Worse / in sickness
I'm married happily married but not in the happiest situation. I'm alone. My husband's been committed committed committed maybe if I say it over and over I'll bileave it. I do I bileave it but it seems like a lot it seems like so much. Hearing the thoughts he was having me didn't bother me. Which is odd maybe the specific thoughts should have. They are brutal eye gouging and eating them. My eyes. He loves my eyes but his brain won't give him peace. To me it sounds like an ocd thought pattern. Made worse by stress. I don't think it's by the antivirals he had to take. I'm not just saying that because I want to fuck him again, I do but it's more than that. I'm in bed immobile I should run maybe it would make me feel better. Maybe I'll cry the whole time. Maybe I'll find some clarity I often do. Maybe I'll find nothing. He's an amazing person. Do I do this to men make them want to hurt me? But that's the thing he doesn't want to he hates the thoughts he has my ex did want to hurt me and did. But I can't help to go back to it do I fuck people up? I have my own issues anxiety depression feedback loops I know I have ocd too but they never diagnose it. Thought patterns unending violent thoughts about jumping of bridges slitting my wrists, jumping into a river and washing myself away. I get it its mental illness it fucks people up. But does mine effect him make his worse are we a bad pair for it or the perfect one? So i press on like cheap nails I can't go back or quit or break down too as much as I want to. The medical bills will be insane. The ambulance ride alone the er visit. But apparently it's all covered in insurance for his stay at the psych ward according to the social worker. But I won't count my chickens. I'm pissed he was fired for this. Fired for what being human. Fuck his boss. Fuck money fuck the American Healthcare system where it has to get to this point for him to be forced to go in. Fuck it all. So I'm alone violating his privacy by looking at his phone, he isn't my ex I have nothing to worry about but I still do. I'm a dick fuck. I read his journal, thoughts mostly I ignored the letters never sent to his ex. I read the one meant for me. It hurt but helped. He's funny. He has liked me a lot for so long. In a section that was just word association it was my name followed by sexy. Sexy damn what a confidence boost that was. I know I put pressure in him because my lack of confidence how badly my ex fucked me up for it. But sexy haha it's nice to read. Sleep was minimal my hair is probably one large dread now. I don't think I've showered since idk maybe Friday it's Wednesday now. No sat I showered on sat then we caulked the shower then I was lazy on Monday. And now well it all went down. I spent a day by his bed in the er in the outfit I slept in. Going today to bring clothes and visit. Also books. I hope it doesn't remind him if being forced to stay in his room as a kid. I just hope it makes him happy. I want to get him a fresh notebook composition notebook I'll tell him to write. This won't hurt his art he's worried about that it might fuel him give him more to talk about. No word in jobs sucks. I've applied to so many. Maybe I should eat. It's hard when I'm so tired frustrated and sad. I hate eating sometimes. I'll wait till my eyes get fuzzy. Maybe in n out on the way. It's cheap and easy. I feel worse then when I broke up with my ex. I cried more then but feel worse down. I feel like I'm letting someone down my best friend. My love. What did I do why do I get the short stick sometimes when I work so hard to do everything right. It's not about me though this is really about him. He needs to get better. He will. I hope I'm not suffocating him. Hope he doesn't feel trapped I told him I could go home stay with my parents for a bit to make him feel better. But fuck life is a twat sometimes maybe it has no deeper meaning. Now I want to see a shrink. For me. I'm scared and alone in this. But I'm in charge of his care when he gets home. It's a lot of pressure but nothing I can't handle. But I need to figure out my own shit with someone else and not burden him with it all. I hate shrinks ever since my Christian shrink asked me if I was having sex for money and that was the reason I was worried about group therapy. No I'm not a prostitute in a wealthy town at 15. All we ever did was play battleship any way. What did she help me with. I still panicked at school started gaging for no reason. I still felt my heart race in my chest. But maybe I'll get a good one a better one. I hope so. So for worse. It's part of the vows along with in sickness. Odd to have to tackle these all the first week of marriage and I'm aware they can come up again later in life. But fuck it's hard. I have his back despite how fucking shitty it all is. No strings, cords, shoe laces, cell phones, anything sharp, spiral bound books, and who knows what else. So I'm bringing him paperback books, boxers, and a notebook. Not sure if I can bring a pen or pencil. But they have that I'm assuming. No outside food. Despite my strong desire to bring him a double double animal style with raw onions. His favorite. Sucks. But the books should help. He may be wildly bored. He may be people watching. And what a place to do it. It always sounds loud when I talk on the phone to anyone there. I can hear chairs moving people yelling. That kind of thing. Visiting will be good. Everyone sounds hopeful he'll be out before the weekend. I am too won't cross my fingers though. Sucks to sleep alone. So alone I can't find his smell anywhere. No distinct place but I get whifs of it. It sucks I want a shirt that reaks of him and a pillow to put it on. It's not the same but I need something. I want a diagnosis. It's not the antivirals I knew that from the start. A diagnosis I can Google prepare myself for. Idk why labeling things helps so much. My sister hates labels. I do for the most part but sometimes they give you a community like being queer and not cis has for me. Love is strong and blood is thicker than water. I'll live. He will too. Need to get him the fuck out and home. Eat a dick trump. Haha idk just felt right to sign this one off on.
![Since 1994 Part 2 (Intro 2) [Prod. By Lex Luger]](https://64.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1m7tjah961r5wkplo1_cover.jpg)