The Reply Post

VoidPunk space. Aro/Aces only posts. Trans* safe space.

[aro-neir-o]

AUREA - Aromantic-spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy

Aromantic-spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy (AUREA) is happy to announce the website - aromanticism.org - we’ve been working on has been launched! We assemble general information and community updates. The website includes FAQ, vocabulary, research, news feed, online resources, links to in-person groups, and printable educational materials. Our aim is also to be a contact point for researchers and media looking to explore the aromantic experiences.

To be all that, we’re also looking for volunteers! You may (and please do, that’d be really great) also contact us to inform us about an aromantic-themed event, an article mentioning aromanticism, new group, new research (or old one that we missed), anything that is relevant to aromanticism and that we, in our nonomnipotence may miss otherwise!

[thereplypost-blog]

[thereplypost-blog]

Post Card #35

I went today to the Vegan market where my friends, an activist gay couple are on the campaign trail. On the outside they seem to have it all in the bag, both work, both seem to be well matched, both have a very good time together and seem happy and I know that they have been together almost fifteen years. 

But for me some strange shift begins inside, whenever I hang out with couples of any description. My boundaries begin to blur and there is this little sliver of pain that slips in and it’s just...like someone is quietly drowning far far away from shore.

I see myself like this, like I’m taking one last gulp of air before disappearing underneath the surface of a vast lake. I’m not sure why this happens and I’m never aware until I get myself alone--

My AroAce orientation is invisible. No-one can point and say--there is a happy AroAce person like they can at my gay friends and say ‘Gay’. The outside markers of the Aro-Ace are difficult to mark. 

Which means that it is also difficult to find solidarity, visibility and community. The cornerstones of PRIDE. 

It’s easy to forget who you are, to feel absent, invisible and erased because there is no ideal marker of external happiness for others to see.

I think that AroAce folks with dual identifications stand to lose out the most, and this blog is just a tiny corner of the internet. I hang on to it with both hands, and allow myself this tiny little space to breath. A snippet of self, with boundaries and strength...

I come here. I lay it down. I open up--I take back what has been stolen. I make new lines, and strengthen the boundaries.

It is your eyes that make this happen.

Thank you so much for reading...

[zemathememequeen]

[Image description: David raising the decapitated head of Goliath, Josephine Pollard (1899). Over the head reads: “the idea that i will get married and have children”. Over David: “little ol’ me”. Over Goliath’s body: “my family”.]

Credit: @thearoacevoid

[thereplypost-blog]

Abandonment

I’ve written about this before--and it’s been a little while since I’ve posted. But as Christmas flew past and 2019 looms I find myself alone in my studio thinking about a friend of mine who has recently just got into a new relationship. The more I’ m thinking--the more pissed I get. 

Two years ago we shared an apartment together in NYC, we road tripped together with another friend of ours and it was just us TransKids and the world. This guy Jack talked about being a serial monogamist and joked about ‘running out of decades’ between boyfriends and how he needed his freedom is now running out of time to experiment. He even entered the kink scene briefly where he played at being my pup. Well, I should have known that our friendship was short-lived and he hooks up with this very strange woman. 

She talked about being open and how he could hang out with anyone and have sex with anyone slowly saw a dramatic change of behaviour in my friend. He stopped calling so much, whenever he and I hang out, this woman comes along. I think in the last two years there is such a change in Jack and I see him go to India with her and now she’s moving in and it keeps going all over Facebook. 

I realised today, that this person that I had shared adventures with has put our relationship on the back burner. 

He has officially abandoned me. 

Why today though? I mean why now that the issue of loyalty suddenly finds me tripping? 

It’s because I feel alone, these two guys I opened my heart and home to, have in fact gone on to be in fulltime relationships. Jed got married, Jack is practically married. 

And my Aro-Ace self is left sitting here--invalidated. In the cold. Again. 

I find it hard to trust folks at the best of times, and many times I’ve been told that my heart is less than open. This may be true, and sometimes I am emotionally unavailable but I’m always ALWAYS loyal to my friends--and maybe that’s a failing on my behalf. 

Maybe it’s too much to expect loyalty from my friendships, but really its to blame a culture that de-values friendship altogether. I could do that, but then I’m railing at the walls angry as all hell and well...here I am again blogging about it. Not that I think that this is an inferior way to speak about what troubles me, or that you have wasted your time reading these words should you actually stumble across this text in the big bad internet.

But I have come back to my blog. Because here on this page, I can really be myself--I can say what I feel and for a few minutes while I’m writing my anger is valid.

Can I just say that it’s just not fair--I am still a valid person by being a friend too. 

I can’t switch my loyalty on or off like a light switch. 

If I could say something today, (that I haven't already said) all over this blog.

        👉🏽👉🏽👉🏽👉🏽💕FRIENDSHIPS ARE REAL SHIPS 💕👈🏽👈🏽👈🏽👈🏽

Don’t forget that. I’m beginning to think that ARoACe folks should just be loyal to other AroAces.

Maybe I need friends that are actually like me--and dgaf about a pretty boy or girl making moves on them or takes them overseas. But right now I’m just sitting here feeling betrayed and hurt.

Everyone always abandons the Aro-Ace. We need to be with our own!

[trainwreckbisexual]

christmas is coming soon so here’s lots of love for:

all the trans boys and nb people who are going to get “girl presents”

all the trans girls and nb people who are going to get “boy presents”

all the lesbians who are going to be asked why they don’t have a boyfriend

all the gay boys who are going to be asked why they don’t have a girlfriend

all the closeted kids who are going to have to listen to their families being homophobic and transphobic

all the lgbt kids who have to spend time with their abusive family members

all the lgbt kids whose families disowned them

all the trans boys and nb people who are going to have to dress feminine for their families

all the trans girls and nb people who are going to have to dress masculine for their families

lots of love to all of you, i wish you the happiest of holidays ❤️❤️❤️

[aroacecollective-blog]

Calling all aro/ace illustrators!

I’ve made this blog in hopes of curating a zine an by, for, and about aromantics and asexuals. Short term goal is the have a completed digital zine by the end of the year, long term goal is to make the zine serialized and eventually available in physical form.

 More details about the project will be posted in the near future but for the time being I just wanted to throw a line out there and see if there are any illustrators interested in submitting comics. 

Follow along to get project updates or you can message me with any questions. Let me know what you think!

~Erlynn

[thereplypost-blog]

Post Card #34

The Toxic walk around like zombies full of shame and judgement.

 There you are, feeling good about yourself for a change, you go out and you say good morning to your neighbour who doesn't reply. Then there is your boss that has never in the whole time you've been there acknowledges your presence, and then today they misgender you in front of everyone. You bust your best friend talking behind your back to everyone online about your newly found Aro/Ace status as if the betrayal wasn't enough you check Facebook to find about half of those same people just unfriended you mysteriously. Sound familiar? The fine tunes of Nick Cave's 'People just ain't no good' come wafting through these typing words. It's hard to say it aloud, it's hard to admit to myself that I am hurt by peoples behaviour. It still surprises me...Why! Why put so much trust in others if I'm only going to get hurt? Why don't I fit in anywhere? And who's listening? Who even cares? 

I feel defeated. I feel the dark come--so I just let it, growling under the blanket listening to the blackest of black metal. I am the misunderstood, the forlorn, I am the dark wind that rages tonight, I am a bag full of scorn chips, razor sharp and awful. 

Toxic people are everywhere. They are cruel and nasty little sociopaths with no heartbeat. I allow this thought to come: I know it is true. But there are some people that are really good...and caring and gentle also. This is also true. 

So what is right? Notice I didn't say who is right?

And a little voice comes up and says as quiet as a blink...who really cares what they all think?

[thereplypost-blog]

Post Card #33

Having swish, a little attitude towards the haters is a good thing in my world.

You encounter hate, that’s just the billions of stupid on the planet you have to share space with, sometimes they just show up all at once. Sometimes I really can’t bother myself to lift my index finger to the keyboard. Other times I bite back, but I do it in a way that gives me some grace. I don’ t yell or swear or get upset, I just do what my cat does when she’s pissed. She narrows her eyes...and dead stares me until I look away. Like she’s two feet tall...and I’m six foot two and still, she has the upper hand. 

Any personal problem with people that can’t handle your Aro Ace self? I recommend handling it the same way. Step back and stare, like you’ve never seen this level of stupid in your life. People freak out when that happens.  

Don’ t budge.

Watch em run like the little mice they are.

[herefortheace]

Some facts

- asexuality and aromanticism are minority orientations

- there is no ace or aro privilege

- aces and aros as a group do not benefit from sex-shaming or from the sexualization of oppressed groups

- many ace and aros are in fact harmed by sex-shaming and the sexualization of oppressed groups

- aces and aros are not more likely to be bad people than others, there is literally no reason or excuse to assume that

- asexuality and aromanticism are not desexualizing identities

- society at large is not thrilled about ace and aro identities. To start with, a lot of people think it’s not “normal” to not experience sexual attraction and a lot of people think romantic love is an essential part of “the human experience”

- society has zero qualms about pathologizing ace and aro identities, denying their existence and painting them as something in need of “fixing”

- aces and aros often do not learn their orientations exist until way late, if ever. They’re generally not taught about in school or college or in any comparable contexts and a lot of people with power there have zero interest in this changing (for example, because they think our identities are “unhealthy” and/or because they refuse to acknowledge them as orientations)

- a lot of aces and aros have recounted a lot of really bad experiences connected to people learning/knowing they’re ace and/or aro

- aces and aros are not in any way better protected from harm than other people

- there is literally no reason to act as if all this isn’t true

Gonna leave it at this for now

[thereplypost-blog]

The Courage to Fail

You're not always going to succeed with what you do. 

Let me explain.

I’ve been in two relationships in my life that I would describe as traditional ships. The second relationship, in my late twenties, was a total and complete failure. 

But I was young. In love with the idea of love. All the romance novels, all the romance movies, all the romance...(sigh). That is what I brought in. In order to have her I had to give up a good job, a uni course that I was really enjoying and a studio with a bunch of artists that I really liked. I just dropped everything and went to be with her. 

It was a mistake that I always regretted. But how was I to know who she was? She lived interstate so it was long distance. I had to make a choice and I did. If I didn’t go I would have regretted it too. 

I don't think I was in love...I just did it because that’s what you’re meant to do with a lover right? Put them first...! It was like some kind of self-destruct switch I had in my brain. I always went to sabotage what I liked for someone else's affections, no matter how little they had to give me, it was always more important than what I wanted to do in my life.

One day I was having a conversation with a good friend at the time, just after I ended it with Dee. She said: When are you going to stop pouring all that energy into another person? Imagine what you could do if you just kept that energy for yourself!

It was quite an insight--and she was right of course. 

I feel best when I’m alone with my creative energy. I feel best when I do my thing in my studio and read books I like to read and spend a large amount of my time on my own. I’m not built to give to someone else my attention and also make the work I need to make to stay alive creatively. And most importantly I’m more in tune with my body...as soon as I transitioned I just felt better--more in tune with my lack of sexual well...anything.

But I have to say, that if I had not made those mistakes early on, I would never know what I know about myself now. It takes a lot of courage to be able to fail the way I did and then pick myself up and learn about my needs. 

Back then the words Aro and Ace did not exist. At least not in my world. If you’re an Aro/Ace and you're reading this, you’d know what I’m talking about. 

When I say I’m Aro/Ace I know it. I know it because I failed at listening to my deepest needs. I was too scared to say you know what? I don’t really feel this-this is not me. 

I’m not saying that you need to get into a relationship to figure this out! I commend you if you already know and feel what you feel and accept your Aro/Aceness world from top to toe. 

(I’m so proud of you I could burst!)

And if you’ve read this far then I’ll finish on this...Sometimes you might forget who you are, and sometimes you might fail...remember it takes a lot of courage to swim against the tide. It takes a lot of self-love, soul-searching and patience to be something that not a lot of people will get or understand. 

It is ok to try and fail. It is ok to make mistakes. We learn and we grow, and one day we find ourselves just loving where we are, and who we are because we earned it.

And if I can do it and survive...so can you.

Much love

Sydney, September 2018.

[thereplypost-blog]

[fishyandclintbarton]

Because we all need to hear this sometimes.

I’ve been having a bad couple of weeks and I just really needed to hear these:

You are NOT a burden

You are valued 

You are NOT a shitty friend, even when you think you are

You don’t need to have it all figured out yet

It’s OK to have bad days

And it’s OK to hide from the world if you’re having a bad day

Because sometimes you just need to have some time to yourself

And that’s OK

You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to

What happened to you in the past is NOT your fault

Don’t feel guilty for not being productive

It’s going to be OK

Breathe

Relax

Recharge

YOU ARE WANTED

YOU ARE LOVED

YOU CAN DO THIS

I BELIEVE IN YOU

[thereplypost-blog]

[thereplypost-blog]

Post Card #32

Cat Mad Cat Daddy...

Humans are just so complicated. You can’t live with em and you can’t please em. Humans have no logic in their behaviours, often irrational, unpredictable in their likes and dislikes I’ve been seriously wounded by them on more than one occasion. 

As a child, these people called themselves my parents, siblings, schoolmates, teachers and any and all authority figures. I learned to not trust any of them and being an optimist I thought all of that would get better when I grew up.

Well, I’ve had some good experiences and bad ones, but the best ones were always with my cats. I’m going to name them here. Phino, Garfield, Natasha, Pangari, Layla, Nahare and Marley. 

People haven't really been understanding about my Asexual/Aromantic orientations. So I keep it largely to myself--my cat knows about it though and I can’t thank her enough, and right here on my blog--YOU GorGeous ARoSpacEAces!!

Where would I be without you?

MWah!

[thereplypost-blog]

The Rejection of Violence

I used to be the person with an eye for horror. I’m an old Goth I admit it, but lately, since I came out as Aro/Ace and especially living as a Vegan I’ve misplaced my taste for violence. Violence to me is not just the physical act of violence of one human to another but Violence is the non-consensual flow of information that is at odds with my very being.

It just seems to me that everywhere I go is a violent attack on my being. The buildings, the cold grey wet stone of the city, the constant flow of traffic, billboards everywhere. It just seems this endless flow of media that is fake, violent plots that are ridiculously romantic or involve death or murder or suicide or the mystery of these things. People that are hetero and white and rich and people that are cops that ‘kill’ bad guys or movies about mob bosses or Femme Fatales or fast cars. 

I never really encountered these things in my life. I don’t want to be vicariously entertained by these things. I’ve never killed an animal to eat it, I’m pretty kinky but it’s mostly playful and definitely consensual, I don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction or anything close to it. I don’t own a fast car, I like my motorbike. I like soft airy electro or hard dark sludge metal, I draw and paint and read good books, (lately more non-fiction) I despise sports and think cross-stitch is awesome. I bake, I shop at the local organic food co-op and I actually spend time (when I’m not studying) with real people mostly cats.

Being able to watch horror and senseless violence on TV says to me something is wrong with how I’m feeling. It isn't entertaining to be detached from what I’m feeling or experiencing. That’s called de-sensitisation. It means I’ve become numb to my natural human instinct for compassion and empathy.

TV is the apathy creation tool of modern life.

It’s just like a drug, people desire to be numb, not awake and self-aware. Because if you have to actually feel those things then you would feel actual pain and in order to not feel the pain you would have to change your behaviour.

This change can be scary for some people. It’s better to not feel at all--that’s what all this violent media, sport and television say to me. DON’T FEEL! It’s DANGEROUS. Or ‘YOU HAVE TO FEEL IT THIS WAY’. Bollocks.

I don’t think that society can ever change its fascination with vicarious living. But I can choose to not participate. Protecting my sensitive senses is actually something I can do--being active in my life means limiting TV and YouTube videos. Limiting Violent EVERYTHING.  It means being active in my own learning and my being proactive about what I produce as an artist.

The Media Excludes us--me, that is unique and true. This is not a bad thing. 

It just gives me more room to grow.

[thereplypost-blog]

Post Card #31

The say of ‘home is where the heart is’ is not just a cliche.

The heart to me is not about encompassing romantic feelings for a sexual partner.  As an Aro/Ace we are judged for being ‘loveless’, but that simply isn't true.

The heart is actually a house and inside that house is where ‘home’ is made. 

Home is the place of nurture, safety, warmth, compassion, empathy, honesty and kindness. Home is self-knowledge and gentle self-discipline. Home is the people you call your tribe--your community. The feeling behind ‘community’ is the need to commune with like-minded individuals. It’s where we nurture solidarity, strength, understanding and communication. The feeling of belonging and community is essential for happiness and longevity, not just survival.

As an Aro/Ace I don’t need a partner to be complete. If I have a strong caring community, it is all I actually need.