#ace separatism

[acey-lovely]

when i see other ace people say "im ace and i have sex but im still ace!" I honestly want to ask them: Why are you ace?

And its not a trick question or an insult or anything! I'm honestly seriously confused. Why is it important that you call yourself ace? What are you communicating by telling others you're ace?

When i say im ace, I'm communicating the fact that I have no desire for a relationship. I do not experience attraction to anyone.

But I've had ace people, especially on my discourse posts, say things like "im ace and i love having sex!" or "you can be ace and still want sex" and to those people I want to ask: What does "ace" mean to you? Why identify as ace if you want sex? How do you define "sexual attraction" if its not the desire to have sex with someone?

[mint-chocolatey-chip]

The thing about cultural issues with aromanticism (and asexuality I believe?) is that it affects cishet people more than it affects lgbt people

Homophobes want you to be aro/ace if you’re same gender attracted. They want you to be celibate and call off dating, and even more, they want you to not even want those things.

But if you’re a cishet? You can’t be friends with someone of the “opposite” gender without it being “weird.” You can’t sleep in the same bed, you can’t cuddle, women can’t blame their male friends for falling for them and expecting it to be reciprocated because “what did you expect?”

An aromantic gay cis person could have Christian family members tell them that their gayness is okay because it’s only behind closed doors and they won’t be trying to get married or hold hands with anyone to cause them public shame. An asexual gay cis person in that same family could be told that their gayness is okay because it’s not like the other deviant, over-sexual disgusting and diseased ‘homosexuals.’

In those situations, their aro/aceness is used as a weapon of homophobia. Yes, it is a problem. But it is a problem of homophobia, not aphobia.

That same person could be an aromantic cishet, and suddenly it’s a problem that they don’t want to date and only want to have sex partners or close friends. (This argument doesn’t stand with asexuality because these kinds of Christians literally hold not having sex as the ideal)

In that situation, there is a problem. But the problem is aphobia, not homophobia. There is also misogyny involved, which is deeply intertwined with aphobia in the way that transphobia and homophobia are deeply intertwined.

This isn’t just in fundamental Christian households either, you see it in the media too. SGA characters are killed off or break up or SOMETHING to keep them from being with characters of the same gender. But cishet characters are always forced into relationships with each other no matter how little chemistry they have. There’s always these unnecessary sex scenes and sexualization of women regardless if it’s relevant to the story or not.

And I am not saying this to diminish the importance of talking about aphobia. It is important to talk about, no matter who it affects. Aphobia is HEAVILY caused by and involved in misogyny, and it definitely is something that needs to be discussed like any other feminist issue.

But this is a point about it that I haven’t seen brought up before.

This is also why I feel like a separate ace/aro community could do a lot more to embrace and accept cishet aces/aros who need that. They wouldn’t have to worry about “not being LGBT enough.” We would accept them, LGBT or not.

[mint-chocolatey-chip]

I have like 20 followers because this is a new blog so I doubt this will get any attention but I’ve been wanting to make a post like this bc I want more people to follow

If you’re exclusionist but you support ace/aro people creating their own spaces and believe that the ace/aro community deserves to exist and have resources because aphobia is an issue (not oppression, but interpersonal issues that do affect people’s lives) and you do NOT think being ace/aro is cringey/stupid/lame

and/or youre ace/aro and also an exclusionist

Then like/reblog if you want to?

Terfs and transmeds need not apply, inclus clowning on this post will be blocked

[mint-chocolatey-chip]

unpopular opinion but I believe celibate people and people who choose not to date should be part of the ace/aro community.

Why is there a need for an ace/aro community at all? Well, it should be to support adults who struggle due to our society’s demands of being in sexual and romantic relationships. It truly does not matter if someone wants sex/romance, if they choose not to have it then they’re still going to have problems because of these demands.

Someone who wants to have sex but chooses not to for any reason, including trauma issues or religious practices or mental health reasons or whatever, they’re still going to have the same issues of “what do I tell people who ask me out” and “how do I explain this to my friends who ask me about my sex life” and “am I lacking something critical in my life because of this” and “should I be embarrassed about this / am I childish for being like this”

These are things ace people and celibate people who aren’t ace deal with.

This is why I always say “ace/aro people and those who would benefit from ace/aro resources.” Because it’s not just about those who don’t have sexual/romantic attraction. It’s also about the people who struggle with their attraction, people who don’t know what their attraction is, and people who don’t want to act on their attraction.

Also see my post about how aphobia affects cishets more than LGBT people (and why it’s still important to talk about)

[mint-chocolatey-chip]

Hey uh as an ace person? Shut the absolute fuck up with this acting like sexual attraction is some disease/demonic/inhuman thing.

There are people who are actually oppressed for their sexual attraction. People who are actually killed and told that they are diseased because they have sexual attraction to the same gender.

Like I get the appeal of acting like everyone but you is weird if you’re in the minority about a thing, but you are actually a vile person if you say shit like this. You don’t give a fuck about homophobia. And if you’re gay or bi then you have a ton of internalized homophobia that you’re parroting and it is actively hurting people.

There is no excuse for this shit.

[mint-chocolatey-chip]

The way inclusionist reasoning works ultimately says that there is no non-LGBT. Everyone is potentially LGBT in some way, it is only about whether they choose to accept that or not.

I see the appeal of that argument tbh, even if I don’t agree with it.

[mint-chocolatey-chip]

What ace/aro people and the people who relate to that need is a space to talk about how it’s okay to not want to date or have sex

We need a space to express our frustrations with our society’s obsession with sex and romance

But doing that in a space where people come together to embrace their sexual and romantic desires that are hated because it’s to people of the same gender or because their attraction is considered disgusting bc they are trans — that just isnt going to work out

One group of people needs to hear “it’s okay to not be in a relationship or have sex” and hearing “it’s okay to love and desire sex” instead is not going to be helpful

And the other group of people needs to hear “your desire for love and sex is beautiful” and hearing “it’s okay to not have that desire” instead is not going to be helpful — and very well might be hurtful because these people hear that same thing from those who will do anything (perhaps even torture them!) to get them to stop having those desires

The two groups’ needs conflict in that way.

[mint-chocolatey-chip]

It’s so hard to find people that talk about ace resources and needs in proper detail without it’s validation hinged to needing to be lgbt every sec and resemble lgbt culture every sec. And when people do this, it often tramples on valuable discussion that could be had about aceness because people are afraid that somehow it devalues aro/ace experiences and needs of they don’t.

Exactly. People are so obsessed with aces/aros being LGBT that it actively hurts the efforts to create an actually beneficial ace/aro community. Ace/aro is not about identity or about validation or anything like that, it doesn’t matter if you identify as ace or aro, all that matters is whether you struggle with society’s demands of being in romantic/sexual relationships.

But you’re right, people act like I’m ace/arophobic even though I’m an actual asexual person who wants to have an actual community where I can talk about this and get support for it. But all I have is my local lgbt club that 1) makes gay and bi people feel bad for talking about their same-gender attraction around aces/aros, and 2) doesn’t actually give ANY resources to ace/aro people other than “you’re valid uwu”