You may have answered this before but I just came across your blog today and I've been struggling with my sexuality for the last few months but I think it's safe for me to say I identify under the asexual umbrella. But... I don't really have supportive friends in the way that I need. When I told one I think I figured it out they just responded with an emoji when really I want to talk about it... so is there somewhere to get this kind of support? It's been a huge struggle and I feel ignored? Ty
I can see how your friend’s lackluster reply can be disheartening. I have a few community resources for you:
Ace Space chat room for asexuals
Aces Over Twenty chat room for older asexuals
Ace Space chatroom but on Skype
Aces By Location Spreadsheet!
Asexual Pen Pal (not a dating project)
There are also the occasional ace Movie Nights, Game Nights, and Tea Parties hosted by @theasexualityblog all of the resources in this post are managed by her :3
You can also start to connect with other asexual blogs, and make a network of ace friends that way.
There is also a smartphone app called Meetup, its free to use and it looks for people with similar interested based on your GPS location. You can search for irl asexual groups (that’s what I did it was the best decision I’ve ever made!). Or if you’re feeling proactive you could start your own group, and you may have asexual people come to you. Either way I hope one of these resources help
I'm 28 and I came out to my therapist today. it went really, really well. She admitted that she isn't very familiar with the ace spectrum and asked a lot of reasonable, non-judgmental questions and wrote down the resources I told her about to study up. I'm not really out to a whole lot of people so this was really validating for me, and I'm so glad I don't have to hide myself in therapy. Hooray for medical professionals who are supportive of us!!
Hi Anon! Thats great news that she was accommodating in researching so she can understand better and that she was supportive too. Its great when people take the time to understand better instead of sweeping it aside. Ace spectrum identities can sometimes go misunderstood or invalidated within medical professional circles, so this is a really positive step your therapist took in order to validate your sexual identity. I hope that she continues to give you the same level of support and encouragement within your therapy and I hope that coming out to her has given you a boost in confidence if or when you choose to come out to other people too. Best of luck with your therapy - mod Riley
First and foremost, I speak only for myself. I don’t claim to be any type of spokesperson for the Asexual or Agender community.
A little about me: I’m 35, dfab, panromantic, asexual, agender and I’m a parent. I have a kiddo who will be 4 in February. It happened the old fashioned way. I used to have a decent libido but for the past 10-12 years, it’s faded and I’m more than happy with the idea of never having sex. I’m not missing anything. I don’t particularly enjoy it most of the time, it’s just “meh”. My very first time was when I was 18 and my overall impression was “That’s it? What’s the big hype over that?” I understand arousal and physical pleasure. I’m not saying it’s not a good feeling when you’re in the right state of mind and with the right partner. It’s just that I’ve got other things I’d rather be doing.
But back to the parent part of this. We had been married for 10 years and we both wanted to have a family that didn’t consist of just the 4 legged furry variety. Part of me really wanted it and part of me was terrified at the thought. I was the one doing all the work. It was my health at stake. It was my body that would be changing. I’d been around kids quite a lot but having one of your own is a whole new ballgame. When I got pregnant, it was exciting. I was lucky and never had any type of morning sickness or complications. We waited until the 3 month mark before we told anyone. I enjoyed the whole pregnancy. Feeling a tiny person inside your body moving around is the absolutely weirdest feeling imaginable. It’s highly amusing but still extremely weird.
I won’t go into detail this time about the birth process but yeah, it hurt. The memory of the pain faded but the memory of the exhaustion is still with me. I also won’t mention how many people saw various naked parts of me though the ordeal but in the moment, there really is nothing you could care less about.
But that kiddo is my deepest source of pride and joy. I wouldn’t trade him for anything. Who knows? Maybe one day we’ll do it again.
I'm so worried being ace is just a phase, I'm only 17 and when I see people's bios who identify as ace they are all teens or in their early twenties. It's scary and I know people say sexuality is fluid but I only hear people talking that way in terms of being ace/bi/pan. Do you know anyone who's older and identifies as ace???
I’m sorry you feel that way and I have definitely been in the same boat. You’ve heard of people experimenting in college right? That is form of fluid sexuality, you (hopefully) wouldn’t sleep with someone if you weren’t comfortable with having sex with them. Though the reason you hear a lot about fluid sexuality in relation to multisexual and ace people is because many identify differently before discovering a term to describe them or because they feel they can only like one gender so will go from identifying from straight to gay then pan. Another thing is if you develop an issue, experience trauma, or a bunch of other situations, your sexuality could change, often happening to aces. Hope that helps for that part, for the part about if I know any older aces, not really, I’m only 20 myself, you could always check out the acesovertwenty blog, I like to check it out for similar reason as yourself, it’s comforting to see others a lot older than me talking of their experiences.
Just a quick question-is it mandatory to put your city or can you just do state on the form? I'm just a little wary of being too specific on the Internet about my location.
Hello!
Some groupings will be done by location, so putting just your state should be fine!
How does this Creating a Community thing work? Are you guys putting together a groupchat or something more like the ace pen pal project...? Just curious. I'm really grateful that you guys are doing this, btw, I just get nervous about meeting new people sometimes
Hello!
Our team will be grouping people together based on age, preferences chosen, and location. There will be groups of about 8 people per group, and we will contact you all for times you all can meet. We will do the first meet up via google hangout, and you guys can take it from there!
If you have anymore questions feel free to send another ask!
I need to write this down, mainly for myself, to sort out my thoughts and feelings, and have a documentation of what I‘m thinking at this time.
There will be lots of really personal things, so I‘ll put it under the cut.
Sex was a topic thoughout my whole childhood. Not only the doctor games I played with my friends. I knew and practiced masturbation from an early age. It became something that helps me ignore my problems for a couple of minutes.
Up till the age of 18, I believed I was straight. As a child and also in my teens, I always crushed on male friends or celebrities. I knew of homosexuality, but that was something labeled „disgusting“ in my surroundings, so I didn‘t really think about that. I started reading Yaoi Manga at the age of thirteen, which opened my mind for this topic a bit. The main reason were, and still are, the handsome guys though.
Then, when I was 16, the russian band Tatu became famous in the german charts, which I, being a migrant child from Belarus, really liked. Even though they only did the lesbian kissing for show, I started to think it‘s perfectly okay to like people of the same sex. I liked female bodies aesthetically, just as much as I liked males.
Around when I became eighteen, there was a girl in my school, who told me she would fall for me if she didn‘t have a boyfriend. I realized I had a crush on her back then, but didn‘t act upon it, as we only had two weeks left till graduation and lost contact after that. Since then I considered myself bisexual.
In the summer of that year, a guy wrote me in ICQ, and eventually wanted to meet me. Me being the curious person that I still am, I agreed to that and well, let him deflorate me. I didn‘t really like that though. Wasn‘t what I expected at all. I was lucky it didn‘t hurt, but, I did not feel anything. I tried to convince myself that I loved that guy, but he just was not my type. Also I grew to dislike him, because he wanted to make me wear girly clothes, which I hated. So I broke up with him by telling him I was in a relationship with a female friend of mine, which of course wasn‘t true, though I crushed on her a bit.
I then started wearing band shirts and other men‘s clothes, because I was really disgusted by the gazes of men, especially at my boobs. I was disgusted by males in general. But still liked them aesthetically.
An online friend wondered why I disliked the sex and asked me if I was asexual. Hearing that word for the first time, I answered „no I‘n not“. Still believing I was bi and that first guy was just not „the right one“ because I couldn‘t love him. I still hate myself for allowing a random guy to take my virginity.
Later I still mostly crushed on males, as I need to know a girl a bit, before I fall for her. I loved my female best friend for a while, but forgot my feelings after she got herself a boyfriend and stopped being in touch with me. In university, I had a crush on a male sempai, whom my friends told me to forget, because he was weird. I see that now, and has long put him in the friendzone, but back then I found his look attractive. I crush on long haired guys easilly.
I began accepting the thought that I might be asexual back then, even though I didn‘t feel described by the four kinds of asexuals that the german Wiki mentions. I knew there was more to what I was. Because I did fall for people easily and liked porn, even if I was sex repulsed most of the time.
In 2010, me already being 24 years old, another guy wrote me on a chat site I frequent daily. We liked each other quickly and decided to meet up. It was december and christmas market time, and I wanted to see the medieval christmas market at a castle near where I live, so we met there. I totally fell in love with his cute smile. He was the first man that smelled good to me. Most males stink. /:
He noticed that I liked him, but was not really sure whether he wanted to be with me, so after a couple other meetings and getting to know his family, and him being indecisive, I broke contact for a week. Conveniently, I had to do university stuff and was at a friends home so we could work on our film project. After I came back thoug, he asked me if I was still interested, and I invited him home. We watched some Anime and when I stood up from the sofa to put in the next dvd, he suddently caressed my back. It felt so really good. A couple hours later, he kissed me. I didn‘t want him to go, so he stayed the night. Also I couldn‘t get off of him and well he slept in my bed instead of the sofa. It was march 16th, which became our anniversary. More than a month after that I realized I was in a relationship and in love with a boy. Still I considered myself asexual, and I told him so, but I think he didn‘t really care about that. I had him wait for three month until I slept with him. It was awkward. Every time. We didn‘t have sex often, more like once or twice a month, because we only saw each other on the weekends mostly. And I often needed lubrication because my lower body dried out pretty fast. And, well, he didn‘t want sex as often as I thought. Him being a heterosexual man and stuff. I liked sleeping with him, because I could hug him and that was what I loved the most. The sex itself was something I thought I had to, for him. I almost never said no, but there were lots of positions I hated because I really felt humiliated and/or it hurt down there. Also, physically, I still felt nothing most of the time. Nothing or pain. And I hate pain.
Yep, I‘ve never had an orgasm, because even when masturbating, I quickly lose interest or feel disgusted. Recently I stumbled upon a condition called anorgasmia. I think this must be what I have. But there isn‘t even a german word for it, wtf. XD
So, while in that first relationship, that lasted longer than two weeks, I found out about romantic orientation and figured I‘m pan-romantic, because I‘m attracted to humans regardless of their biological gender. After I found out about demisexuality I considered whether it fit me, but didn‘t feel like it. Because I was not sexually attracted to my boyfriend, but certainly aesthetically. And I think, also romantically. Even though I can only describe these feelings as greed, not love.
After we broke up in the beginning of 2015, only a short time before our fourth anniversary, I decided to look more into asexuality and figure myself out.
Thanks to tumblr I found lots of blogs who write about different orientations on the Ace spectrum and I finally understand what being aromantic means. I have yet to figure out whether I‘m really panromantic or actually aro, though. I‘m not sure.
I like cuddling with females and touching their breasts. Most women smell good to me. Most men disgust me still. Even those who look good, sometimes I look at them and only feel disgust. I also can‘t think of people I know have sex with their partners, without having my stomach churn.
But I miss the feeling of being hugged in bed. I want a hug buddy, man or woman or both or neither, I don‘t care as long as they‘re warm. And don‘t want to put any part of their body in mine.
This year I already crushed twice on male people I met. The first one is over fourty but still looks handsome, and has a beautiful smile. I gave up on him because he didn‘t show any interest, and, well, It‘d be troubling for me, if I started anything with an old man. xD
My second crush, which I realized just recently, is a guy my age. He‘s definitely sexual and he knows of my asexuality, even though he didn‘t really ask me any questions about it. He accepted it and seems to be okay with that. Still, he sees me in a sexual way and that terrifies me. I only met him once irl, because he wanted to meet the woman whom he wrote so many mails with, and he seems to still want to meet me another time. He‘s not going online often recently, and that causes lots of anxiety in me. Does he not want to talk to me? Why doesn‘t he say so then? Did he lie when he said he liked me and he feels bad that he can‘t help me with my problems? This is what I‘m thinking all the time. But then, I can‘t help him with his problem. I don‘t even know many girls who are heterosexual and currently single, so hooking him up isn‘t an option. And I‘ve fallen for him myself. When I met him, his smile just killed me. I was totally nervous, which is not normal for me when I meet one person. But well, that might‘ve been his looks. He‘s a total eye candy with his long mane and that smile. I only got as nervous when I met a celebrity I had a crush on. I don‘t really know his smell yet, so I can‘t say whether he smells good or not to me, but he is a smoker, and this is, for me, an absolute no go. So I‘ll se how this goes. If he doesn‘t write me for a few more days, my feelings will start to fade. Which would be a good thing. I don‘t want to make his life harder by liking him.
I think what makes me fall for people this fast, is really their smile. Before meeting the men I just mentioned, I had dates with a few more guys, one of them asexual, but it just didn’t klick. It’s not that they didn’t smile at all, but something wasn’t right for me.
Last year I met a lesbian woman, in her late thirties, who looked very butch, and could be mistaken for a man if she hid her breasts. She also had the most beautiful green eyes, with a brown corona around the pupils. She was flirting with me for fun, and this made me uncomfortable, as she flirted exactly like those sex-crazed men I hated. But I liked her, she’s cool and a bit of a role model for me.
Right now, I try to understand the difference between platonic and romantic attraction, thus labelling myself quoiromantic as long as these words have the same meaning in my point of view. Also I dont‘t get what a squish is and how it is different from a crush.
And I‘d like to know what sexual attraction feels like. To be able to tell who I am. It‘s not that I don‘t want sex at all. I consider my sex drive to be quite high, it‘s just that it is stopped by both my physical and mental repulsion. Thus I don‘t want to have sex with other people. It‘s something so very intimate that sharing it with another human feels humiliating. Even though I‘m okay with even more weird sexual things in my phantasies. I feel disgusted when it‘s about having another human see me naked or touch me.
I‘m not sure whether I fit the generic asexual label or the grey asexual. I know I‘m somewhere on the spectrum, but not yet, exactly where.
As of now, I‘m 29 years and five months old, currently single, after ending my first, real, heterosexual, relationship, and consider myself pan-quoiromantic (grey?) asexual.
Most of my friends already know about my asexuality, some are asexual themselves, and the allosexuals I know don‘t really care about stuff like that, and accept us for who we are. I don‘t intend to come out to my family though. Some of my siblings might read this, and I think they‘ll be okay with it, but I‘m absolutely denying telling that to my parents and the other older relatives. I‘d hate having to explain asexuality to people who still struggle to accept the homosexuality of one of their children. Especially before I figured myself out completely.
Edit 1: can all this mean I’m demiromantic towards women? But how to describe that weird mix of feelings I have towards men?
I might edit this text when I find more things I need to write down.
Hello everyone! I can’t believe 1,000 of you followed us already. I really cannot wait to see what kind of community builds from this. It’s been less than a week!
Before I introduce myself I just want to give a huge thanks to my friends who have ran with this idea quicker than I was able to. All I did was rant about how we needed a place like this, and they’ve done so much already.
Anyway, hi I am Evelyn! I also go by Ev and Loki. I’m from Michigan, and I am currently a full time student at Uni. I found asexuality 4 years ago after a friend came out to me as pansexual and I googled what that meant, leading me to asexuality on a “sexual minorities” page.
I also run https://asexualmoments.tumblr.com (Shameless self promoting)
One last thing, be sure to stop by in the Aces 20+ chat to say hello! I am looking forward to meeting you guys. The link is on the homepage.
