#5340906

[5340906]

There was something about the way I missed you that made more sense to me than anything I'd ever learned from books or movies and you had no idea that my world became so much bigger and brighter when you walked into it. We learn to love, it's not just in us and for a moment there I thought I'd forgotten how, but when I see you make babies giggle and hear you talk in your sleep I learn more and more about it every day and my god you don't know how much I needed you to be a mentor in the lesson of loving myself again. There is so much goodness that you see in me that I would have thought to be a lie had I not heard it from you. You find things I despise about myself and find words to make them not sound like flaws and you have loved me so well that I don't find so many anymore and you continue to love me like that still. I wasn't so well once upon a time, I was an outlined cutout of a girl pasted against a busy wall of things that I couldn't keep up with, I was sad and I was unsure of so many things. I'm still trying to make sense of how to be my own person one small step at a time but you help me make good choices and show me what it is to be a good person and I think if that's what you've done to me then I've been dealt an ace hand and I wouldn't want to love any one other than you.

To be better is to be loved by you (l.w)

[5340906]

Sunsets are different everywhere you go. Sometimes you're with the people you love and other times you're not.

(l.w)

[5340906]

I knew it wasn't gonna last forever and you really wanted it to but home is two different places for us and you had to go back to yours. We broke each other's hearts even though neither us meant for a good thing to blossom and die all in the same week. You went hard while I rocked steady, you didn't give up easy and all that tinkered in my head was "how will I tell you it's time to go?"

Fresh faced and fast paced (l.w)

[5340906]

When a boy drives you home, don't overthink it. When a boy buys you coffee, shout him one back next time even if he doesn't expect you to, just so you don't have to owe him anything. If a boy laughs at your joke, he's probably just laughing at the fact that you think you're funny and not the actual joke. When he remembers what you said two weeks ago, it's probably a once off. When he smiles at you when nobody is around and without saying anything, he was most likely bored and tried to break the awkward. When you notice all these little things that mean that he could potentially be into you, forget about it, he's probably just a nice guy.

Which is why you like him so much (l.w)

[5340906]

I’ve been busy living things and not writing about them. I always manage to fabricate my experiences and my mind already works in dramatic ways, I didn’t want to feed any negative things I’ve been feeling in the last six months with a series of fantasies that I manifested. It didn’t appear to be very healthy for me. In the last six months, I’ve become familiar with some feelings I hadn’t ever come across before until I found myself thinking I was in a relationship that honestly meant nothing to anyone but me. I have given up and gotten up on several occasions and not known how to process the reality of being an adult. I stopped writing about my experiences because they weren’t childish anymore. Seriousness is not something you can be creative about, it isn’t easy to divulge your feelings about serious issues without having someone label it as a complaint. They tell you to leave your feedback in a box next to the door on the way out but the people reading them are being paid to care and its not the same. It isn’t like taking a load off your chest buy opening trap doors in your quirky little head to solutions that only you could find and never implement. the level of shit that you can talk about serious issues is controlled and it’s so closely monitored that if you slip up, someone will catch you out, you will receive a mouthful to send you on a guilt trip and you will look like an asshole. Crying about your emotions is so easy, nobody can tell you not to feel what you feel and you can say whatever you want about it and it will be real. anyway, my point is, shit got real serious for me for a while there and I didn’t feel comfortable being openly sad about yet another figment of my imagination. I was doing myself an injustice by keeping away from the only vice that didn’t poison my soul. I had forgotten that the things I care about actually matter too, even if it is just to me and nobody else. I’m back now and i’m really gonna try not to forget about what I love doing. 

[5340906]

I loved a lot of boys who didn’t love me back. I loved boys who didn’t know I loved them. Boys who trusted me to trust them. Boys who didn’t think of me when they got home, or even much when we were together. Boys who didn’t try to know me, they just did. I loved boys who laughed at my hurt, who made me feel sad, made me feel like less than I was. They all left me before and I still stood firmly on my own feet. Now you’re here and you hold me the right way and answer my questions properly. You shelter me when it rains and buy me gelato. You always have the same song stuck in your head as I do. We talk about simple things and for once it doesn’t bother me. We lay comfortably in silences and you try to work out if I’m worth the effort. You shovel through parts of my mind only to hit corners but that’s not your fault. I find myself holding back and I think it’s because this time it’s different, you could really break me. You could be the one that finally sends me crashing. I’m so badly hoping you’ll prove me wrong, I don’t want to ruin a good thing before we give it the chance to be truly outstanding.

This was before you proved me right, just like all the boys before you (l.w)

[5340906]

It’s over sooner than it started and now I struggle to know how your voice sounds in my head when I remember conversations that we used to have. Our love was momentary and it came hard and fast and then you left so slowly. Now you still leave postcards at my doorstep and I can’t read them without trying to remember what you sound like and it’s such a strange feeling. It’s like I miss you but that’s okay because I don’t need to love you anymore, I always will but I don’t need to. I wished you’d always be here but I got used to it when you weren’t and we still talk but not with the same heat that we did before. Now all I get is postcards and the odd update when I go online and that’s often enough for me. It’s not strange for the wind to change direction and just like that, it did so for us. You really did steal my heart for a moment though and I guess this is my way of saying thank you for giving it back to me.

Naturally, no (l.w)

[5340906]

In the darkness we were clumsy and your hands fumbled along the edges of my face, learning my lines and warming me all over. You spent time trapping my words with your tongue and I wanted to know so much more about you. An encounter that lasted the night but felt so much shorter than any other evening I'd experienced in the winter. I want to hold your hand again and go places with you. I want the seasons to change with your hand in mine.

Stranger, what did you do to me? (l.w)