Fic: Without Me
If you are offended by Emily, Aubrey, Chloe or Beca being together in various pairings, don’t read this.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/16692565/chapters/39148210
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Emily looked at the marquee as it scrolled slowly. There was slight disbelief in her mind as she read “Beca Mitchell June 3rd with Special Guest Young Sparrow with DJ Dragon Nuts and Cyn’d Rose.” She sent a sad look in Chloe’s direction and received the same in return. The brunette threaded her fingers with Chloe’s to hold her hand and provided a gentle squeeze. “I’m proud of Beca… And Cynthia Rose.” Emily finally broke the silence. Chloe nodded and pulled Emily close giving her a soft kiss on the lips.
The silence settled between them again. They had their roles helping Beca build a career. Emily had written all her songs and Chloe had been Beca’s manager while Beca was starting out. The three of them traveled together, visiting the Bella’s across the country. Couch surfing to avoid hotels, going to gigs at every state fair, bigger festivals, raves and even put up a tent at Burning Man. The three of them moved to LA at Beca request. Emily was fine with it, she could write songs anywhere. Chloe was ok with it but hesitant not wanting Beca to get caught up in Hollywood glamour once she mad it big. Fortunately, Beca finally caught a big break. Unfortunately, she hit the door running. Any venue, collab, EP offers, anything and everything she took it on. Slowly, she stopped coming home. That was almost four years ago. Now, her third tour was ending in LA for her third CD launch.
They made it home with In-n-Out and some new clothes from the mall. A beat had been playing in Chloe’s head for hours. A series of sounds in the mall caught her attention. To get it out of her head she played it on the piano. She popped a fry into her mouth with a smile before she sipped her drink. Looking at Emily, seeing how her lover hunched over a pad of paper with a pen in her hand scribbling lyrics out like it was as easy as breathing, was Chloe’s favorite thing to watch.
Emily had heard Chloe’s little melody on the piano and now it was on repeat in her head. All the time spent with Beca, playing with soundboards and mixing various songs, she could layer tracks in her head without ever touching an instrument. She envied Chloe and Aubrey's abilities with instruments. Em bobbed her head a bit, thought a moment and scribbled words down. Tell me how’s it feel sittin’ up there, Feelin so high but too far away to hold me.
Chloe had her hand in more than enough of Beca’s music after that fateful day when Beca proclaimed she was into ‘this stuff’. Seeing how remixes fell into place after the night in the pool the girls finally came together. She teased the piano keys. She sat in one of the two seats in front of the instrument. It made her almost uncomfortable without Beca beside her. Another french fry remedied that for now. She flicked the piano setting to be drums and played a little with a beat.
Emily furrowed her brows and scratched out a line she wrote after the first, You don’t have to say just what you did, I already know. She was nodding and tapping her foot to Chloe’s beat. She looked at the redhead fondly. This was how it worked, the missing element was Beca. Beca was the one who rearranged lyrics, layered the tracks, put it all together and played *their* music at the festivals. She thought back to when it was just the three of them on the open road between gigs. Beca’s face buried in the laptop while Emily wrote lyrics and Chloe drove tapping out some new little beat in her head. When Beca’s depression got too much they’d find a hotel and remind her just how much she was loved. Found you when your heart was broke. She scribbled in a new part of the page, I said I’d catch you if you fall. And if they laugh, then fuck’m all! She smiled sadly at the memory of the USO riff off and how she had to cheer Aubrey, Chloe and Beca all up.
In fact… Chloe looked like she could use some cheering up. Emily took Chloe’s hand and pulled her close threading her hand into those luscious red locks. Chloe bit her lip looking up into Emily’s eyes as she rocked up to kiss her. Emily picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. It earned her a genuine giggle from the core of Chloe's body.
Soon Chloe was naked under the exotic beauty who was kissing down her body reminding her just how much she loved Emily's attention. She was gasping and shivering under Emily’s long fingers and expert tongue. Pulling Emily up with a lengthy passionate kiss to roll them over and eagerly return the favor.
As they lay curled up together they didn’t mention the missing person in their relationship but the lyrics still bouncing around her head Emily whispered, “If I write a song… will you duet with me?” Chloe didn’t look up just continued to trace Emily’s collarbone gently, “Of course I would.” Truth be told they hadn’t sung since Beca left, they both missed it. “That is a really good idea sweetie.” Chloe grinned up at Emily’s megawatt smile and they rolled right back into making love to one another.
Emily smiled down at Chloe, running her fingers through her hair slowly. She watched the redhead nuzzle into her hip and hug her thigh tighter. She thought back on all the times Chloe had been by Beca’s side, through depression, issues with Beca’s father, the unknowns of Beca’s mother. Just running from the demons in your mind, Then I took yours and made ‘em mine, I didn’t notice 'cause my love was blind. She scribbled on her notepad. She quietly worried if this was all taking a much harder toll on the angel laying against her. Knowing full well Beca was Chloe’s soul mate, she wondered if she was enough to fill the void. I got you off your knees, Put you right back on your feet, Just so you can take advantage of me. She sighed and cuddled Chloe wondering why these feelings were resurfacing after this long.
By morning Chloe woke up to Emily hugging her so securely she could barely breathe, but she loved every second of it. There was security in being held this tight, being loved so much that a sleeping body knows to latch on. She looked over the features on Emily’s face and smiled to herself. She worried that this beautiful woman’s idol, her hero just abandon them for a career in music, but she expected this day to come. Chloe felt so much love for Emily, they really didn’t need Beca. That the longer Beca was gone, the less it all hurt and the more she was able to give the young lover.
Her phone chimed quietly and without a thought, she picked it up to put it on silent. She caught Aubrey’s name and “I’m at your-” under it. Flicking open the message, a smile slowly appeared across her face.
“Babygirl…” Chloe gently nuzzled Emily, kissing her awake enough for Emily to pull her on top and moan. With a giggle, the redhead nuzzled her young love and smiled brightly, “Guess who is here…”
Emily knew better than to say Beca, “Umm… Santa?”
Chloe whispered in her ear, “Aubrey” and Emily body vibrated under her with a deep moan. Chloe looked down at the browned eyed beauty curiously, “Oh really?”
Chuckling the brunette shrugged, “I just had a really good dream about her…” She bit her lip peeking at Chloe, “I’ve had a crush on her since we met. You all had my attention.”
“Wow, I don’t know what to say…” Chloe smiled fondly, “She and I were a thing before…” feeling Emily’s lips on hers stopped whatever sadness may have started.
Emily murmured, “We haven’t seen Aubrey in ages. When she left to be a doula I really didn’t expect her to go to a different country.”
There was a quiet knock on the door when Emily opened it. Aubrey’s eyes took in the younger woman and simply dropped her bag to wrap her in a hug. She knew, they all knew, how Beca abandon everyone. Cynthia Rose didn’t abandon them or Denise the way Beca did. CR made sure Denise was included in everything, even written into every contract. Aubrey closed her eyes when she felt Emily tear up, “Shhhh Babygirl, I’m here.”
Emily hugged on tighter, “I've missed you so much.” Her voice was laced with so many memories, good and sad. The moments they shared during the USO tour, Aubrey's encouragement to keep writing, the night they spent together just after the tour, before she ran away to be a doula and before Beca and Chloe asked her to be with them. They all had a history together in one way or another. A very finely woven web of love, affection, and abandonment. Emily and Chloe were the only two who stuck together through everything, refusing to abandon the other. She squeezed Aubrey and whispered, “Please don’t leave again…”
Chloe leaned against the doorway smiling fondly. Aubrey, ever the sweetest woman on earth the moment someone fell apart in her arms. Walking up she leaned up kissing Aubrey on the lips and hugged Emily from behind while running her fingers over Aubrey’s forearms. “It's really good to see you Bree." When she felt Emily relax fully they broke apart. "C’mon ladies, let’s go inside.”
Emily grabbed Aubrey’s big bag, Chloe her smaller one, leaving Aubrey to close the door. The girls seemed to just blindly walk by Beca’s in-house studio. Aubrey saw the layers of dust on everything and watched the two women set her things in the hall.
She had seen the house enough through facetime to know where most of their things were. Heading to the kitchen she poured them each a glass of water and chuckled when Emily nuzzled up to her on one side, Chloe to the other. She kissed both women affectionately and moved them to sit down at the dining table.
To say the situation was complicated was untrue. Aubrey wanted to come back to the States, and they offered to house her. None of them expected the greeting to be like this but it was welcomed. Aubrey was hesitant when she saw Emily’s lyric pad in the middle of the table. She slid it closer, “I’m glad you started songwriting again… you are so amazing at it, Emily.” The younger woman blushed. It caused Aubrey to smile softly. Her eyes shifted to Chloe, “How are things going?”
Chloe gulped and twitched her nose slightly, “It’s been a long time. I think things still… sting for us in rare moments.” Emily gave a confirming nod. “But… 3 years is a long time. We’ve kinda taken the hint.” Tahitian blue eyes looked up from her glass to watch the blonde, “Emily and I love each other unconditionally. Maybe a moment or two... feel… incomplete but we are happy with or without her.”
Aubrey nodded, “Good. You two are gorgeous together. I’m actually jealous of both of you. I’ll be honest, I was always jealous of her. Probably why I was always so hard on her.” She blushed a little and hid behind her glass. That got Chloe to smile reminiscing about Beca’s first year in the Bella’s.
Aubrey gulped though, she was unsettled, she hummed to herself a moment before offering, “I feel I'm the reason she’s not here anymore…” That caught both Emily and Chloe’s attention. Shit. “Let me rephrase that… what I mean to say, you three were a deadly combination. I knew a music exec, sent him to see her last show, told him you were a package deal… I guess he didn’t see it that way. For that, I’m so sorry. Not that it’s any consolation… she shut me out as well.”
The brunette eased the lyric pad over to herself while listening to Aubrey and Chloe chit chat a little. Her mind was too full to really let any of their words sink in. With Aubrey’s admission, more lyrics flowed through her. You know I’m the one who put you up there, name in the sky. Does it ever get lonely? She looked outside, zoning out a little. Thinking you could live without me. She looked back at the pad. It wasn’t much, more heavy-handed scratch marks in word form than flowing lyrics. She sighed and shoved the pad away zoning back into their conversation.
The blonde looked between the two lovers and finally requested, “Let’s go somewhere.” She knew full well they needed to get out of that house, away from the ghost of Beca. Emily looked at Chloe as if for permission, to which Chloe nodded, “Of course. How could I deny either of you.” They all smiled and headed out the door.
Emily climbed in the back of the car, “Are we still going over to Jessley’s tonight?”
Aubrey laughed, “They are close by too?”
Chloe smiled at the blonde, "Yeah, it's really nice having them close." She turned to Emily, “Of course we are. We can take turns sitting out a hand so Aubrey can play too.” Reaching back to rub Emily’s thigh, making the younger woman smile fondly and kiss her cheek.
Aubrey chuckled, “What do you guys play?”
Emily shrugged, “Trump sometimes Gin. I always play with Ashley and we always win too.” There was a pause, “And we play Mario Kart…”
Smirking Aubrey glanced at Chloe, who nodded, “It’s true… I think Jessica and I get too heart eyed watching them get so excited to pay any attention, by that time math is out the window.”
Chloe felt like she could finally take a deep breath. She didn’t even realize how freeing it felt to have Aubrey around.
Aubrey didn’t have a destination in mind, she made sure she had Emily’s notepad and snacks for all of them. Eventually, she drove them to a strip of the beach that rarely had visitors. It was too rocky to get to the sand with any sort of chair or surfboard under their arm. For them, the spot would be perfect. Helping each other felt a little like the team building exercise making all three of them laugh and giggle through it. Aubrey pulled them both in for a tender kiss. The kiss made both women smile a little brighter. This is how it’s supposed to be.
They lounged a bit. Emily got antsy though and took off her shoes to go run around the shallow surf.
Aubrey looked at Chloe, “Are you two really ok?”
Chloe squinted a little looking up at the sun then down at Emily with a small smile, “We make it. Like I said before, we love each other more than anyone could ever love another. I just have a sinking feeling we both hope the other is good enough? If that makes sense. Like I’m sure she wonders if she is good enough to fill her place and Beca’s… and I feel the same for her.”
Humming in understand Aubrey nodded, “I can understand that. Have you tried to contact her?”
“I don’t think we realized what was happening until one day… she just stopped coming home. We did try contacting her but she always claimed she was busy. We both deleted our social media because she was everywhere, new songs, interviews, people fawning over her. People were posting old pictures and tagging all of us. Paparazzi harassed us for a while but that died down after she stopped coming home.” Chloe shook her head sitting up clapping the sand off her palms, “I get it… the lifestyle is intoxicating. I wonder if she’s lonely. If she remembers what real love, not lust, feels like.”
Aubrey scooted herself behind Chloe and wrapped her arms around her. She loved letting the redhead lean back against her. Silently, she scolded herself for not being around the last 4 years. She was sorry she wasn’t around to pick up the pieces. Looking up she could see Emily’s closed mouth smile spread across her face, it was the sweetest thing she ever laid eyes on. “I think we’re being watched…”
Chloe peaked and Emily looked down instantly kicking wet sand off her foot as the water rushed away from her. The redhead smiled bright, “Appears so… She’s so gorgeous."
To Aubrey, Chloe was the definition of love and enthusiasm with sunshine for a smile and the clearest blue sky for eyes. To her, Emily was the definition of sunshine but had become slightly somber after Barden, much more down to earth. She knew Emily was just the right balance for both Beca and Chloe so she never offered to be part of the relationship. Instead, she ran away to forget them.
“So are you… you bother are amazingly gorgeous.” Aubrey kissed the side of Chloe’s head. She let out a breath and closed her eyes, she was glad neither of them could see her expression, “If she came back… would you accept her?” She watched as the vein in Chloe’s neck pounded blood like a jackhammer.
“I… I don’t know. 3 years is a long time to be asking for forgiveness.” Chloe sighed, “I think Emily and I would have to have a real discussion about it. Beca will be in town in a few days… it’s her last tour date. We didn’t go to her last 2 concerts, it just hurt too much. Yet she still sends front row tickets… backstage passes, a limo. I don’t get it.”
Aubrey held Chloe tighter, “Wow…"
Emily wandered up to them, a smile still on her face. Emily lowered herself down to straddle Chloe’s lap which also meant straddling Aubrey’s. Her fingers slide cradled the back of both their heads while she captured Aubrey in a lengthy, gentle but meaningful kiss. She hugged Chloe's head to her upper chest to listen to her heartbeat. They all knew Chloe lived for that deep rhythmic thud in someone’s chest when they were excited, happy or just plain sexual. Somehow it gave Chloe life.
Aubrey knew Emily was Chloe’s heartbeat. Emily sent her pictures of Chloe, ear over her heart, sound asleep.
They went to Ashley and Jessica’s. Aubrey was welcomed with open arms. The two women loved their old captain, no matter if she remembered their names back then or not. There was an elephant in the room though, the real question wad who all was going to Beca and CR’s concert? If anyone. Admirably, Ash and Jess went to everything Bella related. Babysitting Bella for Stacie and Flo, even taking them all out to dinner. Meeting Lily for random gigs. Hosting smaller get-togethers for all the local Bella’s to hang out. None of them could blame the couple. They were all laughs and giggles by the time the wine started flowing. Emily and Ashley were all playful pouts when Aubrey and Jessica beat the snot out of them, then Aubrey and Chloe took a turn doing it. They received kisses to mend the wounds and the brunettes made up for it in Mario Karts.
Once home Emily curled up on the couch with her lyric pad and started writing again. She was zoned, leaving Chloe and Aubrey to each other again. Aubrey nodded to the couch, and Chloe curled up on Emily’s left. The blonde rummaged around the kitchen to find ice cream and three spoons. She plopped down on Emily’s right. Both of them giggled as the brunette mindlessly took a scoop of ice cream and nibbled at it while her pencil drew words across the page. The excitement of the day made Chloe fall asleep quickly. She snored quietly against Emily’s shoulder. The brunette smiled lovingly at her, “She’s so perfect Bree… Am I good enough for her?”
Aubrey gave her the warmest smiles and pulled the side of Emily’s head toward her whispering, “You are perfect for her Em, never doubt it for a moment. She loves you more than anything in the world.” She ran her fingers through long wavy brunette locks slowly until Emily yawned. She watched as Emily scooped Chloe up in her arms and noticed Emily’s eyes flicked from Chloe to her then to the bedroom. Aubrey didn’t need the offer twice.
Emily carefully pulled off Chloe’s clothes and put on her pj shirt and shorts then carefully laid her in the middle of the bed. Moved to her dresser to change into her own shirt and shorts. Passing Aubrey in the hallway, she gave the blonde’s hand a gentle squeeze and a gentle peck on the lips. She walked around to double check the locks on the doors and windows then came back to the bedroom. She slid in on Chloe’s right and smiled when the redhead instantly clung to her, finding her favorite place for a pillow, square over Emily’s heart.
Aubrey's heart skipped a few beats. She did not expect to see Chloe cling to Emily. “That is the most precious thing in the world,” Aubrey whispered to Emily.
The younger of them smile sleepily, “She’s my everything.” They both yawned and chuckled at the action.
The blonde slid up behind Chloe and hugged both the women she’s always adored nice and tight. She felt Chloe sigh happily.
The few days passed and life was good. The tiny cloud that seemed to loom over Chloe and Emily had been lifted. Aubrey’s presence made them all feel balanced. They dusted off all of the studio equipment and both women smiled as Emily's excitement grew.
Emily got to work recording while Chloe played with the various sounds again to get a good rhythm going. Emily even invited Aubrey in on it, something about their voices simply sounded perfect together.
Like clockwork, a driver showed up and there was a knock on the door. 3 passes held out in front of him. Aubrey looked blankly at the roadie holding up the badges who was looking back at her with an equally less than enthusiastic expression. Aubrey stepped out and closed the door behind her, “Does Beca actually want us there?”
The roadie looked confused, “I’d guess, yeah.”
“Do you know who these ladies are? The ones you come here every year to give passes to.” Aubrey asked. When he lowered the passes and shook his head
She sighed, “I figured. Do you know who Chloe and Emily are?”
His eyes shot open, “THE Chloe and Emily?! The pair that Beca is with? Oh my god, she never shuts up about how amazing they are! How she owes them everything! Holy crap, I had no idea. I wish I knew that before I got here! Now I just feel like an asshole.”
“…is with…?” Aubrey perked a brow, “And I’m Aubrey.”
“Dude!” She could already tell this roadie was a Californian or hung with Beca too much. He stammered, “Wait, YOU?! You got her the final gig that brought her to the big leagues. Not even DJ Khalid could manage what your guy did for her. Man, she talks about the three of you, like, hourly on the dot.”
“…Dude.” She cleared her throat, hating the way that word tasted on her lips. Even when it was said sarcastically. “I don’t know if you are trying to be extra cordial or if you are being genuine but I have serious doubts Beca is talking, let alone missing, any of us that much.”
He looked confused.
Aubrey shook her head, “I’ll let Emily and Chloe know you are here… and I will let you know if we want to go. Give me a moment.”
She went back inside and pressed the door closed with her back. Emily was in the living room with an iPod in one hand, apparently on full blast because Aubrey could hear it clearly from 15 feet away. It faded and repeated again, it was the song the three of them made together. She watched Emily’s head bob side to side as one hand moved to the words she was lip syncing.
Chloe rounded the corner to ask Aubrey something when she saw the look in Aubrey’s eyes, “It’s today isn’t it…” She just closed her eyes and sighed. She didn’t know if she had the strength to support them all today. The song had taken a lot out of her even if it did feel good to sing again. She knew Emily wanted to go just to give Beca the cd. If she had her way, she’d just give the cd to Denise for CR to give to Beca. Her eyes moved to Emily who was deep into the song, likely still in editing mode. The song was flawless and made a few cds which Emily had clutched in her hand. She walked up to Emily, leaned up kissing her softly, “Do you want to go?”
Emily paused the song, “It’s today?” Chloe gave her a confirming nod sending her mind spiraling. “If it’s ok with you guys… We can just slide this on stage or backstage and leave… But she needs to hear this.” She stood a little more determined. Watching both the blonde and redhead nod, they headed out the door.
The roadie blushed deep red, “This way ladies… feel free to have anything in the minibar in the limo. I promise tonight is Beca’s treat.”
Through the night none of them seemed to be thrilled about any of it… Dinner was paid for, though Beca wasn’t present. They were showed backstage, again, Beca wasn’t present. Emily did manage to slip the cd into the player when the roadie wasn’t looking.
They were escorted to seats front and center. They got waves and sung to by Young Sparrow and Cynthia Rose quite often. Admittedly, watching their friends perform was exciting. When Beca was set to hit the stage though, they held hands and breathes. It would be the first time in 3 years they laid eyes on Beca. They knew that Beca wouldn’t be able to see them anyway, even if there were big blue arrows on the stage pointing directly to them. The lights too blinding, music too numbing and excitement too breathtaking.
They held their breaths through most of Beca’s performance, it was flawless and beautiful, true music to their ears as it always had been. She even performed Freedom with Cynthia Rose with a dedication to the three of them. After Beca disappeared, the lights around the stadium eased on slowly and the lights on stage clicked off they looked at one another in silence. It was a visual debate, seeing how distraught or comfortable each other was. Chloe was the first to speak up, “Can we go home… I don’t want to go backstage.” Emily nodded, both looked at Aubrey who smiled calmly and nodded, “Of course.”
The roadie made sure they got to the limo safely, and to their front door once home. Emily scrunched her nose and handed him the spare cd, “I put one in the cd player in her room… but we need her to hear this. Please make sure she does.” He hugged it to his chest and nodded frantically, “Anything for you, Mrs. Emily Beale.”
She smiled hearing her full name and hugged him, “Thank you.”
He held up the cd and jogged back to the limo. It soon disappeared into the night.
They stayed up a few more hours, unwinding and talking adoringly about seeing Young Sparrow and CR perform, how the show actually was enjoyable.
A knock on the door made them all jump, Aubrey got up walking to the front door. She was flanked by Chloe and Emily. When she opened the door, it was the last person they expected. The person they looked at looked distraught, deeply depressed, tears rolling down their face.
Emily whispered harshly, Aubrey said curiously, Chloe let out a strangled word, in unison. “Beca…?”
