Afraid to Fall - Part 2
Kaz x reader
This is part 2 of the Afraid to Fall fic for rosies250 challenge @for-bebbanburg 💛
Again a massive thank you to @axe-does-writing for beta reading this for me 💕
Read Part 1 here
Warnings: Drinking, self-doubt, mentions of the Menagerie, angst and fluff, love confessions, slightly OOC Kaz. Let me know if you think I have missed any!
You let out a huge sigh of relief as the door to your room closed behind you. Alone at last.
Removing a few of the knives from your belt, you are placing them delicately on your bedside table, when you hear a knock on your door.
Your head snaps around at the sound. Who would be visiting your rooms at this hour?
Inej would have snuck in through the window as always, and Jesper would never bother with knocking. He had developed a nasty habit of barging in whenever he felt like it, leading to more than a few knives to his throat as a result.
Perhaps it was a messenger from the Menagerie. Maybe Tante Haleen wanted you after all. A feeling of dread washed over you at the prospect.
Grabbing one of your knives back off the bedside table and hiding it behind your back, you edge toward the door.
There’s another knock as you reach it. Harsher this time. Whoever it was obviously didn't want to leave without seeing you first.
Slowly, you grasp for the door handle, adjusting your grip on the knife in your other hand, before opening the door a crack.
The stern face of your boss stares back at you from the other side of the door. Cane back in hand and hair back in place. You freeze for an instant. What on earth was he doing here?
"Boss?" You manage to squeak out.
"May I come in?"
You blink in surprise before moving back, opening the door wider to let him in. You say nothing as he limps into the room. You're still unable to process why exactly Kaz was in your room.
You close the door behind him as he turns and surveys the room.
His stern eyes finally settle on you.
There was a pregnant pause, neither of you quite sure how to begin.
Kaz's eyes glance down to your hand before looking back at you.
"Are you planning on stabbing me with that?" He gestures with his cane.
Your brow furrows in confusion before realising you still have the knife in your hand.
"Oh! No, sorry! I just didn't know who to expect at my door. You can never be too careful." You fumble, putting the blade back in your belt. You need to pull yourself together.
When your eyes finally look back to Kaz, you find a small smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth, eyes sparkling with mischief. Saints you were in too deep for this.
"Can I help you with something?" You ask. You still had no idea why Kaz had decided to show up in your room. If it was business, surely he would have fetched you to his office?
He sucks in a breath, smirk vanishing as he removes his gaze from you for a moment.
"Yes. I need to know what you were referring to when you said, 'it depends on what you were afraid of'."
"What?" You ask, tensely, denying any knowledge of what he was talking about, hoping to put off the conversation.
You knew exactly what he was referring to, but playing dumb seemed like the best option as a shiver of fear ran down your spine. You didn't think Kaz would pay enough attention to you to notice something was actually bothering you. You had hoped he would just brush it off as a useless remark.
Obviously, you were wrong.
There was no way you were having this conversation. Not now, not ever. And especially not with Kaz.
You move past him and distractedly place more knives on your bedside table. Hoping it would make you look less bothered than you actually were. It might have worked as well, if your hands would stop shaking.
It was a stupid move, now Kaz was between you and the door.
He turns with you as you move past him, watching your back as he continues.
"Downstairs, you said that decisions could be made out of fear, depending on what you are afraid of. Something is clearly bothering you, you are afraid of something. I want to know what."
"Nothing, just ignore me. It was just a useless remark. It meant nothing." You sigh. Your heart was pounding in your chest.
Saints, why wasn't he leaving already?
"Don't lie to me Y/N. I know you're afraid of something, it's clearly bothering you. I can't have you making decisions out of fear, it puts us all at risk if you do." He emphasises, leaning over his cane toward you.
Of course, it always circled around to the rest of the Dregs. He was worried about you becoming a liability, rather than worrying about you. Tears rose unbidden at the thought.
"It's nothing Kaz, please leave it alone." You beg, trying and failing to keep your voice from shaking as you still refused to look at him.
"Y/N, I need to know what it is, so I can help you. Now what are you so afraid of?" He pressed.
"EVERYTHING!" You snap, whirling around to face him. Tears falling from your eyes.
Your breathing was heavy, your emotions finally bursting forth after keeping them bottled up for so long.
You watched his startled face, his eyebrows drawn in concern at your outburst.
Tearing your gaze away from him, you chose to look at your boots instead. Looking at him was too much for you to handle right now.
He said nothing, instead waiting for you to continue in your own time.
Taking a long breath in an attempt to compose yourself, you brace yourself to confess everything to your boss. Once this floodgate opened, there would be no closing it.
"I'm scared of everything, ok?" You start, still not looking at him.
"-I'm scared that my sister and I will never escape the Menagerie; that you'll never have enough money to pay off our indentures, and we won't be able to repay you if you do. I'm afraid Tante Haleen will always have a hold on us and that she'll drag us back one day to be used at will. I'm terrified that I'm never going to truly fit in here - I was never meant to be here anyway - Inej was the one who all but forced you to buy my indenture on top of her own. I'm not as talented as my sister and Jesper, I'm not as intelligent as you. I'm nowhere near pretty enough to be used as bait in your plans. I'm scared I'm not of any use to the Crow's. To anyone." You finish your ramblings.
You finally decide to look at Kaz. Dreading to see the look of disgust on his face at hearing your confessions.
A sense of surprise came over you when you saw his actual expression. He was staring right at you. His eyes soft. His mouth was pulled tight, but not in disgust as you had presumed it would be, but as if he were trying to find the right words for something and coming up empty.
His gaze quickly moved to look at the crows head of his cane, twisting it in his gloved hands.
The emotion was probably too much for him. Ditryhands wasn't one to get caught up in emotions.
You lean on the bedside table behind you as you continue to study him. You wanted to see how he reacted to your next confession. You knew if you didn't say it now, you never would, or Kaz would be able to tell something was still bothering you. The alcohol in your system had definitely loosened your tongue. You'd never say this otherwise.
"There's one more thing…" You begin, your breath catches in your throat as your nerves skyrocket once more.
His eyes rise to meet yours, and if you didn't know better, you would say a look of something akin to concern flashed across his expression before vanishing once more.
"More than anything, I am terrified of what would happen if you ever find out how I feel about you. Of knowing I have fallen so far and so hard for you, and yet you don't feel the same. To watch you watching my sister, seeing your feelings for each other everyday… It hurts too much. I'm terrified I'll have to leave because I can't watch that. I love my sister too much to get in the way of her happiness, and I love you too much to get in the way too. I can't have Jesper looking at me with pity in his eyes while I silently pine after you. But I don't know what I'd do if I were to leave. Everything I love is here. But I can't stay where I'm not wanted. Where I am not loved - not loved by you."
He continues to stare straight into your eyes throughout your confession. His face betrayed nothing.
Your heart lurches, realising what you had feared was true. Kaz has no feelings for you. He didn't protest your fears. There was no going back now. The words could not be unsaid.
You give a slight nod of your head, frustratedly swiping at the tear that fell from your eye.
"It's alright; I’ll pack my things and go. I'll be out of your way by the morning. Tell Inej I'm sorry." You whisper, turning back to the desk behind you.
You bite your lip to prevent it from trembling, trying to maintain what little remained of your dignity.
Hearing a shuffle behind you, you prepare for the noise of the door, waiting for Kaz to leave so you could break down in peace.
But the sound of the door never came.
"For one who sees so much, you can be so blind. There is so much you don't have to be afraid of if you just open your eyes. To see yourself… the way I see you."
Your breath catches in your throat as you process the words. Surely you couldn't have heard him correctly?
You turn around slowly, not knowing what to expect once you look at him.
"What?" You breathe out, voice small. You were so terrified that you had taken this the wrong way, not wanting to get your hopes up, only to have them crushed again when he clarified his meaning. You wouldn't be able to cope with that.
His eyes were still fixed on you, his hair had become unkempt once more where he had run a hand through it, the only sign that what you had said had affected him.
He squared his shoulders, heaving a breath before continuing.
"There is no shame in being afraid as long as you face up to your fears. But you must be blind if you think you have so many."
"I don't… I don't understand."
He pauses for a second, standing straighter as if he had made up his mind about something.
"You forget that I only invest in one-of-a-kinds." He says sternly.
Ah, a change of tactics.
"Yes and I was the added extra you didn't ask for when you invested in my sister, right?" You huff, folding your arms across yourself.
"Wrong." He shakes his head.
"You think you have no skill in comparison to your sister. That's not true. You know how to handle blades, and more than that - you're not afraid to use them. You're smart, cunning, scheming and you can think on your feet. You don't mind challenging my plans, contributing better ways to achieve heists. I don't need someone that will blindly follow all of my orders. I need someone who completes me, who can challenge me to be better than I am, for more than myself - Y/N you are that person."
Your heart is pounding in your chest as you register his words. Your brain is somehow incapable of accepting what he said as the truth. Maybe you shouldn't have drunk so much.
"That still doesn't change how the other Crows see me, doesn't affect my problem with the Menagerie. And it doesn't alter the fact that you are in love with my sister."
"Have you not listened to a word I've just said?" He grit out, his eyes narrowing in frustration.
You shrug your shoulders, not knowing what to say.
He takes a couple of tentative steps closer to you. If he were to reach out, he would be able to touch you. Not that that would ever happen.
"Y/N, when I told you and your sister, I would never be the one to mark you again, I meant it. You will never go back to that birdcage if I have anything to do with it, and I expect nothing from you in return. Don't ever forget that." He starts, needing you to understand.
"With this next job - if we can get our hands on that Kruge… you'll never have to go back again."
You suck in a shuddering breath as you register the words. Freedom was within reach. That one step closer.
"The other crows. We all value you; we all need you here. As much as we all hate to admit it, we'd be nothing without each other. It's what keeps us going in a place like this. Never doubt your worth."
You duck your head once more, finding a new interest in the pattern of the carpeted floor, avoiding his gaze. Your still folded arms, gripping your arms tighter.
"Y/N, look at me." He says, after a moment of your continued silence. He couldn't have you shutting off again, not now, not after you'd come so far.
"Look at me." He commands gently when you refuse to look up the first time.
Gradually, your eyes shift to meet his again. Finding the last of your strength to keep them locked on his own blue ones.
"I love you Y/N and you deserve so much more than I can give you. It pains me to know you think so little of yourself." His eyes are starting to turn red as he suppresses his own tears, gripping his cane tighter to keep himself together.
Your mouth drops open in shock, you forget how to breathe for a moment.
Kaz Brekker, the Kaz Brekker - the man you have been in love with for months - has just said he loved you back!
"I always thought you hated me." Is the first thing you manage to get out.
You definitely had too much to drink. You should just be happy. The man you loved had just told you he loved you back! Yet you found yourself more in a state of shock.
"Then that fault lies with me, because nothing could be further from the truth."
"But you always avoided me, you always spent more time with my sister."
"Your sister is my wraith... but you... you are so much more than that. So much more to me. Yes, I did avoid you. But not because I hated you. Never that... I spent more time with Inej because when I'm around you.. I find I do not always know how to act...my feelings- they overwhelm me. It is not a feeling I am accustomed to. And I have grown to care for you more than I would like to admit. Dealing with your sister became an easy way around the problem. I am sorry if I have hurt you in the process. I also never imagined that you would feel the same way as I do. I didn't think anyone was capable of loving a monster like me." He confessed.
"Well, we're all someone's monster." You feel a small smile break through.
This was real. Very real. He loved you too.
"What about my sister?"
"I assure you, your sister holds no feelings like that for me. She is not as blind as you have been. In fact, she warned me that if I were to break your heart, she would have no hesitation in breaking me." He chuckled.
You laughed at that. "That sounds like Inej. Though I fear she would have to get in line."
"I don't doubt it." He laughed in return, watching the light return to your eyes as you laughed with him.
Once you had both sobered, he hesitantly reached out a hand toward you.
You froze in place at the action, scared that if you moved, he would retreat away.
You scarcely dared breathe when he very gently moved a piece of your hair back into place where it had fallen across your eyes. His gloved hands barely brush against your skin.
You offered a small smile as he pulled away. It was progress.
"You are the reason I want to do better - be better. You are the reason I want to overcome my aversion to physical contact. When I get up in the morning, my thoughts are immediately consumed by you. I worry about you to no end, not because I think you are incapable, but because I care for you. If anything happened to you, I wouldn't know what to do with myself." He rushed out.
He took a steadying breath before continuing.
"It will take time for me to adjust. I don't know how long that will take-"
"Kaz." You interrupt gently.
"It will take as long as it takes, we will both need to adjust to this, and that's ok." You encouraged.
He lets out a huff of relief at that.
You gently reach out toward him, pausing when he stiffens at your movement.
When he offers no further complaint, you continue. You slowly move a piece of his own hair back into place where it had fallen when he had brushed his own hand through it. You are extremely careful to not brush his skin with your hand as you do so, before pulling away.
"There's no rush." You assure him. You didn't want to push him too far.
The moment was strangely domestic between you both. It was a stark contrast to your normal lives, always running from disaster to disaster.
"Thank you." Is all he says in return, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
You shake your head. "There's no need."
"Perhaps, we can start breaking down each other's walls together. As long as you promise to stop avoiding me." You tease.
"Deal." He laughs.
"Good. Now come on Dirtyhands, you can start your apology for avoiding me, by buying me a drink. And stealing another one of Jesper's doesn't count."
His answering smirk was enough to set your soul on fire.
‐----------------------------------------
Tags:
@for-bebbanburg @axe-does-writing @morosemagick @evelynshelby
Hope you enjoyed!
