Dec 6, 2025
Victoria Sugden, 23.04.2025
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Victoria Sugden, 23.04.2025
Türkiye, bir deprem ülkesi olduğu gerçeğiyle uzunca süredir burun buruna. Buna rağmen tedbirsizlik bu ülkede can almaya devam ediyor. Deprem değil ihmal öldürüyor.
In bed at a reasonable hour but spending too long scrolling. I was incredibly productive today ahead of my 3 days off now. I am ready to see what I can do in the garden the next couple of days! We are getting structure of house repaired too which is good. I tried sitting in the garden quietly earlier today but unfortunately spotted something I wanted to act on in the vegetable patch. I have observed that I tend to find stuff to do a lot. It does make my life efficient in terms of having what I need to do stuff mostly. And I like that I can do things. I just also need to factor in down time.
Feel awful mentally. Full of bees and like my life is a waste, trying not to get upset about being ill and recovering from surgery but it's hard. I walked a small distance today which was great, I'm going to do that again tomorrow. The pads are starting to bug me but I am still spotting so I need to see them through to the end. I feel myself feeling angry and wanting a degree of control over things that would frankly be like old testament god level of power, so unrealistic and just insane really. I feel really self conscious about something I apparently did drunkenly 9 months ago that someone only mentioned today, so I have no idea. I feel deep shame, loss of control, a lot of anger. It's so awful feeling like I need to apologise over and over again and it still doesn't really undo what you've done. I can't believe alcohol is still causing me such problems even after I have so many big changes.
Mostly avoided sweet treats today, increased greenery and fresh food. Still had some sweet stuff by way of handful of haribo and about 300 cal worth of a cinnabon, which I found terribly gluey. I was shaky early AM, I think I'm having too much sugar by way of my morning sports drink - can probably wean off that soon.
23
I opened the door I never could.
rust on my hand had never felt prettier. It glitters in the sun that burns my neck. It smells of the old things I loved, in the haze of hatred did i ever see it for what it was? This door is falling, its hinges hanging on by a fine line, is that how i felt everyday each day back then? But it’s painted in pastels and crayons and oils and acrylics, it’s brushed with so much love it still opens. It’s oiled and buttered up with so much love, it still, does open. What of the water that lurks on the pavement? Are those my tears that never fully dried in this blazing sun? I’m sunburnt but you say I’m not just because you can’t see me. Did you ever really.. see me? If I open this door just a little wider, will you see me?
And i dance a little harder evrry chance i get, i eat a little less if i can go without it, i supress myself a little if crave a lot, i walk a bit faster if i see the way, i squreze my muscles a little more if i can help it all so that i can become a body i dont hate. All it does to me though is make me fatter than i ever was before