#academic expectations

[iknowyouhave20dolllars]

Tw vent lol

While looking for paint to paint my journal as the winter soldier book, I found my mums old art book. I knew that my mum likes art but damn she was really good! Like theres proper studies and collages from years ago. It kinda breaks my heart a bit cuz

A) I barely knew about it either that that shes good at drawing

B) that all her supplies just sit in our cupboards around the house

C) we have a huge unfinished canvas behind our sofa thats been there for years cuz she never has the time to finish it!

She was also really invested in Van Gogh when we went to see the exhibit in London and I thought it was just a sort of mumsy, millennial thing but nah she used to be dedicated to this stuff.

Obviously any art is hard to get into and make money off of but it’s still sad that she doesn’t do it anymore and theres so much wasted potential 😭

Also I’m so glad my family is an ‘arts family’ compared to ‘sports families’ cuz my dad used to play guitar (again he doesn’t anymore and idk if he was any good) so me and my siblings have always been encouraged to play instruments. Although we (at least me and my sister) have always been pressured to do these things even if we enjoy it.

(This is literally a vent now but)

Also my dad, mum and sister all have masters and degrees in stuff and basically everyone is really smart and overachieving so I feel like as the youngest I have so much to live up so especially when they already say I’m the smartest kid and I have the widest range of talents and skills, which I think is true but I feel like I’m going to get burnt out and disappoint everyone when I get older.

Also one of the reasons I’m good at almost everything I put my mind to (aside from the fact that its because that’s the type of autism I have lol) is because I feel like I need to be, because I need to be the best at EVERYTHING. And since Iv always been like this, once I had started it have to go all the way.

(Again because I’m neurodivergent) I go through phases of interests/hyper-fixations so I’ve tried so many hobbies and arts, so I hope I can make a career out of those so I don’t have to live up to the academic high bar that I’ll probably never reach or will but I’ll be unhappy and end up like my mum where I can’t actually do what I love!

Anyways, I’m waiting for paint to dry and dont talk to anyone so that’s what that was lol 😭

[festeringluv]

there are times when i get so sick of myself and everything around me i wish that i could just erase myself, turn into dust and get thrown away. go to places only when im kicked forward.

do the tiles remember all the steps people walked on them? did they love the feet that stamped them? do people love people even after being walked all over like a raccoon under a car in the death of day?

i wonder where i would go now that im noticed. she thinks im a good person and now i have to be better to make her keep thinking that im good. i've already shattered dreams and expectations like cheap beer bottles. i don't want her to know who i am because even i have not an idea on who i am. i want her to keep thinking i am good so that she doesn't expect more. the burden is already too heavy. my shoulders are aching and the road is still a million miles.

it'll always be a million miles.

[what-a-silver-lining]

I'm going to fail this class unless I get over a 90 on the final exam.

If I fail I can retake it in the spring. If I get a C I can recover my GPA through easier elective classes.

Regardless of what happens, I'll never take stem classes in the summer again.

I'm going to be okay.

I'm going to be okay.

[parcelling-healthcarecon-tfs]

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