#100daysofyoc

[100daysofyoc]

Worka worka worka work Work at work-work. Big inspection. Think it went really well. I didn't fuck up. The day ended with a great, integrated game of Articulate that was loaded with laughter. Lots of people enquiring after how I'm doing. Feeling loved and cared for. Creativity punching back. Motivation high. Losing hours to recipe development, the blog etc. On days like this when I'm capable of feeling anything, I feel that this might be bubbling in the right direction. So now I must direct myself. Write, develop, put myself out there, find cooking competitions to enter, try to get published. Find a market, focus on it. Make my own reality.

[100daysofyoc]

A moment out of the darkness I wallowed. A nasty cold has caught me asunder and I retreated to old habits. But a moment of warmth and spring light as I shuffled back to my room enlivened me. I made plans to see friends and have fun next weekend. I put myself out there with regards to the dreaded birthday. I bought cheap train tickets. This cold will pass, I won't be too hard on myself until then. I supported mum, Aideen supported me. Connections and love, putting myself out there. Tinder connections with cute guys. Light, light, always looking towards the light.

[100daysofyoc]

Fictional heroes and real ones. Cover class delayed because Batman was occupying the room. Chats with brother about everything. Reaching out to Ross amd Philip.

[100daysofyoc]

Back to Normality. A Treat. Back to work, cooking. A pretzel.

[100daysofyoc]

Missoula, Montana I tried to restart. Did some work. Made dahl. Ate vegetables. Planned and organised in an attempt to keep next week on an even keel. Then as I was leaving I started to cry. I pulled in half way back because my lights were out. My own idiocy. I missed a turn on the motorway. There was heavy fog. I prpbably wasn't fit to be driving. I shouldn't have been. Mam could tell. She was very agitated to know I was back safe. I made it. I was trying to slink in. And then this postcard. A little thing, a big smile, a grounding out of my own angst. So I stopped to chat to my housemate. It suddenly didn't seem so difficult. These little things make such, such a difference. I must try to emmulate the lead. Tomorrow, we start again.

[100daysofyoc]

Rest. Home. Understanding. My beloved parents gave me time and space. They talked at times, but just enough. I wallowed. I watched tv, ate and was generally mithered. Exhaustion persisted. There is no greater comfort than home.

[100daysofyoc]

Just happy this day is done. That it didn't rain. That I came home. I love my family and my friends. To be loved. To be alive.

[100daysofyoc]

Together with and without Shay Mouse We drove towards the wake, nauseous with grief and forboding. It was horrific. Worse than we imagined it would be. S. shook so violently in my arms. C. Looked so calm and upstanding: the opposite of himself in life. So, so many people who would normally determine my day, I didn't recognise. It got colder and colder. The huddled masses was wracked with sobs and rattled laughter of tales from his life. But hours later, warmer amd away from the family, the body, the reality. . . we regained some sense of ourselves. We will heal.