#actuallytired

[thedigitaliscollective]

Is anyone else literally spent? I worry all the time about getting sick, is my family or friends sick, i spend worrying amounts of time reading articles about Coronavirus. We find ourselves so anxious literally all the time. We are scared to talk to others about it, afraid they will say we are overreacting or tell us to chill out, scared we’ll make them anxious too. Are you going through this too? Can you hear me?

[thedigitaliscollective]

You ever seen someone do something so stupid that you instinctively facepalm? and you don’t realize you even did it, the facepalm is just so covert and ninja-like on top of the stupid shit you just witnessed that all of it together feels like a shock to the senses?

[thedigitaliscollective]

I hate how I always have to apologize for my anxiety to other people, because it makes them uncomfortable.

I hate how I can’t sleep and it used to disturb my ex on a biblical level, because I couldn’t keep the same work hours he did, so he could keep an eye on me

I hate how one of my partners has his own triggers but couldn’t care less that i do too.

I hate my flashbacks and how I get locked in them and other people don’t understand my rage and confusion even when I’ve told them about my life and what I think to be the root of them, but with DID you just don’t know sometimes.

I hate how i am a prisoner in my own head to that shitty voice that keeps telling me I can’t, that I’m not trying hard enough, that I’m a fake that I deserved everything i got.

I hate how I switch and some people don’t like some of my alters so they try to tell me not to let them front when they are around, which by the way is a very abusive way to try to control someone else’s system. I wouldn’t be able to control that for long if at all anyways.

FUCK.

[thedigitaliscollective]

Emotional invalidity II

You were standing there cold On account of the fire Being just too anxious of a thing to reach I was wanting you badly To just reach out and Grab hold Nothing could have stopped You then Sleep was a tenuous thing And dreaming An alien word you just could Not understand Come choice time You have a guide Your road divides But is narrow And owes its life to Common cause And just good genes You cry because there Are choices Anxiety takes hold Like a ripped wrestler straining Against the ropes I cried because for me Choice was a fickle mistress Fluttering just out of reach; My misery a forest Afforded to me by Bad parenting and just Not enough time

[thedigitaliscollective]

To my System

There are times when I wear you like a security blanket There are times i hate you And I wish you would leave We can't have actions without Consequences What a tangled web we weave Sometimes you call out to me When I'm just about to sleep There are times I'm really committed To finding out who you are We can't find new headmates without Reorganizing where we are I've only just begun to love you my T says that's a start When we switch it's like a movement Between different parts of my brain It's like toggling a switch board And the pain comes in waves I can't imagine what it's like to be Without the Constant unending pain I'd like to think your my family But some of you Are against that thought Sometimes it's only a suggestion, a whisper Things we do in the dark, I take a breath And try to hope one day Year and I will be like sisters I'd like to hope that one day you won't Carry so much pain That your sleeplessness won't be all my fault That we will dance together in the rain, I reject the thought that you Are all different parts of, My brain. You are all individuals as different as Planets, moons, suns. Knowing the difference between you varies Because you would rather hide. Everything should get easier once we learn to just enjoy our, ride. Sometimes it's hard because You self harm, or cope in negative ways I try to be there for too, cherish you Because even protectors need to feel safe Everyone is judged on their actions, For singlets that's commonplace.

[thedigitaliscollective]

March 19, 2017

After I heard his feet hit the bottom landing, I cried, loudly like a child. On my soiled knees in the bathroom only a few feet away from what could be ‘help’. I was in pain, the catheter strung and I couldn’t go and there was blood. I cried and no help came. Our partner had gone home because our housemate is selfish, our other partner had gone to the hospital due to an infection, probably worse in his finger and I was in so much pain I couldn’t stand up. R’s voice echoed in my thoughts, and far away a child screamed. “He doesn’t care about you, he wants only one thing” those sentiments were spoken to my alter, my wife (one of them) Trystan but right now they rang true for both of us. No one was there to care for us and i will have to learn to care for all of us.

Update: our partner is home. He has a bandaged finger and two infections. He’s in a lot of pain, we are all trying to get some sleep

[thedigitaliscollective]

A dream: Monday April 6, 2020

I was with my cousin, she was having a seizure in my grandfather’s basement. My grandfather’s basement had all sorts of rooms that I’d never seen during waking hours. Rooms with torture chambers and this mob of kids who were after us. To younger ones, one boy and two girls.

My grandfather lived in the city in a big yellow house during the 90’s let’s just say terrible things happened there, no with him but in his house.

My cousin and I ran out of the house through the basement and it’s rooms pursued by these horrors. We ran deeper into the city which looked different at night here too.

But suddenly it was day time. I’m a teen dressed in a catholic school outfit and these kids are screaming at me from across the street. They want my head. So now I’m running again. I end up running into this fast food restaurant, sitting down with the manager and talking about a job inside of his restaurant that looked like a castle. He said he’d hire me so I’d have money of my own.

Now it’s night again and I’m afraid. Everyone is headed up these concrete stairs. They are giving 50 cents to see the moon as she really is. But where they are putting the money looks like a hollow dug out above the stairs with one concrete wall in front of it where a person couldn’t possibly fit to take our money but two hands comes out to do just that. I ask for someone to loan me some coins someone does. The moon outside is a turtle, she goes back and forth in her casing. The moon is bigger than i ever remember seeing her. A play is being put on. My sister is the star of the show. She swings down stage left to show us the true story of the moon goddess. There is a grand balcony. Which i am at the top of, Below is a statue, the moonlight glints off of it. It’s all so magical. I leave this sacred spot and I am taught to fight by moon priests.

Now it’s day time. I meet my grandfather in the alley he gives me a ride on his bike back to his house.

The tv is on inside. The boy is on it siting with the two youngest, he is talking about how he will dismantle me. The two youngest seem to agree, for they are good fighters too. They are sitting there watching the tv set, the older male leaves through the picture glass window in the sitting room. I knock the two watching tv out. But i do it too hard and they expire. I am starting to think this was part of his plan, what do i do now? I am thinking of ways to do this. They are on the kitchen floor.... the tv is still on and i am panicking.

[thedigitaliscollective]

I feel like shit. I don't think I'm very important to anyone, I think all i do is cause trouble. I am entropic. -Trystan