˚⋆˚ᯓᡣ𐭩𐙚𝗙𝗿𝗲𝗲 𝗺𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗜 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝗺𝘆 𝗹𝘂𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝗰𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗮𝗽𝘀𝗲 𝗮𝗴𝗮𝗶𝗻𝘀𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱𝗲𝗿.
𝄞⨾𓍢ִ໋— in which an obnoxiously loud and stubborn girl hid her secret from everyone. Praying for a savior that she relentlessly pushed away till he one day finally found out what she had been hiding.
❄️—CW! and warnings: non-idol!james x fem!reader. strangers to enemies to lovers! ANGST! heavy angst matter of fact. Hurt!comfort! mentions of alcohol abuse and consumption (not by james or reader) domestic violence and in school violence, bullying, neglect, slight mention of nudity but not in the sexual way, reader is lit living like she’s in hell, mentions of sh and ed, specifically mia. Self inserts lowkey for the most part, slight use of Y/N. YEARNING. Mentions of bl00d and injuries all over the fic , overall reader is very insecure and does not view herself well, and evb around her isn’t normal at all. i think thats it tho but feel free to tell me if i missed any!!
❄️— Ppl mentioned : All of the cortis members , newjeans!hanni and haerin, H2H! stella, ADP!youngseo and bailey, Meovv!ella and narin, pretty sure that’s it
WARNING! ANY ACTIONS DEPICTED BY AN IDOL IS NOT THEIR TRUE SELF, THIS IS JUST A WORK OF FICTION! JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING HERE DOESN’T MEAN THEY DID IT IRL, JUST READ IT AND DONT ACTUALLY ASSOCIATE THE IDOLS W THE EVENTS IN HERE!!!
⩇⩇:⩇⩇ —A/N: Bro i js figured out that if ppl have dark mode they can see that my borders are white 💔💔 kms 💔 anyway im not gonna tag this story as mature any more but i think yall can tell from all the tags that if you are mentally okay you shouldn’t be reading this. Uh btw i have a song recco its called “If i Cleaned everything would you come back” by Rickeatacid and it’s get similar to “Metamorphosis” by YAAMC and “Embers” by dead butterflies.. i like it but you might not if you don’t like genres similar to soft screamo!! Uhhh also guys u might think like “oh this shi only happens im kdramas” but trust me it happens to the best of us hope yall never go through what my boy y/n is going through and i hope i never do again but trauma dump idc idc opps not on here anyway.. idk how long i should make this im really conflicted abt the plot changes and stuff but give me feedback in the comments yall !!
wc! 4.8k
pt1. pt2. pt3
The lesson went by alright—if “alright” sounded like mapping out all of the ways to leave the building without dealing with Ella and her friends, or with fighting the urge to go throw up in the bathroom, then yes, class went by just alright.
You finally found a way, but you had to be careful to leave last, since Hanni and Haerin usually frequented by there, you didn’t want them asking about the band-aid because you were sure they knew you don’t even eat lunch, at least from the suspicious amount of times they’ve asked if you were hungry during lunch, they already knew you wouldn’t eat.
Stella came by your desk as you were packing up, bidding you goodbye and patting you on the hair, messing it up a little as you playfully hit her shoulder.
“Bye stella” you giggled, unaware of some brown eyes making their way to your now barely open arm.
Barely, just barely as you let your guard down. A small sliver of red showed through.
You noticed quickly enough, holding onto the edge of your sleeve without raising suspicion as stella made her way out of the classroom.
You finished packing up, making your way out of the school through the exit you figured on.
The boy’s eyes still followed you.
You didn’t even think he saw, it was the last thing on your mind.
.
You (thankfully) left without drawing any attention from either groups of people, your limbs and lips swollen and aching.
You had gotten a job a few days ago, at a cafe that had just opened up. It wasn’t known, nor was it near the school, so you didn’t have to see anyone you knew.
Your first day was today, so you had quickly went to the train station and fixed yourself up on the train, snagging a seat before it got crowded.
luckily that worked out, they gave you your work uniform and you got dressed, making sure your full sleeve was snug tight so there was no chance of a slip.
The girl training you was a slightly older girl, she looked to be in college, maybe last year? But she was sweet nonetheless. She taught you how to make the drinks, and you got the hang of it pretty quickly, then she showed you how to use the register and you already knew how to count money, so it wasn’t that bad of a thing, it was actually kind of fun.
You were used to being out late pretty often, doing anything in your will to not be at home got pretty exhausting, so you figured you’d just pick up a job so you couldn’t be home even more often, there was a chinese restaurant that would be open till midnight, so you figured you’d just grab a meal there—although you were pretty certain you’d throw it up afterwards.
You were much more chill about this than you expected you’d be.
And that scared you.
You knew this wasnt normal, that no highschooler ever thought of life like that, just living out in the streets most of the time till you got home after 2 in the morning so you could sleep and grab a shower as quick as you could at home.
You used the wind to dry your hair on the walk to school, used the benches outside to study for tests, and only had a few changes of clothes that you’d wash every so often since you only wore your uniform.
The first time you ever bought something for yourself was when you bought perfume. You stole some of the child support your dad would send your mom, seeming as she had wasted it on alcohol or cheap motels.
It was a bottle of some peach perfume, it smelled cheap, since it was, but it was the only thing that was yours. Fully yours. You kept it in your backpack, and you applied it wherever you wanted comfort, the bottle was running out though, so you did want to buy some when you got your first paycheck.
Work went fine, you talked to the customers just fine, you got along with your co-workers just fine, and most importantly, nobody from your school could come visit it since it was so far away.
It was 11pm.
You stopped by the chinese takeout place nearby, all you wanted was some orange chicken and maybe some rice. You had taken some child support money from your mom again, enough to pay for the meal but not enough to leave a dent in your mother’s—the monster’s wallet.
The bell made a ding sound as you walked in, the smell of spices and freshly cooked rice flooded your nostrils, and there was conversation coming from the kitchen. The place wasn’t empty, there were only about two people there , though. An old couple engaged in some conversation sat beside the window, but that was it.
You went upfront to order, going on your phone for a bit till the cashier came to the front.
“Hi!” a seemingly middle aged lady said, her eyes glimmering in the light of the night, contrasting your empty ones.
“Hi” you smiled, more like tried, beneath the ache in your ribs and the swell of your lips.
“What can I get you, sweetheart ?” she asked.
“Could I just have some orange chicken and a little rice?” you asked “I don’t want too much though” you muttered, you already knew the rules. You’re throwing it up whether you wanted to or not, so you decided not to stuff yourself, although you were extremely hungry.
“Sure” she said “That’ll be 12,000 won”
You gave her 20,000, telling her to keep the extra 8,000 won as a tip, it wasn’t much, but it was all you had.
“Yufan!” she yelled “Orange chicken and some rice in a small portion!”
She thanked you and you sat down near another window, far away from the old couple.
They looked sweet, conversely to when your parents were together.
All you’d hear was fighting. Every single day and night. She cheated, he did too.
They would break bottles and vases and glasses and throw them at each other, you’d lock yourself up in the closet with your hands so tight against your ears that your knuckles turned white.
You cried a lot at first. After a while it didn’t matter, you just wanted it to be over, for them to finally just go to sleep while you stayed in the closet all night long.
You looked out the window, the moon illuminated the street, it was dark, and you knew it wouldn’t be safe to go, but you really couldn’t care, since your mother’s location showed she was at a pretty far away bar from where you were. You had installed an app where you could see her location and hid it, she wasn’t all that good with technology, so she never found out, and you hid your location on that app.
When she was at a bar it was a 99% chance that she’d be at a motel with someone right after.
You zoned out, looking at the street as the rain picked up, you knew you were getting home wet. You strangely didn’t care anymore. It was a you problem, you didn’t bring an umbrella, which was stupid, so you have to go through the consequences, it wasn’t anyone’s problem to deal with but yours.
Same with your mom. Obviously it wasn’t your fault that she was the way she was, but it wasn’t anyone else’s problem, and you’d never ask for help, even if you were on the brink of death, that’s what you promised yourself.
The train would stop running at 1am. You had some time to walk to the station before it stopped.
Your fingers clutched at the edge of your sleeve, holding it down as tightly as possible while thinking.
You had finished your homework the night before while you were out, and the teachers didn’t assign anything new today, so you hadn’t anything to do.
You heard packing up, people getting ready to leave, and when your eyes glanced around it was that same old couple.
“Thank you for the food!” they smiled and left, the doorbell ringing again.
You sighed, trying not to make it noticeable, as if every breath you took had to be left behind, maybe even that didn’t belong to you, nothing felt like it did at this point. Not even your breath belongs to you.
A few minutes of thinking passed by again, you thought of what would become of you after graduation, how you would save up to move out, how you would live if you didn’t have enough money to move out. you thought of what it would look like if you got caught. What if someone saw. What if someone cared—not that it would happen, although you craved for it to happen, wanted it carved into the depths of your bones, you were starved of it.
What if you stayed alive.
What if you didn’t die after a while.
What would it feel like to live without scars? Without stinging every time the insides of your thighs brushed together. How would it feel to wear all the things the other girls got to?
How would it feel to fall in love?
That was too far fetched of a thought.
No.
You’d never do it. You’d never fall in love.
Sickening ugly disgusting love.
That thought alone made you want to throw up again.
“It’s ready ma!” you heard a voice from the kitchen.
“Okay, yufan get ready to close!” she said, putting your stuff in a bag and tying it up, you had already got up to the front desk and grabbed your food, the box looked too big already.
“I’m sorry if I've held you back” you muttered “Have a good night”
It was still raining—the rain crashing into the floor as if it were bullets. Hard rain, that’s what it was, so hard it could cut through you, but it didn’t, and you didn’t care.
You left the store, the last ding noise ringing in your ear, with your phone, earbuds, and backpack on you, full of most of your belongings, not that you even had much, and your uniform covered you up enough.
The rain crashed into you, immediately wetting your hair, you shakily sighed before walking away.
You walked, not ran, it didn’t matter anymore—not whether you came back home dead or alive, not whether you caught a cold, not whether if your mom had decided to come back home, not that the wind was biting you so harshly and hardly that it felt like you were gonna get frozen, and not that you felt so nauseous that you might’ve just thrown up on the street, your torso hurting with every step you took, every breath taking the effort of a hundred.
You heard running behind you, maybe it was people hurrying to get home, maybe you were gonna die that minute—maybe, just maybe, you didn’t fucking care.
“Excuse me miss” you heard.
A man’s voice, his breath catching in his throat.
You turned around, eyes boring into his—it was the guy who sat in front of you.
Fuck.
He had two umbrellas in his hand.
Why? you didn’t know, nor could you give a shit.
“Here” he said, handing an umbrella out.
“Get home safe” you muttered.
“I—you too,” he said. “you too.”
“Thanks” you stared, gulping a sigh back, eyes wide open as if you were trying your hardest not to faint right there right then. lifting up the umbrella “for this”
“You’re welcome.” he said, and before he got to finish, you turned back around.
He looked like he was forced by his mom to do this, you decided to give it back the next day, since you had work anyway.
You held the umbrella over your head, the bite of the cold fall air still hitting you hard. Your heart beating out of your chest and flying into the moon. Reminding you that there is nowhere you’re able to go. Nowhere for you.
.
You got on the train, it was eerily empty—maybe to your demise, but you had nothing to lose so it was okay.
It was okay.
You got home safe, unharmed even.
Understatement about the day.
You weren’t unharmed today. That was a lie.
You got home and took a quick shower.
The house was empty.
Thank god it was empty.
You put the takeout on the table, having a bite.
the box was bigger than you thought, and you’d finish it—that was for sure.
It tasted good. Delicious even.
But you knew you wouldn’t last till second period without throwing it up.
It wouldn’t be your first time throwing up at school. It never was.
That bite turned into two.
Which turned into the food finishing at your fingertips.
You harshly wiped your mouth, any remains of sauce hidden under your fingers as you went to wash your hands,
You quickly went to sleep, hoping she wasn’t there in the morning, hoping she never came back.
.
You woke up—the nausea already settling deep in your stomach, reminding you that it would hit at any random time in the day.
That terrifying, awful feeling.
She wasn’t home.
But she will be.
In an hour—maybe two.
So you got up as quick as you could, rushing everything from your shower to brushing your hair, leaving a few cuts on your ribs to start the day before spraying that same peach perfume and running out the house.
It felt like someone punched a hole in your sternum—the world looking as if it were rushing in.
You walked to school again—taking every hidden shortcut that your mom didn’t know about before you saw a scarily familiar figure.
In a dress that reached upper-thigh, messy makeup, and a man around her waist, all at 7 in the morning, was your mother.
Shit.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
You hid, anywhere, behind a building would do for now, you didn’t know what she’d do if she saw you, and she probably had no problem dragging that dude along into this.
Your breath hitched, you bit your nails, you were probably having every symptom of PTSD right now but you didn’t care, you just didn’t want to be seen.
You wanted to crack a hole in the earth and make it swallow you.
Fuck, that’s not it.
“Just die” you muttered to yourself “Please just die and get out of this hole” your breath went shaky, hands clammy and your vision in streaks.
You heard the obscenely loud laughing hollow out, meaning she could’ve been far now, but you stayed in your same spot.
You hugged yourself on the ground as tight as you could. The same way you always did when she hit you, the bruises hurting even more under the glow of the sunlight that seemed to never reach you no matter how hard you wanted it to.
You were seriously not in a good mood now.
You waited for a minute or two until your legs felt steady enough to walk on.
You let out a shaky breath and acted like that didn’t happen—like she didn’t exist. Like she wasn’t the monster torturing your dreams every night.
You got to school pretty fast after that, considering you didn’t have much time till you’d be late, you were just on time.
You sat in stella’s desk, now yours, the boy who sat in front of you had arrived to school before you. His shoulders riding up when he felt your presence, you made no effort to say hi, neither did he.
You put your stuff down and said hi to stella when she made her way into the classroom, smiling lightly.
“Hiii Y/N!” she exclaimed, her face lighting up with joy.
You laughed a little, the most real sounding one you could try and let out.
You had work today, you took all the shifts you could so that you didn’t have to stay at home.
You brought the umbrella with you—hiding it deep in your locker, you planned to bring it with you before work and give it back.
.
The lesson was fine—now it was time for you to hide somewhere else since they found out you went to the rooftop.
Except Hanni and Haerin barged into the room, while you were still telling stella you’d see her later.
“Ha!” Hanni exclaimed, her eyes lighting up at your figure. “Finally found you!” she laughed.
Haerin giggled, walking with her while Hanni skipped to your desk.
You love hanni so much—and she did lift up your spirits, but all you wanted to do today was be left alone.
You didn’t mind any way.
Well—you forced yourself not to mind.
You smiled, trying to make your heavy eyes look less full of burden.
“Hi to you too hann” you smiled “And hi haer” you smiled.
“Hi cutie,” haerin smiled. “We missed you”
“Yeah! where have you been” hanni chimed in, giving you a light hug, squeezing you.
Oh that hurt.
“Just—here and there” you quietly said, “I’ve been around” You laughed.
“Come sit with us at lunch—you too, James” Hanni said “Martin keeps complaining that he’s too cool for us, we’ll show him how cool Y/N really is so he can shut up”
“Wow, thought I was gonna be ignored forever” he said “Come on, let’s go”
They all talked, and you stood behind them for a moment—the ache in your belly never stopping for a minute.
You looked forward, trying—really trying not to clutch your stomach. A finger rested there, yours, just steadying yourself before you got to the lunch room.
They didn’t notice that you were behind them, making it a bit easier to be in your own world. james, you presumed that was his name, didn’t bring up anything about last night, maybe he was half asleep and didn’t care—neither could you. All you could try to think about was a way to get to school the next day without a broken rib or displaced collarbone.
A way to never meet the monster again, you really would rather be homeless than live with her.
You got to the lunchroom, Hanni and Haerin guiding you to where they sat while they went and got lunch—you told them you were a bit nauseous, so you wouldn’t get any.
“A bit” was really an understatement.
You did feel like every glance at them made you want to run towards the bathroom and hurl against the toilet.
This time without two fingers down your throat.
But you already had a bad feeling—something bad would happen today and you could tell by the way Ella was menacingly staring at you across the lunch room.
She had something planned—you just didn’t know what it was. She always had something planned.
.
You sat at that lunch table, listening to Hanni’s ramblings and laughing when the time felt right—you weren’t bored—that wasn’t the word.
You were just.. careful? Cautious maybe?
You wanted to laugh freely, you really did but even a half smile might’ve been shut down.
You were nauseous as hell, and there wasn’t any denying it any more, you felt sick to your stomach.
It went quiet for a second, and so you took your chance.
“Hey guys I think I'm gonna go to the classroom really quickly. I forgot something in there” You said, flashing them your most practiced yet biggest smile you could give.
“Yeah sure, want me and hanni to tag along?” Haerin asked, looking hopeful.
“Maybe next time, i’ll be right back okay, i’ll keep my stuff here in case.” you said, patting both their heads goodbye.
“Well see you later k!”
“K!”
And you just slipped away.
Into the bathroom and you made sure—you really made sure to lock the stall.
And you dropped on your knees, the cold surface seeping through your sweatpants and into your bones—you really didn’t want to do this.
The heavy feeling of the food running up your throat got you in a trance, leveled you with yourself, and you might’ve just thought.
Might’ve just thought that there was no getting better. There was no way out of this.
A hurl straight to your throat from your gut, and that was all it took for the liquid to come out.
It was disgusting. Absolutely disgusting, and you heard footsteps coming into the bathroom and somebody plugging in something near your stall.
One hand clutched your stomach and the other was steadying yourself on the toilet seat—trying your best not to faint.
Your eyes turned red and teary.
And that’s when the stall was kicked open.
Oh.
Shit.
The bathroom smelled of burning—but there was no fire—or even anything burning.
Until you heard very familiar laughter.
“Bitch where were you yesterday afternoon?” Narin laughed, holding up your face, grabbing a tissue from beside you and wiping your lips with it.
You were already crying.
There was no getting better and it wouldn’t be surprising if you genuinely died tomorrow.
“We just wanted to have fun” she started, her eyes going wide while she was laughing “But now, we have to do it the hard way since you didn’t show up!”
She slapped you across the face and threw your head away from her as if you had sent a jolt of electricity through her—as if you were a bacterium she didn’t want to touch.
Ella came in, pulling your shirt up, while Bailey pushed your head toward the toilet, the aroma of throw-up made you want to throw up once more.
And from the looks of it, Youngseo was recording this time.
Something extremely hot grazed your stomach.
Just a sliver.
It hurt—over your bruise at that.
They waited.
Until you threw up again.
The heat didn’t graze this time.
It froze in place—burning you for seconds at a time.
“You thought you could have fun with your little friends huh?” Bailey started “Remember your place, bitch.”
“Look at this girl” Youngseo started “She looks so pathetic I might feel bad”
“Bitch” Narin laughed “You know you don’t”
A nightmare—that’s what you were living.
And after about ten minutes it was over—they didn’t stop till blood had come out your mouth
“You don’t have to show up today” Ella laughed “We already got our fun”
And how you cleaned up and went back to lunch was a blur.
Like nothing happened—like your insides weren’t split open.
.
On the other side of the school—back in the lunch room, Hanni, Haerin, and the boys were talking.
“She’s pretty cool” Martin accepted in defeat “But she doesn't talk much, does she not like us?”
“Huh? No, that's not the case!” Hanni stepped in “She just likes staying silent sometimes, she’ll come around, she’s been off for the past couple of months but she says she’s okay, so we just let her be.”
“Clearly she’s not fuckin okay” james muttered under his breath.
Juhoon heard it—nobody else did.
He shot him a glance, one of maybe confusion or even curiosity. But he kept his mouth shut.
And everyone left the conversation at that till you came back.
.
You sat down next to Hanni and Haerin, zoned out, not even making an effort to speak. They just let it be, maybe you’d seen something that you didn’t like. Maybe your social battery ran out.
Maybe you didn’t feel like speaking anymore—maybe that’s all it was to them.
But to you, it was like you had gotten ripped into two parts and you couldn’t even tell anyone about it. Like you were absolutely rigid at the sides—like you’d break with a touch.
Like the already high tower you had built around yourself just got even worse, even higher and there was no telling if you’d make it to the next year.
.
The rest of the day was a blur—maybe except the part when stella gave you a hug goodbye and you leaned in a second too long into her embrace, maybe then you might’ve felt like crawling back into your hole.
You felt exposed in front of stella—and especially exposed in front of james, or maybe yufan, as the teacher called him.
As the lady in the restaurant called him.
You didn’t know what to do with the fact that he saw you like that, he didn’t even see much, just a sliver of tired eyes that anyone could mistake for the exhaustion of a long day.
But to you, it wasn’t one long day.
It wasn’t one bruise after accidentally hitting your leg against something.
It wasn’t one accidental cut while you were chopping vegetables.
It wasn’t one accidental bump in the hallway.
It wasn’t anything that was accidental.
Everyone meant it—atleast everyone that did something to you. They wanted to see you suffer, or maybe they just wanted to take out their hatred, the unjustifiable anger they held against their chest so tightly, and you had to be the victim. But at the end of the day, the burns and cuts and bruises on your body did nothing but provoke the fact that there was no out of this. There was no getting better, ‘least not in your book. Not in this lifetime. Not as you.
The whole day was a blur.
You almost forgot to give the umbrella back—so you visited the chinese restaurant after work.
You didn’t want to eat.
You couldn’t, not after what happened today.
You just walked in and saw the lady on the register, her warm smile cutting into you like the gentle rays of the moon—too kind.
Too homely. Too motherly. Too sweet, entirely too sweet for you.
She reminded you of a mother. A real one. One who looks after her kids when they get sick, one who cooks meals with love, one who packs lunches, one who uses a gentle voice, one who doesn’t hit, doesn’t smack, one who’s touch doesn’t bruise or burn, one who picks their kids up from school , one who helped when schoolwork got too hard, one who tells their kids that they love them.
You sent her a half smile—it was physically difficult for you to do so, and she could tell. Of course she could.
“Hi, ma'am “ you started, voice careful incase it broke “I brought your umbrella back, i’ll be on my way”
She just smiled, warm and sweet and full of everything you didn’t get to have.
You were envious.
You didn’t even know if she was his mom, by the looks of it , she was. He had a little bit of her features, just a little bit more masculine, more boyish.
But you could tell that this kid grew up receiving love. Just by what the mother looked like.
You were jealous—fuming maybe.
Compared to you, who was hiding from her mother in fear just earlier that day, he had lived in heaven.
Utter, complete heaven.
She caught you out of your trance.
“You wanna eat?” She asked, her voice still, soft. “ Gosh, You must be starving”
“I—no it’s okay” you smiled “I already ate plenty today” you lied.
“But..” you sighed “Can I just stay here—maybe till you close, I just.. I wanna finish my homework” you muttered, looking to the side, not daring to look at her eyes. You knew your tired eyes would dim out the light in hers, so you dared not clash them.
And she let you.
And you finished your homework on the table.
You didn’t know when your eyes got heavy, but apparently they did.
You were asleep, the first sleep of rest you had gotten in the past couple of months. Unaware, sleeping tightly under your books.
You were completely unaware.
So unaware of the fact that your arm was out—a sliver. Just a sliver but that was enough to see damage.
“Yufan” His mother started “Bring her a blanket, she must be exhausted, poor girl” she cooed.
“Ma” Yufan muttered “Why do you like her so much, you barely know her” he smiled tiredly at his mom.
“She just—I don’t know what it is, Yufan,” his mother sighed. “She looks like she doesn’t have much left for her. If that’s even how I can word it. She just looks so.. defeated, not dead yet, but on the way to being, and I think she can blossom into an even more beautiful flower, trust me Yufan i’ll get her out of whatever she’s in “
He stayed silent.
He could tell—it wasn’t hard to tell, unless everyone was stupid and him and his mom were the only ones with a brain, it really wasn’t hard to tell.
You were ill, mentally exhausted and sick. It was like a cloud hovering over you.
The way you looked into each of their eyes was a cry for help—a beg.
He just grabbed the blanket and covered you, noticing the sliver.
He saw your sleeve.
He knew about it—ever since the day he saw you with stella he noticed.
And he was determined that he’d find out the truth one day, and that one day you’ll never have to do that again.
