Mar 19, 2020
Me, wearing my aro and ace rings at the same time: Hell yeah,
Dual Wielding
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Me, wearing my aro and ace rings at the same time: Hell yeah,
Dual Wielding
The Courage to Fail
You're not always going to succeed with what you do.
Let me explain.
I’ve been in two relationships in my life that I would describe as traditional ships. The second relationship, in my late twenties, was a total and complete failure.
But I was young. In love with the idea of love. All the romance novels, all the romance movies, all the romance...(sigh). That is what I brought in. In order to have her I had to give up a good job, a uni course that I was really enjoying and a studio with a bunch of artists that I really liked. I just dropped everything and went to be with her.
It was a mistake that I always regretted. But how was I to know who she was? She lived interstate so it was long distance. I had to make a choice and I did. If I didn’t go I would have regretted it too.
I don't think I was in love...I just did it because that’s what you’re meant to do with a lover right? Put them first...! It was like some kind of self-destruct switch I had in my brain. I always went to sabotage what I liked for someone else's affections, no matter how little they had to give me, it was always more important than what I wanted to do in my life.
One day I was having a conversation with a good friend at the time, just after I ended it with Dee. She said: When are you going to stop pouring all that energy into another person? Imagine what you could do if you just kept that energy for yourself!
It was quite an insight--and she was right of course.
I feel best when I’m alone with my creative energy. I feel best when I do my thing in my studio and read books I like to read and spend a large amount of my time on my own. I’m not built to give to someone else my attention and also make the work I need to make to stay alive creatively. And most importantly I’m more in tune with my body...as soon as I transitioned I just felt better--more in tune with my lack of sexual well...anything.
But I have to say, that if I had not made those mistakes early on, I would never know what I know about myself now. It takes a lot of courage to be able to fail the way I did and then pick myself up and learn about my needs.
Back then the words Aro and Ace did not exist. At least not in my world. If you’re an Aro/Ace and you're reading this, you’d know what I’m talking about.
When I say I’m Aro/Ace I know it. I know it because I failed at listening to my deepest needs. I was too scared to say you know what? I don’t really feel this-this is not me.
I’m not saying that you need to get into a relationship to figure this out! I commend you if you already know and feel what you feel and accept your Aro/Aceness world from top to toe.
(I’m so proud of you I could burst!)
And if you’ve read this far then I’ll finish on this...Sometimes you might forget who you are, and sometimes you might fail...remember it takes a lot of courage to swim against the tide. It takes a lot of self-love, soul-searching and patience to be something that not a lot of people will get or understand.
It is ok to try and fail. It is ok to make mistakes. We learn and we grow, and one day we find ourselves just loving where we are, and who we are because we earned it.
And if I can do it and survive...so can you.
Much love
Sydney, September 2018.
The Intersection of Resistance.
Last night I was at a do and there was an alloromantic cis-woman who was interested in me. She is very attractive. I can tell she is interested with her body language, she is judging my social standing by asking me questions about what I do. It’s an old game. I’m nodding and smiling and the next thing she wants to hang out and she has my phone number.
On the drive home I’m in my head, I’m thinking what to do? I can’t be mean, it’s just not my nature--I’m an empath. Do I date her?
Hmm. I think about it. Then my gut does a lurchy thing. I don’t feel well. The idea makes me ill. I can’t. Of course, I know why...
I’m Aro/Ace. On one hand that feels so good to know my own nature...but damn the self-talk...
Me: ‘I could go back to grey land...’ ‘well, you know there's nothing wrong with that’
Head: ‘she is attractive...’
Me: ‘Not this again...!’
Yadda yadda...little mousy on the treadmill.
Then it dawned on me today that this is what is called an intersection of resistance. It’s that little point, of pressure, that in the heat of the moment makes me fight just to be who I actually am.
Let me explain.
I am defined by the choices I make (I’ve learned this the hard way) and when you know the truth about yourself abandoning that cherished knowledge is actually a form of self-harm. It is the slow murder of the truest expression of your soul. It’s worse than social judgement, it’s pure self-loathing--and this is because I get scared of having to go through all that social ostracisation again and rejection and urgh need I go on?
Resistance can hurt, and sometimes it is so hard to just go you know, ‘I think you’re really nice and err...no’
(Which is why we need strong support and to reach out to a caring and nurturing community. A strong community is another aspect of resistance, but we talk more about that later) I resist because this is how I stay true to my deepest needs. I resist because if I abandon myself to social pressure, then I relinquish my dignity and the thing that makes me so beautifully human--my unique (and flawed) differences.
This very nice human read me as a cis-normative alloromantic heterosexual guy that, of course, will be interested in her! See the pressure point...?
Still, she got my number right and that means something right?
Nope means nothing.
I have good and healthy boundaries. I know myself. I’m a beautiful Aro/Ace that’s just the way I’m made.
So, I’ve decided...I come out to her if she wants to date and say ‘Sorry but no’ If she wants to hang out and be friends, that is preferable, she was nice...I don’t have to be mean, I don’t have to explain it too much. Just set up my boundaries and expect respect.
(If someone doesn't respect you btw...you can't even be friends in my book. Always expect respect. And if they don't give it...to hell with them! heh)
Plenty of fishes in the sea and all my friends are fishes that are brave enough to swim with me.
Sydney, August 2018.
Post Card #33
Having swish, a little attitude towards the haters is a good thing in my world.
You encounter hate, that’s just the billions of stupid on the planet you have to share space with, sometimes they just show up all at once. Sometimes I really can’t bother myself to lift my index finger to the keyboard. Other times I bite back, but I do it in a way that gives me some grace. I don’ t yell or swear or get upset, I just do what my cat does when she’s pissed. She narrows her eyes...and dead stares me until I look away. Like she’s two feet tall...and I’m six foot two and still, she has the upper hand.
Any personal problem with people that can’t handle your Aro Ace self? I recommend handling it the same way. Step back and stare, like you’ve never seen this level of stupid in your life. People freak out when that happens.
Don’ t budge.
Watch em run like the little mice they are.
Assigning gender at birth is a violent non-consensual practice. It is not ok to decide for another human being (whether they be 'your' child or not) who, what and how they choose to be, and then rigorously enforce through ignorance and conformity. All beings have the right to self-determination...all beings are born free.
The Reply Post
Post Card #28
What does it mean to ‘Be Together’?
The twenty-first century shoves this idiom right down our throats. ‘Be together’--read ‘BE WITH SOMEONE’. Or my favourite subtext:
You are not anyone if you are not with someone!
Personally, being together for me is about something else. I think that it’s more than being with someone else, it's about being happy with your own companionship.
It’s about learning to listen to that little voice:
But I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want to have to date. I don’t want sex, Um I don’t get this at all--do I have to?
The answer is no. You don’t have to...not ever. Pursue your happiness my beautiful, radical Aro/Ace friend!
Being Together when you are alone is enough.
People don't judge you...they judge themselves and measure they're fear... you're all the things they're scared to be.
The Reply Post
Post Card #26
“Solitude stands by the window, She turns her head as I walk in the room, I can see by her eyes she's been waiting, standing in the slant of the late afternoon, She turns to me with her hand extended, palm is split with a flower, with a flame...”
Susan Vega. Solitude Standing.
As an Aro/Ace, people conceive of us as pariahs on the romantic spectrum. It’s too lonely, not having either of those things in my life. But really the issue is not that there is a problem with me, it’s that other people can’t fathom being alone as a positive thing. I don’t feel lonely, I see it as an opportunity for solitude, which offers me a wealth of possibility.
Loneliness is the experience of existentialist anxiety, the knowledge of supposedly being separate from others. Loneliness seeks to fill the void with all manner of arbitrary things. Loneliness is a social construct, it’s alienating and terrible. According to societies constructs ‘loneliness’ is cured with ‘togetherness’ a romantic or a sexual relationship ‘cures’ this.
Solitude is different. Solitude is the bridge between my body and the connection of life outside it. Solitude allows space between self and world with enough time to acknowledge the existentialist dilemma. It is the space that all creatives inhabit, space all introverts relish and gleefully pursue with abandon, and I work hard to protect it.