It’s my biannual post about General Conference, except it’s a week late and it’s long.
For a few years now during General Conference, I will sit bed and snuggle with my cat as I listen and watch to what the apostles, prophet, and other high-ranking members of the church give talks. During the weekends of conference I’m also on Tumblr, reading people’s feedbacks on talks and for the most part I make my own post about a talk that stood out to me. Typically I am able to catch at least three of the sessions, if I’m lucky I will catch four session, and very rarely I will listen and watch all five sessions. This October 2021 none of this happened, and I feel like I need to talk about it.
If all of my post is too much to read, which it’s okay if it is, here is the last paragraph of my post, which is the message I want to leave with you. “The school therapist said that with some of the things that I am facing that it may take a lifetime to work through, and it’s okay, because it won’t stop me from living my life. Heavenly Father is okay with me (actually He’s more than okay with me and with you). I just need to be okay with me.”
Three warnings: subtle mentions of homophobia, this post is going to be long, and I have a lot of feelings which may result in this post being disjointed. And for those of you who are stumbling across me on Tumblr for the first time: I am asexual, a lifelong member of the church, and the only person among my immediate family and very close friends that is a member of the church (i’m not saying that as a “hahaha i’m better than them.” it’s basically me saying “i feel alone on my journey.” also i very much understand why a person would want to leave the church.)
Without further ado, let’s jump in.
About a week or so before the October 2021 General Conference, I knew that I wasn’t going to watch conference. There were two reasons for this, one I still live at home with my dad (mom is out of the picture) and he wanted to run errands over the weekend in which I always come. This second reason is that for the first time, I felt like I really couldn’t sit through any of General Conference. I did make an effort to watch the first hour of the Sunday Session and I liked it, but I had to leave after the first hour to finish running errands.
I have been spiritually and mentally off with the church for a few years now. I have not made my identity as a queer woman known to anyone outside of my immediate family and close friends, and since no one in my ward falls under any of those two categories, none of them know. As a result of this, I have sat through a couple of conversations during church time that I know would never been had in front of me (or maybe they would have, who knows). In addition to this, I do feel a little more alienated in my ward because I am what is called a “young single adult” attending a “family ward.” People my age typically go to a ward with single people in their age group. I have tried a few times to attend these wards and I have found it unsafe and uncomfortable to attend. This isn’t because of anything that has been said or done, but I just feel uncomfortable in a setting where it is expected that I will mingle with men to find a boyfriend/husband. Overall I have found that I best fit in a family ward, despite the few drawbacks of being a young single person in a family ward.
By the start of March of 2020, I was feeling really hurt. I felt hurt because of the far and few comments made by church members about people that are LGBTQ and as a result, me. When COVID-19 had forced everyone to stay home every Sunday for church, I was elated. I no longer had to plaster a smile on my face and make an attempt of belonging. As a side note: It’s actually kind of ridiculous for me to do that because everyone is unique and although the church preaches “we’re all different,” the members work hard to appear as a monolith. I hate it. I have never fit it and I will not make any effort to do so. I won’t erase who I am. Anyway, I was happy to be at home during that period of time. I would hope onto church Zoom to give a lesson in Relief Society where I tried to focus my lessons on love and loving yourself, which I sometimes felt like it fell upon closed ears.
Sometime in the Summer of 2020, my church started to have sacrament meeting in-person. I did not go in fear of catching COVID-19 and passing it along to my high-risk father. At the time masks were very much encouraged, but knowing people’s habits, they would show up to church unmasked and heaven forbid, sick. To my knowledge, there wasn’t any spreading of COVID-19 through members of my ward due to any recklessness. I don’t remember if there was parts of Sacrament meeting were on Zoom, but regardless of this, I did not go to church. At this point my hurt was turning into anger and I couldn’t bring myself to attend.
On top of all of this, not too long ago, ward boundaries were redrawn and half of my ward was combined with another ward, with my ward also combining with another ward. Going to church is hard enough as it is for me, with all the people and trying to quietly blend in, but adding on the fact that now I don’t know a good portion of those people has made me feel intimidated and uncomfortable. On the bright side, I know that I am not the only one who feels this way.
With all of this being said I have mentioned in passing that during this time, and even now, that I feel hurt and angry. When the feelings of anger first came about, I thought and hoped that it was going to be a short-term anger where I could tell a few people about my anger and then get over it. That did not happen. My anger festered and I didn’t like it. I wanted and want it to stop. I don’t want to feel long-term anger because of the things that people have said. I don’t want to feel long-term anger at what I feel will happen if I am to live my life in an authentic and true manner. I don’t want to feel long-term anger at the fact that Heavenly Father has told me and my queer siblings that we do belong, and yet face the issues that we face with too many members of the church. My anger hurts and I want to let go and be free.
As a result of this anger I could not bear to watch or listen to the October 2021 General Conference. I’ll be real with all of you, when I miss a session I don’t go back a try to watch it. General Conference is a long ordeal and to sit through any session takes a lot for me. And as much as I try, it is not a priority for me to go back and watch it.
If I had made this post last week, I would have stopped here and been like “Yeah I’m angry and things aren’t looking great for me. Oh and I want to go to graduate school and my best bet is BYU. :)” But there is a ray of sunshine that shone down on me and although there is still pain, I think that I am starting to heal as best as I can. Now back to the story.
Things took a not really great turn when I tried to explain to my dad my asexuality a few nights ago. As usual, he told me that one day I will find someone. Unfortunately I am not a confrontational person and I just sat though him “proudly” encouraging me that I will find someone. He is convinced that I am lesbian and although there is nothing wrong with that, it is not who I am. Anyway, after what he perceived to be our conversation, I cried. I cried in anger at myself for having that conversation with my dad knowing that he would say what he would say. I cried because I am so tired. I cried because I am afraid. I cried because I’m lost. In typical me fashion, I sat down on my bed and through my tears, I asked Heavenly Father to help me. It wasn’t the first time I asked Him for help, but something about this time was different. After a few minutes my tears subsided and I quickly went to sleep, wanting to forget the weights that I carry.
The next day, which was Friday, I got up for work and still felt heavy in my heart. I knew that I had hit a point that if I don’t do something, things will get a lot worse. I am a teacher at a small school and we have a school therapist who is mainly there for the students, but we [teachers and staff] have been told that we can speak to her about whatever it is we need. As I was working through my morning prep, there was a nagging feeling that I needed to do something because I would not make it through the weekend, and maybe even the day, without major issues. After doing what I had absolutely had to do to prep for the day, I went to the school therapist and talked about my hurt, anger, and the trauma that I know has exasperated my issues. Within a few minutes of speaking to her, I knew that I was going to start my journey of healing. I won’t go into any detail about what she said because a lot of it focuses on my traumas and one in particular that I spoke about for the first time in my life. (honestly, i am proud of myself for talking about that one trauma with her because it’s difficult/feels impossible to bring up)
With all of that being said, the school therapist gave me a glimmer of hope and healing for myself. With the guided introspection that she gave me, I feel like I am finally ready to move on and heal from the pain. Am I physically going to start attending church? I’m not sure. This whole COVID-19 thing and dealing with new people is not my cut of tea. Am I still hurt? Yes, but a little less than yesterday and the day before. And I know that tomorrow I will be a little less hurt. Am I still angry? Yes, but a little less than yesterday and the day before. And I know that tomorrow I will be a little less hurt.
The school therapist said that with some of the things that I am facing that it may take a lifetime to work through, and it’s okay, because it won’t stop me from living my life. Heavenly Father is okay with me (actually He’s more than okay with me and with you). I just need to be okay with me.
Being asexual and Mormon is weird??? Because I want to have relationships with women too (I'd want to marry a woman tbh just because they're better at emotional reciprocation) but I want to get sealed but I don't want a sexual relationship but what's a "sin" is sexual relations with the same gender and technically by not having kids or not getting married and not wanting to get married I'm not eligible for that but I don't think that I'm going to get to the next life and suddenly be sexually interested in people because I'm not broken, I don't want this, but everyone talks so much about the way that relationships are so integral to the plan of salvation and basically I'm just an angry potato about the whole thing I don't want to go to church anymore because no one really tries to understand.
I have to write something here since I don’t think I have anyone in my life anymore that I can talk to about this so that I can process this information. Also has background info, I’m a young unmarried adult and I go to my family ward.
The stake that I’m a part of changed the ward boundaries for three wards, and my ward was one of them that was changed. I have been in my ward for 15 years and today they changed who is part of my ward. There are still people that I know in this new ward that has been created, but there are also many new people in my ward. I am not shy in saying that this change terrifies me. I would be less anxious if this was a move that I had actively made on my own. Also I’m kind of sad because of these new ward boundaries I have been released from my callings. :(
On the bright side, I do know most of my new bishopric so I won’t have to deal with the terror of trying to figure out if a new bishop will not push me to go to a YSA ward. Also another good thing about this is that my ward will meet in the morning and not in the afternoon.
*Also as a side rant, in typical Utah fashion, these new ward boundaries don’t geographically make sense. :))))) My entire neighborhood group is being split up and it’s going to be weird, especially for those that aren’t members but still have a strong camaraderie with everyone in the neighborhood. I wonder if the ward boundaries will change the activities that we do as a neighborhood.
Long story short: this is a lot to take in and right now it’s hard to process.
I don’t think I’ve ever said this, but tonight I feel prompted to do so. I want to thank you all so much for your kind messages and your support whenever I share parts of who I am and where I am on my journey.
In the last half of this year I have had to deal with loss and the grief that follows, and during this process I have come to see how warm and kind people are, especially when they see that a person has fallen down.
Every one of your comments and messages means the world to me, not only because it makes me feel less alone as I walk my path, but also because I feel seen by all of you. I hope that wherever you are, that you know that I care for you. You matter. I see you.
