#anonymous fronter

[proxycollective]

Good afternoon sysblr

How are we all doing today

[npdbpdpilled]

kill

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me on this blog so far: i hate i hate i hate i hate

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i fucking hate being crazy insane who allowed this

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i fucking hate when people cry and whine in vent channels it feels very performative to me every time

[twelve-nights]

i hate having the "productive" autism. (vent)

i know that even within the autistic community (or at least the parts of it i've seen-- i've never really interacted directly), there's a slight... praising? of it. praising isn't quite the word, but seeing it as slightly better than the "fixates on shows/medias autism", especially in jokes like "man, why did i get the anime autism instead of the science autism"

i fall somewhere between the two ("productive" special interests but a lot of short term media fixations), but i genuinely hate it. my big special interests are the technical side of art / art theories and the russian language.

i have basically no community. i've never been able to connect with anyone else over my special interests except for one person, one of my best friends who happens to be learning ukrainian and also loves languages (abit in a different way). it feels like people see me as pretentious, even other autistic people, when instead of infodumping about a show, i infodump grammar facts and the history of a language.

i can't really make fanart or fanfiction or make edits of or collect plushies of my spins. i hoard textbooks in a library. i transliterate text into cyrillic on the side of my classwork instead of doodling my blorbos. it "looks cool" or something, i guess, but i feel like it also pushes everyone away. i can't engage in fandom because the stuff i like doesn't HAVE a fandom. because it's not a media.

also on a small side tangent, even though i have "productive" fixations, i'm still fucked over by society. i feel like i have the worst of "productive" autism and "anime" autism. art is being taken over by ai. i doubt i'd ever really use russian except for like... understanding songs and comments on things or reading books. hell, i can't even go to that country without putting myself in danger. and what? does the us like a chinese person who can speak russian? a combination of the two things this country hates?

.

i don't know. i'm lonely, i guess. i really don't know how to end this

[isopodisland]

I have just awoken and I already detest my source and my source's fandom.

We shall see if these opinions change over time, as I get adjusted.

[isopodisland]

no one else follow - lucky number