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[ How do I even begin this. When I believe I have everything in order-- everything put together, something happens to make me doubt it all again. I have this meticulous pattern. A set of stacking blocks in order, that if one falls, it is okay-- there is another built stronger than the last to protect myself. Over time, I’ve realized that I needed more and more, one wasn’t enough. Two, three, ten.. I’ve lost count. However, they started tumbling so fast... When I think I’m safe, that’s when it all goes to hells. That’s when I forget to pick up the knocked over pieces and place them back in order. To line them all back up and make sure that I am protected for the next wrecking ball. This is my own fault. Perhaps I thought I could get by with it. That I could handle these sets of blows without fail-- that I had grown some sort of impenetrable shell, and that I did not need the extra protection. I’m foolish, I know this. I always have been. Javert came back with his son. Guillame. He’s beautiful. Spitting image of his father. Gods know how much I used to pray for a child. How ignorant I was to simply think that if I had an heir, the things I could do-- lay waste to, and leave the carnage behind for my child to clean up after. I’ve learned a lot, I feel, since then. There are rare occasions, I’ve considered-- deep seated regrets, and churning hatred that could possibly make me consider such horrible things again. But Gods know, I’d never leave such a burden to a child now. Gilly and Javert stayed the night, and while I wanted nothing more than to simply rest with Javert, and think about how wonderful it was-- I couldn’t. My mind wouldn’t stop. Gilly’s mother-- The things she’d do if she knew I merely existed. If she knew Javert lay with a Xaela, much less a witch, of all things. Far be it from me to be a self-proclaimed one at that, she’d deem it before I even would. A heathen, a wretched beast of sin and terror, set out to corrupt her child or some nonsense. She’d take Gilly away, and I am certain I’d never see him again. The fear in me that she could learn that I am Javert’s partner honestly pains me. I don’t want someone else taken from me. Especially a child. What’s more, that conniving cunt is back. I thought she was dead, and I had rid of her when Araris decided to stop existing around me. But, no. Finding she had played her games with Vespien at some point truly sickens me. Dusk has her toys, but she not only plays with them, she breaks them. Like some sort of destructive child, she can’t seem to just keep anything she touches in tact. Much less, hearing Vespien refer to her games as ‘intriguing’ certainly hurt. I’ve no say in what he does, or who he spends his time with anymore than the next person-- But knowing what that woman did to my ‘relationship’ with Araris, I suppose I have concern. Do I bring it up? Is that even worth it..? She will fester within me like a wound. I refuse to let her do this to another I care for. Will all of my relationships be like this? Will I always fear to be second best? That someone will have a vendetta against me? That someone will strive to take what I enjoy, and throw it onto the ground, only to stomp on it before I can save it? Do I seem too forward? Am I a coward? Have I not suffered the same fucking fate time and time again? Who will be taken from me next? Perhaps if I can prepare for it, it will soften the blow...
And I need to get Gabineaux a gift for Starlight... Shit. ]
ft. @javertdelacroix @divinedhalmel @araris-vairoy
