#adhd gothic

[exitdose]

How should I order my DVD shelf?

By genre

Alphabetically

Chronologically???

Randomly. You absolute baby.

Voting ended onDec 21, 2024

[justapotato89]

You're online. You're in your class, the class you're supposed to be. The teacher is nice, amazing, he's teaching everything and you know everything now, just for now. You look at your notes. There's nothing written. He asks you if you have written it. The lie comes easy. You look at your notes. There's everything written. What is he teaching? He's talking about something. You recognise phrases. The air goes thick with repeated phrases. You plead the phrases to connect, you get nothing. The internet wants to disconnect. He laughs on a topic. Its supposed to be familiar. Its not familiar. You can't remember it. Your notes can remember it, you should remember it. The speaker has a mind of its own. Hello. I can hear you sir. Hello. Hello. Do you understand. I can understand. Do you understand. Yes I do. Do you understand, is it clear can you hear me can you hear what i say can you know what i say can you remember what im saying you know this you do this i taught you this connect this you can connect this to that concept remember that. The speaker. Is. Too. Loud. Throw it. Throw it. Please throw it. Let me out please throw it away I'm trapped in the speaker. He's repeating the phrases like a false call signal. A false trigger. A reflex action is triggered in you. You know this. He taught you that surely. He asks you understand or not. If he does he has taught you. If he taught you you know. If he doesnt teach you you know. You always know. You're supposed to know. He's speaking a tongue you should understand and it makes these sounds you know but you cant connect anything. Letters and numbers with people and chemicals and life and realisations and reagents and reactants and relations competitions and careers and I can't do this and you should be able to follow this stop. Stop it. You agree with everything he says, its the only way he will stop changing topics. He's changing topics please focus. Focus. Focus. The speaker is hurting me, the light is blinking too fast. Fidget. Don't fidget. Stop fidgeting. It's 15 minutes. You have 2 hours 45 minutes left. Good luck. Hello. Hello. Can you hear me. Are you in class. Are you concentrating. Do you know this. I'm not asking. I'm telling you. The answer is in the subtext which is lost in transmission. The speaker is still on its still hurting. You change tabs. Log in. Log in somewhere. Log in somewhere, anywhere. Please take me away. Log me out of this. Please let this stop hurting. Messages. Yes read those. You expect help. You asked for help. Where did it get lost in the mail. It got lost in the mail. Now they're asking you. for help. you can help. You help. You help everyone but you. The speaker is shouting louder. The volume button is stuck. Yes I know this. Yes I've trained for this. I've lived this. I can live one day longer. I cannot do this any longer. Is it clear. Do you understand. Formulas with names that dont exist. Formulas with elements that dont exist. You cant see them in the periodic table. You found it on google. He found it on a book. He has the better periodic table. Your table is incomplete. Note it down. I can't. Note it down. Log in, move, move, move, you cant stay still. Move the tabs. Escape. Something is hunting you. The letters are hunting you. Pretty pictures. Pretty letters. Hurting letters. Hurting words. Unknowing ignorant feelings. Drown me, please. Numb me. What is he teaching? You have assignments due. You didn't have assignments due today in the morning. This is your only class. You have 15 assignments due. Escape. Run. Fast. You're not fast enough. You wont be fast enough. The messages flood in. The help is right you are right it helped. How are you right how did that work how would that work you never tried it. How are you right. You do not care. You are right. That's how its supposed to be. You answered it wrong. You failed the game. You lost the game. No more tries. You weren't concentrating. That's how its supposed to be. You're not how you should be. Be someone you're not. Do something you hate. It's what's best for you.

[0xygenth1ef]

Shoutout to people who have unsavoury special internets/hyperfixations. Oh you know a lot about serial killers? Bizarre disasters? Diseases? Decomposition? Criminal psychology? Aliens? Not everyone wants to hear your shocking knowledge BUT I DO.

[face4radio]

You put on your first sock and the air thickens around you.

Time slows to an imperceptible crawl and the intersection of identity and experience that is you dissolves into the cosmic daydream

The other sock sits, forgotten, on the couch next to you.

In the world around you the clock ticks on. Toes tap. Frowns deepen.

You did not choose this. Despite it's inevitability, you could not have foreseen it.

An unknown span passes. Aeons and seconds lose their meaning and become one.

Then, with the inward rush of a vacuum filling the world returns.

You put on the other sock.

[anxietygardening]

[adhdisgay]

adhd gothic

- your alarm rings but you are too tired. you set an alarm for five minutes later and go back to sleep. when you wake again, it is light outside and the alarm never went off. it was set for five hours later. you could have sworn you set it to five minutes later.

- your clothes are organized in piles on the bedroom floor. occasionally a shirt moves from one pile to another. you do not remember moving it.

- your desk at work is organized but not. “i have a system” you tell yourself. you are worried someone will discover the truth. you must not let others know you are struggling. your desk at work is organized but not.

- you did not take your meds. your brain is static. you did take your meds. your brain is accelerated static. last week your meds worked well. are they working well today? did you remember to take them? did you even refill your prescription last month?

- your assignment is due in november. it is september. your assignment is not due soon. it is end of october, but your assignment is not due until november. it is november 15th. where is your assignment? you go to bed, it is now november 27th. why do you turn in work late?

- you go to work to make money. you know you make money because you are told you do. your bank account doesn’t change much. you spend more because you are told you make money. you haven’t looked at your bank account for a few weeks now. it makes you anxious.

- there was something you were supposed to do. you didn’t do it, and you disappointed someone. you do not know who. it will come to you eventually, perhaps.

- you trip over a half-knit scarf. one of the needles is missing. you tried to learn knitting a year ago and forgot about the scarf. how long has this been on the floor? where is the other needle? you do not remember how to knit.

- you find yourself growing bored and unconsciousness slips into your periphery. you throw yourself into your work. if you are busy you will not sleep. if you are bored you will sleep. fight the sleep as long as you can. you cannot sleep at night.

- you do not eat and you eat too much. 

- your friends ask why you do not reply to their messages. it is overwhelming and you are so tired. you send too many messages at once and are filled with guilt. your friends keep texting you and you do not know why.

- your eyes blur when you read. you skim the words and do not retain. you skimmed this post and did not retain. you do not remember what the first bullet on this post was. you might not have read this last bullet, either. you will still tag the post as though you read it. you understand its essence, and that is okay.

[sonicenvy]

adhd gothic

you want to do something. you try to start it. something is preventing you from doing the thing. you do not know what the precondition is that your brain wants you to complete before you do the thing. you tell yourself that you need to do the thing. you want to do the thing. you do not do the thing. the whole day passes and you have done nothing. you are filled with dread and despair. you promise yourself that you will do the thing tomorrow.

you scheduled 1 meeting for the day at 3pm. you do not do anything else the whole day. the meeting is 1 hour long. you are 10 minutes late to the meeting. you lie about why.

your brain thinking about things is playing the Wikipedia game. you get from chaucer to the haymarket affair. you cannot explain the connection. but it is there, and it makes sense to you. the person you are talking to is completely baffled. you wish they could see your thoughts, because you have no words for them. the connection is vibrant in your head.

your brain connects the dots ... and you are impatient waiting for everyone else to connect them. you put words in their mouth. they are angry because you did not speak in turn. they have still not connected the dots. you are a ball of impatient energy. you bounce your leg. when will they connect the dots?

you have a Leaving Your House Mental Checklist™. your keys are the first thing on the list. you use your keys to lock the door, and you head out for your day. the keys are not in your hand. the keys are not in your pocket. they are not in your purse. where are the keys? you forget about the keys again. you come home and the keys are still in the door, in the lock, where you left them.

your kitchen scissors have a questionable relationship with existence in your head. you put them away. you’re certain of this. why aren’t they in the utensils drawer? the kitchen scissors are missing. you cannot find them. someone tells you to “just try and remember where the last place you saw them was”. you cannot remember. all you remember is that you owned scissors. you buy new scissors. months pass. your new scissors also vanish. you find both pairs of scissors in the back of your fridge.

you start your laundry. you are going to do laundry today. the hamper is sitting in front of the laundry machine. you forget the laundry in the laundry machine. it is wet and forgotten. you remember the next day when you cannot find your favorite shirt. your re-launder everything because it smells bad. you pinky swear to yourself that you will remember to switch the laundry. you remember but it does not give you satisfaction. you do not feel successful. all you feel relieved that you have not forgotten it. you forget it in the dryer and the laundry wrinkles.

you start many things. you finish none of them. they are all 95.95% done. the things scream at you from every corner of your house. you start something new instead. you abandon your new project when you have finished the most interesting part of it. you start another new project. your incomplete projects and abandoned hobbies scream at you. you feel guilty and pretend not to hear. you start a new project.

the deadline is coming but you do not know when it is until it has almost passed. you have 25 minutes. you do not understand 25 minutes. this seems like a reasonable time frame for your 5 page essay. you turn the essay in at 12:15AM it was due at midnight.

on monday you can perform 10 tasks at once. on tuesday you try to do two things at once and both of them are ruined. you do nothing and cry instead. why can’t you do well every day? your boss will hate you and fire you. when your coworker asks for an update on your project you lie and tell them that you are almost done. you are trapped in a house of lies that is about to fall down on you. the deadline approaches and you have not done anything. you wish you could get your brain into task mode™, but nothing you try to induce it works. the project is now overdue. you do not want to complete the project out of unending shame.

something happened in the last 5 minutes. you certainly have no idea what the f*ck happened. you have 5 minute amnesia. it happens frequently. you have gotten good at pretending like you do not have 5 minute amnesia.

your brain is full of thoughts. your brain is overflowing with thoughts. you vomit out words to everyone with no filter. they do not make sense to anyone who is listening to them. no one listens to what you have to say. you keep talking. f a s t e r and faster and f a s t e r. how are you not out of breath? your brain is still full of thoughts.

you want people to like you. you want people to like you so much. you think everyone hates you. you say the wrong thing and you want to crawl into a hole and die. “are you ok?” someone asks. you nod and smile, but you are actually sobbing inside your head. you think you are a horrible lying person. you want people to like you.

you have a paper to write. you should write the paper. you cannot start writing the paper. your professor asks you for an update on the paper. you lie and make up an entire paper’s worth of words on the spot. you think you would like to write these thoughts down. when you get out your pen and paper do so, you forget all of them. you feel like a fraud. your professor asks you how the paper is going. you inform them that you have changed your topic. you have only changed your topic because you cannot remember what you talked to them about before and you are too afraid to ask. everyone in your life thinks you are writing the paper. you have not written any of the paper. guilt claws at you, but you still have not started the paper. the deadline approaches. you finally write the paper in the last 45 mins of time allotted for it. it is on an completely new topic. you pray the professor does not notice.

you are interested in an esoteric topic. you are very interested in an esoteric topic. you spent the last 15 hours reading about said topic on the internet. you have placed holds on 5 books about the topic. You downloaded 10 articles about it from jstor. someone offhandedly mentions the topic in a conversation you are not a part of. you appear into the conversation to tell everyone about the topic. they are not amused. you recite the dictionary definitions of the jargon. everyone stares at you blankly but you do not notice. the topic is the only thing happening in your brain. you think that everyone should be just as excited about it as you are. they are not.

you are finally doing the thing that you are supposed to do. you are doing it to the exclusion of everything else. you do not eat for 12 hours. you feel nothing. the task is all that you see. at least, you think, i am being productive.

the task selecting insect that bites you today picks sharpening pencils as your obsession. you sharpen pencils for 12 hours, searching desperately throughout your whole house for more pencils to sharpen. if you are not sharpening pencils you feel empty. why do you want to sharpen pencils? you should be reading the readings for your class tomorrow. you sharpen another pencil.

you buy a new shirt. you cannot stop being aware of the tag in the shirt. it is an all consuming bad sensation. you are deeply aware of the tag. you want to scream. you want to remove the shirt. when you get home you claw the shirt off and cut the tag out of the shirt.

your house is messy. why can’t you clean your house? your house is extremely messy. the idea of starting to clean your house is terrifying. damn bitch you live like this? you finally clean your house. it take 11 hours. you promise yourself that you will clean more regularly. your house is a chaotic mess two days later. you cannot seem to organize your house.

you have things you need to do, and you know what they are. you cannot forget what they are. somehow you momentarily forget what they are at the time you are supposed to do them. you remember later, drowning in guilt because you did not do them. someone tells you to get a planner. you write down all of the tasks you need to do 15 times. you remember none of them and the planner disappears.

you want to collect data about your habits. you do it for one week. you forget about it. you remember suddenly 2wks later. you do it for one week. doing a task that you are the sole taskmaster for is an uphill battle at best.you know the person who set this goal and you know they're full of shit. you know incentives don't work. either happens or it doesn't. you feel like some kind of god or spirit is messing with you. why can’t you keep a consistent commitment.

“you’re so smart” someone says. “I bet you are part of the top of the class”. you are failing the class. you are failing all of your classes. you have a bad performance review at work because you cannot seem to consistently do the work you need to do. you are great at the work and at school when your brain has a good day. you are phenomenal at it. everything makes sense. you can only seem to be good at things on a random tuesday of the month. you can’t decide if you are dumb or lazy. everyone thinks you are smart and good at school and work. you do not want to prove them wrong. you lie about what you have and haven’t done. it is a web of lies. you are falling apart but you cannot admit this to anyone. you are failing the class. you laugh uncomfortably and pretend to agree with the person who thinks you are in the top of the class. you hope they will never find out what a fraud you are.

someone is talking to you. their mouth is moving. they are saying things. you cannot hear or understand them. you nod and hum pretending that you understand what is going on. why isn’t there closed captioning for real life? someone asks you a question. you do not understand. their mouth moves but you cannot understand what they are saying.

you would like to watch a youtube video. you start to watch the video. you can’t seem to watch it all the way through. you keep skipping around, hoping to get to the part that will catch your brain best. you want to watch the whole video. you can’t focus on the video to watch it all. you skip around in the video. it takes you 35 minutes to watch a 10 minute video. why can’t you just watch the video straight through?

you never feel successful when you finish a task. all you feel is swooping relief. the weight of guilt and stress, and self hatred related to the task is gone because the task is over.

you have 10 spoons for the day. you spend 3 of them preparing to do a task. the task costs 10 spoons. you do not complete the task. why are you such a failure? the task is a 15 minute task. how does it take you so long to do the task? you are angry at yourself. you promise yourself that you will finish the task tomorrow. you do not finish the task tomorrow. you feel sick with guilt and shame. you pretend you never started the task and imagine a world in which it does not exist.

you cannot fall asleep. you are tired. you cannot fall asleep. you mind is loud and cluttered. you cannot fall asleep. you are tired but your body wants to move. you write a whole novel in your head. it takes you 2 hours to fall asleep. you do not remember any of the novel in the morning.

[bookwyrmbran]

ADHD Gothic, or, This Morning

wake up too damn early

decide to go out to the main room for tea and knitting

get distracted by cats demanding food

get distracted by making bacon in microwave

housemate comes up with fried eggs

eat: bagel, egg, bacon (achievement unlocked!)

realize you meant to doublecheck cupboard/hutch availability to confirm with housemate

spend a while sorting through all new listings

skritch the dog's haunches and sides and remember that it is Coat Blowing Time and there is now much fluff on the floor

decide to sweep

notice fluff all over the couch

retrieve vacuum

start pulling couch apart to vacuum

vacuum couch (achievement unlocked!)

notice bag of common space linens which really should be in cabinet, not bag

alert! cat has peed on the bag!

sort stuff inside bag into wash now and put away

vacuum is still out

vacuum under hutch and also some hard-to-reach corners

landlord walkthrough next Sunday (ALAB) -- time to make list of what needs done beforehand

start in on list

spouse has come up the stairs! pause to help empty catbox

back to list

spouse has come up the stairs! pause to give laundry instructions

there was a list...?

oh hey more dog fur under the cabinets, better go retrieve that

teapot is empty! sound the klaxons! fill the kettle!

pause to stand in the middle of kitchen -- what were you doing again?

teakettle beeps (this does not register)

it's not even 10:30 why are you so tired

also why are you so achy

wander over to laptop

kettle turns itself off

box of yarn magically reappears into existence next to laptop and empty mug

right! tea and yarn!

go turn kettle back on

decide it would be funny to type this up

kettle turns back off

why are you still standing?

right tea

turn kettle on again and pour honey over leaves

put milk in bottom of mug

pour water over leaves (achievement unlocked!)