Oct 9, 2022
60 Days of Productivity- Day 11
My new laptop and a coffee to start getting my head back into my dissertation, followed by a 2 hour walk
seen from Malaysia
seen from Germany
seen from Malaysia
seen from Netherlands
seen from Vietnam
seen from China
seen from Russia
seen from Australia
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Singapore
seen from China
seen from Malaysia
seen from Australia
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from France
seen from United States
seen from Thailand
60 Days of Productivity- Day 11
My new laptop and a coffee to start getting my head back into my dissertation, followed by a 2 hour walk
14th January 2023 10:45
A new day and a new university library. I’m feeling very proud of myself for getting myself here, but now I’m sat down I literally have no idea how I am going to get started on my work or what I’m even trying to do.
What this space to see how my Saturday in the library goes
10th March 2023 - 1/32 Days of Productivity
Long time no see! I got Covid again and it absolutely kicked my arse. Anyway, now I'm back and ready to get on with my dissertation... which is due in 32 days. Hence, 32 days of productivity
(Also check out my wireless keyboard. I bloody love it, it makes typing so much easier!)
I feel the thing that nobody talks about with ADHD is the pervasive sense of shame. It is always there and I cannot seem to escape it. I constantly feel useless and ashamed; at times I hate myself.
Now I know I have to be kind to myself, and finding a label for that (ADHD and dyspraxia, potentially autism as well) has made that so much easier. I have done Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and have been having Counselling for years. I know I deserve kindness and that I should be kind to myself, and celebrate how well I am doing despite the hand I have been dealt.
But it is so hard not to feel deficient. All my classmates at university have graduated. The year below me have graduated as well. I am still here and I still don’t have a dissertation. People ask me why, and I tell that I am struggling but I am trying so hard and working really hard.
And yet... I woke up at 6am today and it has taken until 3pm to sit down to do any work. You ask me what did I do this morning and the answer is I don’t know. Yet another day has been lost, and I can’t help but feel so ashamed. I just want to do well. For once, I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel that for once all my effort has been worth it.
I want to take a picture of me in front of the university library holding my dissertation, just like everyone else did.
And yet, I feel like I can’t make myself make any meaningful steps towards this goal. I just want to be free of my dissertation and university. I just want this sense of shame to cease; to be able to go a day without having to think about my dissertation.
I just want to be able to knuckle down at knock out my dissertation. I know so many people who have bragged about writing their dissertation in one night, three days, a week... whatever. But here I am, I have been working on an undergraduate dissertation for 18 months, and I feel humilitated. I have practically nothing to show for it. I only have to write 10,000 - 12,000 words, it shouldn’t be as hard as this.
I just wish I had control over this. I wish I could wake up and think I am going to do work today and then actually do it. Then that’s before I even consider the fact that I work so slowly - pretty much every task I do takes me much much longer than anyone else; it takes me longer to read; longer to understand content; longer to write. I just struggle so much, but yet I keep trying.
One day I will have a finished dissertation, and I will take a photo in front of the library, and I will graduate because I try so fucking hard, and keep trying no matter how many times I fall down.
Saturday 2nd July
Today I overslept but I've been really tired recently so I guess I needed the extra sleep
I then went to a lunchtime concert and now I'm in the library. I'm going to work on developing my interview questions for the next two hours and then I'm heading to the gym!
29/9/22 - Day 1/60 Productivity Challenge
So I have decided to do a productivity challenge - my dissertation is due in 60 days, and my life is about to change massively.
In the next few days I have to find somewhere to live, move house, move to a new city, start a full time job, and still do my dissertation... so a productivity challenge to keep me on track is definitely needed.
Today was a really good day - this morning I got some stuff sorted that I needed to do before I move. Then I had a fabulous lunch at my favourite cafe. Before going to the library and working for 3 hours on my dissertation - I don't know what was in the water but my focus was unreal! (Is this what being neurotypical feels like?)
Then I had a meeting with my dissertation tutor, where we mostly just spent an hour chatting about life rather than my dissertation. But it was absolutely lovely, and we said a mini goodbye - though of course I'll still be seeing her next week, just on teams instead.
Then I came home and have mostly just been focusing on packing and cleaning.
Overall, a very very productive day and a great start to the challenge
Wednesday 10th August
Finally made it back to the library! Today is a day of interview transcripts - hopefully I make some good progress!
It's Saturday and I'm back in the library trying to figure out what the next step for my dissertation is (and hiding from the heat - the library has air con!)