it's so crazy to me that I explained myself to having no motivation to do art as an artist and not knowing how to navigate that being ADHD and Autistic.
then some people (irl) ask a load of questions implying that I am inherently wrong for not having that, "all artists must have passion or how can they be artists?"
so I clarify passionately about my disabilities because it's my current special interest, then people tell me I am "clearly very angry" about it and should drop the topic if it makes me "that mad".
and then I clarify - oh no I'm just very passionate about being clear and understandable and my disabilities being understood properly- and then they keep insisting I'm clearly upset and frustrated
SO NATURALLY I GET FRUSTRATED AND UPSET BECAUSE YOU ARE SEEMINGLY DELIBERATELY NOT LISTENING TO ME
and then I get "see! I knew you were upset."
my motivation to do art is no driving force, it is an extension of my body, like an additional limb. it comes naturally to me because being human is (mostly) natural to me. it's not a passion, but a fact of life for me. I do not need passion, motivation, or a drive to do my art simply because I will do it regardless, as a human.
I couldn't find the words at the time to understand that. Those were the words I was searching for, and needed time to verbally and mentally process over months.
people often get fed up with me being a very repetitive person (despite this being a literal characteristic of autism) and having to verbally process my situations because, bluntly, it takes a very long time for me to mentally understand what happens in my discussions and actions every single day. This has led me to be labelled an "overthinker" ever since I was little.
In reality, I wanted more than anything to fit in, blend in, and understand what tf is happening. THAT is where my frustration lies. So when I FINALLY understand something and I am able to explain it, and people tell me I probably overthought it, or I am just flat out wrong is (to me) a denial of my reality.
People were right, I didn't need an explanation to be an artist. But what I needed to unlock the words to help me understand my practice as an artist was a gentle, curiosity focused discussion.
I regret attempting to do that with friends and not my parents or a mentor.
