A little bit ago I received a lovely question in which my partner wanted to ask me which is the love language I best receive. I went through all of them verbally to try to figure it out, but then every one I could come up with had a caveat. "Oh, well so long as it's not done too often/insincerely". "Oh, well so long as I don't need to compensate later with x" "Oh, rarely it works but my brain goes funky most times and so it can actually trigger bad memories/feelings.." and I realized that every one of the love languages I have some damage around.
I have something messing up my sensors in every love language, and it made me wonder if I have that concept that anti-depressants do. Where certain medications block your sensors/reintake systems for dopamine and serotonin specifically, and so there's a buildup of these things and so you get to 'normal' levels of these chemicals you need. But at what measure do we 'need' love? What if my sensors and reuptake in my brain are just fucked so I'm just Drowning in these emotions to feel anything. Imagine I need just, Excess in order to feel these things properly so I've learned that the only things that hit me properly are the massive things so then I only preform the massive things which hit people So Damn Hard. I wonder sometimes how much my trauma responses and ingrained training are what cause people to be enamored with me. Those things that unhealthy partners put into me with unreasonable or disproportionate responses and expectations so I learned to never make that mistake again or Always be extra and excellent because if I don't I'm A Bad Boyfriend And I Should Be Alone. It's a little fucked to consider that the most gorgeous parts of me are my scars. But it may be more like I took what hurt and I adjusted around it. I took a tattoo needle to those scars and made them so damn pretty and picturesque and intriguing so you just want to lean in and see more. Even then though it feels poor, that these things that are so interesting did come from me but were a response to such Pain.
You took pain and grew it into beauty, perhaps. But the fact remains is that that pain is still there unfortunately, there is still that fear and that worry that if you healed from the pain completely that you'd be less desirable. If you weren't up and ready to Be There for someone because there is fear in your footsteps that you might not when someone needs you or that you might not be good enough to be attractive if you weren't held in place by such painful pins. But you must heal, it is inevitable. And once you do it's decently unlikely that the people around you are just going to evaporate. It's unlikely you're never gonna find someone again. You're simply learning how to love sustainably. And that's ok.
