#autphobia

[wormworker]

the autistic urge to be a persona instead of being yourself, because you've been treated in every breath of your entire life that the greatest sin of all is to be you, so you feel conditioned to believe that perhaps if you cut pieces off of yourself and become a disturbingly sanitized stitched-together grotesque shape vaguely resembling a person, as long as people always understand that mangled exquisite corpse and it always gives completely expected responses, the world will finally stop goring you. at least if you dismember yourself, they can't be the ones to do it anymore... right?

[deusluxuria]

(the SDC group is at dinner)

kakyoin: i am so sorry steely dan did all that stuff to you. that's so fucked up.

jotaro: eh, i'm used to it from being hate-crimed at school, and from my dad.

everyone at the table:

[wormworker]

I started going to a neurodivergent support group, & there were a good number of Autistic people there who were in their late 30s & older.

That made me cry with joy because it likely means things are improving with Autistic acceptance.

Our average lifespan is younger than 40 because of high suicide rates, & as an Autistic person it's exhausting to even list all the reasons why. But I will say it has nothing to do with autism itself & everything to do with society's views of us.

[wormworker]

Every time I remember the fact that people automatically hate me & don't want to be around me entirely because I'm Autistic, I just want to scream and break everything I own. It never gets easier actually.

[wormworker]

y'all stare at me in public and get all clumsy around me because i make you uncomfortable, but you'll NEVER beat me on MY level of discomfort around you staring at me and showing your visible discomfort with me when i didn't even do anything to you lmaooooo

[wormworker]

As an Autistic person who grew up feeling as though everyone was abusive towards me, I had to have my siblings tell me that my parents were not good people in order for me to realize that I did not deserve being abused by them.

I also know that many Autistics grow up this way & continue to be treated this way.

I also know that if we don't learn at a young age that we are an oppressed group, we either grow up so miserably confused why we're mistreated, or we believe we deserve it. Very often, to the point of suicide.

In order to know we don't deserve to be abused, we must know it as a fact that Autistics are overwhelmingly disliked compared to our Allistic peers, & that Allistics abuse us & dislike us without knowing we're Autistic.

And that it is not just dislike. It is not just bullying.

It is oppression.

[wormworker]

one of the other residents at my new apartment complex was ACTUALLY NICE TO ME just now and i'm actually crying i'm so grateful. it happened once during the last stretch of living at home and i was bawling my eyes out after because it's so exhausting and suffocating having EVERYONE instantly be so awful to me just because i'm Autistic & dress different & whatever. when someone is nice to me (or just isn't mean) it feels like a dull rusty sword that was always in my back has finally been pulled out