So before I explain this I just want to say I am not posting this for sympathy or anything I am posting this in an attempt to actually accomplish something this New Years. I hope that by posting this I will feel obligated to attempt to make a life change. I also hope that by posting someone can learn from my mistakes. I also under stand that this is kinda long so if you read just part of this thank you so much. I just want to give a very brief background to explain how I got where I am and then my New Years resolution will make more sense. My life was pretty good until my 6th grade year of school. That year was the year the bullying started. I did everything I could think of to try to get the bulling to stop but everything I did made it worse. After awhile my mom got tired of hearing me complain about the bullying and told me to figure it out myself. It was that day that the depression stared. 7th grade I avoided those girls but 8th grade they somehow made it back into my life. Later 8th grade year I started having suicidal thoughts but it wasn't that serious until freshmen year when I actually had a plan for how I was going to kill myself... Something clicked in my brain and the second half of the year I turned my life around. I opened up a bit and let people into my life and I found Sherlock, Doctor Who, Broadchurch, Supernatural and later youtube. 2014 was one of the best years of my life, it was the year I realized depression did not rule my life and I felt pure joy for the first time in a long time. Now the events that lead up to this post was almost all of 2015. 2015 was a shit year compared to 2014. There was a few of good things that happened it 2015 but a lot more bad. It all started out with all the anonymous hate spread on tumblr (#affectedbyhate). Then I found out one of my "best friends" had been lying to me and emotionally manipulating me whenever she got bored or lonely. Not long after that My grandfather passed away. Before the end of the school year I found out my older brother would be moving out and my older sister had plans to move out as well. Now I was kinda asking for some of the depression that came because instead of looking for healthy ways to cope while they were still there I refused to believe that they were moving out until they moved out and I couldn't fight the depression anymore. My mom was working 2 jobs and my dad, after his father died and now 2 children moved out fell into a depression as well. I watched as my dad slowly started pushing my little brother and I out of his life and diving into work. I listened as my mom complained about their marriage. All I waned to do was get out of the house for a bit but my little brother wanted to do was sit on the couch and play games on his iPad. So I started walking the dogs just to get out of the literal hell I was trapped in but after awhile there is only so much you can do. I started watching Jacksepticeye and @markiplier for a laugh but I was watching myself fall more and more into this depression. It wasn't long after my older brother moved out that I pushed my friends away and started cutting... When I couldn't avoid my friends anymore I realized how much I missed them and opened up a bit. I put it on myself to try to make everyone happy. I got my dad, little brother, and myself (my mom was working) out of the hose for a weekend when I realized Indy Pop con was a few hours away and not super expensive. So I started trying to cope with the depression and I started drawing instead of cutting. And at the end of June I got to meet @therealjacksepticeye , @markiplier, and @lordminion777 (unfortunately Bob and Tyler left before we got to meet them) to this day that was the best moment of my life! So the summer got better but I was still lonely and depressed. So on August fist I got a message from the "friend" that lied to me and said she was defiantly coming back, but at the end of the year she told me she was defiantly NOT coming back. I was an okay week because I knew my brother was coming back soon and Jacksepticeye was almost at 6 million subscribers and I was almost done with the fanart I was drawing for him. August 14th comes and Jacksepticeye hits 6 million subscribers, I posted my fanart I finished on tumblr and Jack liked it, and I got to see my brother. The next day we left for vacation. While on vacation I got super sun burned and sick. I got swimmers ear which lead to an ear infection, sore throat, and cold... School starts and 2 weeks in I realized there was no way I was going to be able to deal with my "friend." I was constantly in a bad mood because I didn't want to be there (and I still don't in a way, I just don't know how to deal with her). When I thought nothing worse could happen I found out something had happened to my sister... (Its a bit to personal to post on tumblr but she is fine now, everyone is okay and she has moved on) But I didn't even know there was anything going on with my sister until we were half way to school that morning... Long story short for the first time ever I lost it and started crying in the middle of homeroom and the rest of the day was me trying to pay attention in school but to busy worrying about my sister... Now I have noticed that I am loosing motivation to do anything. I want to be watching YouTube for hours then start my homework really late at night and am tired all the next day at school. I am stressed because of my laziness and my "friend" is causing a whole bunch more stress and me trying to find ways to cope with her. But I keep getting stressed and depressed. And I'm just tired of feeling this way. So my New Years resolutions are: 1. To try to find peace with myself. I am super lazy and have next to no motivation to do anything. I hate myself for this. And I have a lot of insecurities because of the bullying and later trusting someone I shouldn't have trusted in the first place. I want to learn to forgive myself, I can't keep forgiving others so easily when I can't forgive myself at all 2. Find my own happiness. Life is a lot more fun when you're happy not depressed. And I want to learn what drives me to be the person that I am. 3. Don't be so lazy. Don't put everything off until that last minute, that how you get stressed and when you get stressed you tend to get depressed more easily. 4. I want to stop hating myself. Be the best you that you can be. Don't push others away because they complement you (unless its catcalling). You are a unique individual, you just have to open your eyes and see that. And all those things that those girls said years ago aren't true. No one deserves the hate and bullying we often receive, you're not alone so STOP blaming yourself. 5. Don't hold in all the pain, talk to someone. There are plenty of people who are willing to listen and understand. When I hold it all in it leads to anger or regret. 6. Give everyone a chance. Just because a few people have fucked you over in the past its doesn't necessarily mean everyone will.
