#ask wick

[yet-another-heathen]

Hey I'm the anon from the intersex blog who was curious about PCOS and T. What has your transition process been like and your timeline changes?

I have a couple specific questions too:

1) Are you insulin resistant, if so, did T make that worse for you? I read a singular account about somebody becoming diabetic pretty quickly after starting T shots and that kind of is scaring the shit out of me.

2) Do you have any sort of progesterone IUD? If so, how has that impacted your transition? I have one and I'm considering getting it taken out and swapped for a non hormonal one.

@yourfaveisintersex Tagging you because you helped get the conversation started, and this may help other intersex transmascs!

Hey anon! Thanks for reaching out. I'm going to put most of this under a cut because it got so long—I included pictures! I'll answer your specific questions first:

1) I've never been tested for insulin resistance, but T did not affect my A1C levels at any point in my transition. Definitely ask your endocrinologist about this! They'll be able to give you a much more accurate risk assessment.

2) I did have a progesterone IUD for many years both before and after starting my transition—I believe the specific brand I was on was Skyla, followed by Mirena. The hormone aspect of the IUD did not affect my transition progress in any way, but I did eventually start having complications due to vaginal atrophy.

My uterus was not happy to begin with, and within the first year of my transition, my body began treating my IUD like a foreign body. This was eventually resolved by removing my IUD, switching to a different form of birth control, and eventually getting a hysterectomy (which I already wanted and had been fighting to get for a looong time, not as a complication of the IUD).

Now here's the thing—in those first couple years, the vaginal atrophy I experienced made my already severe uterine pain go from bad to worse. But AFTER my hysterectomy, which included the removal of my ovaries, my vaginal atrophy not only stopped in its tracks—the amount of self-lubrication and the health of my tissue in general SKYROCKETED. All of my pelvic pain and dryness vanished, and since then my vaginal health has been better than it's ever been before in my life.

The issue was my estrogen/progesterone, not testosterone. I truly can't put into words how much every aspect of my pelvic & vaginal health improved once I was only on T, rather than relying on whatever fuckery my PCOS was up to.

I can't give you specific advice on whether to switch to non-hormonal, because that's more a matter of whether cramping and heavy bleeding is already a big problem for you. Copper IUDs are known to make that worse. I can say for sure that you can stay on the hormonal IUD and not have it affect your visible transition progress, but beyond that, I'd speak to your doctor.

If you do transition and start experiencing worsening cramps/pelvic pain, don't wait like I did: definitely consider a switch to the arm implant or other forms of birth control. Don't ignore your pain until your uterus is so angry that it gives you a cancer scare.

My Transition

Start of transition, Sept 2021 → Oct 2024 (3 years on T)

Okay, so on to my transition results in general. I'll start off with giving you a little more background on the body + genetics I was starting off with, because they factor in as well as my PCOS:

I have been overweight my entire life, as have every member of my family going back about two generations. I was VERY pear-shaped, carrying almost all my weight in my hips, butt, and thighs

I started off with a three octave vocal range (G2 sharp to G5 sharp), which is loosely considered a baritone/contralto with an abnormally high upper range

I have clitoromegaly, vaginal hypospadias, PCOS, and possibly some other underlying intersex conditions that haven't been fully investigated

I became disabled after transitioning. I have gained about 70lbs over the course of the last 5 years as a direct result of my disability, NOT due to testosterone

my father is a big fuzzy bear

my father has a very full head of hair, but a unique, exaggerated widow's peak hairline that looks like it's allllmost starting to recede, but isn't

my siblings and I have all been told our entire lives that we look just like our father

That said, I now look like a younger (and gayer and hotter and kinder and vastly more fashionable) carbon copy of my father.

This is not a bad thing! This does not mean that you will end up looking just like me. I would say that you should take a look at your father (and your maternal grandfather, especially if you already resemble your mom) and base your expectations off of them.

You'll still be in control of things like fashion, fitness, grooming, and so many other factors of your appearance that have nothing to do with genetics—but looking at your specific family will give you a better blueprint than only looking at other trans guys.

Alright, now all this said—I do believe that, because of my PCOS, my transition has gone BETTER than it has for many of my trans friends.

I'm GNC, and never really set out to pass as cis. But especially this last year or two (3-4 years into my transition), I frequently get literal jaw-drop reactions when I tell people I'm trans. I pass very, very well, even though that isn't always my goal.

Timeline

Disclaimer: Memory issues are a part of my disability. I'll be doing my best to recall my earlier transition as accurately as I can, but I'll be limited in how much detail I can give. That said, I think my early transition was weirdly slow to begin with, and I don't think it necessarily reflects what you'd experience.

Beginning:

Aug 2021, 1 month before starting T

I started my medical transition in Sept 2021, at the age of 23.

I started off on a moderate dose, which we gradually increased over the following months. For most of my transition, I've been on the moderate to higher end of the scale, usually in the 0.3-0.45ml range (out of a possible ~0.0-0.5ml range).

Year 1 - 1.5:

Dec 2022, 1 year on T

My transition results started off very slow. I lost the upper portion of my vocal range, but didn't gain much on the lower end—which was unexpected, but fine, because my lower range was already quite deep.

I experienced only a little bottom growth beyond my preexisting clitoromegaly.

Body weight redistribution was very, verrrry slow to start. I saw the clearest change in my arms and legs, as they became significantly more toned and muscular. However, I still carried my extra weight in my hips.

I did experience a significant changes to my facial structure, amount of muscle growth, increase in body and facial hair, and an absolutely batshit libido. While I wasn't experiencing the dramatic and sudden changes that my partner had when he transitioned, I was still easily able to see myself changing month by month, and I loved what I saw.

Years 2 - 3:

Mar 2024, 2.5 years on T

As soon as I started gaining weight (again, unrelated to T), that's when my body weight redistribution finally took off. My hips narrowed as weight shifted to my abdomen, and my overall silhouette became much more masculine. Sadly, this came at the expense of my luscious, luscious butt 😔🪦

Every aspect of my transition that was slow to start really took off during this time. My voice continued to deepen, my face continued to change, I gained more bottom growth, built more muscle, and overall began seeing BIG results that I'd begun to worry that I wouldn't reach.

I ended up with plenty of body hair, including a lot of fuzz over my stomach and chest that slowly spread. When I first started my transition, body and facial hair were some of the things I was most hesitant about—I don't need to tell you how much being teased about those things sucks as someone with PCOS—but they very quickly ended up becoming one of my favorite things about transitioning. The shame vanished, the euphoria set in, and every inch that it spread made me love my body more and more.

Near the two year mark, I started growing out my beard. The first time I attempted it, I only kept the stubble for a couple months because it became clear that I still had some patchy spots that weren't ready yet. I shaved it off again, waited another six months, and tried again.

By that point my stubble was much fuller, and I helped it along using a dermaroller and minoxidil. Within 3-4 months I had a respectable beard going, and was suddenly passing everywhere I went. I LOVED IT. I've had it ever since, and don't plan to shave it off Ever.

Year 4 - present:

Oct 2025, 4 years on T

I have a full chest of hair. I have a full beard. I've developed my father's hairline (but know for a fact that I can move it back to where it was before using dermaroller + minoxidil, if I ever choose to do so). My body shape is distinctly masculine. All of these are things I believe my PCOS helped with, even if they were also due to genetics.

My voice is continuing to deepen a little at a time. I have plenty of bottom growth, even if most of it is girth. I do feel like having PCOS/clitoromegaly might be why I didn't see as dramatic an increase in length as I've seen with some other trans guys—I went into it expecting to get a ton of growth based on how big I started off, and instead wound up pretty average compared to the pics I've seen on reddit's r/GrowYourTDick.

Overall, I feel like having PCOS prepped my body for transition. It might have started off slow, but my transition is waaaay ahead of what I see most other trans guys reach by the 4 year mark.

Once I had my hysterectomy and switched over to a completely testosterone-based system, my progress skyrocketed. I feel like my body was already prepped to accept masculinizing hormones, because it sure as hell did not like relying on estrogen.

I'm a full-fledged Man now. Everything about my transition continued its "growth spurt", both spreading and simultaneously... setting in. Maturing. Deepening. It's so hard to describe, but the changes have stopped feeling transient / superficial. I wasn't only approaching masculinity, I've suddenly found myself looking MORE masculine than many of the cis men around me.

I feel it, too. I'm not in the process of transitioning—I'm here. All the hesitation is gone. My body is MINE, and even if I were to be forced off T tomorrow, nobody can take these changes away from me. All they'd do is give me my butt back.

Jokes aside... love, I really can't tell you how good this feels. This is 4 years in. I have another 60+ years ahead of me. I am going to get to watch myself grow into a Big Handsome Bear. I will get to be a forty year old gay man. The rest of my life, I'll get to see these changes keep maturing and deepening along with me, and it will truly only get better from here.

I'm home. This was worth every second. And if your PCOS is what you're worried about, I hope this softens your fears.

[yet-another-heathen]

On the topic of realistic conditioning/deconditioning,

If the trigger is something whumpee wouldn't hear often when they're with caretaker but whumpee still wants to break it because they might hear it elsewhere (like kneel being taken as a command)

Would whumpee ask caretaker to casually trigger them so they have the opportunity to challenge it in their own head and in a safe place? Would this be a good idea for recovery?

And of course being there with the praise everytime whumpee makes just a little bit of progress, or comfort when they don't.

Heads up, anon: your ask was an EXCEPTIONALLY good one, and I ended up writing another mini TED talk (~3-4 min read) in response. Thank you so much for sending it in!

...on Conditioned Whumpees - Part 3

[ Part 1 - Part 2 ]

That is a very, very good idea! You're spot on with all of it, particularly operating in a safe environment where whumpee is ultimately calling the shots. Having that comfort/support readily available will make a huge difference in how well whumpee can tackle the matter. And while the process isn't fun, approaching desensitization with this much intent is much, much more likely to result in success.

I can offer a few pointers that can add another few layers of realism, as well as some other things to think about while tailoring it to your story:

if whumpee is actively working through their conditioning in this way, memories of their trauma will become closer to the surface. As a result, all of their other PTSD symptoms will be elevated during the course of their practice sessions, as well as for at least a few weeks after.

flashbacks are a very common experience during times like this. engaging with triggers like this is going to cause their flashbacks to become more frequent and intense.

during such flashbacks, it is almost a given that whumpee's mind and body will enter a similar state to the one it was in during the time when the flashback was taking place. By that I mean that the fear they felt in that moment, where it was physically located in their body, will echo into their body in the present moment. Same goes for other all other emotions, and sometimes even phantom aches surrounding any injuries they received at the time...

while the emotions tend to be identical to the ones felt during the trauma, in my experience, the pain comes out distorted in a similar way to the way it does in dreams: less intense, and more "blurry" and imprecise in location. When we say that someone having a flashback is "reliving the moment", we mean that their body literally feels as though they're in the same immediate danger that it was in back then.

this is true even though they'll be aware to at least some degree that they're presently with caretaker and safe.

the flashbacks don't always happen immediately after the conditioning trigger is used. Often they flare up hours or days later, sometimes without warning, sometimes as a result of encountering a different flashback trigger. The whumpee's thresholds for what counts as a trigger will drop, which is part of what causes the flashbacks to happen more often. Something they could normally ignore is going to affect them much more while they're like this.

your whumpee is more likely to experience severe mood swings while in this heightened state. Especially feelings like irritability, frustration, anger, loneliness, and grief. This stuff ain't pretty, folks. Even your sweet cinnamon bun is most likely going to lash out at someone as a result.

PTSD episodes are also exhausting. your whumpee is going to feel mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. And, to add insult to injury, being tired amplifies the emotions listed above.

Now all of this said, your whumpee may or may not know that this is to be expected. If they've worked on processing their trauma before this, they'll have figured out that one often leads to the other. They'll go into the deconditioning practice knowing this is coming, and will approach it carefully, but with a fairly level head. Knowing that it'll suck, but they'll come out the other side okay.

If not, they're in for a rather nasty surprise.

For the latter, they will feel at first that the deconditioning practice is making everything worse. They're suddenly struggling the way they did when the trauma was fresher, and it can be tempting to stop and refuse to touch it again because the mental/emotional pain gets so intense.

If they do give up at this stage, it will make trying again far more daunting in the future.

But the trauma being stirred up is actually a sign that it's helping. It means that the whumpee is starting to process what happened to them, which is a fundamental step in being able to heal.

Note: All throughout the process, crying is a very good thing. It lets them physically get rid of a lot of the brain chemicals associated with these surges of emotion. Letting themselves cry over things they couldn't cry about back then can actually help them let go of those feelings in a similar way to if they'd been able to process them in the moment. [Which is the basis for much of EMDR, a specialized tool used in trauma therapy.]

Okay. So now we know what other effects can cascade from the actual deconditioning practice, now we have some things to consider.

First off, what time parameters are whumpee and caretaker working within while deconditioning? There are three basic options:

they sit down together and practice repeatedly using the trigger for [X amount of time; usually <45m at once] back to back. Once that time is up, caretaker will no longer use the trigger at all, the excercise will end, and they'll get up to do something else.

whumpee sets a specific window of time [X number of hours] within which caretaker will use the trigger word at random points. Once that time has elapsed, the exercise is over.

over the course of days, caretaker uses the trigger word at random points without giving warning. the excercise only stops after being ended by whumpee.

Now why is that important? Because of something called hypervigilance. It is another symptom of PTSD which, to put it into the simplest words, is whumpee waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's a heightened state of tension and wariness in which whumpee is expecting that something bad is going to happen, and is constantly searching for any sign to indicate when it's coming.

It is beyond exhausting.

Imagine knowing that someone is about to slap you as hard as they can, and you have to sit there with your eyes closed, waiting for it. The breath-holding, the flinchiness, the rigid tension in your body as you strain to listen for when they're coming.

Only now, stretch that moment out into hours. Days. Weeks. That is hypervigilance.

A hypervigilant whumpee is not going to be able to relax. Or rest. Or decompress. Or readily trust much of anything around them. They're MUCH more likely to flinch at sudden movements/sounds. They might start biting their nails or showing other signs of nervousness and distress.

These methods above have a gradually increasing chance of setting off whumpee's hypervigilance. If they know exactly when the next trigger is coming, as in example 1, then their 'waiting for it' tension will be low. But the more uncertain they become of exactly when it's going to happen, as in examples 2 & 3, the worse the hypervigilance is going to get.

The trade off is that the later examples are more effective in desensitizing them toward the trigger. The more their practice mimics encountering an unexpected trigger in day-to-day life, the easier it will be to fall back on that desensitization when the time comes.

Therefore, it would be a very good idea for a whumpee who's new to this to start with number 1, then gradually progress to 2 & 3 as time goes on. They should be the one to decide when the next step is made, and if/when they need to dial it back.

Other questions to ask yourself while plotting:

how mentally prepared is whumpee for worsening symptoms? what about caretaker? did either of them know it was coming?

how much of this heightened PTSD stress can your whumpee take before it becomes too much? how do they react when they do hit that tipping point?

if caretaker feels that whumpee is getting too distressed during practice even though they're not tapping out, would they call it off themself? Or would they ultimately leave that decision to whumpee?

based on the answer, how would whumpee feel about caretaker's decision? Relieved? Belittled? Betrayed?

does whumpee have any grounding tools they can use while practicing?

how does caretaker handle the mood swings and instability that come with whumpee's heightened PTSD? You should consider both their internal and external reactions on the matter.

how does whumpee prefer to decompress after a practice session? what things would help them calm down and recover?

how long do they need (hours or days) before the next attempt?

Even with all I've just written, there's far more to the resulting hightened state of PTSD than flashbacks and hypervigilance. PTSD symptoms that they're most likely to encounter in the background while doing deconditioning practice include:

Flinchiness, anxiety, panic attacks, nightmares, exhaustion, emotional mood swings, outbursts, crying spells, depression, executive dysfunction, dissociation, numbness, racing thoughts, freeze responses, tremors, inappetence, muscle tension, and heart palpitations.

Yes, usually many of them at once, even those that contradict. Your whumpee is going to have a LOT going on at once, and it is not going to be a fun time. I recommend looking up any of the above symptoms you don't recognize, and looking for whump inspiration in what you learn.

(Because everyone experiences PTSD episodes differently, there's a lot of wiggle room in which ones whumpee will encounter. Don't feel pressured to use all of them, find what you want to write and have fun with it!)

Thanks again for the incredible ask, anon. And again, I want to congratulate you on how spot-on your original ask was. You nailed it. I know this was a lot more than you asked for, but I hope this provides helpful context for your whump! My inbox will always be open if you think of anything more <3

[yet-another-heathen]

I saw ur really informative post on conditioning and said with whumpers uts about using pain again and again

Any advice about caretakers deconditioning?

[ Referring to this post. ]

The first and most important thing is that the caretaker cannot decondition the whumpee for them. It's not possible. That progress is entirely internal, and requires a massive amount of introspection, self-motivation, and practice from the whumpee themself. There simply are no shortcuts.

What the caretaker can do is be there for them while the whumpee fights toward their own recovery. They can be the stability that whumpee needs in order to work through these massive problems on their own.

Deconditioning is awful. It involves repeated failure, over and over and over, working toward lessening the response. It is incredibly frustrating, painful, heartbreaking, and at times it feels completely hopeless.

Progress is so non-linear that they can spend months improving and then backslide nearly back to the beginning the next time they get caught off guard. At times it'll feel like they're stuck at the same point and can't get any further, like a future where they will be free of it may not exist at all.

At many points, your whumpee is going to feel heartbroken. They're going to spiral into, "Why can't I do this? Why can't I make it stop?" and, "I thought I was past this!" and, "Will I ever be able to undo what whumper made me?"

A good caretaker can be there to comfort them when things go wrong. They can hold them while they cry. They can listen to them when they go into a sobbing, breathless rant about how much it hurts. They can make sure that whumpee knows they have someone who doesn't think of them as broken or lesser because of what they've gone through.

If you absolutely need something active for your caretaker to do, and whumpee feels it would help... have your whumpee ask for help brainstorming a reward system. If there's a situation where they're around other people and the caretaker spots the trigger coming, they can try to redirect conversation away from it before it hits (preferably without anyone realizing they're doing it for whumpee's sake). When whumpee has just been triggered and wants nothing more than to be alone, caretaker can make sure their boundaries are respected. They can make sure they have somewhere safe to go.

Even more importantly, they can help by highlighting the moments of whumpee's progress. Pointing out their successes, how far they've come. Reminding them that the ups and downs are supposed to happen. That trauma recovery is a rollercoaster, not a straight line.

As a whumpee in that state, it's very easy to feel like they're making no progress. That even when they succeed, the tiny bits of success are hollow, because 'they shouldn't be like this in the first place'. Have your caretaker help them actually see the healing as it grows.

A realistically conditioned whumpee does not need someone to fix them. They need someone to be there for them while they save themselves.

---

This was such a good ask, thank you for sending it my way!

[yet-another-heathen]

To the Anon who sent me the conditioning ask about your detective OC investigating her own trauma:

Hey love! <3

First things first, I want to thank you for sending me those asks! You haven't offended me at all, and you've raised some very good (if rather complicated) questions.

I'm currently recovering from surgery, and my head is more than a little fuzzy from painkillers. I'm still working on piecing together my answers, but wanted to let you know that I'm having a lot of fun chipping away at your questions! It's keeping my mind pleasantly busy.

I might ask you some questions in the reblogs of this post if they come up, and will try to keep this queued in the hopes that you'll see it. Please feel free to send me more details over asks if you have any. Usually the more info I have, the easier it is to get into specifics. But otherwise, I just wanted you to know that I'm not ignoring you!

Thanks again for reaching out, and for being so mindful in how you ask. I'll be keeping that second message private, but it means a LOT to me that you sent it 🫂

Take care <3

[yet-another-heathen]

To my beloved Whump Community,

I'll make you a deal. Donate $5 (€5) or more to ANY Palestinian fundraiser, show me the receipt, and I'll write you:

A 300+ word whump drabble using generic characters and the tropes of your choice. I will write anything (yes, anything) including NSFW if you're 18+

OR

6+ whump prompts/inspiration on your topic of choice

OR

A custom whump OC. You can take your pick of whumpee, whumper, or any other archetype. I'll have you answer some questions on your preferences, and will custom-tailor your adoptable character to your tastes.

Not comfortable picking one fundraiser over the other? Donate to Gaza Funds, and they'll distribute it to the families where it can do the most good.

Do you know anything i can donate to for palestine that's not the gofundmes because the idea of having to choose who needs my money more is

[yet-another-heathen]

Your posts on conditioning in whump are wonderful. May I ask if you have any recommendations for further guides on the topic?

So glad they've been helpful!

I'm racking my brain, but... I can't think of anything other guides in this format that I've seen. At least not on Tumblr.

In general, I'd say that books about reintegration/PTSD in veterans are your best bet. That's a group of people who not only has all the intense, classic PTSD symptoms, but also undergoes a LOT of indoctrination and conditioning via military training and culture. Many of those books have some information on deconditioning as well, since they're meant to be used by veterans to help understand their trauma once they're out, and settle back into civilian life.

That said, you may have to wade through some... iffy patriotic glorification depending on the title. But if you go into it knowing that that's the case, and if you pick up and read more than one, you should be able to find the parts that are consistent across books.

If you have any questions or topics you'd like me to address, I'd be more than happy to answer! Sometimes it helps to have a more experience-based approach, especially when you're writing something as up close and intimate as whump. I've really enjoyed putting together these guides, and would have fun fleshing out the topic even more!

[yet-another-heathen]

Do you have a favorite whump location? (Pirate ship, deserted island, bedroom, dungeon, etc)

Ooh, this is a tough one...

One of my favorite tropes ever is having to share warmth while facing down hypothermia. Being somewhere remote, at night, out in the elements, where any injuries or illness are made that much worse by the cold—that's the good shit.

Places that get really really cold at night all satisfy that itch. Temperatures plummet every night in the desert, regardless of the time of year. Otherwise, forests during the winter are soooo good, especially if the characters can find a little hole in the ground / mini-cave where it's relatively sheltered compared to the snow outside.

I like my settings to be as unusual / underused as possible. Combine these, and you get a lot of good options— Sahara-like deserts, tiaga, places like the Mongolian steppe... I love them all!

[yet-another-heathen]

If I’ve got a whumpee that’s quiet and gets withdrawn when really stressed, how do I condition them without making them dissociate and disengage completely?

Hey! What are you trying to condition them to do?

The answer will depend pretty heavily on what their whumper is aiming to make them into, and how different that "end goal" is from who they already are as a person. Can you tell me more about their story? Feel free to get as detailed as you like, I love infodumping <3

EDIT: Oh, and their pain tolerances + what they're afraid of/vulnerable to will also help!