#30daygqchallenge

[keepingforposterity]

Day 9: What have you done or plan to do to socially transition? Pronouns, name, coming out, etc.

I do prefer neutral pronouns and my selected name is Harper, but very few people know either of those things. Even fewer than the number of people who know my gender identity, which, among people who I actually talk to (even if I met them on the internet) is probably... three? Four, possibly?

So obviously I haven't come out to many people. And I don't feel a driving need to come out to everyone, or even just the important people in my life. It's not like when I was coming out as bi/pansexual. That was, one, never a big deal (except with certain family members), and two, something I just sorta did once I figured it out. I'm out and proud about my sexuality, and anyone I meet who has a problem with that part of me, I just don't feel they're worth my time. This... is different. I manage this. It's much more personal, and I feel only really affects me.

If I ever get serious with dating somebody (a thing that is off the table until I have a better lid on my anxiety issues) I see it being important for me to come out to them. Partly because sexual things plus dysphoria is a not good combination, and partly because I think a person should know all of me if they're professing to love me. 

Side note: this being published right about (15 minutes to midnight, where I am) on National Coming Out Day wasn't even something I noticed til I typed 'coming out' into the tags.

[keepingforposterity]

Day 8: An unpopular or unsure opinion about the GSM community

Um. I'll call this an unsure opinion because in my realm of experience, "unpopular opinions" are what people use as an excuse to be incredibly offensive, which is not something I want to be.

And maybe this isn't so much an opinion about the community as it is just something that I encountered once. My ex girlfriend is trans*. A mutual friend of ours is also dating a trans* woman, who my girlfriend said some things about, because our friend's girlfriend (among other things) got her hormones through less legitimate means than my ex did. And because of that (and other things, which I can't remember) my ex cast some doubts regarding the legitimacy of our friend's girlfriend's identity. 

I just don't think that kind of behavior is ever okay. No one, trans* or not, has the right or ability to decide if someone else's identity is legitimate. Sure, there's a couple assholes on the internet who think trolling the LGBT community is good fun, and it's okay to call those assholes assholes. But deciding that, because you went through all the 'right' avenues to get your hormones and get your gender marker changed and this other person didn't, that their identity is less legitimate than yours, that kind of thing is not okay. Not everyone has the same resources, the same means, the same access, or the time to get what they need before they no longer have time.

[keepingforposterity]

Day 7: What are your favorite physical features of yourself?

I like my back and shoulders. I like my legs most of the time. I like my neck. Sometimes I like my hands. I like my stomach enough to get a piercing there. I like my eyes and my mouth. I'm starting to like my butt now that I've gained some weight. 

I am considered conventionally attractive, I know this. But I don't usually feel that way. My hands, back, shoulders, legs, neck and stomach I like because they're pretty much genderless (though my stomach does have a feminine curve between my ribs and hips). My eyes I like because of their color, which is hazel. My mouth I like because of the cupid's bow. 

[keepingforposterity]

Day 6: When did you realize you were genderqueer?

A little over a year ago - about the same time that I started this blog. When I went on birth control ~18 months ago, I went up a cup size and suddenly couldn't stand my chest. Before, I could ignore it, but not anymore. And that realization just compounded on with everything else I'd managed to ignore over the years but no longer could. 

Part of me is surprised I didn't realize this about myself sooner, but looking back I seem to have all my life-shattering realizations one by one. At fifteen I was figuring out I was bisexual. Sixteen I had my crisis of faith. Seventeen I was horribly depressed, eighteen I was horribly depressed again for different reasons, nineteen I was learning how to make myself happy and becoming a person I liked. Twenty I had my genderqueer eureka moment. I'm sort of excited/nervous to find out what twenty-one will bring.

[keepingforposterity]

Day 5: Dysphoria and how you manage it

Right now, I think because I've found ways to manage it and ways to dress that don't aggravate it, and learned how to listen to myself so I don't dress in a clingy girly dress on a boy day, my dysphoria isn't too bad.

That said, I do have a binder which I wear (mostly just at home) when I'm feeling dysphoric or otherwise anxious. On a whole I wear sports bras so much more than I used to and avoid real bras when I can. I dress more androgynous overall and usually only femme it up when I'm feeling extra female. I also take birth control pills and most months I'll skip the placebo week so I don't bleed. I don't shave my legs most of the time and when I do it's usually because I'm going out, femming it up and wearing a skirt. This last one may change a little as the weather gets warmer.

I have plans for the future which, while possibly not including hormones (I still worry about how it would affect my singing voice), includes a breast reduction and a hysterectomy. 

Having the tools I have and having plans in place for the future help me deal with things. Knowing that the parts I struggle with will change in time, that I won't have to live with them forever, helps so much.

[keepingforposterity]

Day 4) Name some queer heroes, influences, or crushes

I don't really have a lot of these...

There's Andrej Pejic, the androgynous model who's caught between influence and crush.

There's my boss, who's a gay woman and definitely a hero of mine. She's traveled extensively, lives alone, is happy alone, runs her own business, and one day I want to be as comfortable with myself and my choices as she is.

There's also a professor at my school who's a crush - she works in the women's studies department and recently got her PhD in something. I had her for a philosophy course and I'm convinced the only reason I did so well was because of my crush on her (though I think I actually managed to pass all my classes that quarter). Again, one day I want to be as confident as she is.

[keepingforposterity]

Day 3: What’s your favorite ways of upsetting gender roles / genderbending / genderfucking?

Um. Depending on who you ask, the fact that I prefer sports bras (which make my chest look smaller) for every day wear is countering gender roles. Mostly I only femme it up when my confidence levels are super high. When I'm feeling insecure or anxious I'm more likely to bind and wear unisex clothes. 

I don't know. I guess I don't really have a lot to say about this one.

[keepingforposterity]

Day 2: How did you grow up with your gender?

I never had many friends growing up, but I suppose I never really fit into the typical "little girl" role. I do remember that on the occasions I realized I was a girl, it was always motivated by someone else bringing it up somehow. 

There was one incident, I was maybe five. There were two boys my brother and I played with a lot, one was a year older than me and the other a year younger. We had all played together for years with no problem... until their sister was born. Suddenly I couldn't play with them at all, because they were boys and I was a girl. I cried for days. Now I'm not sure if it was about their sister being born (and me now having "another girl to play with") or if we'd suddenly hit the age when gender mattered to them.

I suppose that anytime gender came up, it was always in the context of what I couldn't do or what I had to do. I didn't like skirts a lot, unless it was dressing up for a special occasion. I remember at least once when I wished I'd been born a boy so I could cross-dress - and then when Mulan came out and I realized girls could cross-dress, I wished I'd been born at an earlier time so I could cross-dress.

I was never really satisfied with being a girl. Sure, some of it was because it was inconvenient - I couldn't play with people I wanted to, I had to wear skirts to school even when it was cold (our uniform did allow girls to wear pants, but only if it was below a certain temperature or during a certain window of the year), I was expected to be closer to my mom than I was. Not to mention goddamn puberty. The less said about puberty the better, I think.