Just keeping for posterity

[keepingforposterity]

so I haven't updated any of this blog in like 3 years. i feel like i've worked through what i need to with it but rather than deleting i want to keep the posts mostly for myself so I've changed the url and deleted all the sidebar info. but yeah. go ahead and unfollow (if any of you are even still real/checking things?) because this is the last post that'll ever go up on this blog.

[keepingforposterity]

Day 9: What have you done or plan to do to socially transition? Pronouns, name, coming out, etc.

I do prefer neutral pronouns and my selected name is Harper, but very few people know either of those things. Even fewer than the number of people who know my gender identity, which, among people who I actually talk to (even if I met them on the internet) is probably... three? Four, possibly?

So obviously I haven't come out to many people. And I don't feel a driving need to come out to everyone, or even just the important people in my life. It's not like when I was coming out as bi/pansexual. That was, one, never a big deal (except with certain family members), and two, something I just sorta did once I figured it out. I'm out and proud about my sexuality, and anyone I meet who has a problem with that part of me, I just don't feel they're worth my time. This... is different. I manage this. It's much more personal, and I feel only really affects me.

If I ever get serious with dating somebody (a thing that is off the table until I have a better lid on my anxiety issues) I see it being important for me to come out to them. Partly because sexual things plus dysphoria is a not good combination, and partly because I think a person should know all of me if they're professing to love me. 

Side note: this being published right about (15 minutes to midnight, where I am) on National Coming Out Day wasn't even something I noticed til I typed 'coming out' into the tags.

[keepingforposterity]

Day 8: An unpopular or unsure opinion about the GSM community

Um. I'll call this an unsure opinion because in my realm of experience, "unpopular opinions" are what people use as an excuse to be incredibly offensive, which is not something I want to be.

And maybe this isn't so much an opinion about the community as it is just something that I encountered once. My ex girlfriend is trans*. A mutual friend of ours is also dating a trans* woman, who my girlfriend said some things about, because our friend's girlfriend (among other things) got her hormones through less legitimate means than my ex did. And because of that (and other things, which I can't remember) my ex cast some doubts regarding the legitimacy of our friend's girlfriend's identity. 

I just don't think that kind of behavior is ever okay. No one, trans* or not, has the right or ability to decide if someone else's identity is legitimate. Sure, there's a couple assholes on the internet who think trolling the LGBT community is good fun, and it's okay to call those assholes assholes. But deciding that, because you went through all the 'right' avenues to get your hormones and get your gender marker changed and this other person didn't, that their identity is less legitimate than yours, that kind of thing is not okay. Not everyone has the same resources, the same means, the same access, or the time to get what they need before they no longer have time.

[theartoftransliness]

[babylizard-blog]

important PSA (if you could signal boost this i’d appreciate it a lot!!)

hey so i really need to get a chest binder soon but my mom and i are really kind of struggling to pay for all of my school stuff and i might not be able to actually buy one full price before school starts which is a problem because i’m going to be living in the all-guys dorms and i really want to be able to pass while i’m there!!!

i was wondering if maybe one of my followers or someone who sees this has a binder they could possibly donate to me or sell to me for a discounted price?? i would appreciate it so so so much and it’d mean the world to me i hate asking for handouts but this is a really important thing i need to have soon. 

i’m not entirely sure about sizing (i’m assuming i’d need a small or a medium but i know a lot of sizes vary) but i can give you some of my measurements!! my bust is a 34C and i generally wear mens’ small-medium size t shirts. i’m 5’1” and about 120-125 pounds and i have a 31 inch waist. i hope that helps??

anyway ah yeah like i said i feel bad asking you guys for free/cheap stuff but money is hard for my family right now and college is really expensive even with all of my scholarships and i really need to get a binder like. before august 23rd. i have less than a month to get one. :c

thank you so much for taking the time to read this!!

[keepingforposterity]

I'm going through the same issue with names, as well. I'm trying to change mine, as my birth name obviously isn't right, but it's hard. I recently found a bunch of pictures of me as a child, and spent a few days looking at them, trying to find something continuous in them I could call "me." It's taken some work, but I think I'm almost ready for a name :) Best of luck!

That's fantastic for you! 

I just thought I had it figured out when I chose Harper. Heck, I choose names all the time - usually for fictional characters, but still. Or maybe it's because I choose names constantly that I have such trouble finding one that really resonates and continues to resonate?

[keepingforposterity]

I don't really connect myself to my name. My birth name or the name I picked for myself and use here. I almost feel like I don't have a name, or if I do I don't know what it is. 

Only one person calls me Harper. I love them for it.

Everyone else uses my birth name. I use my birth name. But when I introduce myself, I have to think for a minute - what is my name? There's a pause, then Harper, then my birth name. I use it for school. I write it on my assignments. I sign it on my checks. And every time I do it feels like a forgery.

I have another name. You might call it a spiritual one. A very close, very small group of friends knows/knew it. Only one person regularly uses it, and then only when I get into certain moods, let another side of myself forward. Lately that's felt foreign too.

But they don't fit. None of these names. Harper and the other, they feel more right than my birth name. But it's still not quite there.

I don't know anymore. I'm rambling. I should just go to bed.

[keepingforposterity]

I'm currently enrolled in a class on Women's and Gender Studies.

On Thursday we were discussing gender, gender identity, and transgender issues. It's just an intro class so we went over the important bits.

The part that really surprised me was when we got to 'genderqueer' and my professor began explaining by stating that she (I'm using female pronouns because my professor presents femininely and uses a traditionally female name. If she hadn't mentioned this I would have assumed that she was a cis female) identifies as genderqueer.

This might seem strange but... to hear an adult, an adult in a position of power with a job at a university, announce to a classroom that they identify as genderqueer, then go on to explain what that means... it felt validating. 

[transqueermediaexchange-deactiv]

[keepingforposterity]

So, I seem to stall in my 30 Day Challenge every time I come across a question that I don't really know how to answer. Sorry, everyone. I'll try and figure something out and get back on track.

[keepingforposterity]

Day 7: What are your favorite physical features of yourself?

I like my back and shoulders. I like my legs most of the time. I like my neck. Sometimes I like my hands. I like my stomach enough to get a piercing there. I like my eyes and my mouth. I'm starting to like my butt now that I've gained some weight. 

I am considered conventionally attractive, I know this. But I don't usually feel that way. My hands, back, shoulders, legs, neck and stomach I like because they're pretty much genderless (though my stomach does have a feminine curve between my ribs and hips). My eyes I like because of their color, which is hazel. My mouth I like because of the cupid's bow. 

[keepingforposterity]

Why did you self-harm?

Well, the reason is kind of two fold. I wasn't in a very good place mentally/emotionally during my senior year of high school (which is when it was the worst, the only time my habits resulted in physical damage) for... well. I couldn't handle my life, I was terrified of leaving my school and my friends. I was lost in a lot of ways. I was also in a long-distance relationship at the time and all these things combined made me very withdrawn.

I also have an anxiety problem, have in varying degrees for as long as I can remember. And in a variety of ways I had used pain as a means of controlling that anxiety. I wasn't really aware of it; mostly it was scratching absently at myself or digging my fingernails into my skin when I was feeling overwhelmed, and the bit of pain would help me to focus.

Between how I was feeling about the future, my relationship, and the classes I was trying desperately not to fail, I couldn't handle my life. At all. And I didn't know how to ask for help. So my coping-through-pain escalated, and once it had I realized I needed help more than I'd thought but I still didn't know how to ask. In retrospect, part of how I self-harmed (not so much why) was trying to get someone to notice. Notice I was drowning in my own life, and to toss me a life vest. Eventually someone did.

[keepingforposterity]

Day 6: When did you realize you were genderqueer?

A little over a year ago - about the same time that I started this blog. When I went on birth control ~18 months ago, I went up a cup size and suddenly couldn't stand my chest. Before, I could ignore it, but not anymore. And that realization just compounded on with everything else I'd managed to ignore over the years but no longer could. 

Part of me is surprised I didn't realize this about myself sooner, but looking back I seem to have all my life-shattering realizations one by one. At fifteen I was figuring out I was bisexual. Sixteen I had my crisis of faith. Seventeen I was horribly depressed, eighteen I was horribly depressed again for different reasons, nineteen I was learning how to make myself happy and becoming a person I liked. Twenty I had my genderqueer eureka moment. I'm sort of excited/nervous to find out what twenty-one will bring.

[keepingforposterity]

Day 5: Dysphoria and how you manage it

Right now, I think because I've found ways to manage it and ways to dress that don't aggravate it, and learned how to listen to myself so I don't dress in a clingy girly dress on a boy day, my dysphoria isn't too bad.

That said, I do have a binder which I wear (mostly just at home) when I'm feeling dysphoric or otherwise anxious. On a whole I wear sports bras so much more than I used to and avoid real bras when I can. I dress more androgynous overall and usually only femme it up when I'm feeling extra female. I also take birth control pills and most months I'll skip the placebo week so I don't bleed. I don't shave my legs most of the time and when I do it's usually because I'm going out, femming it up and wearing a skirt. This last one may change a little as the weather gets warmer.

I have plans for the future which, while possibly not including hormones (I still worry about how it would affect my singing voice), includes a breast reduction and a hysterectomy. 

Having the tools I have and having plans in place for the future help me deal with things. Knowing that the parts I struggle with will change in time, that I won't have to live with them forever, helps so much.

[keepingforposterity]

Day 4) Name some queer heroes, influences, or crushes

I don't really have a lot of these...

There's Andrej Pejic, the androgynous model who's caught between influence and crush.

There's my boss, who's a gay woman and definitely a hero of mine. She's traveled extensively, lives alone, is happy alone, runs her own business, and one day I want to be as comfortable with myself and my choices as she is.

There's also a professor at my school who's a crush - she works in the women's studies department and recently got her PhD in something. I had her for a philosophy course and I'm convinced the only reason I did so well was because of my crush on her (though I think I actually managed to pass all my classes that quarter). Again, one day I want to be as confident as she is.

[partiendolapana-blog]

[TW for trangst] Being trans makes you apologetic.

(AKA “I should be doing homework but this really needs to be said and I didn’t stick it in my proposal because it felt like whining and I couldn’t find a proper place to put it but this has got to be out there somewhere.”)

It does. It really does.

It starts the very first time you realize you aren’t “normal,” and you turn to your first person and tell then that maybe, you know, if it’d be ok… Maybe they wouldn’t mind calling you Sam instead of Samantha? Or Joan instead of Joe? Or could they just use your initials, maybe? If it’s not too much trouble? And this person (whoever they are) thinks it’s a game. And they laugh, or they snicker, or they ask you why you would do such a thing. Because Joan is a girl name, and you’re not a girl. Why would you want to be one? So you apologize and laugh it off, but inside you’re not smiling.

And it happens again a couple of years later, when you find your way to the internet and make yourself an account in a kiddy forum and say you’re a boy. Your little display picture is a male anime character or another. And you grow to really like this community, until one day someone finds you out for one way or another. Maybe you were careless and let a friend see the site over your shoulder, and they joined. Maybe you started IMing with someone from the forum and they saw your display photo on your IM system, and it’s of a girl. Maybe you decided to go to a meet-up and everyone realizes you were lying. Because of course you are not who you say you are. So you apologize and laugh it off, and say you were just roleplaying. Or it was a joint account with a friend, and they left. Or you clicked the wrong gender when signing up and didn’t realize until people thought you were that gender and you kept it going because it was funny. But of course you can’t go back to the site now.

Again when you start dressing more androgynous, and when someone genders you the way you feel inside, your friends laugh and assure these people that you are not what you look like. That you really do have a dick. Would this stranger want to see it? ‘Cause they’ll pull it out for you if they have to. Hahaha, isn’t it funny that this person thought you were a girl? And you laugh and you apologize to this other person for looking misleading, but inside you are kicking yourself.

And then you come out. Hesitantly at first. You come out to a couple of close friends, and you say you may be genderqueer, and you don’t really know where you stand, but would they mind calling you “they?” And could they just call you Alex, or Cory, or Logan, which are all gender-neutral? And they say that maybe, I mean, it’s really hard, they’ve always known you as Alice and it’s going to be so super-hard to keep those pronouns straight. Hahahaha get it? Straight? Because you’re not straight if you want to be called Alex. You’re obviously gay or bi or something because straight people don’t switch genders. And you say it’s ok and you know it will take time and you don’t correct them even when they misgender you through the years and they call you the wrong thing in front of new friends or in front of your partners. And you apologize for picking such difficult pronouns and for putting them through this and asking them to switch over.

You apologize when you throw the gender ratios off in class and if only you were a girl you could be divided by gender and both groups would have the same amount of people. But, I mean. You don’t mind being with the girls, right? You understand them! Here, ehm, Rob. We promise we still think of you as a guy. But it will be so much easier if you just do us this favor and let us put you in the girls’ group. And you apologize for putting them through this.

You apologize for holding up the line at a gay club because the bouncers are convinced that your ID is a fake. And when you get out at the end of the night and they’re still there, you ask them why they thought it was fake, since it’s brand-spanking-new and you just got it, with the right name and gender, this past month. And they ask you if you’re trans. Oh, you are? Well, that explains it. It just didn’t look right, you know. The font is too thin.

You apologize when you wear a dress and grow your hair out and wear make-up and they still call you Andrew because it’s so hard for them because you will always be “he” to them.

You apologize for going into the right bathroom.

You apologize for mentioning that not all men have deep voices.

You apologize for knowing about periods.

You apologize for having a period.

You apologize for not having a period.

You apologize for being tall.

You apologize for being short.

You apologize for passing.

You apologize for being read.

You apologize for fucking existing and taking up space that you have no right to because you’re a filthy trans person and should just let cis people go ahead and walk all over you.

You apologize for wanting the same rights everybody else has.

And then? Then you have to apologize for not speaking up, because it’s not like cis people could have guessed that you were having issues with housing, or with pronouns, or with the bathroom, or with surgery, or with anything at all. Because you should be both unnoticed and a banner child. Because you should let everybody know you are here in case you make them uncomfortable, or in case they do something that’s fucked up and that screws you over. Because it’s not like you were supposed to see that. If they had only known you were there, they wouldn’t have done it. But oh my gods stop talking you’re always talking about how hard you have it why aren’t you just thankful about the stuff we’ve given you.

So you apologize for being.

[keepingforposterity]

Day 3: What’s your favorite ways of upsetting gender roles / genderbending / genderfucking?

Um. Depending on who you ask, the fact that I prefer sports bras (which make my chest look smaller) for every day wear is countering gender roles. Mostly I only femme it up when my confidence levels are super high. When I'm feeling insecure or anxious I'm more likely to bind and wear unisex clothes. 

I don't know. I guess I don't really have a lot to say about this one.