trigger warning: dissociation, lots of crying lmao, brief negative thoughts.
there’s a lot buzzing around in her head when she makes it home after evaluation review. it’s-- it’s a lot to take in. she’s passed, she’s made it; she’s going to debut. after years of work, after these past few months of working herself down to her bones, she’s finally made it.
well, not made it. but she’s claimed as official, and the rest of the girls too; they’re a group of seven-- and she’s the leader. she’s main vocal and the leader and it’s never felt so incredible. never felt so exciting; never felt so draining.
her feet drag as she pulls herself into her apartment, tosses her bag to the ground as she closes and locks the door behind her. her back presses against it, slumped as she stares, unfocused at her feet. she’s numb, she’s not; she’s excited, she’s terrified. there’s so much going on, there’s so much to take in, so much to focus on.
there’s the muffled sound of the television from the sitting room, and noel’s voice echoing a greeting that she doesn’t quite hear. she breathes out through her nose, the action harsh as she wraps her arms around herself. she’s shaking, she’s trembling; her heart is beating a mile a minute. she’s going to debut, she’s going to debut; she’s in the official lineup for a debut, once again.
“nessie?”
she blinks, slow. her head lifts and her gaze focuses in on noel, peeking his head around the couch cushions to peer at her. she watches the expression on his face shift and change, watches the panicked motions of him getting off the recliner and stumbling towards her. his hands are extended, and she’s confused; his eyes are wide. she can’t bring herself to speak, a lump in her throat, a pressure on her chest. but noel does it for her, his worry and concern clear in his voice. “hey, hey, what’s wrong?”
what’s wrong? there’s nothing wrong. she’s ecstatic, and maybe she’s scared. but she’s going to debut. there’s not a single damn thing wrong-- but noel moves, and he’s frowning, tapping at his own cheeks for a gesture.
when vanessa follows the motion, her cheeks are wet, and there’s the strangled sound of her breathing; shallow and quick, small little sobs that were muted to her own ears. her hands are shaking because she’s crying. she’s crying because she’s so happy and she’s tired and she’s been thinking she’d never make it this far. she can only be confident for so long before she starts to doubt herself.
noel’s a stronghold when he hugs her. he’s grown taller, the little brat, and she feels small and fragile when he hugs her. her fingers are gripping too tight on his shirt, a shuddering breath leaving her. a smile curves on her mouth, her body trembling and noel’s panic is clear in his voice. “no, wait-- hey, stop crying, noona! nessa, it’s okay. it’s okay. did something happen at training? did you get into a fight again? did they say something that--”
“noel.” her voice is low. it’s choked, clogged and it doesn’t sound like her. “noel, i’m so happy. i’m-- i’m so happy.” and then her breath is shuddering, and she’s full on crying. scrunched eyes and shaking fingers and strangled sobs that have been waiting months to see the light of day. and noel just lets her, quiet and pensive as he lets her release all the emotions she’s been holding back; every big of negative emotion released through tears that’s been causing her to suffocate.
it’s the first step of many more; but at least she’s made it this far.
there’s a lot to be considered this evaluation. there’s a lot of work, a lot of things to be done. there’s a lot of things to think about, to adjust around; jinsoul’s leaving, sana’s coming-- the feedback, the performances, the lingering in the air, the cliff-hanger hayoon had left them on. there’s so much to think about and it’s overwhelming at times.
vanessa chews on her lower lip idly, studying yubin across the room as she fixes the strings on her shoes. tongue poking against the inside of her cheek, she shifts uncomfortably-- before shaking her head and letting out a small sigh as she pushes herself to her feet. a concerned expression is tugging at her features, but she tries to keep herself neutral. she knows yubin has been fretting extra hard over sohee since her sickness, to the point where she had extracted her from practice for a brief moment. it was a sweet gesture, but vanessa’s wondering if yubin’s been focusing on her own well-being instead of everyone elses. as the oldest, she’s always been around, bouncing from person to person and giving advice as one of the longer trainees. she’s been working above and beyond, and vanessa just wants to extend some of that to the other as well.
“hey, unnie.” vanessa calls, a small smile on her face. crouching down by the other, she tilts her head to the side. “how are you-- handling everything? with sana, jinsoul...sohee being sick. i know some of the other girls are taking it pretty badly but-- how are you doing?”
everything feels a bit less hectic after the concert. it’s still busy-- trc/g will always be busy she’s sure, with how everything is going thus far, but it’s still nice that things are going somewhat back to schedule. or at least, a schedule that vanessa is used to. jeju was a nice change of pace and the concert was great and gave her a taste of what she feels like is so, so close but she’s happy to be back and focusing on improving everyday.
but there’s something wrong.
sohee’s been acting off since a little after the concert. her expression always pinched and eyes watery. her attention on her phone usually and her general demeanor just...weird. concerning, almost; sohee and vanessa have been awkward the past month or two, but she still knows the other well enough to know that something’s up.
“sohee,” she calls out once practices let out. her tongue pokes against the inside of her cheek as she hesitates-- before shaking her head. gathering up her courage, she approaches the other and gives the other a small smile. she rubs the side of her neck, glancing away and around them before settling back on the girl. “tell me what’s up?” she gets straight to the point; because lately it looks like sohee is going to cry and that hurts vanessa a lot more than she’d like. “you haven’t been...yourself, lately. did something happen?”
the days after the evaluation results have been stated, and the first members of the trc/g that are now official have been introduced, vanessa feels the pressure. it’s suffocating, worrisome; that she’s one of four that are still to be decided on. it’s nerve-wracking, to say the least, but vanessa knows all she can do at this point is work, work, and work until they see improvement.
hayoon tells her not to skip her excersizes, and showcases a very strong emphasis on criticising her flexibility. so that’s what she decides to work on. every morning during stretches she does her absolute most-- feeling the strain in her limbs that are probably one of the reasons she struggles with dancing as much as she does. as she’s busying herself to start into another set of them, she pauses, eyes catching one of the other girls near her.
“sejeonggie.” she calls out, shooting a sweet smile at the other. she pats at the ground next to her, legs stretched out in a pre-attempt to start doing more stretches. “d’ya mind holding my leg down a bit so i can stretch my other one out?”
( trc/g january evaluations -- final call.
lee vanessa siyeon performing ... hyolyn’s one way love.
skills showcased -- singing & dancing. )
once the first three official members are given, vanessa knows that it’s time to kick it into gear. it’s time to quit playing around (even though lately, she’s done very little of that), and start getting things in order. she makes sure she focuses on her flexibility as a whole and puts her all into dance practice. it’s all she can do at this point; practice, practice and perfect and perfect until the day of.
and when it comes, vanessa’s vibrating with worry.
the dance isn’t super hard. it’s a bit more difficult than what she’s used to, but it has a couple of movements with legs that strain her already weak flexibility; so practicing it helps a lot with that-- and hopefully by now, she’s a little bit better about it, can showcase it better in the dancing as she gears up for her solo performance. as the song begins, she waits until the male’s voice ends to start her own voice, low and husky as the beginning comes to start.
oh no, no so selfish love,
you’re so selfish boy, yeah
her body moves to the beat, arms and shoulders jerking and popping with the count. she keeps her gaze forward, confident; the last thing she wants to do is seem not confident-- because she needs to believe in herself this time around. she’s worked hard, she’s improved and she’s improving everyday. she needs to show what she’s done this far.
as the song continues, causing her to raise her arms and snap her fingers in time with arm movement. her hips swivel until her leg is moving in beat with her arms. careful, quick and graceful as she can. she snaps her arms into place and holds them out, bouncing in a circle as the dance calls for it. she feels a bit silly as she does, but she keeps her expression schooled the best she can, though there is a small smile playing at the corner of her mouth as she begins to lose herself into the song.
you decide on what we eat
you do whatever you want
when we fight and make up, you do it your way
my thoughts aren’t that important to you.
her arms stretch out with the portion of the song, fingers curling as her knees begin to bend and her body lowers to the ground. her knees hitting the ground as she lifts and falls back, her hands crossed and hitting gently over her shoulders in time with the tune. pulling herself up easily into standing (practiced, practiced, practiced), she moves to step into the next part. leg locked out as her hand lifts, jerky, quick motions with the bounce of her hip. movements turn slow, seductive as she can give.
you only know yourself, you only know yourself
you only know yourself, you only think about you, boy
you only know yourself, you only know yourself
you only know yourself, stop driving me crazy
there’s more hand motions and posing in this part, and she does them as best as she can to the original artist’s style. tries to keep the same sort of energy, the same sort of presence the original carries on through this part. until it begins to move into the spreading leg dance she’s had a hard time the past few weeks perfecting. her thighs still feel the strain as she does it, a spread and then a body pivot before the same motion follows. it’s followed by standing and then bending, body popping as her hand lowers down her leg. arms stretch up as she steps back carefully, voice sweet as it releases from her mouth. another repeat of the spreading of legs in the dance, her head snapping to the side in a hair flip as she does so.
we still don’t know love
you still need to experience it,
you need to be in more pain
we still don’t know how to break up
you’re really a bad boy,
you will regret this
there’s a part during the dance where she spreads her thighs and has to keep them still for a moment; and the strain is there, but not as apparent. muscles beginning to bend to her will before she closes and moves onto the rest of the dance. quick movements followed by a graceful, sensual slide of her hand or twist of her body. her knees hit the ground during parts only to come back up in a smooth transition that vanessa three, four months ago couldn’t even dream of trying to do.
it’s all improvement from here. hard work and improvement.
one way one way, my love, one way
no way no way, stop doing whatever you want
one way one way, my love, one way
no way no way
there’s a lot of pressure on this concert. on this performance-- for her at least, and for the rest of the trc/g girls. especially since trc’s announcement of planning to debut a new girl group-- she knows that there are talks in the air; that eyes are going to be on them. it’s nervewracking to think about.
standing on stage is going to be insane-- in front of so many people. sure, it’s under the label of trainee-- but soon enough it’ll be idol, artist, entertainer and known performer. soon enough it’ll be better than just another face in the practice room. she just has to keep working to get there.
vanessa doesn’t have a center spot as expected, and no highlighted performance and she’s thankful for that. she’s already so focused on trying to not make herself look like utter garbage in such a huge crowd-- she’s thankful that she doesn’t have all that pressure on her shoulders.
it’s a surreal feeling to be on stage with the rest of the trc/g girls-- with the rest of the trainees, both male and female. it’s an insane feeling, something whimsical and magnificent; even if her breath is caught in her throat at times. even if her limbs feel like they’re going to snap under constant pressure and movement and even if she feels like she’s going to faint from nerves.
the break part for trc/g comes and it goes fairly quickly. dancing is still a hard feat for her to do but she knows she’s come farther than ever since the beginning; by this time last year she was stumbling over her feet and struggling to make herself look passable. now she’s just mediocre, maybe even less than that but at least she’s okay. at least she’s improving everyday and more.
her own center part of the song comes and goes-- and she knows just from it she hasn’t left an impression on the crowd. you can only do so much in a matter of seconds, so she focuses on putting all her energy into the last few remaining moments of the special stage.
it’s only the beginning and vanessa is going to work her hardest to show she’s damn well earned the right to the stage.
DECEMBER EVALUATIONS — SOLO PERFORMANCE: don’t say no, chichi’s sui.
skill(s) showcased ... dancing & singing !!
vanessa tells herself not to take the good praise to heart. because there’s been so much awful things said to her, one sweet thing can’t take it away; doesn’t promise there isn’t going to be more negativity being shoved at her. so she takes it in stride and utilizes it; tells herself to find something a bit more difficult. tired limbs be damned, there’s so much to be done this month and she’s nothing if not tenacious and determined.
she starts sifting through a lot of boa’s music before ultimately settling on a member of chichi’s solo stuff. she likes nara’s stuff a lot, but she moves to do sui’s don’t say no instead. she likes the song, the vocals-- the dance isn’t super hard, but it has a bit more difficult moves than the previous one she did. it’s a different change, and she knows she’s going to struggle with at least a good portion of it.
struggle is good; struggling makes her work harder. she can do that. she wants to do that. she shoves as much practice as she can inbetween everything else-- she needs to showcase her improvement, needs to showcase that she’s not going to falter under nice words. she wonders if hayoon’s expecting her to do that; wonders if she’s already prepping what she’s going to throw at her the next month.
the day of evaluations, she’s scratched at with nerves. she swallows and gathers up every bit of confidence she has; she’s done fine, mediocre-- this far, and she needs to do better. better than ever; in the full vocal, the dance, the group performances, and the solo. she needs it now, more than ever.
success is something you get addicted to, and god, vanessa wants it so badly.
vanessa wills her voice to come out as soothing as sui’s does in the original song. snaps her fingers and extenders her arms in something a bit seductive, a bit flirtatious. her voice raising with the pitch of the song. she keeps her voice as rich as can be to match the original singer-- delicate smile curved on her face as she lets her body move along to the beat. arms raised up high, quick movements before settling into something softer. her feet move in slow, quick motions before quickening as the beat increases.
don’t say no oh oh
i’m so sad, you know you too
please come back, am I bad?
baby don’t say no, i’ll always believe
that I was everything for you
oh oh oh oh don’t say no
her lips are quirked as she sways along with the music, drops to the ground when it calls for it. swings her legs and her arms as the tempo of the song continues; she sings with all her might, showcases her dancing and hopes there’s at least a little bit of improvement. that there’s no actual dissatisfaction.
vanessa doesn’t want to be kicked. doesn’t want to be left out of the project with just a wave of a hand and not good enough, needs more work. she’ll be damned if she’s worked this hard for a year and a half to let it all fade past her. if she counts brief time as a trainee prior to trc, its been two going on three; she knows there are people that have been waiting longer than that-- but god she’s been working her ass off for this opportunity granted. she wants to showcase she’s at least worthy of a possible position.
ooh don’t say no, no yeah whoo
baby don’t say no, i’ll always believe
that I was everything for you
oh oh oh oh don’t say no
she’s going to push herself the hardest she’s ever pushed. for today, for the upcoming jeju performance. she’s going to push for all the missed time as an idol, for all the time she’s given. she’s going to push and push and push.
there’s a lot to be thought about. a lot of words to take in--a lot of emotions, a lot of comfort from the girls that has her propelling forward. focusing on bettering herself; this month it’s not just about the performances, it’s about vanessa pushing aside her godforsaken pride and doing what’s been asked; showcase the hardwork that she’s so embarrassed, so ashamed to showcase in fear of negative feedback.
but after two months of it, vanessa decides that maybe attacking her weakness head on is better than ignoring it in the first place.
she finds something with an easy enough dance that she can sing along to and not look so embarrassing to. the vocals are nice enough but not so impressive she reaches chords that isn’t so straining for her vocal level. for the most part, she likes the song, thinks the dance isn’t that hard and does enough to showcase a little more than what’s been doing.
standing in front of yumi is terrifying but also liberating. it’s the time to showcase what she’s been working on, working with; hopefully able to save herself from the chopping block and show she isn’t just a troublemaker or someone with such a negative light on her. vanessa wants to show she’s earned her place here, and even if it’s taken time-- she wants to express that she’s serious.
as the music starts and she falls into the music, arms moving out to the beat of the song-- her voice filling in the small adlibbed singing parts before the beginning dance starts. the beginning is fast paced, leg movements and swaying arms. her eyes are forward, determined as each part of the dance flows in her head-- followed by her limbs moving in sync of the original song.
when i look in the mirror these days, i don’t why but it’s different
who is that girl?
you might fall for me too.
my body line is perfect,
my style shows that i know something
woo, hot thing
now i’m the age of a woman
there’s repetitive leg moment, up and down and switch-- up and down and switch, that’s a tiring move. while it’s not hard to do, the repetitive motion strains her legs. the burn is there when she does it, but she keeps herself schooled, moving into the motions like it doesn’t hurt, like she’s known this all of her life.
it’s strutting and walking, arms held up high before being brought back down. it’s subtle smiles in the mood of the song as she lets herself drown in it; she feels along with it and tries to own it. doing the dance is one thing but performing the dance and looking the part of it is also important.
beautiful, young and free
i think i know what love is now
i won’t hide it
beautiful, young and free
i’ll show you everything i want to do,
it’s the moment i’ve been waiting for
arms held up high and brought back down, feet stepping forward into a pattern as her head stares forward. her voice reigns and her movements sync with it too. she sings and she dances, moves her body with all the charisma, all the knowledge she knows-- with the flair of the dance she tries hard to convey. she wants to show she’s tried, given her best for the month and she can do more. that vanessa can be what they want and she doesn’t want to let them down anymore. she doesn’t want to be considered the weakest link-- anything but. fucking anything but that.
she moves into the last bit of the song, her voice focusing on the lyrics that are simple and out of muscle memory with how much she’s listened to the song to get the dance down. the last bit of leg movement and moving across the floor, arms pulled up to her body and trailing as the dance goes to end, her voice fading out as the last bit of the tunes fades off. her expression relaxes, swallowing thickly as she lets herself bask in the moment of being finished.
she’s hoping, praying for something better-- worry digging it’s claws in her gut as she bows and leaves-- not knowing if she feels better or worse.
