I left High School last June. I still miss it, weirdly. Not all the kids (although I liked them more as a 20 year old than I did as a bullied 10 year old). The kids on my bus all smelled weird, sounded weird and made inappropriate jokes. I was 20 and they were like 16. One of them was once reprimanded for saying the N word. He was weird. He cursed under his breath, listened to psychedelic sounding synth music and smelled like smoke. There was another kid who had a speech impediment or something and loved trains and military history. He seemed to like the british a lot. There was a third kid who made tasteless jokes (often seeking to joke about praising Hitler to seem edgy). And he seemed like he had an…interesting life. They all did, really. I felt like I was viewing their world, even if I hated it. It made bus rides interesting.
The fact I wrote all this shows I must clearly be missing High School, huh? I suppose I do. High School wasn't perfect. It was full of noisy kids, it was long hours, it was sometimes tiresome. But High School was consistent and just comfortable. I was in School from the age of 4 or 5. School was always the same. Wake up early, go to school, read at school, go home and unwind. That was my story from grade 1 to grade 12. Elementary School to High School.
Even when I was bullied, School was routine. I hated being bullied. I hated it so much. But I also never wanted to leave school. School was where I could read. School was a place to be during the day. School was where I knew teachers who were nice (even if I had one or two horrible ones). School was a really nice place for me. And I realize that I probably do still hold a deep torch for it.
If me and my dad do choose to go visit the High School next week…I don't know how to feel. I'd be happy to see everyone (even the teacher who was nice but condescending). But I also worry I'd be emotional, too. A lot of emotions come to me thinking about all this. It's just amazing (and a little distressing) that 12 months went by so fast.
I can't believe it all went by so fast. Too fast, in my opinion. Me and my dad had to go to the College today to pick up some clothing, and even that really got to me emotionally. I didn't cry or nothing. But just being there and realizing that so much time had passed…it really threw me off and made me feel uncomfortable. I can't believe so much time has passed. It shouldn't have passed this fast. And the dark cloudy skies outside really aren't helping my mood any.
It's really dark and cloudy outside my bedroom window. The wind is whipping at this big tree outside the window, and it smacks into the window panes and it really freaks me out. I hate stormy weather. I hate it clear and bright outside, no dark clouds or strong winds to terrify me and ravage my wit's and my nerves.
It's not all about my bad nerves, though. It's not all bad nerves and sadness over missing High School. There's more to it than just that. The bad nerves about the winds and the dark weather is particularly bad because we had a massive storm a month ago, and the storm resulted in harsh winds, tornado warnings, a tree falling in our yard and us losing power from 5:30 pm until 1 am. If not for my dad, my bad nerves surrounding stormy weather would've already led me to a complete nervous collapse. That awareness leads into another one of my stressors, though. The fear that I'll one day be all alone and I'll have nobody like my dad in my life…it scares me. I want to have a permanent caretaker figure. A friend to emotionally support me, someone to help me handle the many tasks I can't do myself. I need someone like that in my life, and I worry about not having that.
And to bring it back to school…I miss High School for many reasons. I miss being able to read there. Especially since I can't seem to ever focus to read physical books at home. I miss the consistency and the routine of it. I'm glad I get to be home more often, sure. But I also don't like how College has no consistency whatsoever (especially when you compare it to High School). I miss the small things which were of shocking importance to me. I miss all that stuff. And knowing 12 months has passed since I lost High School…it throws me for a loop.
