I am a consumer being consumed.
I am the maker of my own doom.
I search for stars at night, sometimes they’re there. Other times all I see is an empty stare looking back at me.
What is out there? Can it hear my cries and pleas?
My brain is foggy and I’m messed up inside. Never tried dying, though I stab myself in the heart every day from the words I think and the reality I’ve created for myself.
Accountability, Responsibility, and Forgiveness are themes in my best interest to succeed on this quiet quest to happiness and self love. I’m homesick for the organized clutter I once spent many years putting back together. When things come together it seems like they soon just fall apart again.
I feel like I’ve lost my touch and tune to my own drum. It’s flying high above me somewhere, stuck in a tree or floating on a cloud. I just have to reach out, whether it be by a latter or wings that have been gifted to me.
This is how it goes. I get sick of it, and finally have enough. Of the excuses, of reliving the pain, of holding on, of wishing, of sleeping, of allowing myself to be consumed by parts of my life that have been put to rest. Or so I thought they were. Turns out the demons come back to play once in a while. They miss the sweet dance and rhythm of misfortune and being dealt a bad deck. Even though the cards have been played, they insist on coming up with new games. Lately my poker face has not been deceiving. If I blink twice, know that I am okay.
Know that I am on my way to finding the light at the end. That my friends, should be a never ending search.