(Talesfromthefade) “i’m… i’m trying. i really am.” for the DWC?
Thank you! I’m combining this prompt with the one from @bitchesofostwick!
Dimitri x Bull | Post-trespasser | 1131 words | Angst
Cold feet pressed to the marble tiles and Dimitri’s toes curled at the sensation, shivering. He gripped the silk sheets tight with one hand, kneading his lip with sharp teeth. He looked down at his narrow bare feet on white floor, toes twitching idly.
“Do I have to again?” He half whined, looking up at Bull, hands planted his hips as a sigh left his nose. Another day, another try at walking. It had been this way for weeks--since the events of the council had robbed him of his arm...among others.
It was surmised that the magical backlash of the events was slowly taking the sight in his good eye; it had only been a few weeks and even faces as close as Bull’s were growing into dark masses of grey and black. He could grow to live with the minimal sight, but the side effect of losing the strength and control in his legs was not what he wanted. Weakness and pain from all the bedrest and the trauma sustained, they had said. But, even without half of his sight and hearing combined with the chronic pain and headaches, he still had the ability to move from place to place of his own volition. In a world that tried to trap his every movement, his every breathing moment, the freedom of his feet were paramount. But, staring down at his legs as they refused to move the way he wanted, a pit was growing in his stomach--a gaping hole to swallow his freedom away.
“I’ll be right here like I always am. Trust me on this, Kadan. I know you can do this.” Bull held out his hands to emphasize his point and Dimitri looked down at his legs. He let out a breath, concentrating to get his foot to move. It shifted back, just his toes pressing to the cold floor as his foot arched, the sensation of the floor fading. Not the motion he wanted and he grumbled under his breath; it was always like that...
He clicked his tongue, coaxing his foot back to lay flat on the tile again, the cold touch returning. He tried to wiggle his toes, but all he got was a weak flutter. It was always like that...
“You’ll have me if I fall?” Dimitri asked for reassurance and Bull hummed and nodded, wiggling his fingers for emphasis that Dimitri couldn't see, but knew was there nonetheless.
“Always.” He heard the smile in his voice at the double meaning, the warmth enough to soothe the pit.
He took a deep breath, pushing against the mattress with his arm to lift himself up onto his feet. He wobbled on his feet like some poor newborn horse, hoping and praying this time was different. He steadied himself, watching his legs, Bull hovering just out of reach. He tried lifting his foot, but a weak slide forward on the floor was all he got. But it was enough for the moment and he placed his weight on that, testing to see. But, vicious pain quickly and angrily seized in his back, spasms costing him all the strength in his legs as all the breath to yell fled his lungs.
“Whoa!” Bull quickly caught him as he collapsed, ushering him back onto the bed in the heap. Pain still wracked his body, legs twisting unnaturally and he held his arm close to his chest, panicked breaths rising in and out to ride out the pain--cries in his chest left unheard, locked behind teeth. He held his shirt til his knuckles were white. It never lasted long...it never lasted long...Two weeks of this and he knew exactly how it went each and every time.
Sure enough, the sensation faded to prickles down his still trembling legs and he slowly relaxed, opening his eyes and unclenching his jaw. He groaned in the intense frustration washing over him, internally kicking his legs to protest, but all he got were weak flutters in his ankles. He ground his teeth angrily, looking up at Bull who stood above him. He sat as a dark grey blob and his squinted his eyes shut, shaking his head. He beat his hand against his chest, turning his head away.
He was exhausted, tired of it all. He didn’t need this--didn’t need the pain and the hurt. Hadn’t he paid enough? He already had so much hurt and pain to last anyone a dozen lifetimes. The sword through his stomach and the rush of blood from his body was enough. The torture in the Gallows--nearly cutting off his wrist while nursing dozens of deep painful burns--was enough. He didn’t need to be sitting here--losing his sight and his legs--to whatever wanted him to suffer. Something had deemed his life only worthy of that, it seemed.
He wanted to fight, to rage against that, but nothing had come forth but the stinging sensation of his own inadequacies. He had no one to blame but himself and the cursed body that refused his commands. He might as well have been shackled once more.
“Kadan...” Bull spoke quietly and a shaky breath filled Dimitri’s lungs, tossing his out of his thoughts. He felt Bull leaning over top of him, but he knew he couldn’t see him if he looked up.
“I won’t be able to see your face, so you can stop making sad looks at me.” He managed to speak without his voice cracking--something he was capable of apparently, unlike so many other things.
“Kadan...” Bull spoke again as if to soothe or to exasperate and Dimitri turned his head to look at him. He was closer than before, close enough for Dimitri to still be able to take in his face. He could see it painted plainly across his face: watching that pain, unable to stop it from happening--being powerless to stop how it marred and ruined him over and over again...
That pain filled his face and Dimitri couldn’t stop the lump in his throat or the hot wet tears that ran down his face in waves. They clogged his chest and sobs fell from his lips surely as Bull wrapped him up and pulled him close.
“I’m...” He sputtered through the tears, shaking, “I’m trying. I-I really am...” He whined and Bull hushed him.
“I know Kadan...I know.” He soothed, running circles at the base of his neck in gentle long strokes.
“I know...” He spoke yet again, almost as if to the silence around them, to whatever had taken so much from them, to soothe both their wounds. Whatever it was remained cruel and content to watch them suffer and wallow a while longer, waiting for their next try like it always did.