on now, hold on- somebody tell me the whole story, i need to hear this.
Damian: one of the spoilt brats in the building across from Hood's tried to break in to steal alcohol, and he dislocated his shoulder in one of the traps set up.
Jason: i fuckin- that kid was lucky. if he'd tried the other window he would have been shot with a dart to the face, so i don't wanna hear it. i came home from the library and the little twerp was sobbing on the floor of my bathroom as if he was the victim, and then i had to fix him up!
Dick: oof. ...to be fair you do have a lot of traps in your apartment Hood. like, more than i do.
Jason: -because the kid likes them! he likes trying to break through them when he comes round, it's our thing!
Damian: and that shit-stain of a preteen ruined the set up for me! i came by like an hour later and it hadn't been reset. waste of a B&E run.
Jason: yeah, because i was over the road getting yelled at by fucking Caroline, who apparently thinks her son has right of way in other people's private property.
Dick: *laugh* she got mad at you?
Jason: YEAH- she was like, 'i'll sue you for assaulting my son' and i'm fucking looking at her like, bring it the fuck on, bitch, i have access to Bruce Wayne's lawyers! lets see who wins! and then she- and then holy fuck D, you aren't gonna believe this but i swear to god she said this word for word,
Tim: *wheeze*
Jason: she fucking goes- 'that Red Hood man does not spend his every spare second protecting our streets and their people just for people like you to move in and provide danger for our children.'
Dick: WHAT.
Jason: YEAH- YEAH EXACTLY, THAT'S WHAT I WAS LIKE-! guys you have no idea the self control i had to have to not go back later with the helmet on like 'yo i hear you messing with my boy Jason, the fuck is wrong with you?'
Tim: *louder cackling* PLEASE- please, Hood please do that,
Dick: so what happened after?!
Jason: ugh, this bitch starts lying to all the other moms in the neighbourhood about how i attacked her kid in the street and how he did nothing wrong and i was just an egotistical prick who didn't like when children played outside- mind you i have fucking security footage of what actually happened,
Dick: oh so you're- you're literally in an all out war with them?
Jason: SOME of them; there are a couple moms whose kids i've actually babysat and who know me and that, those ones aren't taking Caroline and her posse's shit, so now me and my girls are in a turf war with these other bitches-
Tim: i've seen- *cackle* Wing, you gotta start going around Crime Alley during the day more. i went to a pottery class with Hood last week over there and afterwards we ran into one of the woman that has beef with him; they are feral.
Jason: WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PUBLIC GROCERY STORE. I WAS TRYING TO BUY ONIONS. PEACEFULLY. and this bitch comes up to me throwing shade like 'oh you should really move out because we don't take aggressiveness lightly' and i'm like ME?!?!? IN THIS SITUATION, ME AGRESSIVE??
Tim: *wheeze*
Dick, audibly amused: i mean you do carry guns around, that isn't exactly non-agressive,
Jason: BUT THAT'S WHAT DRIVES ME CRAZY, IS THAT THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT THE GUNS. THAT'S NOT WHAT BOTHERS THEM! fucking- half the women that want me gone are carrying, and they all love Red Hood, but this woman was talking to me like 'it's obvious from the build of your body that you want to be intimidating; nobody works out like that unless you want the power',
Dick: *blows raspberry, dissolving into a loud cackle*
Jason: and i'm fucking standing there; coupon book out, sunscreen across the bridge of my nose, Tim next to me in a Hawaiian shirt holding the bag of pottery mugs we just made and painted together, staring at these onion prices; and i'm just like 'ok well first of all me being this jacked was a non-consensual operation and i don't appreciate you bringing up past trauma, Cindy.',
Dick: HOLY FUCK- *louder cackling*
Jason: -and now Cindy's telling me that people as strong as me don't go through trauma like that and that i'm making fun of real victims by implying such a thing-
Damian: this is insane,
Jason: -AT WHICH POINT TIM DECIDES IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO WHIP OFF HIS GLASSES AND SAY 'you know you keep coming back to how built my brother is; if you want to suck his dick you can just say that',
Dick: *uncontrollable wheezes* T-HIM-,
Tim: I REGRET- *cackle* I REGRET NOTHING.
Jason: -and now this bitch is threatening to call the police for sexual harassment, to which some random other woman who wasn't even INVOLVED in the conversation butts in, and she goes 'you know i've been listening to this conversation for the past five minutes, and i gotta say lady, you don't seem like the kind of person anybody wants to sexually harass',
Dick: *in awe* OH-?!
Damian: HOLY FUCK.
Jason: YEAH- YEAH. AND SO NOW I'M FUCKING STANDING THERE AS CINDY STARTS GETTING INTO A FIGHT WITH THIS RANDOM STRANGER, AND I'M JUST HOLDING MY FUCKING ONIONS, SIDE-EYEING TIM JUST 'so do you think we can leave?' BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THIS NO LONGER INVOLVES ME-,
Tim: -can i just say by the way? hands down, best day of my week.
Jason: yeah also i think Cindy's started an anti-me Facebook group. so.
*a beat*
Dick: ok but on a scale of 1 to 10 how funny would it be if we joined the group with the old official public Batman account?
conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 41 (masterpost here)
*fighting noises, grunts and the shwing of metal*
Tim: so me and Robin cleared out our section; want us to head over to you two?
Dick: *harsh impact* *slight chuckle* uh, i don't think this'll take us too long, you guys are good to wait.
Bruce: they're not overly prepared for an attack, that's for sure.
Dick: man, you know you're shit when Batman starts taking the mick mid-fight, *gunshot* oi-!
Damian: so we're just waiting?
Dick: yeah, take a break, Triple-R!
Damian, mumbling: stupid fucking nickname.
Tim: yeah shut up Dick,
Bruce, tired: just because it aligns with an insult doesn't mean you can disregard the no-name rule with Nightwing.
Tim: *snort*
Dick: B, sniper on the balcony- *gunshot* ok never mind he's a shit shot you're good.
Damian: Red, we can do the thing.
Tim: oh- holy fuck you're right,
Damian: you- *already sounding amused* you first.
Tim: ok well don't laugh yet, i haven't even... *trails off*
*fabric shuffling*
Dick, slightly breathless: wait, what are you two doing?
Tim: shut up, we're playing a game. you said take a break.
*thud* *hiss of sympathy*
Bruce: boys, please, we can't keep playing games on patrol-,
Dick: -yeah B might cry.
Bruce: i will not- i'm not going to cry??? just-
Dick: 'sounds close to tears. what are you playing?
Bruce, hissing: Nightwing,
Dick, innocently: hm?
Tim: ok, i'm ready. turn around.
*a beat of silence*
Damian, sounding slightly confused: *garbled, muffled by water* mf 'us a 'ox. wh- *abrupt choke*
Tim: yeah so this is- *snicker* this is my whole thing, this is what i uh, brought...
Damian: *sharp nose exhale*
Tim: he doesn't know i have it.
Damian: *water splatter* *cough*
Tim: HA! YOU LAUGHED!
Damian: *coughing* i did- not laugh, there's a difference.
Tim, incredulous: i HEARD you!
Damian: no no, i spat out my water. there's nothing against that in the rules.
Tim: that's the whole point,
Damian: i didn't laugh, i coughed.
Tim: oh- *indignant* bullshit, you laughed you liar.
Dick: the hell are you two doing? Red??
Tim: it's just a stupid game we thought might be fun where we both sneak the most obscure items we can onto patrol. if you laugh you lose, which you did-
Damian: i'm not gonna laugh at the kettle Pennyworth got imported from London, Drake. don't be a sore loser.
Dick: you brought- how the fuck did you keep that hidden?
Tim: shut up Damian. just do yours, you won't beat me.
Damian, apathetic: uh-huh. drink then, coward.
Dick: well now i kinda wanna know what Robin has...
Bruce, teeth gritted: Nightwing, please focus.
*silence*
Damian: open your eyes.
Tim: *instant water spitting* *choking*
Damian: you fucking- you spat on me you ass,
Tim: *high-pitched* what the- WHAT THE FUCK- *delirious shocked laughter*
Damian: fucking- 'm all wet now,
Tim: *still laughing* holy mother of hell,
Damian: i win, bitch.
Tim: I'M GOING TO- *incredulous* ROBIN!?
Damian: yeah... um. but then i also didn't want to play favourites, so...
*fabric shuffling*
Tim: OH MY- *instant wheeze*
Dick: ok seriously what is going on over there? Red sounds like he's going through anaphylactic shock.
Tim: *audibly struggling to breath*
Damian, calmly: no it's fine.
Tim, through tears: how did you- how did you even decide this was an option...?!
Damian: i play to win.
*distant thomp of boots on concrete*
Jason, distant, through Tim and Damian's coms: hey kiddies, am i late to the party?
Jason, voice dropping three octaves: ok what the fuck is that.
Tim, panting: read the- *wheeze* read the engraving,
Jason: oh. my. god.
Jason: DAMIAN. DAMI- HOLY- *chokes* oh my- WHY DID YOU-
*ping*
Jason, clearer: Bruce come get your son, Bruce come- *wheezes* *through cackles* COME AND GET YOUR SON,
conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt. 34 (masterpost here)
*gunshot*
Jason: oooooh right down the ear canal. *ace ventura accent* like a glove~!
Dick: *laugh* you're lucky B isn't here tonight.
Tim: the guy was a rapist, i don't feel too bad.
Jason: YEAHHHH, REPLACEMENT TURNS TO THE DARK SIDE! oh shit- *grunt* whoooo, that was close.
Dick: shit, i saw that flip from three roofs over, nice one.
Jason: what can i say, wing? pilates.
Tim: *laughs*
Dick: oooooh~ how sexy.
Tim, snorting: jesus-
Jason, amused: save it for ya waynecest fanfiction goldie,
Dick: *loud cackles*
Damian: for his WHAT.
Tim, weeping: oh g- oh god, it all comes out-!
Dick: DON'T EXPOSE ME HOOD! WHAT I FANTASIZE ABOUT IN THE SAFETY OF MY OWN HOME IS MY BUSINESS.
Jason: *bursts out laughing*
*metal shwing*
Damian: ok that's the last of them on our side. the fuck is waynecest?
Jason: oh didn't you know, kiddo? the public wants all the Wayne boys to fuck.
Dick: YEAHHHHHHH!!!
Tim: ok- *snorts* Robin, Red Hood, can i come over to your rooftop? i dont like Nightwing's energy right now.
Jason: no stay over there. you're the sacrifice.
Tim: *whining* nooooo-
Dick: it's fine Red, you're underage. we filter you out.
Tim: -sorry? SORRY? FILTER ME OUT OF WHAT?
Jason: *cackles* it was- *wheeze* it was one time,
Dick: we were high, to be fair. completely off our faces.
Jason: yeah, fun trip but never again.
Damian: do not fucking tell me you googled that- *disappointed* god, Akhi-
Jason, laughing deliriously: it was his idea-!
Dick: don't you point at me from three rooftops away! you were also there, asshole. you're just mad everybody makes me the jaydick top!
Tim: GOD you remember the SHIP NAME!?
Dick: *cackles*
Jason: well im sorry- sorry, but there's no fucking way i would be the bottom! that's bad writing!
Dick: it's amazing writing, you just don't pay attention. i'm the circus acrobat with good hip flexibility and core strength. you're the guy who's used to taking it up the ass from your troubled past on the streets!
Damian, horrified and resigned: oh my god,
Jason: don't you- *bursts into a wheeze* don't you fucking- i can SEE you gyrating over there,
Dick: you see my form? this is TOP form, Hood.
Tim: i am begging you two, let me come over to your rooftop. i don't like it here.
Jason: *cackles*
Damian, dry: i'm calling childline, this is an unsafe environment.
Dick: you just stabbed like eight people,
Damian, without hesitation: and you'll be the ninth.
conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 20 (masterpost here)
Dick: i was- see that's the thing, i was an absolute asshole to you,
Jason: oh you were.
Tim: and that's what i don't understand! like, Wing you fucking ooze big brotherlyness.
Dick: -aw,
Jason: ew?
Tim: -the fuck did you end up like this when every story Hood tells us about your relationship before ethiopia is absolutely fucking insane.
Dick: *laughs* you know i was worse, too- because i had absolutely no place holding the amount of beef with you as i did,
Jason: the Shit You Used To Say-
Dick: *claps in delight* the shit i used to say! dude- Hood, i was fucking out of pocket,
Jason: i was twelve.
Dick: you were- *abrupt wheeze, breathy giggles* you were twelve!
Tim: he can't have been that bad, i mean it's still Wing we're talking about. he's won the Gotham vigilante awards for biggest cinnamon role five years running.
Dick: *laughing* no- to be fair, i was HORRIBLE back when Hood was a kid. the only reason i learned my lesson is because he took the phrase 'traumatise them back' as a challenge.
Jason: *wheeze* yeah, we talk- we talk a LOT about the shit you used to pull, but we don't talk enough about how much i made you regret that shit real quick,
Damian: what on earth could you have possibly done?
Dick: i remember-
Jason: *gasping wheeze*
Dick, amused: shut up! i remember i had to take him out for coffee once and as we were walking down the street there was this old fat guy who kinda stopped in front of us and Hood froze, and the guy kept going and i looked at Hood and i went-, i- *laughter* i said, 'what, was that one of the guys you used to suck off for money back on the streets?'
Tim: *gasp* NO
Jason: *wheeze* wait-
Dick: *cackle of laughter* no wait- you don't-
Jason: *high-pitched weeps*
Dick: -so Hood looks at me and just goes *abrupt serious voice* 'yeah.' *even louder wheeze*
Jason: i'm crying-
Tim: OH MY GOD??
Damian, mystified: you said that to a child?
Dick: I FUCKING- I SWEAR TO GOD HE GOES 'yeah' MY HEART DROPS,
Jason:, weakly: yeah,
Dick: I WAS LIKE 'oh my fucking god he actually was a child prosititute. the first Robin just made fun of a rape victim i have to die immediately.'
Jason: *still laughing*
Damian, confused: but Hood- i remember you telling me about the time you lived on the streets. you would have told me if you'd ever had to sell yourself.
Tim: why would he tell you?
Damian, insant: because unlike you, Red, my brothers actually like me- anyway, Hood, you weren't a prostitute.
Jason: *coughing* i know i just- i said it on instinct to freak him out. fuckin' worked, too, you should have seen the size of the ice cream he bought me as an apology.
Dick: *delirious giggling* yeah man, i- fuck, you think i'm a good brother now? that shit only developed because Hood spent his early teenage years doing the brotherhood equivalent of psychologically squirting a misbehaving puppy with a squirt-gun.
Tim: why were you- why- why were you like that?!
Jason: dude- he wen't from the circus to new-parent Batman, at what point did you think anybody taught him how to act???
Tim, holding back laughter: i- ok point.
Damian: i would have thought Alfred would do something.
Jason: last week Alfred shot a squirrel through the kitchen window.
Dick: *bursts out laughing*
Damian: HE SHOT A SQUIRREL?
Tim: *starting to laugh* aw fuck- you sent Robin after him Hood, we're all fucked,
Damian: WHY WOULD HE SHOOT A SQUIRREL?!
Dick, choking: squirrel told him he couldn't have guns in the house.
Jason: *painful wheeze*
Tim: *gasping laughter* s-squirrel told him that guns killed his parents,
Dick: *high pitched* -oh my god im in pain-
Jason: he told squirrel that a man killed his parents, not a gun, but squirrel wasn't having it.
conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 17 (masterpost here)
Dick: *muffled snickers* there's no- Jason. there's no way.
Jason: *shuffles, the scrape of boots against stone* no hold on i can- i swear to god.
Dick, incredibly amused: *giggling* you cannot do this to me,
Tim: the hell are you two doing over there?
Dick: Jason's trying on the Nightwing suit-, yOU'RE GONNA TEAR THE ELBOW STOP WAIT-
Jason: ok if the fabric tears because of this then you really shouldn't be wearing it in knife fights. *strained* i got it... i just need to-
Tim: why the fuck are you- aren't you guys in public!?
Dick, absently, still amused: nah, enclosed rooftop hidden by an AC vent.
Tim: ....wait what the fuck are YOU wearing while he tries it on?
Dick: nothing and it's about to rain so hurry the fuck up Jason, i'm cold.
Tim: oh my god send me your location i'm on my way-
Jason: how the fuck do you not feel completely on show with this skin-tight shit- look how big my calves look in this thing!
Tim: i'm like one minute away from you guys hold on. Dick why don't you try on the Red Hood outfit?
Dick: when Jason took it off to try on my suit he accidentially dropped it off the edge of the roof and we can't be bothered to go get it.
Tim: ok i'm here- holy fucking shit. Jason how are you wearing that.
Jason, very strained: i like. cannot breath very well. look at my ass in this though it's like, almost bursting through the fabric- Tim do not fucking poke my ass i swear to god-
Tim, in awe: the tensile strength is struggling, dude. do you think it would break if you tried to do a flip or fighting move?
Dick: if we stick around long enough for somebody to need our help we'll find out. i'm honestly a little offended-
*two pings*
Dick: -like, am i petite? i thought i was well formed but now i feel small.
Bruce: Robin and i are en-route to your three's location, we need a group rendezvous. we have discovered information pertaining to last night's case.
Dick, casually: B, is Jason's ass bigger than mine?
Bruce, stumbling slightly: what?
Jason: oh my ass is definitely bigger than yours, it fills this suit out so much more than you do.
Dick, whining: but everybody in Gotham says Nightwing has the best ass of the bats!
Tim, absently: best doesn't always mean bigger,
Jason: yeah you would say that- stop POKING it- THIS IS SEXUAL ASSAULT YOU ASSHOLE.
Bruce: what on earth are you boys doing? we're almost at your location.
Tim: try striking a sexy pose. yeah- exactly like that. god i wish i had my camera right now, this could be sold for so much money,
Dick, distraught: you can't be sexier than me! Jason- Jason fucking stop it. cover your face up again- Tim go get his helmet-
Tim: we could make this a horny calendar.
Damian: father may i leave the call? i don't like these people.
Bruce, sighing: whatever you're all doing needs to stop now anyway, we're almost at your- what the fuck.
Dick: oh. hey. how has your guys' night been?
Damian: i've changed my mind, this is great. Todd you look like your head is about to explode.
Jason: i actually think my blood circulation stopped like three minutes ago. Tim if you poke my ass ONE MORE TIME-
Bruce, aghast: what on earth would posses you to- in public-?! Nightwing, put your clothes back on, and Red Hood- where are your clothes?
Dick: think of it as temperature training. do you know how cold my nipples are right now?
Jason: my ass is definitely bigger than yours, Dick.
Dick: bECAUSE OF THE FUCKING LAZARUS PIT- YOU BASICALLY GOT ASS ENLARGEMENT SURGERY FROM RA'S.
Damian: you sound jealous, Richard.
Dick: WHY WOULD I- take off my fucking suit Jason you're gonna break it.
Bruce, still horrified: what if a civillian saw you!??! your identities could be-
Tim: who cares about identities? they're gonna think they caught Red Hood and Nightwing in a sex romp. people will think Jay and Dick are fucking, that's what needs to be focused on here.
Jason: like Dickie bird could land somebody with this kind of ass,
Dick: -FUCK YOU-!
Bruce, gritted: put. on. some. clothes.
Jason: jesus. fine, prude. Day, go get my suit so i can take this thing off- TIM I CAN FUCKING SEE YOU BEHIND ME DO NOT.
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