The fact that i dont run to her whenever i have a problem (boy) now speaks volumes. And this volume actively carves a gap in me that grows and echoes its emptiness in my head till im sick to my stomach.
I could be giggling and i could be having the time of my life but whenever i message you im faced with your politeness and im not used to it. But you remind me of what I’ve lost and the ache resounds in me till im sick to my stomach.
When its been gone since a long time ago why am i still hung up on you. Why am i still writing pages. And why is it you. Because you’re the cut that always bleeds and you’re the wound that will never heal. I ssy this as i rip off another band aid i thought will stop me from bleeding out alive.
There’s been hundreds of people but i dread you the most. I yearn for you the most. I know even if i go back now, we’ll never be the same again. Even if im 40, it wont matter much. And yet i find myself here again, with my heart so heavy it churns in my stomach till im sick and heaving. Till im down snd practiing breathing. You’re the breath im missing, and now matter how much i take in youll always be leaving.
I end this note just like i did others. As if spilling my thoughts on this piece of paper will soak you in ugly colours with my coffee. As if every breath i take doesn’t churn my heart in my stomach till i’m heaving. You’re the reason im praying. I’m the reason you’re leaving. I write you down again and again in hopes you stop chasing me when im asleep. Again and again so i stop yearning for you in the chokehold of my dreams. Again and again so the drink in my hand doesn’t take like your tears from that day. Again and again so i can smell the seasons before you tainted them with your smile. Again and again so i can take the roads you’ve taken from me. Again and again so i can leave you where you left me with me.
I stand there all alone withering away with the pounding rain that kissed me in your wake. I don’t hear you. I don’t taste you. I don’t feel you. I dont see you. This rain is cruel, so cruel. I can’t even smell you. do i have to move on now?
