Three things could be happening here, if you’re reading this.
1) You’re curious. If you’ve never been Mormon, were born in the covenant, or a convert, or an investigator, or an exMo, doesn’t matter. You spotted this, and want to see what it’s about.
2) You’re Mormon and in a questioning phase. You’re at a crossroads in your life. Things aren’t adding up, holes are starting to show up, and the gaps are getting wider. That pit in your heart feels like it’s getting deeper and deeper.
3) You’re out of the church. For the first time in ages, probably the first time in your life, you feel free. FREE! You can do what you want, be what you want, love who you want. It’s an incredible feeling! It’s also quite normal for that new liberty to come with a steep price; a grudge against the Church and its leaders.
If any of this describes you, I want you to know something.
Yes. There IS something wrong with Mormonism. It begins and ends with the church’s perception of Free Agency.
No. There is NOTHING wrong with asking all the questions you can. There is a reason the church wants you to doubt your doubts before you doubt the church. There is a reason the church only wants you to read the official answers and not outside info.
Yes. There are people who are bitter and hateful who despise the church. Why? Because they feel like the church has hurt them. Like the church has robbed them of something vital to the human spirit, something beautiful. A playground without walls. An eagle without hood or jesses. A leaf on the wind. Freedom to be themselves.
Are you questioning?
Are you devout?
Are you out and salty about it?
Are you curious?
That’s okay. It’s normal. Heck, no one knows where they’re going half the time. That’s part of being mortal, no matter what your religion is. Or lack thereof, in some cases.
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Still reading? Then I’m guessing you’re ExMo, or you’re questioning your life decisions right now. Then this next part is from me, from the bottom of my heart, to you.
You’re ready. Let go. Let go of it. The hatred, the fear, the spite, the malice. Holding onto what only hurts you is a lot like that old Sunday lesson. It’s like holding a five pound weight out at arm’s length. Eventually, you feel that tiny weight burning in your shoulder. It hurts. Your arm trembles. But you can’t let go. You don’t know why, but you have to hold on to it, for whatever reason.
To my Mormon friend; You feel like you can’t leave the only thing you’ve ever known, the only truth that’s ever made you feel at home. Even though, what you see in history textbooks and what you see in the Book of Mormon isn’t adding up. Even though, what you feel about the people you care about doesn’t match up with what the church is telling you to think about them. And the longer you hold onto that blind faith, the more and more it will hurt. You’ll start cracking, you’ll start lashing out, you’ll start caving in on yourself or exploding at the slightest provocation. Trust me, I’ve been there. You can feel the weight of all your questions about the Priesthood, the temple, the Proclamation to the World, the gaps in the narrative weighing on your shelf. It’s starting to crack. And you’re not sure which one hurts more.
To my fellow ExMormons, you’re angry. You feel enraged, you feel hurt. The church had cheated you of your freedom of choice, your conscience, your finances, your friendships, your relationships, everything that makes up you. You feel like you’ve spent your whole life stuck in a limbo, and the church was the one who held your shackles. You feel a sick, twisting monster in your gut. You want to hurt them. You want to damage them. You feel resentment for your family members who are still in the church. Especially for the judgemental TBMs who have ceased all contact with you because they feel justified in doing so. Before you say, ‘The self-righteous pricks!’ I want you to consider something.
Both of you, pay attention for a second. This one’s important.
A very brave, very wise man once said ‘Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that’.
What does that mean? To you, my questioning Mormon reader, it means that if you feel like the answers the church is giving you aren’t enough, if you’re trying to pelt the shadows with more shadows, start looking in other places for a light. If you have, and you’ve read both the apologetic answers and the answers outside the Church Manual, then withdraw from everything for a while and look in yourself for the real truth. Your heart is the truest compass you will ever have. If you feel like things aren’t adding up, you’re probably right. Trust your gut. I did. I feel like it was the moment that defined the rest of my life, and I haven’t regretted a moment of my life since then.
To my fellow ExMormon, let go of that grudge. The church isn’t paying rent for the space in your head. Evict them. And if a questioning Mormon asks you for your opinion, I ask you to restrain yourself from launching into a bitter, aggressive tirade. Be gentle. They’re afraid. They’ve run out of options. They’re desperate. That’s why they’re asking you for help. Don’t start out with Joseph Smith and Captain Kidd and the Kinderhook Plates and the stone in the hat. Start out with ‘I’m here for you. You’ll be okay. Do you need a hug?’
Above all, to you my friend, be kind. If you come out of this still a Mormon, or if you click away from this still embittered, remember to be kind.
