Isolation as inspiration as spirituality as wisdom as...?
let's make christianity weird again!
I have been obsessed with anchorites/anchoresses ever since I took a medieval literature course in undergrad. The urge to remove oneself from society to broaden one’s mind has become a cliché for artists, writers, perverts, psychos, etc., though as a full-time, tax-exempt vocation? Unheard of... nowadays! Unless you count people who belong to the work-from-home caste, though I wholeheartedly do not!
In the Middle Ages, primarily in England, certain individuals who felt a calling to seclude themselves as an act of holiness were appointed the anchorite/anchoress of their village, residing in a small cell (called an anchorhold) attached to the church. In it, the anchorite would have complete access to their bed, chamber pot, and three whole windows: one looking into the church through which the anchorite received Eucharist and counseled parishioners, another that servants could feed the anchorite and empty their chamber pot, and another that brought in natural sunlight. What a luxury not having to empty one’s own chamber pot! With a skylight, to boot!
Most anchorites were in fact anchoresses by the 12th century onward, making the vocation overwhelmingly feminine; proto-femcels, perhaps? While these hermetic girl bosses sat in a deeply pensive trance, villagers flocked to their cells, demanding advice and wisdom. I like to imagine what these questions could have been: “My husband refuseth to lie with me in our whoring bed! What shall I do to entice his staff into rising like the morning sun?” “Why doth mine anus bellow like a bagpipe after eating Mother’s gruel?” “What doth black bile dripping from mine ears suggest, O Wise Hermit?” These individuals were essentially medieval search engines!
Oftentimes, the anchorite would spend his or her day contemplating and praying. While this may seem cruel and unusual, anchorites felt compelled to live such a life; doing so would be an honor akin to winning the lottery! Even when villages were pillaged by invaders who caused mass destruction and committed murder and rape, the anchorite would stay put, perishing along with their parish! Talk about delusional dedication!
With the dissolution of monasteries enacted by the regally murderous, fabulously obese nymphomaniac King Henry VIII (I’ve always wondered if he was hung...) in the mid-1500s, anchorites saw a sharp decline in popularity, quickly becoming passé like Brat summers and white chunky Filas. Several anchorholds remain intact today, mostly throughout England, where visitors can come and pay respect to these medieval loners. I propose if any of you visit an anchorhold, consider contemplating so intensely that the veins in your head begin to bulge, your eyes squint into wrinkly, thin slivers and every muscle in your body flexes so as to appear buff. Then, rather spontaneously, you begin to relax your entire body until your bowels begin to relax and you let one out. I believe this could be comparable to a day in the life of an anchorite, but what do I know?
What baffles me the most about anchorites is the fact they volunteered! Not forced, not coerced and not even compensated! Not a single shilling was given! However, while baffling, the life of an anchorite is a compelling one. Reminds me of world-renowned-maestro-turned-exiled-pariah Lydia Tár’s quote: “If you want to dance the mask, you must service the composer.” Surrendering one’s own ego to something bigger and grander is no novel concept – the anchorites did it before it was cool! These recluses were somewhat like the blind soothsayers from Greek mythology or the Bene Gesserit from Dune or the secluded, child-eating witches from European folklore and fairytales! Let’s make Christianity weird again!
Artist residencies come to mind the more I write about this. Secluding oneself to focus intensely and primarily on one’s art… You could look at it as seclusion as inspiration, which seems to be what the anchorites were doing in their cells alone every day! However, I should add that being an anchorite could be a horrible, nightmarish situation, considering that many Christians have such a deeply strange relationship with masturbation… You mean to tell me these hermits didn’t yank one out while they lived alone in a tiny room?! Not only was this probably enforced by others, but self-policing likely played huge roles in deterring these hermits from touching themselves beneath all that flax and linen! That, to me, is the absolute worst part of being an anchorite. Anyway, back to artist residencies: The urge to isolate oneself from the loud noises of cars passing by blaring Toddlers-and-Tiaras-extra-turned-popstar Sabrina Carpenter and unwarranted critiques from philistines in society is akin to the impulse to hermitize that anchorites felt themselves, leading them to fulfilling a cloistered life! I suppose the fault in this far-fetched comparison is that attendees of a residency eventually reenter society, whereas anchorites ideally spent eternity confined to their cell. Also, anchorites didn’t lose any money when they chose to lock themselves up; artists, on the other hand, aren’t so lucky. Sorry, artists!
If contemporary churches had anchorites, I imagine we would see them a lot on TikTok and Instagram Reels. Boys with the haircut that makes their head look like a stalk of broccoli would don dark robes à la archival Rick Owens that are cinched at the top of the torso so you can see how far out their ribs protrude, accentuating their commitment to an ascetic, gluttony-free life! Girls with curly mullets and glass-like skin thanks to Korean skincare would look as out of place as Sydney Sweeney “portraying” a nun in Immaculate. I can hear the affected voices these modern-day e-anchorites and e-anchoresses would record as voiceovers to their 30-second-long videos: “This is a day in the life of an anchorite withdrawn from secular society: I wake up around 3 am to pray for three hours. I then use my chamber pot to defecate yesterday’s Eucharist, which was my breakfast, lunch and dinner. By 7 am, I’m ready to start my day, which will consist of more contemplative prayer, counseling the townsfolk and flagellating myself for accidentally brushing my privates against a pillow last night!”
Anchorites may be one of the Catholic Church’s many historical faux pas, though perhaps with the invention of the automobile and, later on, the auspicious popemobile, Christians could really make a pretty penny with a traveling anchorite show. Even if anchorites are to stay locked away in a room, why not let the room move around? If anyone from the Vatican reads this and decides to take my idea and run with it, please credit me. Wouldn’t it be funny if an ex-Catholic who openly blasphemes about Christianity like me ended up spearheading an innovation in Catholic faith? I hope so!