Jul 6, 2023
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Rice and stir fried soy meat, eggs, red bell peppers, bok choys, green onions in garlic curry peanut butter soy sauce mixture topped with roasted sesame seeds.
I snapped at H today and we spent the evening apart. I probably should feel worse about it but I didn't really mind being alone. I've found it so tasking at the end of the working day to also handle yet another person's feelings, or something. I feel like I have to filter my thoughts and feelings generally, like I can't just say what comes naturally because what comes naturally is horrible and hurts people's feelings and I don't want to do that. But I also get tired doing it. I'm maybe hormonal today, I had an intense time prepping for tomorrow although I did kind of enjoy it and got my mentor's sign off... I've been ravenous today which is also maybe hormonal. There's just been so many things recently. I am trying to get my head around the idea that maybe I am just different and I need to embrace that and not beat myself up for it. Maybe I do need longer recovery times in the evenings than other working professionals in my field, does it really change anything if I feel bad about that? It won't make me struggle any less to try to ignore that fact... I had a hot shower tonight where I did bond repair on my hair and shaved my arms and used body oil. None of that is strictly speaking necessary but it has made me feel good. I have such an instinct to only do what needs done and subsist on the bare minimum and push myself when I feel weak. And those urges have helped me sometimes but I also think they've hurt me.
Almost two years
Prečítala som si toto všetko s odstupom času. Po roku, možno i viac. Bože, to bolo veru temné obdobie. Ďakujem všetkým tým, ktorí celú tú dobu stáli pri mne. Fyzicky, online, v myšlienkach. (moja rodina, moje sestry, Maťa, malá Marťa, Lacik, pán Mainuš, František).
Ďakujem však najviac sebe. Sebe samej. Že som našla silu, na to všetko. Že som šla po ceste, deň po dni. Že som verila.