The Life I Dreamed
written for @crash-that-helicopter-week! Crossposted to AO3
Summary: Tommy dreams of his perfect life, but something isn't quite right.
Word Count: 3k
Contains: Coma Dreams, Angst with a happy ending
Tommy smiles, watching Evan at the stove. He’d told Tommy what he was making, but Tommy’s already forgotten, more interested in watching his husband in an apron. Evan turns around and narrows his eyes playfully.
“What are you looking at, Mr. Kinard?”
“Just the most handsome man in the world, Mr. Kinard.” Tommy answers, smile growing.
Evan shakes his head, but Tommy can see his blush and the pleased curl of his lips.
“Breakfast’ll be ready in five, why don’t you set the patio table?”
“Sure,” He says, stepping around the kitchen island and wrapping an arm around Evan’s waist.
He tips Evan back slightly before kissing him, swallowing Evan’s soft moan.
“What was that for?” Evan asks once he’s upright again.
“Always gotta kiss the cook.” Tommy winks at him before collecting the dishes and carrying them out.
It’s a perfect day outside, just the right temperature, and the sky is a inviting shade of blue.
“Hey,” Tommy calls back through the open door, “Why don’t we take the helicopter out later? We can hop up to Monterey, get dinner at the place you like.”
But Tommy doesn’t hear Evan’s answer, the words blocked by the sudden spike of pain in his temple.
“Fuck,” He hisses, plates shattering at his feet as he clutches his head.
He can hear strange noises, something beeping and someone talking. “Tommy. Come back Tommy.”
*
When he comes to, blinking the pain away, he’s sitting across a table from Evan. He looks around, confusion wrinkling his brow.
“Where are we?”
Evan just laughs, “Okay, Mr. Comedian. Like you don’t remember bring me to the hottest new restaurant in LA for our anniversary.”
“I,” Tommy pauses, trying to remember. The memories come to him slowly, vague and misshapen. They'd been…in the kitchen when Tommy had asked.
“Hey,” Evan leans across the table, taking his hand, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” Tommy shakes his head, offering Evan a weak smile, “I'm fine. Just a little tired.”
“You sure? We can go.”
“No! It's okay. I'm okay. We waited months for these reservations, lets make the most of it.” He smiles wider, trying to be okay. But something nags at him, somethings wrong.
*
He keeps loosing time, bits and pieces of his days. Sometimes he wakes up days after he went to sleep with only shadowy memories of what happened. Evan always greets him with a smile, talking about the things he can only half remember. If he thinks about it too hard, he can faintly hear the beeping.
“Hey,” Evan slips his hand into Tommy's as they walk through the park. “I'm worried about you.”
“About me?” Tommy laughs, “I'm not the one surrounded by six year olds every day.”
Evan smiles, dimple flashing, “Okay, M Construction worker, you're always totally at work,” His smile fades. “I'm serious though. You don't seem like you're fully here and the brain fog seems to be getting worse.”
Tommy wants to argue, opens his mouth to in fact, but Buck flashes him the puppy eyes and Tommy sighs instead. “I'll call the doctor first thing tomorrow.”
* The doctor clears him, diagnoses him with a b12 deficiency and tells him to cut back on the caffeine. Tommy starts hearing the beeping in his dreams. He hears the voice then too. Tommy. Please Tommy. Come back.
He wakes up covered in sweat, chest heaving. Evan sleeps soundly next to him.
He slips out of the bed, hissing quietly when his feet hit the floor. Softly, he pads to the window, looking out into the night.
Tommy. Tommy. Tommy!
“Tommy!”
He jerks, turning at the sounds of Evan's voice. Sunlight streams in behind him.
“Hey, you ready?” Evan asks, grinning.
“Yeah, absolutely.” Tommy smiles back, trying.
Evan reaches out for him, setting his hands on Tommy's broad shoulders.
“Hey,” he says softly, “Today's a big day. It's okay to be nervous.”
“I'm not nervous.”
Evan leans in, eyes twinkling, “I am.”
It eases something in Tommy's chest and he chuckles. “Okay, I am too. Just a little.”
It's a quiet drive, LA traffic cooperating for once. Tommy and Evan hold hands the whole way there, fingers interlaced over the gear shift. Tommy can feel Evan vibrating and feels himself smile fondly.
“It's going to be good.”
“I know, but,” Tommy risks a glance over and sees the anxiety in Evan's eyes.
“Hey, nervous together right?”
Evan smiles at that, nodding, “Nervous together.”
Tommy pulls into a parking lot and finds a spot blessedly close to the door.
“Look at that,” He turns to smile at Evan, “That's a sign from the universe. It's going to be a good visit.”
“Yeah, of course.”
“Hey,” Tommy reaches over and cups Evan's face, “Let's take a couple deep breaths together and then we'll go in.”
Together they take a long, deep breath and then slowly let it out. And then they repeat it.
“Ready?” Tommy asks.
“Ready.”
Tommy blinks and they’re inside, the social worker leading them into a cozy playroom.
“If you’ll wait here, I’ll be right back.”
Tommy slides his hands into his pockets as he walks the perimeter of the room, looking at the bright artwork along the walls. Evan sits on the couch, shifts for a moment, and then stands back up. Tommy pauses, watching Evan repeat the process with one of the armchairs and then with the second armchair.
“Evan.” He say softly, crossing back to his husband. “They’re going to love us.”
“But what if they don’t?” Evan says, “You know, I was doing some research last night and in the state of California, adoption failures account for,”
“Evan,” Tommy says softly, crouching next to him. He takes Evan’s hands in his, running his thumb over Evan’s wedding band. “There is no way they’re not going to love you as much as I do.”
He talks Evan out of his anxiety spiral, smiling softly at him the whole time. Then there’s the sound of footsteps in the hallway.
“Here we go.”
The door opens, spewing bright light into the room. Tommy winces at the sudden dart of pain in his head, the beeping all he can hear for a moment. When his vision clears, he expects to be somewhere else, but he’s still in the playroom, the social worker stepping into the room. She smiles at them as another social worker steps in behind her.
“Hello, Evan, Tommy, I’d like you to meet Elizabeth.” She shifts, showing off the baby in her arms.
Elizabeth blinks open her eyes and then yawns. Behind the social worker, a young boy peers around her leg.
“And this is Lewis.” She turns so they can see the boy better.
"Hey there.” Tommy shifts, not rising out of his crouch. “I’m Tommy.” He offers a hand to Lewis.
“Go on,” The social worker encourages him, “Go say hi.”
Slowly Lewis peeks further out and then steps around the social worker. He looks at Tommy’s big hand curiously before carefully taking it with his own.
Tommy looks up at Evan and sees the social worker placing the small pink bundle in his hands. Something constricts in Tommy’s chest at the sight. Evan meets his gaze and smiles. Tommy blinks, trying to fight off the tears he can feel gathering.
Lewis tugs on Tommy’s hand pulling his attention back. When Tommy looks at him, Lewis points to the play mats.
“Can we play helicopters?”
Tommy smiles at him, “Of course. You know,” he says as the make their way over, “Evan and I have a helicopter.”
Lewis turns to look at him with wide, delighted eyes, “No way!”
*
Tommy stops loosing time after that. He still hears the beeping, but it’s fainter and easier to ignore. Not that he has much time to think about it with a new baby and toddler in the house. The first weeks are exhausting and demanding, leaving sleeping like the dead most nights. But as their routine settles, so do the kids.
Tommy takes the wine glass from Evan and settles back against the pillows. Evan slips into bed next to him, instinctively curling into Tommy’s side. Tommy wraps an arm around him, pulling him closer.
“To surviving our first month of parenthood.” Evan says, clinking his glass against Tommy’s.
“And to all the months to come.” Tommy sips his wine, looking at his husband.
Evan smiles at him and then reaches out to take Tommy’s left hand. The angle is a little odd, but it’s worth it to see their wedding bands gleaming together.
“You know, I think we might just have the perfect life.” He says, looking at Tommy with a twinkle in his eyes.
Tommy nods, “I think you might just be right.” He shifts, tilting his head, and kisses Evan.
The wine ends up forgotten on the nightstand.
*
The storm builds out of no where. Endlessly blue sky suddenly turn a vicious, angry green as dark clouds obscure the sun. Thunder shakes the house likes it’s trying to relocate it.
Tommy bounces Elizabeth as she screams her rage in answer. Evan settles Lewis in their bed before coming back out.
“Forecast says that it’s supposed to be like this the rest of the day.” Tommy says, glancing at him.
“Where did this even come from?” Evan asks, frowning out the window.
“Probably blew in from the sea.” Then he sighs, “Can you take her? I don’t think she’s going to settle without Mr. Moose.”
“I can go get him.”
“No,” Tommy stops him, “Stay in here with the kids, where it’s safe and dry. I’ll be right back.”
They exchange a kiss over Elizabeth, before Tommy turns. He hears Evan talking softly behind him, Elizabeth crying in answer.
At the front door, Tommy takes a deep breath and then darts out into downpour. He can barely make out the car on the driveway through the rain, stumbling against the gusts of wind. He nearly falls twice before he makes it to the car. Quickly, he collects Mr. Moose, slipping the stuffed animal under his shirt to try to keep it dry, and then turns back to the house. Lightening strikes their yard in a blinding display. Thunder cracks overhead. Tommy hears a voice in the howling wind.
“Tommy! Tommy, please!” He frowns, trying to blink his vision back. The voice sounds like Evan when he’s been crying.
Tommy pushes forward, suddenly terrified something happened in the brief time he’s been gone from the house. When he makes it back to the front door, it finds it cracked open. Anxiety twists hard in his heart.
“Evan?” He calls pushing it open.
The house on the other side is dark.
“Evan? Did we lose power?” Tommy steps across the threshold. The sounds of the storm die.
No one answers his call.
“Evan! Lewis!” He can’t hear Elizabeth crying anymore.
He catches the clock out of the corner of his eye, he’s only been gone a few minutes.
Lightening strikes, rattling the house. Tommy feels a bolt of pain in his chest.
“Tommy!”
“EVAN!” He yells.
He bursts into their bedroom, but it’s empty, the bed perfectly made. Lewis’ room and the nursery are the same. Empty room after empty room greets him as he shoves open door after door.
“Evan! Evan, baby, where are you?”
But there’s no answer. Thunder rumbles ominously overhead, a predator lying in wait.
Tommy hits his knees in the living room, pressing his hands to his mouth. He hadn’t realized he’d started crying.
“Evan.” He gasps. “I was only gone a few minutes. Evan!” Lightening lights up the sky, distant again, for now.
“Tommy?” He whirls at the sound of his name.
“Evan.” He sighs, wrecked, reaching for his husband, “Where were you?”
Evan tilts his head, confused, “We’ve been in the bedroom. We lost power right after you went to get Mr. Moose, so I figured it was best if we all stayed together.”
Tommy shakes his head, not sure what to believe. Lightening fills the room. Tommy gasps in pain, Evan blinks out of existence before him. The overwhelming sound of beeping fills Tommy’s ears. Tommy feels like he’s disconnecting from the world.
“Tommy. Come back to me, please.”
“Evan,” He gasps.
The light fades and Evan is standing before him again, “Tommy?”
A bright flash of light and another jolt of pain. Tommy presses a hand to his aching chest.
“No!” He reaches the other hand to where Evan had been, “No!”
“Tommy!” “Tommy!”
The world around him is starting to fade.
“No! Please.” He cries.
A ghostly Evan smiles at him, “It’s time for you to go.”
“Please, Evan,” Tommy sobs as another jolt of pain rocks him, “Please, I want to stay!”
Tommy feels like he’s being hit in the chest by a hammer, over and over again.
“Tommy! Come back!” It’s definitely Evan’s voice, but not the Evan in front of him.
“Please.” Tommy pleads, “I’m sorry I left you. I’ll stay this time! I want to stay!”
Something jerks him backwards, lifting him into the air for a moment. Evan’s still reaching for him.
“You can’t stay here, Tommy.” Evan looks at him, smiling sadly, “You have to go back to him.”
“TOMMY!”
Tommy gasps, jerked further away. “Evan.” He gasps.
“That’s me. Tommy please, you have to fight.”
“Evan.”
“Come back to me!”
Tommy looks at the ghostly Evan, “You’re not real, are you?”
Evan sadly shakes his head, “No, but that’s doesn’t mean you can’t have this.”
Tommy looks at him. “I love you.”
Evan smiles, “I know, but you need to tell him that. Go.”
Tommy lets himself relax into the pain and the insistent tugging.
* He wakes with a gasp, bright light flooding his vision.
“BP is back up, reentering healthy range. Heart rate looks like it’s stabilizing.” A faint voice says.
“Tommy.”
“Evan.” He reaches out blindly and feels Evan take his hand. “I came back.”
He hears Evan sniffle, “You came back.” He agrees.
“Want,” Words are suddenly hard, he’s drifting away from consciousness, “To stay.”
*
When he wakes again, there’s a soft light filtering into the room and a large hand wrapped around his own.
“Evan?” He croaks, squinting against the gentle light.
“Tommy!”
“Too loud. Too bright.”
“Oh! Hold on.” Evan leaves his side and a moment later the light lessens.
Tommy manages to open his eyes without squinting and there Evan is, standing at his bedside, real and smiling at him.
“Hey,” Evan says, pitching his voice low.
“Hey,” Tommy answers. As he watches, Evan starts to cry, “No, don’t do that.” Tommy struggles to sit up.
“I just,” Evan squeezes his eyes shut, trying to stop the flow of tears, “I was so worried. And then you wouldn’t wake up. And I just, I thought,” He sobs, “I thought you weren’t coming back.”
“Evan,” He collects Evan against him as best he can with all the things coming off him, “Hey, I’m right here. I came back.” He rubs Evan’s back, “Tell me what happened.”
Evan takes another moment and the pulls back, wiping his eyes. He takes a steadying breath and then nods, “Um, you were on a routine patrol.”
Tommy nods, “I remember. It had been a slow day, so I offered to go out, just fly around for a bit. Then,” He winces as his head pounds, but he manages to pull up the memory, “Then I got a radio call, bad weather was coming in. It hadn’t been on the radar, but it was building fast.”
Evan nods, “The report says that you had turned around, heading back to Harbor base.”
“Yeah,” Tommy’s eyes narrow as he tries to remember, “I’d just turned around, the wind came up hard. I was…fighting to stay upright. After that it’s just blank.”
Evan takes his hand, squeezing gently, “There was a lightening strike to your helicopter. Report says the engines failed almost instantly. You managed to get the mayday signal turned on as you went down. They found you caught in the rocks, you were nearly underwater. They managed to get you out and brought you here.”
Tommy frowns, “How long?”
Evan shakes his head, “Don’t worry about…”
“Evan, how long have I been here? How long was I out?”
Evan looks away and then back at him, “It’s been a week.”
Tommy swears, “A week?!” He looks at Evan then, sees the deep circles under his eyes, “How long have you been here?”
Evan coughs, turning his head away, “A week. Um, Lucy called me when they brought you in. She thought I should know.”
“Evan,” Tommy sighs.
“I’ll clear out, now that you’re awake. I know,” He pauses, “I know you probably don’t want to see me. You made that pretty clear, actually, last time I saw you.”
Tommy squeezes his eyes shut, fighting the pain in his heart, “Evan, look at me.”
It takes moment, but then Evan turns to look at him. He tries to tug his hand back, but Tommy tightens his grip.
“Evan, I’m sorry. I was an asshole.” Evan laughs, the sound edged with tears, “I was. The things I said to you…I was wrong.”
“Tommy.”
“Let me finish, please. Please.”
Evan sighs, and then nods, “Okay. Go on.” He takes his seat again,
“I was so scared that you’d leave me, so I left first.” Tommy takes a deep breath, “I didn’t want to get hurt, so I hurt you first. And that wasn’t fair to either of us.”
“You left twice.”
Tommy nods, “I did.”
“Why should I believe that you won’t leave a third time?”
“Because I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you,” Tommy pauses, “Evan.”
He smiles shyly at that, a soft tilting up of his lips, “The rest of your life?”
“Every minute, every day, if you let me stay.”
Evan leans forward, tilting his head, “I think I should get two get out of jail frees.”
“One.” Tommy winces as he leans forward, but he’s smiling.
“How come?”
“Well,” Tommy grins, “I did steal that helicopter for you that one time.”
Evan closes that last few inches, “That’s true. Alright, one get out of jail free and you spend the rest the rest of our lives making it up to me.”
“Deal.” Tommy tilts his head and kisses Evan.
When he pulls back, Evan smiles at him, sunshine bright, “I missed you.” He says softly.
“I missed you too.”
