the first few months after suguru left were so surreal.
everyone kept asking you: “what even happened?”, “did he ever talk to you about leaving?”, “why didn't you try to change his mind?”, “did he even properly break up with you first?”, ect.
you were so overwhelmed and afraid and hurt that you couldn't give them a straight answer.
“i don't know.” you'd often reply, tugging at your clothes, feeling like they'd suddenly shrunk three sizes as everyone stared at you with anger.
they always took it as you being secretive, and they hated you for it, but what they didn't know was that you weren't hiding anything, you were just as lost as them. you felt scared, confused, and utterly alone.
you still don't even remember the build up to him leaving, it's all so foggy now.
you knew he was acting weird. he didn't want to hang out as much, suddenly your touch was always just a little too much, nonstop: “don't worry about it”'s and “it's just the summer heat, that's all”'s. he was talking less, lost a lot of weight and overall always seemed kinda off.
you'd never seen him in such a state before. you knew that the mission with riko that him and satoru had been on affected them both pretty badly, along with haibara's death. you wanted to reach out, you did, but as you laid on his chest in his now dirty room despite him always being the most organized person you knew, you figured that if he didn't want to talk about everything that had happened, that there was no point in forcing him. you let him have his space and assumed he'd come to you when he was ready.
god, were you wrong.
you still remember the day yaga broke the news to you, as blurry as it is now. you recall not believing it at first, thinking that surely this had to all be some elaborate prank that satoru set up, but when you saw the look on his face, you knew this was real.
you often found yourself in his empty room after he left. he had left behind a few old hoodies and his pillows still smelled like his shampoo.
his room was still as messy as he left it, but you couldn't bring yourself to tidy it up. something in your heart prayed that if you let it rot like this for long enough, that he'd come back and clean it himself.
you frequently spent the night in his bed, but never actually did any sleeping.
you found yourself staring at the empty space beside you, wondering if there was anything you could've done to stop him. you really couldn't imagine the suguru you fell in love with murdering thousands of innocent people, yet here you were, curled up in his bed, wishing he was here to mend the ache in your soul.
for the first month, you considered following him. maybe he was right. maybe the jujutsu world had gone to shit and he was just taking the necessary precautions to fix it, but deep down, you knew that wasn't true and you didn't actually think that. it was just your grieving mind playing cruel tricks on you.
the second month was filled with regret. looking back at old pictures, thinking of your first dates and just shattering like delicate glass against rough pavement.
you missed holding his hand and laying on his chest while listening to his heartbeat. you wanted back the times where you'd sit on the couch while he read aloud to you. all you needed right now was for him to dry your tears like he'd done a hundred times before and tell you it'd be okay.
you felt pathetic, really, but you couldn't help it as tears ran down your cheeks and you felt time freeze up, leaving you to sit in the silence all by yourself.
the only reason you ever got through it was thanks to satoru. you knew suguru leaving tore him apart just as harsh and messily as it slaughtered you, and for once, you felt understood.
satoru never let you feel as if it was your fault like the others did. he never asked you questions about what happened before suguru left or if you tried to stop him because satoru knew that there was no way anyone, especially you, could've seen this coming.
“i can't make the pain of him abandoning both you and me go away, but i can sit with you in it.”
and that was all you needed to hear to know that it would be okay.
also tho if 911 knows what’s good for it they canNOT end 9x16 on a buddie cliffhanger going into a 4-week hiatus which also happens to have a full-cast con in the middle of it
