Your name is Dirk Strider, and you have a secret, which in of itself isn't unusual. Or at least, it used to be. After you and your friends, and acquaintances, finally beat SBURB, there wasn't really any need for secrets anymore. No more secrets, no more planning... For the first time in your life, you finally feel somewhat relaxed. "Somewhat" is the key word here.
Because, you see, you've recently made a discovery, and with that discovery came the realization that you, once again, have become your own worst enemy. And, to your friends, you're probably something even worse.
Spending time with Dave has kept your mind off your stresses and worries before, but as you sit beside him at one of the many picnic tables that litter his and his boyfriend's house, you find yourself drowning in your thoughts.
How could you not see it? Why didn't you see it sooner? Why are you like this? What have you done to them?
Internally beating yourself has never really helped before, but you can't help it at this point. No matter how many times Rose suggested more positive coping mechanisms, it never seems to stick. Plus, this isn't coping, it's just facing reality. You've always known you were a selfish piece of shit, maybe if you beat it into yourself hard enough, maybe you'll finally learn.
"Think the food's gonna be ready soon?" Dave asks, turning towards you.
His shades are up and resting on his head, his bright red eyes for all the world to see. He's been doing that more often lately. You remember him mumbling something about separating himself from his Bro more. Which, in all honesty, makes you feel really good. You're happy for him. In fact, thinking of how much Dave's improved after what happened when he was younger is enough to bring you out of your inner turmoil.
"YEAH." A much louder voice answers before you can even open your mouth.
Behind your shades, your eyes flick over to Dave's boyfriend, Karkat. You resist the urge to shrink back slightly. You and Karkat have never really gotten along. Which is to say, no matter how hard you try, Karkat doesn't trust you one bit. It's like he can't seperate Dave's guardian from you... But, you don't really blame him. You always had the potential to become Dave's Bro. Plus, if the same thing had happened to-
If the same thing had happened to Jane, or Jake, or Roxy, you would have felt the same way.
Just thinking that makes your chest tighten and heart thrum a bit faster.
You sigh. You can't hide it anymore, especially not from yourself. You have... feelings for your friends. Which is an easier way to admit it than saying that your heart practically did a full-fledged pirouette off the Platonic Friendship stage and then dive-bombed into the I'm in Love With The Only Friends I've Ever Had crowd. And it's unfair. Not to you, but... To them. Feeling things like this for them, not just Jake, but for Jane and Roxy, too, is very dangerous. And not to mention hurtful. After everything you went through, all the drama and heartbreak and hurt feelings, to tell them now would be insane.
But, maybe you are insane. I mean, you're also the guy who made a copy of his brain and turned it into a robot to talk to, and then said robot also gained sentience and helped you sabotage all of your relationships. That sounds pretty crazy to you. But, what would you know?
The sound of Dave laughing brings you back to reality. Karkat must have said something funny. The troll leans down and places a chaste kiss on Dave's lips before walking off to one of the grill's on the lawn.
You forget the holiday you're celebrating. Earth C has so many holidays. Too many holidays. It's a mixture of some human and troll celebrations, and then a lot more made up ones all throughout the year because everyone thought that throwing a fuckton of parties all throughout the year would be great. You suppose it sounded good at the moment.
You stare off into the distance, flickering between various guests, before finally settling on a group of three. You feel your face heat up. Man, what are you? Some kid with a schoolyard crush?
Jane, Jake, and Roxy are all talking, laughing every once in a while at a joke one of the other make. You feel your lips twitch upwards involuntarily. God, how could you not have fallen for them? They're all just... So wonderful in their own way.
Jake may be oblivious and a dreamer, but he's hopeful and strong and a believer and he's human. And he cries, unapologetically. When was the last time you did that? And Jane. Jane is smart and quick as a whip and funny and, dare you admit, cute. And there's a fire within her that you don't ever think will go out. And Roxy. Roxy who deserved so much better than the shit she was giving. Roxy, who's so smart, and funny, and strong, and amazing. Roxy, who deserves so much better than you.
...They all deserve better than you.