#beefleaf angst

[redlikerozez]

Alone/With You

Summary: Haunted by visions of a traumatic hit-and-run car accident, Shi Qingxuan tries to regain some sort of normalcy in a world with their beloved older brother no longer in it. Best friend Xie Lian and partner He Xuan try to help in the way of distraction and comfort, but lately He Xuan has been disappearing from their bed at night and Xie Lian has classes to attend and can’t be around nearly as much. Left alone in the once-shared apartment, Shi Qingxuan finds themself completely alone for the first time since the accident.

Modern BeefLeaf angst.

Content warnings/tags: Grief/PTSD recovery (early stages), flashbacks, car accident trauma, broken bones, toxic relationships, SQX’s canon gender fluidity, SQX using he/they pronouns, SQX using she/her pronouns, not very explicit sex, brief mentions of past addiction (He Xuan), homophobia/transphobia (slur used - ‘tranny’)

Word Count: 18k

Fic under the cut~

Inspired by this song:

They knew what it was like to be a deer in front of the headlights of an oncoming car, intimately more than they ever wanted to be acquainted with. 

He dreamt about it nearly every night since the accident that shattered his arm and leg and had left him an only child. A hit-and-run on a dimly lit road at night. The person responsible deserved to be the one that was rotting in hell, not his brother.

This was a night like so many others. They had awoken after a troubling fit of sleep sweating and screaming. He pawed at the other side of the bed with his eyes still shut tight, afraid to open them and see any headlights of a car passing by the window.

Cotton sheets. Wrinkled. Cold. 

The realization simmered a boiling betrayal in the pit of their stomach as they opened their eyes in panic.

“…Ming-xiong?” he croaked out into the empty bedroom.

Only the blackness of night and the crickets outside answered him back.

“Ming-xiong?” they called again, louder, this time sitting up.

No reply.

Their partner, who had been sleeping next to them when he fell asleep, was nowhere to be found when they needed him the most. His already bleeding heart felt almost as shattered as the two extremities that were still encased in thick plaster. 

His loved ones had all written notes in permanent marker on his casts. He tried to make out some of the scrawls in the night, hoping to calm his mind and heart. Even tracing the rough texture of the cast over the words was enough to stop his mind from spiraling, if only just for a little bit.

Their best friend, Xie Lian’s note was the longest, most heartfelt and it took up nearly half of the plaster on his wrist. Honestly, it read more like a eulogy than well wishes.

They tried not to think too much about it. It was the sentiment that counted, right?

Hua Cheng, Xie Lian’s devastatingly handsome and similarly devilishly dispositioned fiancée, had scribbled something incoherent next to his lover’s long note. Xie Lian, albeit politely, bullied him into drawing something to make up for the absolutely illegible script, so he took his time doodling a small cartoon fox next to it.

He laughed when he read over Mu Qing and Feng Xin’s notes. He remembered the two had had a rather memorable time trying to one-up each other with their notes and doodles in the ward, much to the hospital’s chagrin.

Regrettably, while he was still under the influence of very strong painkillers in the ward, his brother’s friends that he unlovingly nicknamed ‘the Tumors,’ had managed to convince him in his delirious state to let them sign his casts. Ling Wen and the two Pei brothers wrote out their condolences and signatures in as small a script as possible, knowing they couldn’t push their luck.

He Xuan, his currently absent partner, however, decided that instead of writing a note he would draw all over the empty space in between the notes of their friends. Intricate as possible with a permanent marker on the roughly-textured plaster cast, he scrawled designs of waves and bone fish that mimicked his real tattoos. His drawings weaved through and around the signatures and messages. He had more room to create a bigger bone dragon portrait on the leg cast because most people had opted to sign the arm.

Their fingers traced the expertly drawn lines of their favorite fish and rode over a gentle wave as they tried to memorize the texture of the rough plaster and canvas. 

But everything felt so loud. 

Skidding tires, his brother’s hand slapping against his chest in a feeble attempt at protection, the terrible noise of metal scraping against metal, and shattering glass played on repeat in his head. 

And the headlights. Blinding white LEDs that felt so bright his eyes would surely melt.

Just breathe. In through your nose, hold, out through your mouth, he coached himself. 

“Fish, dragon, Xie Lian’s note, waves, fox, pillow, sheets…” they counted aloud as they touched each respectively, like connecting the dots. He kept going through every item he could reach until his mind quieted down.

Slumping over back onto the pillow, they clutched the sleep shirt tightly into a ball around their heart as the tears began to prickle in the corners of their eyes. He didn’t even know why he was crying. Maybe from exhaustion?

Usually after a nightmare like this, he would be comforted and distracted as much as he needed, but it was becoming an alarmingly and increasingly common situation for Shi Qingxuan having to self-soothe down from the panic and flashbacks.

He Xuan had just disappeared with no warning for the past couple of days while they slept. Their mind was already fragile, and now with the added bonus of their partner gone in the middle of the night, it gave them a whole new fresh set of tumultuous emotions in their clouded and aching heart.

Was he ok? Where did he go? What was he doing? Was he driving? Was he in an accident, too? When would he come back? 

…Would he even come back?

The racing thoughts were out of control.

After an unsuccessful nights sleep that was mostly just silent weeping and aggressively cuddle-choking a surrogate He Xuan (a large stuffed bear He Xuan had given him for Valentine’s Day last year), an alarm forced his eyes open again. Groaning, he turned it off and released his death grip on the innocent bear.

Yeah, there’s no way I’m going to class today… he thought to himself, rubbing the crusty goop out of his swollen, puffy, red eyes. Do I just drop out for the semester and try to repeat it next year…? Fuck, I don’t wanna think about that right now…

He forced himself to get up from under the casket-lid covers, but his whole body just felt like lead. They sat up holding their achy bowling ball head. It wasn’t good to stay in bed all day and wallow in grief, or so the school psychologist and their partner suggested. So he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stumbled over to the bathroom to start putting the plastic protective covers around his casts with the intent to take a shower.

In the early days, their partner had to help them in the shower because they had refused to get out of bed for a long time, but he couldn’t help if he wasn’t here anymore.

Saying it was tedious to learn how to shower with one good hand and one good leg was a gross understatement. Especially when that one had a hair care and skin care routine as intricate as his back before the accident. But he had long since begun slacking on taking care of himself as rigidly as he used to now that He Xuan couldn’t help every time he took a shower. 

It was hard enough to open shampoo bottles in the shower at the best of times. With one hand, it was near impossible, so he learned early on just to leave them open in between showers. And as much as it physically pained him to do so, instead of squirting the contents of the bottles into his hand, he had to pour it directly onto his head and then work the product in his scalp.

Nowadays, their showers mostly just consisted of letting the lava-hot water hit their face or shoulders, and concentrating on the sensations of water hitting skin rather than actually cleaning themself. He could’ve just stayed in the shower all day, letting the water continuously beat into his skin, but he was shocked out of a daze when the water turned to ice.

Slinking on the fluffiest green robe they owned after emerging from the shower mostly clean and wrapping long wavy locks into a hair wrap, they mindlessly and tiredly trudged into the kitchen to start preparing something for breakfast. His eyes, throat, and forehead were hurting from all the crying last night. The shower helped a little bit with the swelling of his eyes, but it didn’t deter the headache or the sore throat.

In the middle of cracking some number of eggs into a bowl, they remembered they needed to take medication. Pouring a glass of water quickly, he rushed as fast as he could on one good leg back into the bathroom to retrieve the litany of pills he was prescribed to take in the morning. Shoving the handful into their mouth and forcefully swallowing with some water, they made a small gagging sound and went to continue with the eggs.

Opening the refrigerator next, they pushed past all the leftovers and home-cooked meals people had brought over the past couple of weeks to grab for other ingredients.

Buttering some bread, he stuck them in the toaster and pushed it down. He started cooking up the eggs on the stove while the toaster worked its magic.

“Oh while, I’m at it…” they whispered to themself, getting another idea, and completely abandoning the eggs in the hot pan.

He went to wash some rice and stick it in the rice cooker so he’d have some ready for later in the day.

Finally returning to the eggs on the stove, he realized it was a little late to scramble them but still tried his best, getting two plates out of the cupboard overhead and pouring some juice into two glasses. 

The toaster dinged as he was nearly finished pouring the second glass, and it startled them greatly, even spilling a little bit on the table in their fright.

“God! Fucking hell!” they cursed at the toaster. “Every fucking time, I swear…”

Rubbing their achy and puffy eyes in annoyance, they divided out the eggs and the toast evenly amongst the two plates, quickly getting a kitchen rag and wiping up the spilled juice before putting the carton back in the refrigerator. 

Finally, setting the finished meal on the breakfast table in the kitchen, he walked into the hallway, calling out into the empty apartment, “Ge, get up. I made bre-”

His voice caught in his throat as he approached the closed door adjacent to his room. 

Without even realizing, he made breakfast for two. 

“Haha…” they started laughing slowly. “Hahahahaha!” 

A trembling hand slapped to his forehead in realization as he continued cackling, shrill and breathy, in the middle of the hallway at the stupid mistake.

“It’s just me now,” he digested, only himself there to hear it.

His gurgling stomach – that was empty save for medication and water – began to ache a little from all the manic cackling. 

Shrugging, they padded off back into the kitchen. He kept trying to force a smile on his face for no one to see. His gaze gradually fell on the table set for two.

“Silly, silly me,” he teased himself, smiling while his throat constricted and hot tears threatened to eke out.

They pushed out the chair and sat down, not taking their eyes off the second plate of food across from him.

After however many days it had been since the accident, this was one thing they just couldn’t get used to. 

They hated eating alone.

He and his brother used to have breakfast together like this every morning. On days Shi Wudu would get up earlier for class or for work, he would cook. Similarly, it was Shi Qingxuan’s turn to cook when they were the one who had to get up early for class. And when He Xuan spent the night, sometimes there’d even be two people sitting with him to converse with.

They didn’t remember the last time they’d eaten alone at this table since before He Xuan had started disappearing at night a couple days ago.

After Shi Qingxuan was finally released from the hospital, He Xuan had stayed over for the first week or two to help, but now he had to come and go. Still, he always tried to make time to come over for meals to keep his partner company. If nothing else, he was there for the free, home-cooked food. But work needed catching up, fish needed feeding and he couldn’t stay indefinitely even if he wanted to. Life had to move on. And god only knows how much he owed Hua Cheng at this point for looking after his fish during those weeks.

Still, it didn’t totally explain the random disappearances, but they’d talk to him later about that.

When He Xuan wasn’t available to come over, their best friend and confidant, Xie Lian, did his best to step in and keep them company. Occasionally, he’d bring his fiancé over too, but Hua Cheng and Shi Qingxuan didn’t really get along. They were a little scared of him, to be honest.

He hadn’t even gotten one forkful into his mouth fully before he felt the first tear slide down his cheek.

I hate eating alone… they thought.

And they were. They were desperately and utterly alone.

“Fuck,” he said simply, still trying to put on a smile though the tears, “I really am rather pathetic without you, Ge, aren’t I?”

The metal fork clattered on the ceramic and he covered his eyes, squeezing his temples hard with a trembling hand.

“You always said I’d never have gotten anywhere without you, Ge,” they croaked through sobs, “and here I am, haha! Just like you said!”

Failing multiple classes, dark circles, no longer perfect complexion, boyfriend missing in action… The list they started in their head could keep going, but they were interrupted.

A soft knock on the door startled them and they shot up as fast as they could, stumbling over to the door frantically.

Why was He Xuan knocking? 

He has a key, doesn’t he?

“Ming-xiong!” they cried, relief washing over them like a hot shower, as they pulled open the door handle. “Where did you-”

Much to the surprise of both parties on either side of the threshold, it was not He Xuan who was on the other side of the door.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t think you’d be up yet, Qingxuan.”

His eye twitched slightly at the familiarity. It was Pei Ming and his little brother. Ling Wen was behind them, too.

The Tumors… or what’s left of them, at least, with Ge gone...

“I told He Xuan we’d be here in the morning with some breakfast and to help clean and-”

“He isn’t here.”

“Yeah, sorta figuring that out,” he said a little sheepishly. “Can we come in? We brought you some food.”

More food. Great, they thought, exasperated at the thought of trying to cram more things into the already stuffed refrigerator. 

Everyone always brought food with them. Even with He Xuan’s notorious appetite, the two of them still hadn’t gotten through the first two weeks’ worth of condolence casseroles and other confections. And that was excluding all of Xie Lian’s cooking that was graciously accepted but had to be thrown out immediately for the sake of anyone who even remotely thought about eating it.

“I heard people usually bring dinner for this sorta thing,” Ling Wen chimed in, a weak smile adorning her usually tired face, “so I thought it would be smart to bring breakfast.”

“Donuts. So you don’t have to cook,” Pei Xiu offered, holding a rectangular white box.

Shi Qingxuan let slip a nervous laugh and a quick word of thanks as they hesitantly opened up the door for the unexpected guests.

“Well, I didn’t know you were coming so I may-or-may-not have just gotten out of the shower and made food, so pardon my appearance, haha,” they explained. “Come, come in. Please, sit down. We can eat it all together.”

“Oh no, we couldn’t possibly-”

“Shh, you quit that! Come sit down, come on,” he insisted, a bright, toothy smile spreading his face as he began shooing them over to the table.

Even eating with the worst sort of company is better than eating alone, right? they thought. 

Pei Xiu set the large box of donuts on the table. Everyone nervously took their seats. Shi Qingxuan sat in his usual place, while Ling Wen was to his right, across was Pei Ming and Pei Xiu was to his left.

“Whoever wants to eat that,” they pointed to the second plate currently in front of Pei Ming, “is welcome to. I accidentally made two plates, haha! Silly me, forgetting I’m all alone now!”

Everyone looked at him with an awkward and pained expression on their faces, but Shi Qingxuan pretended not to notice.

“Come, come, crack it open,” they pressed. “We might as well dig in. I hope you got some sprinkles! I love sprinkles. Oh, did you get any chocolate ones? I’ll save ‘em for Ming-xiong when he comes back.”

“Speaking of… Where is He Xuan anyway?” Pei Ming asked.

“No clue!” He smiled brightly, but his eyes looked dark, betraying the anger he felt.

“Oh.”

Pei Xiu finally pried open the box of donuts and Shi Qingxuan stumbled up to grab the last of the clean plates from the cupboard. Pei Ming offered to help, but Shi Qingxuan just hushed him and insisted he eat what was on the plate he sat in front of.

“Hey, shouldn’t you be using a crutch instead of hobbling around on that?”

“Aiyah, it’s not a big deal. It hurts my shoulder, anyway. And it’s too much work using it just to get around the apartment.”

They set the two plates down rather clumsily in front of Ling Wen and Pei Xiu. No one moved after being given a plate, not even after he shuffled back into place. They all just stared at him, as if waiting for something.

“Well, go on, then,” they insisted again. Still, no one moved. “Ok, fine, if you don’t want the first pick, I’ll choose… hmm… you!”

They pulled out a rather auspicious looking donut with pink icing and rainbow sprinkles. Slapping it onto the plate of eggs and toast, they began eating again.

After seeing him pick up the first donut, the others caved and lifted their choices from the box and onto their plates.

“So…” Pei Ming started, hesitantly taking some of the eggs onto a fork, “how’s your arm and leg doing? Feeling any better? Are they giving ya the good shit?” He winked at Shi Qingxuan, just trying to keep the mood as light as possible.

“Oh, you know it! Only the best for Shi Wudu’s ‘Didi.’ But yeah, can’t complain,” they replied, shrugging their shoulders. “Doesn’t hurt so much as it itches like crazy sometimes, especially my leg. But hey, I’d rather be crippled for a little while than dead, I suppose, haha!”

Pei Ming eked out a nervous laugh. “Yeah. Erm… That’s… certainly one way of looking at it.”

“How long will you be in the cast for?” Ling Wen asked, changing the subject.

“I get the arm one off in three weeks, and the leg one off in… What is it now? A month? Two months? Aiyah, I forget these tedious things! My memory isn’t the best right now,” he replied, waving at them before taking a big forkful of eggs into his mouth. “But fingers crossed for sooner.”

“Oh, that’s good,” she said, nibbling on the edges of a glazed donut.

“And He Xuan didn’t tell you we were coming?” Pei Ming asked after a moment of silence.

“I suppose he didn't have the chance to say anything after running off last night,” they said bitterly. “And he never answers his phone anyway. Why does he even have the damn thing?”

The three exchanged curious glances to each other. 

“Oh, speaking of my stupid boyfriend, are you guys coming to the concert tonight?” they inquired with a bright dazzle in their eyes. “A-Lian’s boytoy is surely going to bring out the best crowd. You’ll definitely have some skirts to chase.” He leaned in towards Pei Ming, raising his eyebrows up and down, insinuating.

“I was thinking about dropping by, yeah,” Pei Ming said with an awkward laugh.

“What about you two? Are you going as well?” 

Ling Wen nodded and Pei Xiu nodded with her.

“We’ll be there,” she promised.

“It’ll be my first time out and about with friends since the accident,” they chirped. “I’m excited to spread my one unbroken wing and party again!” He motioned out a big stretch with the arm that he could still bend.

“Yeah, just make sure to take it easy,” Pei Ming reminded him. “Don’t go pushing yourself further than you can handle. And you better take your crutch, ok?”

“With all that medication you're taking, you probably shouldn’t go too heavy on the drinking like you used to-” Ling Wen started.

“God!” he exclaimed dramatically, slumping his arm back down. “Stop acting like you’re all my brother!” 

The three sitting around him shrunk back in horror. 

“We didn’t mean to-”

Shi Qingxuan just laughed it off. “Haha, jeez. I’m just kidding. So serious!” 

He wasn’t completely kidding, though. The Tumors were being annoyingly fraternal. It’s not like they could replace what was already dead and gone, even if they were close with his late-brother.

“I’m not going to be drinking, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still have fun.” He huffed and crossed his working arm into the casted arm’s crook childishly, and further explained, “Besides, A-Lian’s man-thing is making sure they have mocktails at the bar,” they leaned in close, like sharing a secret, “but between you and me, he’s probably only helping for the sake of his precious Gege. A-Lian doesn’t really drink either, so at least I’ll have a fellow sober buddy, haha.”

“That’s… nice… of Hua Cheng,” Pei Ming said hesitantly, unsure if he should really be praising the man.

The Tumors looked mostly pacified for now, but that didn’t mean Shi Qingxuan wasn’t thinking about having at least one tiny sip of something alcoholic to tide him over if they could sneak away from Xie Lian to do it.

Shi Qingxuan was too busy eating again to make more conversation with the group and the Tumors had no idea what to say to them. Especially after that outburst. Everyone each pecked at their respective plates for several minutes in silence.

Finally, Pei Ming spoke up, “Well, like I said earlier, we didn’t think you’d be up yet. And I don’t want to intrude or anything, but-”

“Do you need help with anything?” Ling Wen cut in. “We can run a load of laundry or help with the dishes or something. Anything you need.”

Ling Wen’s eyes drifted around the apartment, already taking stock of what needed to be done.

“No, everything is fine,” they replied, flashing a quick smile before biting aggressively into the pink sprinkled donut. “I can manage on my own just fine. Plus, I already have help. Ming-xiong helps. And so does A-Lian when he can.”

“Well, since neither of them are here right now, please? We just want to help you in any way we can, Qingxuan,” Pei Ming said, voice heavy and low. 

Shi Qingxuan’s eye twitched again at the unrequited familiarity. 

“I know how hard it must be… We’re all grieving with you. You’re not alone,” Pei Ming added.

“He wasn’t your brother,” Shi Qingxuan felt their lips move before they even realized what came out of their mouth.

Pei Ming looked a little taken aback, and he flashed a glance to his own little brother, but decided to press further. 

“I… I know that. But we wanna do right by him,” he said. “We wanna do right by you, too.”

“You were his friends, not mine,” they hissed, still smiling, but trying to reign in the angry hot tears prickling the corners of their eyes and cracking their voice. “You can't even begin to try to replace him in my life, either. So all this fake-chummy first-name-only ‘Qingxuan’ nonsense stops now. I don’t need your help nor do I want it. So if you’re done eating, you all can leave.”

“Alright, then. That’s fine,” Ling Wen said, cutting in before Pei Ming had the chance to say something he’d regret. “We’ll get out of your hair. I have work to do anyway, so it's perfect timing. Sorry for the trouble. But if you ever need anything, please-”

“I’ll be sure to call,” they responded automatically with a squinty smile. 

Everyone always told him to call if he ever needed anything.

“Right,” she said, getting up from the table and motioning to the boys. “Come on, let’s go.”

“Thank you for the donuts!” Shi Qingxuan called after them happily as the Tumors shuffled hurriedly out of the apartment.

Pei Xiu gave him a quick but sorrowful half-smile glance back before closing the door behind them.

He shoved the remaining half of the donut in his mouth aggressively so he had something to focus on instead of crying. Forcing himself to swallow after not chewing half as much as he needed too, nearly choking briefly, he raced into the bedroom to find his phone.

He Xuan hadn’t called. Hadn’t texted. No indication of where he was or when he’d be back.

Heh, figures… they thought. I’m gonna kill that stupid idiot when I see him. 

Quickly skipping over their brother's name they still hadn’t the heart to delete at the top of the favorites list, they clicked on the third name directly after He Xuan’s. They rolled their eyes thinking about why He Xuan was even on their favorites list if the idiot never even bothered to answer the phone when they called him half the time.

The phone dialed the other number. They put it on speaker and waited to be connected.

“Hey, you there, A-Lian?” he parsed out.

“Hello? Qingxuan? What's wrong? Is everything alright?”

“Not really. I could really use some company right now, A-Lian.” 

He could hear his own voice breaking and forced a deep breath to try and halt the tears again.

“What happened?”

“Ming-xiong is gone again and I accidentally made breakfast for Ge and then the Tumors showed up and I…” he hesitated. His throat was constricting again and his nose started running. “I just don’t want to be alone right now.”

“Oh my, I see,” Xie Lian replied, heart burning for his friend. “Well, unfortunately, I’m just about to head into class. Oh yeah! I can send you all my notes from everything you’ve missed so far. But we have the concert later tonight, right? Are you still thinking about going or…?”

“Mm. I’m going.”

“Great! I’m so excited. How about I pick you up after classes are done for the day? I can make us some dinner before and then we head over. How does that sound?”

“Make it take-out and I’m sold,” they suggested instantly. “I’ll even pay you back.”

“Pay me back? Not in your wildest dreams are you paying me back. It’s my treat. Other than that, it sounds good to me! So I’ll pick you up outside your apartment, yeah? How does five thirty sound?”

“Er… I can walk, or take the bus or something. It’s no trouble, really, haha…”

There was a moment of silence on the phone. 

“Qingxuan. While I admire your dedicated efforts to conserve precious fossil fuels, you’re not walking to my apartment with a shattered tibia, not to mention the multitude of other broken-”

“I’m not getting into a car.”

Oh, Xie Lian thought. Yeah, of course they’d never want to get into a car again after that accident.

Xie Lian paused before replying softly, “Then I’ll bring take-out to you at five thirty and we can walk to the venue or take the bus together. And if you get tired, I can always carry you!”

“Hahaha! That’s not happening, A-Lian. Plus, your fiancé would probably eat me or skin me alive or something if he found out you carried me somewhere.”

Xie Lian gasped. “San Lang would never!”

“Your ‘San Lang’ would murder half the people that even speak to you without pondering his morality if you didn’t make him mind his temper, A-Lian. But it’s no matter since you’re not gonna carry me! See you at five thirty! Kisses! Bye~”

“You’re bringing your crutch, Shi Qingxuan. So help me, if I find out you haven’t been using it-”

“I can’t hear you! Lalala! I’m already hanging up the phone!”

“Hey-”

They tossed his phone back onto the bed after ending the call with a genuinely happy smile.

The corners of his mouth quickly dropped when his mind shifted instantly to thinking about the four dirty plates currently sitting on the table. Shaking their head furiously and breathing a puff of hot air, they shoved the donut box lid closed and moved it on the counter. He threw the plates haphazardly into the sink and walked away, not wanting to deal with it anymore.

Despite calling Xie Lian and feeling some semblance of emotion other than grief or anger or loneliness for the first time this morning, he was still in the same situation as before: alone in the apartment. 

He’d forgotten Xie Lian would probably be going to class about now. They were both nursing majors in the same year. At least for now, anyway.

Oh, that reminded them. They needed to call their brother’s school about inquiring for a posthumous degree, if the school would even allow it. His brother was in his last year of medical school before the accident. The least they could do was award him his hard-earned degree after all the work he’d put into it.

Shi Qingxuan tried to spend time doing things that kept their mind off of everything that was their mess of a life and apartment. They were so desperate, they even started reading one of the books the school’s psychologist had given them on grief and dealing with loss. But he gave up not even three pages in and threw it aside because it all sounded like flowery nonsense anyway.

Finally, it was time to get ready. Going up to the full length mirror in his room hanging off the closet door, he surveyed himself, scrutinizing every detail from head to toe.

His hair was mostly dry now, so he let it down from the hair burrito it had been in all day. The loose waves fell gently across his back and shoulders. Their face, despite the sleep deprived circles and still-puffy eyes from crying so much, looked pretty today. They’d even managed to clear up a few acne splotches that had cropped up from a couple days of neglecting their skin care routine.

I feel like- No, I am a girl today, she corrected her thoughts, taking stock of her body and mind.

She smiled to herself in the mirror and imagined herself imitating a cute braided hairstyle she’d seen online for the concert. She wanted it to look nice for He Xuan even in spite of how angry she was at him.

Opening up the closet, she pushed back the side of her wardrobe that hung her more masculine-leaning clothes and began browsing through her ever-growing collection of feminine wears.

When she came out to him as gender-fluid, the absolute thrifting god that was Xie Lian had taken her immediately to his favorite places and helped her pick out the cutest clothes that made her feel comfortable. He wasn’t any good at makeup by any means, but he promised if she ever needed someone to practice with or even to practice on, that he would help.

“It feels like a sundress kind of day,” she mumbled to herself mindlessly. 

Minimum effort, maximum pay off. Plus it’ll be nice and lightweight. The concert’s probably gonna be stuffy and hot.

She pulled out a long and flowy green cotton sundress that had a tiny flower pattern running across the fabric. She couldn’t remember if He Xuan had seen her in this one yet, but it was calling her name nonetheless. 

It took some stretching and tugging, but she was able to fit her casted arm that was fixed in a permanently bent position through both her favorite padded bra and then the sundress. She finally felt at home in her own skin for the first time in a while. Wearing robes and sleep clothes almost everyday just to put off having to make decisions like what style to dress in for the day didn’t exactly do great things for her mental health or constantly fluctuating gender identity, but she was too tired to care about it until today.

She nearly forgot how nice it feels to gussy-up every once in a while. She really did feel like a girl.

Hobbling over to the bathroom mirror on the casted leg she still wasn’t supposed to be walking on, she began trying to recreate that braided hairstyle she’d seen earlier, but realized immediately that with only one arm, it would probably be impossible to accomplish. It was a terrible struggle, but she opted for her tried-and-true half-up bun held together with an ornate golden hair pin. Pulling out some stray hairs to frame her face, she began thinking about makeup.

She’d gotten better at eyeliner since her first few attempts years ago on hers and A-Lian’s face. She shuddered at thinking someone actually let her walk outside like that at one point. Of course, her brother probably protested at some point, but she just ignored him then. 

He was never a fan of her painting her nails or wearing makeup, and especially not dressing more feminine. She had always hated it whenever he would try to insist she change clothes before going out or wipe off her makeup. 

As she stared at her collection of mostly drugstore compacts she’d sneakily bought over the years now out and openly displayed on the counter they used to share, she found herself wanting to hear Ge’s fervent and probably negative opinions on her eyeliner or lipstick color again.

Settling for some glittery golden eyeshadow, a thin brown liner, and some light gloss on her lips, she felt better than she’d felt in a long time. 

Maybe even good enough to snap some photos.

Bringing her cell phone out to the closest window for better lighting, she hesitantly opened up the camera and tried a couple of different angles and faces, but none of them really looked perfect. She thought about deleting them, but felt like that was too much effort. Maybe He Xuan would want them later, who knows?

She was in the middle of posing for the last picture before the doorbell rang.

“A-Lian!” she said, hobbling over to the door.

She embraced Xie Lian as soon as she opened the door. Xie Lian eyed her for a split second when he noticed she wasn’t using her crutch, but he didn’t say anything. They exchanged pleasantries and greetings before they both stepped back into the apartment.

He was wearing the same as he always did. He had a high neck whitish-cream sweater and some loose fitting gray pants that cinched at the ankle. His hair was tied back in a loose bun at his neck.

“Wait a second… No! You didn't?!” she gasped, seeing the take-out bag logo. She threw her arms around him again.

Xie Lian was carrying a brown bag full of goodies from their favorite meat bun place in the shopping district close to campus.

He smiled widely after the hug was finished, holding up the bag, and beamed back, “I did!”

“Ugh, you’re too good to me, A-Lian.”

She grabbed the bag with the greedy fingers of her good hand and started hoisting the contents out and onto the breakfast table with much difficulty.

“Here, let me-”

“No, no, I got it!” she assured him. 

There was a close call with one of the squeaky and surprisingly slippery styrofoam take-out boxes, but with the combined help of Xie Lian’s goldy reflexes and her stubborn assertion to not drop anything, she managed to spread everything out on the breakfast table without any casualties.

“Oh, I don’t think I have any clean plates left…” she realized, a finger on her chin as she stared at the mountain of dishes in the sink. 

“One step ahead of you,” Xie Lian beamed, pulling something out of his bag. “I know it’s not the greenest solution, but I read that some people found them helpful in similar situations. And I know how annoying dishes can be. So… paper plates and plastic forks? Is that ok?”

“A-Lian, when I say you’re a prince of a guy… No, nothing I say could do you justice. You’re a lifesaver!”

She started fake sobbing and began unceasingly blessing him and his ancestors and his future marriage and his future children and his future children’s children a thousand times over, much to the complete embarrassment and befuddlement of Xie Lian. He hurriedly ripped open the plastic packaging and handed them each a paper plate to get her to stop.

“Now, then. Let’s dig in!” he presented with much grandeur to try and distract her. “Bon appetit!”

Both started grabbing from the ample offerings before them, adding piles of yummy food to their plates. She even had a chance to bring out the rice she had cooked earlier in the day. 

“So how was class?” Shi Qingxuan asked, taking a huge bite into the first bun. 

She began to wipe the corners of her mouth and was surprised to find it had a sticky texture. Realization dawned on her when she saw the glittery gloss on her fingers and she squinted evilly at the bun for a moment. She had just applied lip gloss and then immediately smeared it off all over the bun.

“Oh, the same as always,” Xie Lian waved off, seeming not to notice her predicament. His eyes brightened for a moment. “Oh yeah! Remind me before I leave that I have a copy of my notebook for you.”

She took out a paper napkin and gave up, wiping off the rest of the gloss before saying, “I’ll try, ahaha. My memory’s kinda jumbled up these days. Maybe you can remind me to remind you?” 

He put a hand over his mouth, like he was horrified of himself. “Oh, I’m so sorry! Don’t even worry about it. I didn’t mean-”

“Relax! Haha, it’s a joke. I’m joking. I can still make jokes, you know?”

“Oh,” he said, laughing nervously. “Well, in any case, how are you, really? You didn’t sound too good earlier today.”

“Yeah, haha, let’s just say today’s been an absolute shitshow!” she chirped, smiling happily as ever. “But now you’re here, and we’re eating good food together. We’re gonna see the concert later, gonna see our boys play on the big stage! It'll be great! Forget about earlier, it’s already finished. Tonight is going to be amazing!”

“Yeah, that’s the spirit.” 

He was trying to sound as enthusiastic as Shi Qingxuan, but he could tell that they probably just didn’t wanna talk about it. Their conversation earlier really worried him. 

He was here for the distraction, though, and that’s what he was going to do!

“By the way, your dress?” he offered. “Stunning!”

Shi Qingxuan waved at him, feigning ignorance. “Oh, this ol’ thing? You like? Yeah, I think I got it with you, actually! Maybe around four months ago at that second-hand shop near campus?”

“Yeah, I remember it well. It has pockets, right?”

“Yes, oh my god, you do remember!”

“And your makeup!! The gold looks really good with the green dress. The hair pin was a nice touch, too.”

“Haha, I’ve gotten better at this sorta thing, don’t you think?” 

“Most definitely!”

“I was going for ‘make my stupid boyfriend fall over while he’s on stage when he looks at me in the crowd,’” she explained dreamily. “So. What do you think? Is it good enough?”

“Mm,” Xie Lian nodded enthusiastically. “His socks are getting knocked clean off, for sure!”

She resisted the urge to make a dirty joke to spare her friend's innocence. 

“Oh, but Ming-xiong is definitely gonna get it when I see that idiot. Leaving me like that in the middle of the night again?!” She sighed angrily and narrowed her eyes, exclaiming resolutely, “He will pay.” She shoved the last bite of the meat bun in her mouth and chewed angrily.

“He just… left?”

“Yeah, no text, no call, no note, no nothing! I’m gonna kill him, I swear!” she raved, mouth still a little full. Balling her working hand into fist, she made some fake swinging motions in the air for effect. “I’ll climb on that stage if I have to and hit him with his own stupid guitar if he doesn’t grovel at my feet the moment he sees me to beg for my forgiveness.”

That doesn’t sound like something He Xuan would ever do… Xie Lian thought to himself.

“He’s not… cheating… is he?” he hissed with a hoarse whisper. He could barely say such a scandalous thing.

She barked out a laugh. 

“He’d be the stupidest idiot in the universe to cheat on me!” she cried. “For real, what’s he got going for him? Personality? Definitely not. He’s an asshole at the best of times. Looks? He scares children just walking down the street. I mean, I think he’s just the cutest thing, but beauty is in the eyeliner of the beholder, that’s what I always say. And don’t even get me started on money. I’m certain the gods are the only ones who know how much debt that idiot is actually in. I’m literally the only thing good in his life besides his stupid fish and maybe that dumb band.”

“Then what could he be disappearing for?”

“I mean, he does work early in the mornings — like stupid early — but he shouldn’t be leaving at like four, right? Surely not for a shift at six thirty just down the street from his apartment?”

Xie Lian shrugged. 

“Well, anyway… Enough about stupid men, present company excluded of course,” she shot him an endearing smile. “How’re you doing? How’s the wedding planning? How’s Prince Not-So-Charming?”

Xie Lian laughed at the nickname. “San Lang’s not that bad, is he?”

Shi Qingxuan shot him a look in between shoving a clump of rice in her mouth.

He laughed nervously. “Well about the wedding planning… It’s certainly something all right. San Lang… he…” He let out a deep sigh and let his voice trail off.

Her ears perked up at the insinuation that there was something wrong in her best friend’s seemingly perfect love life.

“Oh? Is there perhaps trouble in paradise manor?”

“You have to stop calling our apartment that. It sounds like something… untoward… like a strip club or something,” Xie Lian whispered it like it was some horrible sin and waved at her dismissively. “I don’t know, maybe it’s stupid. Can someone be… too accommodating? I never know what he really wants— well, besides whatever I want. He just agrees with everything I suggest. So I started asking him questions, giving him choices… and it’s… really it’s rather frustrating! I asked him the other day just if he wanted a big or a small wedding. A simple this-or-that. And you know what he said to me? He just said, ‘Whatever Gege wants.’ Like? What am I supposed to do with that when we have a whole wedding to plan?”

Shi Qingxuan was trying to hold in a barrage of laughter between her lips. 

“What?”

“Aiyah, you’re too cute, A-Lian, you know that?” she managed to squeak out with difficulty.

“I’m being serious! It’s no help at all!” he insisted, slumping melodramatically in the chair. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do if he says the same thing about flowers or cake or whatever else there is to be done for our wedding. It’s supposed to be a joining of two people in mind, in heart, and in soul. Not one person making all the decisions because his fiancé is so in love, he’s a complete pushover— No, wait! That’s too mean to San Lang, he’s not here to defend himself. I mean, he’s not a complete pushover, just-”

At that, she finally burst the dam, it was too much to hold in.

“We really know how to choose ‘em, don’t we?” she said after the laughter subsided.

They both concluded their partners were hopeless before it was time to head to the concert. Xie Lian made sure to remember to leave the notebook for her on the coffee table. Lip gloss was reapplied and a lone strappy leather sandal was put on her bare foot. 

She was ready!

But Xie Lian wasn’t satisfied. He forced a much-neglected crutch under her arm, not without profuse whining and futile efforts of arguing against him.

“If you really don’t want to use it, I’ll be more than happy to carry you,” Xie Lian threatened with a calm smile on his face. “Your choice!”

With that, Shi Qingxuan shut her mouth and proceeded without further grumbling about using the dreadfully uncomfortable thing. They took off for the live house that was near campus.

The atmosphere changed dramatically once they were outside of the apartment. Shi Qingxuan didn’t realize how terrible walking down the street was going to be. Not even because of the crutch, but because of the sounds.

Cars whooshed by her ears at frightening speeds and the headlights… The headlights were the worst part. Every car was surely headed straight for her on the sidewalk, it seemed.

Xie Lian, noticing her reaction to the traffic, set himself in between her and the road so that she wasn’t walking directly next to the street. It helped a little bit, but she still flinched when she heard the cars coming and held her gaze to the sidewalk below so she couldn’t see the headlights in her eyes.

Luckily, the bus stop wasn’t too far. Xie Lian sat her down on the bench and stood in front of her to effectively block the view of the street while they waited for the bus. He lightly encouraged her to close her eyes and ears, too, if it would help.

Once carefully situated in the priority seats on the bus, Shi Qingxuan grasped onto Xie Lian’s arm for dear life with a white-knuckled grip. Her terrified talons shakily clawed into his arm the whole way, but he made no mention. Her eyes were shut tight and she didn’t utter a single word until Xie Lian softly informed her that they arrived at their stop. With a huge breath out of relief on her part, both hurried off the bus.

The live house, thankfully, was right there, only a couple paces away from the stop. Xie Lian opened the door for her.

“Who are you here for?” asked the woman at the front with a stamp in hand. “Which group?”

“Calamity,” both of them replied at the same time, holding out their hands respectively. They glanced at each other with a smile.

“Oh, perfect timing, then. They’ll be on after this set. Enjoy!”

Both of their hands were stamped with a faded pink logo for the live house and they were handed two drink tickets each.

Xie Lian went to grab both of them some mocktails to drink before their band was set to perform.

Calamity was the name of the band both of their partners were a part of. Hua Cheng was the lead singer and guitarist and He Xuan played the bass guitar. Xie Lian’s cousin was the drummer, but apparently they were trying to find a new one because he didn’t really mesh well with the other strong personalities in the group. Hua Cheng had even told him they only asked him to be a part of the band because he was the only one anyone knew that actually could play the drums. 

They used to have a fourth member who played the keyboard, but he had since left the band after another disagreement that ended badly. Xie Lian had briefly filled in for a couple of practice sessions to help them out, but he decided it wasn’t a good fit with his class schedule.

However, Calamity wasn’t just any regular rock band, according to the members. They had lore apparently, and their most faithful fans kept trying to unravel it.

For instance, instead of their real names, they went by stage names. Hua Cheng was San Lang and He Xuan went by Ming Yi, only Qi Rong, Xie Lian’s cousin, didn’t go by a different name for some reason that was apparently explained in one of their songs if you read between the lines. 

And even with their stage names, they each went by yet another epithet, according to a particular color scheme. Hua Cheng’s stage name is San Lang, yes, but he mostly went by Crimson Rain. He Xuan was Ming Yi, but more often known as Black Water. And Qi Rong was just Qi Rong, or more commonly Green Ghost.

Xie Lian and Shi Qingxuan really couldn’t follow their partner’s logic with all this nonsense. There were too many names to keep track of, but they both tried to support their partners and show up to any concerts to cheer them on. 

If anyone ever asked Xie Lian or Shi Qingxuan about the band’s lore, neither of them could tell you concretely what was actually the story Calamity was trying to tell, no matter how many times they had it explained to them. Something-something anarchy, something-something revenge, something-something death?

Xie Lian had even introduced He Xuan to Shi Qingxuan all those years ago as Ming Yi by accident because he literally didn’t know which was his real name and guessed incorrectly. Because of that misunderstanding, she still lovingly referred to her now-partner by the nickname Ming-xiong in honor of that funny mishap.

Xie Lian was just crazy, Shi Qingxuan thought, for calling Hua Cheng ‘San Lang’ for so long, but tried not to question it.

The best part of using a crutch in such a crowded place, Shi Qingxuan found, was that people tended to part ways for her in the crowd. She felt a little like royalty. And really, it did feel a lot better than hobbling around delicately on her leg, though she’d never tell Xie Lian.

The band currently on stage finished their last song and the event staff helped them clear off the stage and started setting up for the next band. Xie Lian made his way through the crowd with two drinks and handed something pink to her.

“What is it?” she asked looking in the glass curiously. 

“Virgin strawberry daiquiri?” Xie Lian said hesitantly. “I just guessed what I thought you might like. I didn’t know what you’d want.”

“That feels homophobic…”

“You’re literally the queerest person I know, Qingxuan. And I am engaged to a man! We’re both literally gay! How on earth is that-”

“I’m just teasing,bA-Lian, it’s perfect, ahaha!” she cut in, squatting him lightly with her hand. She tossed a sip back and made a satisfied groan. “It’s pretty good! Would be better if it was real, of course…”

“Not while you’re still on hydrocodone,” he said seriously. “I mean it, Shi Qingxuan.”

“I know, I know. What did you get?”

He was just about to respond when over the microphone, the event staff announced, “Everyone give it up for Calamity!”

The lights dimmed slightly and the audience broke out in applause and cheers. Xie Lian followed behind as Shi Qingxuan haphazardly pushed her way towards the front of the crowd to get a better spot.

Three silhouettes swaggered out on stage. Each was dressed up head to toe in a suit entirely made of their assigned colors. 

Hua Cheng, the first to emerge, wore a suave smirk on his face. His red ensemble was detailed extensively in crimson lace and he sported a multitude of silver accessories. His red and white electric guitar that had a realistic red eye that he’d painted on it hung loosely around his person, itching to be used.

Qi Rong had an emerald green suit that looked like it was made of glitter and was carrying his drumsticks. He looked like he was ready to smash something with a wild toothy grin. He was soaking up the applause of the crowds, egging them to cheer more.

He Xuan looked like a rather dashing shadow in his slightly too big, pitch black velvet suit as he slinked behind the other two. His softly pointed ears were filled with black and gold piercings and his lobes were currently in the process of being stretched. The stage lighting made him look even more like a walking skeleton than his exaggerated makeup led one to believe. His bass guitar was also entirely black, but he had a litany of stickers decorating the body. He was wearing his hair just the same as always, shiny and long and straight.

She nearly swooned at the sight of him.

How did I fall for an actual eel? she thought randomly. He was built like one, for sure, all slithery, thin, and long with his wide fishy eyes that seemed to glow yellow in certain light.

Xie Lian and Shi Qingxuan yelled and whooped, making a crazy racket once they reached the front.

“I love you, San Lang!!” shouted Xie Lian, cupping one of his hands to amplify his voice. 

“WOOO!! LET’S GO, MING-XIONG!!!” Shi Qingxuan screamed out over the crowd as the band started plugging in their instruments. “That’s my boyfriend!!”

He Xuan, upon hearing that familiar grating and shrill voice, found his eyes hurriedly searching through the crowd to find the owner. Sure enough, there she was, waving awkwardly with one good arm after shoving her glass into Xie Lian’s hand and making a terrible scene at the front. He locked eyes with her for a second before looking away and rolling his eyes. But she could see the twinkle in his golden eyes and the slight smirk he was trying to hide. It only encouraged her to shout louder. He just shook his head and tried his best to ignore her.

Hua Cheng, or rather Crimson Rain, was an expert at playing to the audience. He was so charismatic and enchanting to watch and his voice was so delicious to hear, deep and powerful. It was almost crazy to see him like this since he was a walking cactus to literally everyone except Xie Lian in real life. 

Qi Rong and He Xuan were both easily overshadowed in the back behind the main vocalist, but neither of them really cared all that much. The Green Ghost just pounded manically at the drums and Black Water looked almost bored as he plucked away rhythmically at the bass with his painted black nails.

Calamity played a total of five original songs, each named something infinitely more obscure and hard to remember than the last. While the music wasn’t something that she’d listen to on her own, she did enjoy watching them play and found it endearing listening to the reactions of the audience who was absolutely eating them up.

“Thanks everyone for coming out tonight. You were an awesome crowd!” Crimson Rain said at the end of their last song.

The crowd in the live house roared with applause and cheers. 

“Hold on, before we go, Calamity would like to especially thank one person for coming and subsequently dedicate tonight’s set to them. Black Water… would you like to do the honors?”

He Xuan’s fishy eyes turned into saucers at being mentioned to come over to the microphone. This hadn’t been discussed beforehand, it seemed.

Hesitantly, he slithered over, looking like he would rather be set on fire than address the crowd.

“Uh,” he started awkwardly. The crowd was dead silent. “We wanna d-dedicate the show to my… partner. Glad you could make it after… uh, everything.”

His pale face was looking bright red as he stared directly into Shi Qingxuan’s eyes while speaking, but he had a deep frown embedded on his face. He shoved the microphone back into Crimson Rain’s hand.

“Wanna come up on stage, real quick? In the front row, there. Yeah, there they are!”

“What?”

“Yeah! Go up!” someone in the back shouted.

“What? But I didn’t do anything-”

Suddenly the whole crowd was chanting in unison, “Do it! Do it!”

She looked at Xie Lian who shrugged and held out a hand to try and take her drink.

“Only if you want to…” Xie Lian said.

“Ok, ok, I can hop up there but I can’t stand up… probably,” she called out back to the crowd.

She handed her drink and crutch to Xie Lian and threw herself up to sit on the stage. The crowd whooped and cheered for her.

She would’ve been embarrassed if it weren’t for the stage lights shining directly in her eyes. No, instead, she was instantly transported back in time. 

Like a deer in headlights.

She was effectively frozen, sitting there on stage with terrified eyes staring directly into the lights of oncoming traffic.

“Could we get a round of applause for Black Water’s partner, everyone? Thanks for making your way out tonight, we really appreciate it. And thank you, thank you, that's really generous of you guys! You’re an amazing crowd. And don’t forget, we are Calamity!” Crimson Rain said, effectively ending the set after the strange encore.

She heard someone call her name, but she couldn’t figure out if it was her brother in her memories or someone in the live house. The whole world spun around her and she was having trouble separating reality from nightmare. 

A seat belt tightened around her neck and bruised into her shoulder. Was she even breathing? She couldn’t remember how to breathe. 

And then there were hands on her shoulders, calling her name. Maybe the EMTs and firefighters were coming to pry her out of the mangled car. Wait, no, it sounded like a familiar voice.

“Shi Qingxuan!”

It was Xie Lian, gently shaking her shoulders. She looked at his face.

“Hmm?”

“What’s the matter? What’s wrong?” he asked, holding her shoulders with a worried look on his face.

“What? No, nothing’s…” her voice trailed off. Her gaze kept getting drawn magnetically to that bright light.

He helped her down off the stage as the house lights turned on. Her feet didn’t feel right and the world still felt like she was stuck inside a washing machine. Effectively collapsing into Xie Lian’s arms when he had tried to right her on her feet with the crutch, she felt the taste of bile creep its way into the back of her throat. Swallowing hard and trying to steady herself, her desperately dizzy eyes searched for Xie Lian’s face.

“Where’s Ming-xiong?”

“What?”

“Wh-where’s Ming-xiong?” she repeated, forcing another swallow.

“I don’t know. Probably in the back or something. Why? Do you want me to get him?”

“Yeah,” she said weakly. “I need him.”

“Hold on,” he said, frantically searching the crowd for someone. “You stay right here. Don’t move.”

“Mm.”

Xie Lian rushed past her ears. Or maybe it was a car? She could barely tell the difference with how fuzzy and splotchy her vision seemed after staring into those headlights for so long.

Two blobs appeared in front of her.

“You two, don’t let her out of your sight, ok?” It was Xie Lian’s voice.

“Why?” Was that Mu Qing?

“Just do it, please?”

“Fine, whatever.”

A white shadow sped away.

“That was quite a show, wasn’t it?” This blurry figure sounded like Feng Xin.

“Yeah… Quite a show,” she mumbled.

“And that bit at the end with you. That’s nice of them.”

“Yeah, that was unexpected,” Mu Qing added.

“Nice… Unexpected…” she repeated, gazing at nothing past them. “Hey, are you drinking something?”

“Yeah, it’s just a beer-”

She was already grabbing it out of Feng Xin’s hand before he could say anything.

“Hey! What the fuck are you doing?! That’s my fucking-!”

It was too late. After practically inhaling the last half of his drink, she shoved it back in his hands. Mu Qing laughed at him.

“W-where’d Ming-xiong go?” she asked them, still not having looked at either one of their faces.

“I don’t fucking know.” Feng Xin was staring angrily at his now empty glass, seething in rage.

“How’re you doing after the whole… thing?” Mu Qing asked, trying to ignore Feng Xin.

“Yeah, no, I’m great. Do you know where Ming-xiong is?”

“I don’t know where the bands go after the set is over. Maybe some kind of green room?”

“I need him.”

“He’ll come out soon with the rest of ‘em,” Mu Qing said. “Just be patient.”

“Why’d you fucking take my drink?!” Feng Xin screamed at her.

Terrified eyes locked onto furious ones.

“Y-you can have my, my other ticket,” she croaked out, fumbling the extra ticket out of her pocket.

He snatched it out of her hand instantly and she flinched back. Feng Xin’s eyes softened slightly as he finally looked past his fury and at her shaking form.

“Where’s Ming-xiong?”

“Hey, it’s ok, really. Sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“Are you ok?” Mu Qing asked before turning it on Feng Xin. “Why the hell? Why did you yell at them like that?” He jabbed the other in the ribs.

“I didn’t know they’d react like that! And to be fair, she did fuckin-”

“No, no, I’m ok. I just need Ming-xiong. Do you know where he is?”

“We already said we don’t know,” Mu Qing rolled his eyes. “God, is that all you know how to say?”

“Hey, quit it. Can’t you see something’s up, you idiot?”

“I think I’m gonna go look for Mi-”

She took an exceptionally shaky step forward and felt her world spin so violently it was all she could do to hold on to her crutch. 

People hovered over her, but she couldn’t figure out how she ended up on the ground. Was this the ambulance?

No, someone was calling her…

“Bao?”

Her heart soared at the sound of his voice.

Her eyes finally focused on his face above hers. His round eyes were wide and his brows were thick with worry.

“I’m here, bao.”

“Ming-xiong?” she asked, still not totally sure if she was hallucinating this. She reached out with her hand to touch his face. His skin was cold and wet with sweat. “I found you, haha,” she laughed weakly.

He snorted a laugh and smirked, “Who’re you, again?”

Looking into his stupid face she burst into tears.

“Hey, stop crying. It’s ok,” he tried to calm her down, pulling her into an embrace.

Maybe not the best time to joke… he thought.

“Can we go?” she sobbed, rubbing wet mascara all across his freshly changed T-shirt.

“Mm?”

“I want to go,” she whimpered directly into his chest. “I wanna leave. I want to leave now.”

“Mm,” he sounded into her ear, stroking her hair soothingly. “I’ll take you back.”

“No, no,” she shook her head violently. “I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to feel lonely in that place. It’s just so suffocating being there without him.”

“Then my apartment,” he pivoted. 

When she didn’t reply immediately, he tried again. 

“Bao? My place, ok?” 

He lifted her cheek playfully with his finger to get her attention.

She wriggled out of his hold and nodded wordlessly into his chest, overwhelmed by all the static surrounding them. Nuzzling her face all around childishly, she heaved another sob into the shirt.

“Ok, time to get up,” he coaxed.

He helped heave her up on her feet from her underarms and picked up the fallen crutch, positioning it under her arm for support. 

A small crowd had gathered around where she had fallen. He hissed them away and hurried to escort her out the door of the live house. Before leaving, he quickly asked Xie Lian to get Hua Cheng to grab his stuff he’d abandoned in the green room.

She was way too wobbly on her feet to get anywhere fast and he knew she’d absolutely refuse an uber in her current state, so he just wordlessly scooped her up in his arms, bridal style. And the weird thing was she didn’t even protest. She just curled in on his chest again to block out any light.

“Hey, talk to me,” he said, slightly worried that she wasn’t saying anything for the first time in her life.

“No.”

“Isn’t that my line?”

“Ming-xiong.”

“Fine.”

They walked in silence for a few steps.

“Ming-xiong.”

“Mm?”

“I need you to distract me. I don’t wanna feel alone.”

“Mm…” he sounded, trying to think of something to say.

“Now, please.”

“Ok, uh,” he tried. “The concert, yeah. It was good. I… Er… I had fun.” 

“...Ok. And?”

“Y-you, um, you look nice today,” he replied nervously. He wasn’t used to being put on the spot like this. “The dress. It’s nice. Green. And the flowers… I.. I, erm, I like it. Uh…”

“Have you ever spoken to a human being before, idiot?” she whined. “Do I have to do everything? My god, Ming-xiong.”

“I could drop you.”

“You won’t.”

“I will.”

“No you won’t.”

“I’ll do it.”

His grip didn’t falter for a second.

“Coward,” she said, finally cracking a smile up at him.

“There. Done.”

She quirked her brows together in confusion. “What do you mean, ‘done’?”

“I did it. I distracted you.”

“I’d hardly call one smile a distraction,” she breathed a laugh.

“Another.”

“You’re the worst boyfriend ever.”

“I’m not your boyfriend.”

“Shut up, you love me.”

“I don't.”

She rolled her eyes, smiling up at him, more charmed than annoyed at his futile resistance. The red color blooming all over his pale scowling face said otherwise.

“Are you better now? Can you walk by yourself? You’re heavy.”

She gasped and tried to struggle out of his grip.

“Listen here, mister,” she spat, jabbing an accusing finger into his chest, “I don’t think it’s very polite to call your beautiful and lovely partner heavy!”

“Beautiful and lovely?” he asked, baffled. “I don’t have a partner like that.”

“You’re literally impossible. I hate you so much,” she breathed, absolutely exasperated.

But it was working. He was a great distraction, even if his methods were… unorthodox to say the least. They continued bickering back and forth until they finally reached the doorstep of his apartment. 

He set her down on the couch carefully and placed the crutch she’d been carrying in her hand so that it rested against the back of the couch.

“Thank you,” she said softly.

“What for?”

“Carrying me all the way back here.”

He just waved at her, like it was not a big deal. But how could it not be? He was a skinny, long thing. She studied his pale tattooed body carefully under that giant black T-shirt he had changed into. It was crazy to think he had such strength hidden somewhere on his coat-rack figure. 

Now she actually took a good look at him for the first time today up close. His roughly smudged eyeliner was making his eyes look even bigger and fishier than usual and she laughed at him.

“What?”

“You’re cute.”

“Shut up.”

“I mean it!”

He rolled his eyes and walked into the kitchen. “You hungry?”

She shook her head, “Not right now.”

“I’m starving.”

“You’re always starving.”

“What do you want?”

“I said I’m not hungry.”

He paused at the refrigerator door and looked back at her seriously, “If I make something and you start eating it, I will take a bite out of you instead as payback.”

“Is that a promise?” she asked, winking suggestively.

He rolled his eyes again and turned back to the refrigerator before fishing something out of a cabinet to start cooking.

She took a look around his familiar apartment. Four impressively simple black urns dominated the mantelpiece and she bowed instinctively upon making eye contact with them. The old family photo in a small frame next to urns was the only one he had with everyone in it. It was a picture of him and his late-fiancée standing in between his late-parents and late-sister at his engagement party.

She hobbled up to take a closer look at the photo. He was smiling, big eyes still full of life and happiness. She didn’t know all the details of what happened to them since he didn’t like to talk about it very much, but she did know that they all died in rapid succession after each other. 

She also knew that he didn’t handle their deaths very well. He had spent a year in prison and subsequently a couple rehab facilities. 

He looked so different now. But then again, if she looked at a picture of herself all those years ago, she probably wouldn’t recognize herself either.

She shook her head, trying to get her mind off of those who were departed and decided to hobble over to his biggest fish tank to greet all her little friends. He had a long twenty gallon tank stocked with a couple variants of fish on a low bookshelf next to the mantle. She knew some of their names, more specifically only the ones with especially striking colors or stripes. There were too many to remember, even if he could somehow recognize each of them, or at least make her believe he could. 

The tank was decorated with a dark blueish-black substrate and he kept live plants growing inside. There were a couple silly decorations at the bottom that made it look like a shipwreck.

In this tank, he had a small group of half-purple and half-black guppies along with a bristlenose pleco that was currently sucking on the side of the tank. He kept a good number of neon tetras and some java rice fish to school around happily. The biggest fish, the one he commonly referred to as his “centerpiece fish” was a type of dwarf cichlid he had to keep reminding her was called apistogramma panduro.

All of the fish he got were mostly rescue-projects from pet stores that didn’t know how to properly take care of them. Sometimes he rehabilitated them in an isolated quarantine tank and when they were better, he’d add them to an existing tank if possible or end up setting up a new one. Other times he’d give them to his other aquarist acquaintances since he was running out of tank space in his cramped apartment. All in all, he had about thirteen tanks scattered around on various surfaces, so no matter where she went in his apartment, it always sounded like bubbles!

“Hey there, Tuna Piano. Oh and there’s little Sushi,” she called out in a baby voice as she wiggled a finger to wave to each little friend she noticed respectively. “Hi, Chowder! Lookin’ good today, Tartar Sauce.” She scrunched her eyes for a second, searching all around. She couldn’t find one of her friends. “Hey, where’s Magikarp? I don’t see him.”

“Fin rot. Treating him in a quarantine tank in the bathroom.”

“Ah, poor little dude.”

“He’ll be fine.”

The stove clicked on. 

“What’re you making?”

“Well, there’s nothing in the fridge. All I have left is pasta. Need to go shopping.”

She nodded and sat back on the couch and he started boiling some water. He came back over to sit next to her on the couch. Wrapping an arm around her, he awkwardly pulled her closer and she smiled up at him.

“So forward! At least take me to dinner before making a move.”

He scrunched up his face and narrowed his eyes, “I only made enough pasta for me. You said you weren’t hungry.”

She rolled her eyes, still smiling up at him. “You know that’s not what I meant, stupid.”

“Tell me what happened.”

She looked away, her smile vanishing from her face instantly. He really was so bold and clipped in speech. Just straight to the point. And she wasn’t ready to think about the concert just yet.

“I’m sorry,” he offered, seeing her eyebrows coated in distress.

She pressed her lips together and narrowed her eyes at him.

“…What are you sorry for?” 

She hoped he was about to apologize for running off last night.

“You didn’t like the dedication. It was my idea. I didn’t think he’d pull you on stage. I should’ve said something-”

“No, it’s not that,” she promised. “That was sweet. Really. It… it wasn’t that.”

“Tell me.”

“I saw… It was the lights and I thought-” her voice caught in her throat and she shivered just thinking about it. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

He was slinging together a string of curses in his head for not realizing sooner.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not like you were the one that did it,” she said. “You don’t need to be sorry. It just happens. Unexpected things happen.”

He kissed her temple and squeezed her arm a little harder for a second.

“I missed you,” she said softly, melting into his side-embrace.

“Mm?”

“You left. Last night. I had a nightmare. You weren’t there.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Where did you go? You left the other day, too.”

“I have work in the morning.”

“I woke up at like four. There’s no way you left that early for work,” she said, switching positions so that she was facing him now. “Where did you go?”

“Out.”

“Ok, why did you go out?” she pressed.

“Just ‘cuz.”

“Ming-xiong, it really messed me up to wake up and not find you there,” she said calmly. “I needed you.”

He got up from the couch. She made a noise of annoyance and hobbled after him. 

“You’re running away?”

“I’m checking the pasta, relax.”

“You’re a terrible liar. I can see right through you.”

He laughed out loud. “Yeah? Why did I leave, then?”

She knew if she started talking that she’d start crying and she really didn’t feel like crying for the millionth time today. 

“Whatever,” she huffed again, turning around.

“Tell me.” 

She shook her head. 

“Tell me,” he pressed again, harder.

“You’re tired of me,” she answered finally after a hasty breath. “I’m too broken right now and you’re tired of taking care of me and constantly picking up the pieces, so you escaped. It’s fine. I get it. I’m a lot. And I’m even worse now with… everything that happened… So yeah, I get it. But I just– Oh, well, here come the tears, haha!

“It's just.. I just feel so hopelessly lonely, like all the time. My heart literally feels like someone is squeezing it every hour of the day. Like my whole existence is tied to the complete absence of his. The flashbacks and nightmares are whatever. I can sorta deal with them most of the time. 

“But when I realized you weren’t there, it felt like I was losing you too. It just felt like you didn’t love me anymore. And I really don’t want to lose you.”

“I’m here.”

“But you weren’t there. And I didn’t know where you were or what you were doing or… or if you were dead, too.”

He dry-swallowed. “I’m sorry.” 

“I don’t need you to keep apologizing. I need you to be there with me. I need to know I’m not gonna lose you.”

The pot on the stove started boiling over and He Xuan turned around to save the pasta. She stood awkwardly behind him, staring at his blurry form through tears and awkwardly waiting for him to be finished. He dumped it out into a colander in the sink and turned back around to face her.

He sighed, staring at her intensely and mumbled, “I’m not tired of you.”

“You’re not?”

“No.”

“You’re not gonna leave me?”

“No. Of course not.”

“Then why did you leave?”

He didn’t reply. He stared at her with his big dopey eyes, searching for the right words.

“Are you cheating on me?”

He laughed and answered immediately, “No.”

“Then what is it? Why? You can’t tell me?”

“I…”

“...You?”

“I-I’m not gonna leave again.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I won’t leave,” he promised, gaze hardening. 

“Prove it.” 

He gave her a confused look. 

“Fuck me.”

He laughed at her.

“I’m serious. I want you to fuck me,” she said resolutely. “If you still love me.”

He looked taken aback, his eyes being the only thing that gave away his bewilderment on his otherwise expressionless face.

They hadn’t been intimate like that with each other since before the accident.

“I just… I need you to fuck me so hard I don’t have to think. Please. I don’t care if it hurts. I don’t care. Just anything is better than this gaping emptiness I feel in my chest. I don’t want to feel anything and I don’t wanna think about anything. I just want you. I need you, please. I need to know you still love me. That you don’t wanna leave me.”

She tugged at his still-damp T-shirt helplessly.

“You… still want me?” he asked in a small voice.

She nodded. “Make me feel whole again. Make me believe you still wanna be with me.”

He stared at her, an unreadable expression in his eyes and she huffed at him impatiently.

“If you’re not inside me or taking my clothes off to get inside me in the next three seconds-”

He Xuan instantly descended upon his prey, kissing her so forcefully it took both of their breaths away. She groaned in delight against his mouth.

If this is what bao needed, it was what bao was gonna get.

He broke away from the kiss to ask, “Remember the safe word?”

“It hasn't been that long, you dummy,” she replied, poking his nose playfully. “Of course I remember it.”

“Your memory is shit right now. And it’s been… a while,” he retorted in between more kisses. “More than a month.”

“Oh,” she smirked, feeling flattered he had been counting. “Did my Ming-xiong miss me?”

“No.”

She just rolled her eyes at him as she cupped his face with her hand and went in for another kiss.

His icy facade finally cracked. He was grinning like a lovesick idiot in between kisses as he started fumbling around at the hem of her dress to begin lifting it up, exposing creamy skin to his hungry eyes. Pulling away to admire her body, he concluded that could drink in her skin all day and never be sated. He was extra careful around her casted arm when he freed the dress from her figure and discarded it on the floor without another thought. 

She bit her lip in anticipation. His hands flocked immediately to her chest where he began similarly lifting up the edge of her padded bra. This garment was much trickier to remove with her casted arm since it was tighter, but they worked it out together and she was free.

“You’re so fucking sexy,” he growled into her mouth as he pulled her into another bruising kiss.

He dragged down the lacy edges of her underwear. She hadn’t bothered to tuck today and he was thankful. It was less work for him to undo. He was careful to help her step out of the pair with her casted leg. 

He trailed a multitude of wet kisses from her sternum to her neck and up to her ear until he chomped down on her earlobe. A disgusting groan of delight left his mouth at the noises she made. 

And when he remembered he had a free hand, he beelined for one of his favorite parts. He pawed gratuitously at her ass, squishing and churning the plump flesh around as he sucked and nibbled all over the delicate and sensitive skin on her neck.

“Get on your knees,” he whispered in her ear.

She almost did it, too, body automatically ready to comply to any of his whims, but quickly remembered her leg cast. She burst out laughing and tutted at him. 

“You know, I’d really love to do that,” she breathed in between laughs. “God, you’re such an idiot. The biggest one I know. Whose memory is shit now, huh?” She pointed dramatically down to her leg. “Let’s take a moment and remember that my leg is currently encased in approximately two centimeters thick plaster!”

“Fine. Then get on the bed.”

He didn’t hesitate to just hurl her over his head with unfounded strength in a fireman’s carry and saunter into his bedroom. She giggled in delight, kicking her legs in the air excitedly at his rough treatment. It was exactly what she’d asked for and it was working marvelously to distract her.

He was careful to make sure her limbs didn’t hit the doorframe and then he practically threw her onto the bed to go in for the kill. Attacking her like a hungry piranha, all teeth, he couldn’t seem to get enough of her exposed flesh. He’d been dreaming of having her again like this for a while. Only breaking away briefly to toss away his clothes somewhere on the floor of his room, he continued his assault like a starved man.

They were a tangle of limbs and hot breaths together while they battled in each other's mouths for dominance before he crawled his way up.

He made true to her wishes, fucking desperately into her mouth until she had to tap out only because he forgot that humans needed oxygen. He chomped whispers of apologies into her skin. Then he focused his efforts abusing relentlessly into her tight heat without so much a finger for preparation, all while biting anything he could sink his teeth into.

Sex was the only time when He Xuan could effectively stop Shi Qingxuan from talking for an extended period of time. It was his personal mission every time to fuck her so silly, the only noises she could make were whimpers and screams and moans rather than coherent words. And consequently, it was the only time he ever spoke so much, making demands and slinging the filthiest sweet nothings her way.

She could only feel him. His cock, his lips, his teeth, his skin, his sweat. She could only sense him. Only his deep, gruff voice occupied her rapidly blanking mind as he ripped merciless insults her way and candied vague promises into her ears. Nothing else existed in her world except for him.

He was gentle only with her casted limbs, careful not to actually hurt her while he pounded ruthlessly into the mattress in positions that would be comfortable for her.

He licked up anything that he could see from her release and shoved his tongue in her mouth so she could taste it too. 

When he finally came crashing down from his high after spilling inside her haphazardly stretched and bloody hole, they both lay next to each other drawing in hot breaths of air from the intensity of their activities.

After his breathing stabilized, he sat up to go grab a wet towel to start cleaning her up, but she grabbed his arm.

“Don’t leave,” she croaked at him, coughing a tad. “You’re not allowed to leave.”

“Mm?”

“You’re gonna stay here with me forever, ok?”

He turned to her, brushing a few stray hairs sticking to her sweaty forehead. “I was gonna clean you up.”

“We can just shower later,” she dismissed. “Just lay back down with me for now.”

She tugged and pulled at his hand, but he stayed sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Ming-xiong, please. Don’t leave me.”

“I’m here.”

She forced her still-shaking muscles to sit up and wrap her arms around his neck from behind. She found her fingers tracing over the outlines of his bones and inks of his tattoos.

“You can’t leave me ever again, yeah? Just come cuddle with me for a while. We’ll get clean later, ok?”

“Mm.”

Finally giving in, he laid back down next to her and she snuggled up close so he could wrap his arms around her, but he made no motions.

“Jeez, are you gonna hug me or not?” she called out, annoyed after he hadn’t moved. 

“Mm.”

He wrapped an arm around her nonchalantly.

“Ming-xiong?”

“Mm?”

“Is something wrong?”

He didn’t reply.

She leaned up on her good arm and looked into his face. He closed his eyes instantly and turned his head to nuzzle into the crook of her elbow.

“Ming-xiong, look at me?” she asked lightly. “What’s wrong? Is it me? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something…?”

He shook his head into her elbow.

“I don’t understand. Use your words.”

He shook his head again. She huffed and furrowed her brows at his strange antics.

“Shouldn’t you want to spoon me after sex? Why am I having to ask for these simple pleasures? You’re so eager to fuck me but cuddling? Oh no! That’s where you’re drawing the line? You’re a terrible boyfriend, you know that?”

He snorted. “I’m not your boyfriend.”

“Oh, wait! I know! You wanna be the little spoon this time, is that it? Well, come on over here! You know I love treating you like a widdle pwincess!”

He pulled his head out of her elbow, finally having enough. “You should go.”

She barked a laugh, thinking he was joking. “Go? Go where?”

“Go back to your apartment. If I’m such a terrible boyfriend.”

“I was only kidding, you know that, dummy.”

“Leave.”

“Stop saying that. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m serious.”

Her heart stopped. “What?”

“I… I have work in the morning.”

“No. What? No! I’m not leaving. What are you even saying right now?”

He shook his head again and sat up in bed. “I think you should go,” he repeated simply.

“What the fuck are you talking about? I’m not leaving. I don’t understand what’s happening right now. You’re not making any sense, Ming-xiong. One second you’re promising that you’re not gonna leave me and that you’re right here and now you’re… you’re kicking me out?”

He opened his mouth, but no words came from his throat. He closed his mouth again and looked away, resigned in defeat. 

“Ming-xiong, you’re gonna explain yourself right now and it better be the best goddamn explanation I’ve ever heard.”

He moved so that he was sitting on the edge of the bed, as far as possible away from her, and didn’t say anything for a moment.

“You better start talking-”

“Then shut up. Listen to me. I’ll tell you.”

She sat up to full attention in bed, feeling the atmosphere of the room change dramatically as she waited for him to start with dreadful anticipation.

“My car is in the shop,” he began. “I never told you why.”

She nodded, bidding him to continue. 

“I was in an accident,” he said simply. 

“Oh my god,” she gasped. She rushed over to his side at once, grabbing one limb after the other, inspecting him for injuries but found none. “What happened? Are you ok?”

He shook her off. “I’m fine.”

“What happened?”

“It only felt like a nudge, so I didn’t think it was serious,” he continued, emotionless as ever. “I didn’t wanna get in trouble again. They’d figure out I had priors and make assumptions even though I’m three years clean. I couldn’t go back there. So I left.”

She sucked in a breath. Saucer-wide eyes bored unblinkingly in the back of his head.

“Ming-xiong, you didn’t…” she couldn’t bring herself to even finish that sentence. “After my…? You… You just left?”

“I left,” he repeated calmly. “I pulled over and inspected the damage. I started hearing sirens so I kept driving. To get away.

“But when the fire trucks and the ambulances started whirling past, I knew I fucked up. 

“I didn’t come over to your place that night even though we had plans. You didn’t try calling me either, so I just figured you were pissed off. 

“But I picked up the phone when Crimson Rain called me like ten times in a row. It was Xie Lian’s voice. He said you’d been in a bad accident and that your brother was gone. The timing was a little convenient, wasn’t it? I should’ve figured it out sooner.”

“Ming-xiong.”

“You never told me where it happened. I found it on the paperwork from the police report the other night. And I pieced it together.”

“Ming-xiong this isn’t funny,” her voice was little more than a whisper.

“I’m not joking,” he said plainly. “It made sense with the timing and the location of where I took off from that night. I’m just glad you’re ok. Glad I didn’t…” 

His voice trailed off and he kissed the cast on her leg, stroking it gently with his pale thumb.

“I left last night and the other night because I didn’t know how to tell you. I wanted to avoid you,” he admitted, finally looking into her eyes. “But I’m glad that fucker is dead. And I’m glad it was me that offed that sonofabitch not some other faceless, empty villain that haunts you forever.”

Her mind went blank for a moment, not fully processing what came out of his mouth. He was joking, right? He had to be joking. There was no way he could say something so terrible.

In all the scenarios her mind conjured up at night, it was never so bold as to imagine him in the driver's seat. 

No, she must’ve heard him wrong. There was no way he had just said anything close to what her brain surely misheard.

And sure, she knew that He Xuan and her brother didn’t really get along… Shi Wudu was always complaining about him to her and making snide remarks in his presence, but there was no way it was anything beyond just an older brother disliking the mean, tattooed goth boy that his little sibling was dating, right? 

“What did you just say?”

He said something, but she didn’t really hear it. Her body reacted instead. 

She felt like something had physically knocked the wind out of her lungs. Bile started rising in the back of her throat at the realization that he wasn’t kidding.

Tears streamed endlessly, but silently out of her shattered eyes. She felt like she’d just gotten hit by a car again. Or maybe a bus. Or maybe train. Or maybe several trains in a row.

I’m a deer in headlights…

The headlights… She could see the headlights. And now it was his face in the oncoming driver's seat. 

The skidding of the tires played like a scratched record over and over.

“I think I’m gonna throw up…”

“There’s things you don’t know, bao. Things not even I am willing to tell you about him. About what that fucker did to me and my family before I even knew you. Things he didn’t know I knew about him and what he did,” he hissed. “The things he said to me when you weren’t around… Not to mention the shit I heard him say about you. He never once saw you for the real you, you know that? And he constantly was trying to turn you against me, thinking I wasn’t good enough for you or poisoning your mind or body for supporting you or some other bullshit excuse. Good fucking riddance. Now I can have you all to myself. You’re mine now. All mine.”

He started to reach for her to embrace, but she scooted away into the corner to escape. She let out a crazed and shrill half-laugh, half-scream at his words.

“What the fuck makes you think I want anything to do with you after whatever the fuck you just told me?”

“Bao,” he crooned softly, eyes sparkling with love while the rest of his face sat motionless, “we are so much better off now that he’s gone.”

She moved to slap him, but he caught her hand calmly.

“Let me go.”

“No,” he said, grasping tighter, but not enough to hurt. Never enough to hurt — or so she had thought up until his confession. “You said you never wanted me to leave you, right?”

“Let go of me, He Xuan.”

She never used his real name. He Xuan’s eye twitched at hearing it.

“Why’re you calling me that? I’m your Ming-xiong, remember?”

He Xuan was the name of the ex-con, former addict whose whole family was dead. Ming-xiong was the stupid nickname his partner had given him, and they didn’t care about all that noise from his old self. 

She tried to struggle out of his grasp, not saying anything else.

“You know what he said to me one day? He said: ‘Maybe you do deserve each other after all. What more could a worthless addict like you hope to bed in life than a disgusting tranny whore like my brother?’”

“…What? I don’t… I can’t… He Xuan, let me go!”

“No. I’m never letting you go. He can’t hurt us. It’s ok.”

He pulled her into a firm embrace that trapped her casted arm against his chest. She pounded on his back, on his head, on his chest, fruitlessly trying to wriggle out of his grasp, but she couldn’t find the strength needed to overpower him with just the one good arm.

“Please, He Xuan, let me go!”

“No. Stop calling me that.”

He only embraced her tighter, crushing her casted arm in between their bodies.

“Fuck, ow, that hurts! He Xuan let go!” she screamed. “You’re hurting me! My arm-”

He jolted back in realization that he was actually hurting her and she leapt off the bed with her newfound freedom. As quickly as she could, she hobbled out of his room, feeling some sticky liquids dripping down her legs but she couldn’t dare think about it yet. 

All her mind was telling her to do was get the fuck out of that apartment. 

She snatched her phone from the couch and the wrinkled sundress from the floor, quickly pulling it over her head as she raced to the front door of his apartment. She threw the door open with little remorse for the hinges.

He padded after her instantly, tripping slightly as he pulled on pants to cover his modesty as he followed her out into the hallway.

“You better go back in your fucking apartment right now and not follow me like a fucking stalker!” she yelled.

She was already tapping the contact to dial Xie Lian’s number. The phone picked up instantly.

“Twice in one day! What’s up, Qingxuan? I must be the luckiest-”

“Hi, sorry about this, but I need your help. I need you to come pick me up. Like right now. I don’t care if it’s in a car. I don’t care if you carry me. I don’t even care if you have to send Hua Cheng to do it, but I need someone to pick me up right now.”

The urgency in her voice was all Xie Lian needed to know that this wasn’t a joke.

“What? Where are you? What happened? Is He Xuan there?”

“I’ll send you my live location, but I’m certainly not staying here with him,” she chuckled darkly. 

She put it on speaker for a moment to send the text relaying her live location for the next hour. 

“If I’m dead by the time you get here, it was He Xuan.”

“Don’t joke like that, Shi Qingxuan. It’s not funny.”

“It’s not a joke. I’m serious. If I’m dead by the time you get here, it was He Xuan,” she repeated. 

Xie Lian heard some muffled shouting over the phone.

“He Xuan, I’m serious, if you don’t stop following me right now I will call the police! Or, better yet, just fucking kill me and get it over with! Finish the job, why don’t you?!” she screamed. 

“No.”

“Xie Lian, I’m so sorry, can you stay on the phone with me until you get here? He’s fucking crazy-”

Xie Lian was so speechless, he had no idea what to say. He just gave a “Mm,” back into the phone and started for the door in his apartment. “I’m bringing San Lang.”

“Gege? Are we going somewhere?” Hua Cheng asked, ears perking up from the other room.

He moved the phone away from his mouth and said, “Something’s wrong. Shi Qingxuan needs help right now. Can you grab the keys?”

He groaned. “Can’t He Xuan deal with it?”

“San Lang, please get the keys,” he replied as patiently as possible. “This is serious.”

Hua Cheng was already moving towards the door with the keys in hand by the end of the sentence.

Xie Lian put the phone back in range of his mouth, “We’re on the way.”

There was mostly just incoherent mumble-shouting from the other side of the phone as Hua Cheng raced both of them to their location. Xie Lian tried to keep her talking as much as possible through the different shouts seemingly directed at He Xuan.

The car skidded to a halt in front of the live pin of her location and Xie Lian ran out of the car as soon as physically possible. The sight before him left him even more speechless than their conversation on the phone. In fact, his phone slipped from his grasp, crashing to the ground in his shock.

Shi Qingxuan was half-wearing the beautiful green sundress. Her casted arm wasn’t even through the sleeve. She was just walking with one bare foot and one casted leg on the gravely pavement, her one sandal nowhere in sight. Same with the crutch. She just hurriedly hobbled toward Xie Lian like he was her savior or her personal guardian angel. Upon a closer look, he could see bruises littered around her neck and bite marks covering most of her exposed skin.

He Xuan wasn’t looking much better a little further off. Upon seeing the cavalry show up, he sprinted towards Xie Lian, too.

“Please, get me out of here,” pleaded Shi Qingxuan, desperation thick in her voice as she clung to Xie Lian like her life depended on it. “Get me far away from him.”

“This is a misunderstanding,” He Xuan called to them, pulling her shoulder away from Xie Lian. “You didn’t have to call them. We can talk-”

She ripped her shoulder out from his grasp and whirled around, screaming at him, “I swear to GOD, He Xuan, if you put another FINGER on me I will break it, do you understand me?”

At this point, Hua Cheng, seeing that it actually was serious, put the car in park and got out.

“Black Water, step back,” he called over, walking menacingly over towards his beloved Gege who was now shielding Shi Qingxuan with his body.

“I said it was a misunderstanding!”

He Xuan was practically lunging at his Gege, trying to get past him to get to Shi Qingxuan.

“Not one more step,” Hua Cheng threatened. 

“Fine, whatever… She’s overreacting, as always,” he sneered, walking around in a circle, huffing and puffing. 

Neither of them had ever seen He Xuan this emotional before. 

“Can’t wait to hear what she says about me-”

“Take a walk, He Xuan,” Xie Lian suggested firmly. “We’ll talk about whatever it is like adults after we’ve all calmed down and not cause any more unnecessary conflict, ok?”

He cackled angrily, spitting slightly as he yelled, “Take a walk? No, it’s my fucking apartment-”

Hua Cheng appeared next to him immediately and was grabbing his shoulder, leading him away from the other two.

“Let’s take a little walk, shall we?” he said slyly, leading the unwilling companion away from the eye of the storm.

Xie Lian waited until he sat her down in the back seat of Hua Cheng’s car to start asking his litany of questions. But first, he helped her right the dress, helping tug and pull the dress around her casted arm through the sleeve.

“Thanks,” she said, sounding more relieved than she’d felt in a long time.

“Don’t even mention it,” he dismissed. “But can you explain even just a little bit of what I was just witness to?”

She buried her face in her hands and just shook her head. “It’s all too horrible, I don’t even know where to start…”

“I often find the beginning is a good place to start,” he said softly. “Let’s start there, shall we? The last thing I remember was He Xuan taking you back to his apartment after the concert. What happened after that?”

She jolted up in horror and tried to scramble out from the back seat, but Xie Lian ever so gently held her in place.

“What’s the matter?”

“I’ll get it dirty! His nice car! I-” her voice broke and she covered her mouth.

“A car is not worth a life,” he cooed. “Tell me what happened. Did he… do something to you?”

She laughed darkly and said, “Not in the way you’re thinking. No, that part was consensual at least, haha. It’s what happened after that was the problem.”

“Did he hurt you?”

“You could say that, yeah,” she said, wrapping her arms around her torso to hold herself. “He Xuan… He said… He told me he was the driver. From the accident. He was the hit-and-run driver. He said he killed my brother, A-Lian.”

“What?”

“And that’s not even the most fucked-up part!”

Xie Lian listened in abject horror to each new disturbing detail that unfolded from Shi Qingxuan’s mouth as she retold this evening's misfortunes.

“Wow,” he said, completely at a loss, not really knowing what the right words to say after someone tells you something this messed up. “Yeah. Wow. That’s… That’s a lot.”

They just stared at each other for a long time in silence, both unsure what to say.

“Do you want to call the police?” Xie Lian finally asked.

“What?”

“Do you want to press charges?” he rephrased. “For the accident? He confessed.”

“I don’t… I don’t know,” she said, instantly feeling torn. “He’s already been to jail and it fucked him up big time-”

“This isn’t about him right now. This is about you. What do you want to do?”

She stared at him for a moment. “I wanted the driver to pay. I wanted them to rot in hell forever. But… I… Knowing it's him… I can’t. I love him, Xie Lian. That’s the fucked up part. I still fucking love him.”

And it’s gonna tear me apart… she thought, heart feeling like a shark had ripped a vital chunk out of it.

“I mean, of course you still love him. You’ve been together for so long.”

“I’m the only living person still affected by the accident,” she continued. “So what good would it even do to report him?”

“It would probably mean he would have to pay for the damages and the funeral costs and your medical bills.”

She shook her head. “He doesn’t have any money.”

Xie Lian nodded.

“What the fuck do I do? This is so fucked,” she asked, helpless. “What do I do, Xie Lian?”

Xie Lian could only shake his head, “I don’t know.”

At that, she finally broke down into gross sobs. Xie Lian still couldn’t think of the right words to say to even try to begin comforting her. He just sat next to her and wrapped her in a tight hug, soothingly stroking her back. She cried into his sweater for a long while.

“I left some stuff in his apartment. I need to go get my shit…” she said after the tears had mostly stopped, hiccuping softly as she raised her head. She tried to move to get out of the car.

“You’re not going back in there,” Xie Lian promised. “What did you leave?”

“The crutch, my shoe and purse… Er, my bra and underwear, haha...”

“Are you ok to be left alone? I can go grab them real quick.”

She nodded at him and he promised he’d return quickly.

Left alone in the car, she shivered violently as her mind played back everything terrible that had just happened. Surely, her life wasn’t this fucked up, right? She had to be dreaming. She slapped herself a couple times, trying to wake up.

The horrible realization that she was awake and it was real made her start laughing. It was more of a shrill, trembling shriek than actual laughter, but her throat and voice were so shot, it was all she could make.

It was at that point that Hua Cheng and He Xuan had come back round after their walk. He Xuan hung back a couple of steps from Hua Cheng.

“Where’s Gege?” Hua Cheng asked.

“Went to grab some of my things,” she said, pulling herself out of the car and steadying herself on the door. She sniffed and wiped her runny nose on her dress.

Xie Lian, as if summoned, appeared before them holding her things in his hands. He eyed He Xuan warily and rushed over to Shi Qingxuan’s side to give her the crutch for support.

“You don’t have to do this right now,” he whispered to her. “We can arrange something when you’re feeling-”

“No, it’s fine. It might as well be now,” she said, feeling strangely calm. And she turned to face him. “…H-He Xuan,” she greeted.

“Bao.”

“I’m not gonna tell the police, so you don’t have to worry.”

His face scrunched up in confusion. “…That’s what you think I’m worried about right now, bao?”

“I honestly have no idea what you’re thinking right now,” she said plainly. “I don’t think I ever did.” 

She took a deep breath and started to try to consolidate her thoughts into coherent sentences.

“He Xuan, I love you,” she admitted, “Despite knowing I’m an idiot, I still love you, and maybe I always will. But I can’t… I can’t do this. I can’t be with you right now. Maybe ever. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to hear from you… I don’t want… I can’t… You killed my brother.”

Xie Lian put a hand on her back for support.

“Bao, please. He-”

“I don’t know what my brother ever did to you or your family or whatever it is you were saying, but I’m sorry. Really, I’m so sorry. If it was so bad that it inspired that much hate inside your heart, I’m truly horrified to think my brother had anything to do with what happened to your family.

“But, please, I have to know. Was this all some sort of fucked-up revenge against my brother to fall in love with me to get back-”

“No, it wasn’t,” he assured her. “That’s not- How could you think that of me? I didn’t know when I met you that it was that sonofa-”

He made a step towards her, but everyone moved at once. She flinched back and Xie Lian stepped in front of her. Hua Cheng, pulled his shoulder back.

“Please, that’s enough. I just… I can’t see you again.”

He didn’t reply for a long time before finally parsing out, “How long? Forever?” 

“I… I don’t know.”

He nodded, at least feigning understanding if nothing else. And he turned around to walk back into his apartment without another word.

Xie Lian and Hua Cheng stared at each other. Hua Cheng nodded softly, seemingly answering a question Xie Lian asked, like they were reading each other's minds.

“Please, stay at our place tonight,” Xie Lian offered.

“Normally, I’d try to refuse,” she replied hollowly, “but I really don’t want to be alone right now.”

Xie Lian wrapped his arms around her and she cried some more into his sweater.

They drove back to her apartment briefly so they could grab a couple of important things for her like medication and a change of clothes.

Once she was settled in their guest bedroom, freshly showered and wrapped in a thick fluffy towel, she flopped herself on the bed and stared at the ceiling. 

A thought came to her mind. She went to grab for her phone.

Tapping small water beads with still-wet fingers on the phone screen as she searched through her apps, she finally tapped what she was looking for.

“Hey, it’s me, Didi. I’ll be back way late tonight. A couple of us are gonna be studying for this big test. Apparently it’s supposed to be even harder than the MCAT, haha, so yeah. Don’t worry and definitely don’t wait up. Oh, hey. Would you mind throwing my laundry in the dryer? I didn’t get a chance to switch it before I left. Thanks. Love you, bye.”

This was the last piece of his voice left in this world. She played the message one last time.

She clutched her phone in her hand and shriveled into a ball on the bed, feeling more tears leak from her eyes as she pressed delete on his contact.

“Goodbye, Ge,” she whispered.

A/N:

Alternate title: SQX and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day

Anyways hahaha this fic is my tear-stained love letter to BeefLeaf. I take psychic and physical damage every time I think about them. I literally make the Minecraft villager noise when they get hit like walking randomly down the street cuz half I just lose HP at the mere thought of SQX. 

I thought this was gonna be a short little song-fic and then it turned into like 18k of pure angst and also somehow my first smut? My blood sweat and tears have been poured lovingly into this fic and I really hope it shows. I think it’s one of my best pieces ever.

Special thank you to @/echochqmber and @tsukimefuku for helping beta this massive fic. Jeez. Round of applause for yall.

Green dividers by CafeKitsune!

Bonus song haha:

Cross-posted on tumblr and AO3.

All writing and art posted by this blog is original work by ©RedLikeRozez. Do not reupload, translate, copy, or claim as your own work.

[lovefrombegonia]

Angsty Beefleaf headcanon:

*whispers* you have been warned. it's angstyyy.

I hope that post cannon shi qingxuan lives a fulfilling life. I hope he lives appreciated and admired by people around him. I hope he is surrounded by friends and loved ones. I hope he falls in love again. I hope he makes his own family again, lives a long, happy and healthy life, and he passes away in the arms of his beloved, knowing that he is moving on to the other side with peace and content in his heart. I hope he never sees he xuan again. In fact, I hope he somehow...one day, "forgot" about he xuan. He kinda recalls having a best friend during his time as wind master, and that his brother died in the hands of someone they wronged. Which is why he was banished from heaven. But other than that, it seems SQX gradually forgot about HX. He knows about blackwater calamity but only as that...a distant legend. No one ever talks about that past to him now. Everyone agrees that maybe SQX forgetting about it all is for the best. Xie Lian was worried at first that he was cursed by some entity but Hua Cheng assured him that he is in no danger. In the end, SQX lived a happy life. So, it doesn't matter he doesn't remember any Ming-xiong or he xuan or he sheng. Only what matters is that SQX is happy, free of the trauma he went through because of black water sinking ships. Atleast...as much free of the traumatic memories as he xuan could erase without hurting the one who tethered him to the mortal realm.

So, I hope SQX lived a happy life. I hope he xuan could finally rest in peace.

[jayktoralldaylong]

Meeting Shi Qingxuan like: "Oh this is our comic relief character." ^_^

The Plot: (Laughs in MXTX)

[jayktoralldaylong]

TGCF SPOILERS BOOK 3

Probably the saddest thing about BeefLeaf is that they would never get their happy ending because of Shi Wudu's existence. In a sick twisted way he started their story and he ended it. 💀