you are draped across my lap like you belong there: you do not. i allow this, and i’m not sure why. my heart flutters in contempt. i used to hate you. i still hate you. i regret not driving my knife through your chest the first chance i got. you say something, and i laugh, and i hope it wasn’t a joke. i hope i am not laughing with you. i wish that i killed you. i consider this for a moment, and decide that i did. you look up at me, eyes soft and warm as a blanket from the dryer. i feel something in my chest loosen, and i hope it is something fatal. years, months, days, hours ago, you looked at me with utter contempt. i decide that i killed that part of you. i killed the man who hated me and watched him choke. i close my eyes and imagine we are in a forest. you are draped across my lap, blood gurgling from your mouth. you belong there. your eyes are dark, still. they are hurt, betrayed, and afraid, and it is a permanent look that i should relish. your blood stains my hands. i pretend the nausea curdling in my gut is because i regret not making it a reality. i open my eyes and see you struggling to keep your eyes open. you yawn. i tell you to rest. you make a quip about me stabbing you in your sleep. i find myself laughing quietly, ignoring how my chest clenches at the thought. i say, “i wouldn’t do anything if you couldn’t fight back”, and after you make a reference to some alien movie i’ve never watched, that seems to be enough for you. you sleep. peaceful like the dead. your chest rises and falls. i decide that you are a permanently helpless creature who cannot defend itself, so in turn, i cannot hurt it.
enemies to lovers— by me!! gayferret420
