The Intersection of Resistance.
Last night I was at a do and there was an alloromantic cis-woman who was interested in me. She is very attractive. I can tell she is interested with her body language, she is judging my social standing by asking me questions about what I do. It’s an old game. I’m nodding and smiling and the next thing she wants to hang out and she has my phone number.
On the drive home I’m in my head, I’m thinking what to do? I can’t be mean, it’s just not my nature--I’m an empath. Do I date her?
Hmm. I think about it. Then my gut does a lurchy thing. I don’t feel well. The idea makes me ill. I can’t. Of course, I know why...
I’m Aro/Ace. On one hand that feels so good to know my own nature...but damn the self-talk...
Me: ‘I could go back to grey land...’ ‘well, you know there's nothing wrong with that’
Head: ‘she is attractive...’
Me: ‘Not this again...!’
Yadda yadda...little mousy on the treadmill.
Then it dawned on me today that this is what is called an intersection of resistance. It’s that little point, of pressure, that in the heat of the moment makes me fight just to be who I actually am.
Let me explain.
I am defined by the choices I make (I’ve learned this the hard way) and when you know the truth about yourself abandoning that cherished knowledge is actually a form of self-harm. It is the slow murder of the truest expression of your soul. It’s worse than social judgement, it’s pure self-loathing--and this is because I get scared of having to go through all that social ostracisation again and rejection and urgh need I go on?
Resistance can hurt, and sometimes it is so hard to just go you know, ‘I think you’re really nice and err...no’
(Which is why we need strong support and to reach out to a caring and nurturing community. A strong community is another aspect of resistance, but we talk more about that later) I resist because this is how I stay true to my deepest needs. I resist because if I abandon myself to social pressure, then I relinquish my dignity and the thing that makes me so beautifully human--my unique (and flawed) differences.
This very nice human read me as a cis-normative alloromantic heterosexual guy that, of course, will be interested in her! See the pressure point...?
Still, she got my number right and that means something right?
Nope means nothing.
I have good and healthy boundaries. I know myself. I’m a beautiful Aro/Ace that’s just the way I’m made.
So, I’ve decided...I come out to her if she wants to date and say ‘Sorry but no’ If she wants to hang out and be friends, that is preferable, she was nice...I don’t have to be mean, I don’t have to explain it too much. Just set up my boundaries and expect respect.
(If someone doesn't respect you btw...you can't even be friends in my book. Always expect respect. And if they don't give it...to hell with them! heh)
Plenty of fishes in the sea and all my friends are fishes that are brave enough to swim with me.
Sydney, August 2018.