2017 Week 1 Preview
Welcome to the NFL season. Maybe it can keep your mind off the fact that the world is burning and drowning at the same time and nazis are everywhere and there is a racist sexual predator in charge of America and North Korea didn’t watch War Games as a kid and the bees are disappearing.
Teams on Bye: MIA, TB
KC 24 - 31 NE -- Game to Watch -- I’m choosing to view this as a good thing because one of my least favorite teams has to lose. Some people are pointing out that Andy Reid has a great record when he has more than a week to prep, but y’all, so does Belichick. There is precedent for the Chiefs kicking the living shit out of the Pats, but I don’t see it this time, not on the night where those jackasses get to bathe in their own self-importance and Super Bowl “highlights.”
JAX 20 - 27 HOU -- Lock It Up -- I’m by no means high on the Texans this year, and I don’t fancy their offense against the Jags D. But this is gonna feel like that Gleason game in the Superdome, and the Jaguars are good at fucking things up even when they are not astounding emotional underdogs. JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney will both be waiting to make Leonard Fournette’s NFL welcome not so welcoming. Maybe they’ll injure Bortles and Jacksonville will have to start an actual QB... If you can call Chad Henne that...
PHI 30 - 28 WSH -- Game to Watch -- -- Unpopular Opinion -- I spent the last year playing the Eagles on Madden franchise so you’ll have to forgive me if I’m a bit bullish on them. I may forget that in real life they don’t have 2,000-yard rusher and 3-time MVP Melvin Jolly in the backfield, or that Fletcher Cox has yet to be enshrined in the Pre Football Hall of Fame. In fact, Carson Wentz has zero Super Bowl rings, as opposed to the six he has garnered on my xbox! Still, the biggest factor for the Eagles last year was Lane Johnson. Before his injury they were 4-1, after they were like 3-8. That combined with Washington’s lack of pass rush means we might not yet have to worry about whether Philly can run the ball. The reverse is true on the other side: Washington’s stout o-line and the Eagles’ strong front seven cancel each other out, leaving Kirk Cousins throwing into an admittedly patchy secondary with no help from the ground game. I like the rivalry game, and I’ll give it to the up-and-comers.
NYJ 21 - 18 BUF -- Unpopular Opinion -- I know Tyrod Taylor technically cleared the NFL’s concussion protocol, but you can’t convince me he’s at 100%, or that the debut of the Rick Dennison offense in Buffalo won’t be a nightmare. This is exactly the kind of game the Josh McCown Browns would win, and it’s one I think his Jets will too. I just don’t see a lot of movement from Buffalo, whose list of weapons has been whittled down to two.
OAK 24 - 28 TEN -- Unpopular Opinion -- -- Game to Watch -- Time for Tennessee to Prove It. There’s no defense I would rather go against in a Prove It game than Oakland. I could easily see Marcus Mariota shredding them. If I wasn't a total whip I would be starting him this week in fantasy instead of Aaron Rodgers. Both of these QBs are young and coming off of injuries. I am excited by this. They also have aging runners trying to stave off younger bucks. I think if Marshawn is gonna be good, it’s gonna be early in the season. In the end, despite being outcoached, I think the Titans watch up great against Oakland and extract an important, top-shelf win at home.
BAL 23 - 27 CIN Such a close game I predict and yet I am not too interested in this game. We’ll see if Flacco is better, but anything else this game reveals could easily be a fluke. In the end, Cincy has dominated the Ravens at home for awhile, and I don’t like where Baltimore is at the moment. If the Bengals can find even one small area of leverage, they’ll find the win.
ARI 31 - 21 DET -- Game to Watch -- -- Lock It Up -- Low-key important game featuring two potential NFC Wild Card teams. The difference will be that one is a team and the other is Matt Stafford gunning his way to an exhausted .500+ despite having to max out the potential of the rest of the roster to get there. I think we might see a big game from Larry Fitzgerald. The Lions don’t seem to be set up to cover him.
ATL 26 - 20 CHI -- Survivor -- Some smart people think this is gonna be a tough out for Atlanta, and yet I give them my highest confidence Survivor designation. Am I stupid? Or am I just banking on Julio Jones making quick work of Chicago’s iffy secondary and Mike Glennon coming back to earth after an excellent preseason?
PIT 35 - 20 CLE -- Lock It Up -- Gonna add a name to the Cleveland QB Jersey of Doom! Kizer, your time on the clock starts now. We get a Joe Hayden revenge game in quick turnaround, and unfairly it will come against a Browns team that will be missing #1 overall pick Myles Garrett. That just bites for football in general. This will be LeVeon Bell’s first-ever Week 1 start, thanks to injuries and a league system that still for some reason punishes players for pot use. Who runs this thing, Jeff Sessions? Anyway, Bell might pass 100 yards by halftime. Something to watch, though, is that Roethlisberger historically struggles in Cleveland. I mean not as much as Cleveland’s quarterbacks do, but he does struggle.
IND 12 - 21 LAR -- NFL Title Belt (IND) -- The NFL Title Belt enters the season on inauspicious terms, ready to be wrested from Scott Tolzien’s hands by the Aaron Donald-less Rams defense. I will be shocked if Indy pulls this off, the only reason I don’t have it as a lock is that I don’t trust the Rams as far as I can throw them, or as far as Jared Goff could throw the ball last season without getting intercepted.
SEA 36 - 28 GB -- Unpopular Opinion -- -- Game to Watch -- I’m fucking excited for this game. You get the Bennett Brothers facing off in the middle of an emotional situation for Michael. You get Sheldon Richardson’s debut. You get Eddie Lacy’s revenge(?). You get the revenge game for the Packers’ stomping that was itself revenge for the NFC title game comeback AND the failed revenge for the Final Mary AND the Fail Mary itself. You get Aaron Rodgers facing an LoB that has no significant injuries for the first time since said NFC title game. Y’all, be pumped. The Seahawks will play passionate because of the Bennett stuff, they will refuse to let GB run, and they will execute their defensive scheme which we know can disrupt Rodgers when it’s done right.
CAR 29 - 27 SF This is a worrisome game, and if it’s SF’s I will be kicking myself. Cam is coming off an injury that lasted all offseason, their secondary sucks, Kyle Shanahan gets to debut his career at home, and the Niners have a weird streak of winning on kickoff weekend. The Panthers have to travel all the way across the country, and on top of that, don’t underestimate the memory of SB50. We saw how pumped the Broncos got playing here in the preseason. But just look at the names of the players and tell me again how San Fran pulls this one off, eh? If nothing else, Christian McCaffrey and Greg Olsen can blow this one open.
NYG 23 - 26 DAL Again? Yo, NFL, stop it with this shit. Look, I want to believe that the Giants will stymie the Cowboys AGAIN and Eli will take advantage of his new weapons and the Cowboys will be exposed, but I don’t think so. Mostly I just dread the coverage of Zeke. Can this just... Not? If Odell doesn’t play I might not even watch, even though it’s the only game today that I’ll be home for.
NO 31 - 27 MIN -- Game to Watch -- The return of Adrian Peterson! Which means he’s good for at least one devastating fumble and at least one run with 5+ broken tackles, along with something stupid he says to the media after the game. This is strength on strength for sure: the Saints offense against the Vikings defense should excite. It may be on the road but the indoor vibe of the Vikings’ stadium is Drew Bree's-Friendly. On the other side, both units have to be improved from last year to make any impact. I like the Saints’ multiple layers of defensive improvement better than the Vikings’ strategy of “throw Dalvin Book at the wall and see if he sticks” so... Whodat!
LAC 16 - 19 DEN -- Game to Watch -- So get this: Not only is this the first game to feature two black head coaches in their debut games, but those coaches GREW UP AS NEIGHBORS IN AURORA COLORADO and then were TEAMMATES ON THE BRONCOS. How on earth does that happen!?!?!? Anyway, usually I would pick a loss for either of these teams since they are new coaches who I don’t honestly have a ton of faith in, but they can’t both lose so I’m kinda gonna go with the It’s Easier To Coach At Home In Denver Than Away At Denver. As you can probably guess, that is one CJ Anderson TD and then four Brandon McManus FGs I have for Denver on the board, not exactly a runaway game. This is a low-key Mike McCoy re-revenge game, as he was stolen from DEN to HC in SD but then had to come back to OC for us after LA showed him the door. I’ll be interested to see how this whole team looks under new coaching, especially since I would at this point consider the Chargers more talented across the board. If we can’t stop the run (like last year) it’ll be tough to squeak one out. I know we have a lot of guys injured up front, but somehow I still like the pieces we’re gonna put out there, and by the time we’re running out of depth the Chargers will be gassed from the altitude. Either way, should be an interesting start (in primetime, no less) to both the Vance Joseph and Anthony Lynn eras.
Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!
