☕️: this boy luvs music with his whole heart, like he's always listening to music with his tangled wired headphones.
☕️: he has a dedicated playlist for you that he listens to when he's missing you. all the cutest romance songs from the 50's and 60's. from elvis to sinatra to nat king cole, every song was perfectly curated to what reminds him of you, his darling.
☕️: his love language is quality time. this man is so deeply inlove and he just wants to share every moment with you — good and bad.
☕️: he has remnants of you all over his bedroom. a love letter with your lipstick stain in the corner, photos from a photobooth, a ticket from your date at the theatre, a trinket you gifted him, and his sweater with your perfume on it.
☕️: bertholdt is an amazing guitar player. he's in a little band and spends a lot of his free time playing guitar for you. he really enjoys teaching you guitar, he finds it adorable how hard you try to focus on it.
☕️: he's also a sucker for physical touch, especially in public. bertholdt can be quite an anxious boy, so he is always reaching out for your hands to hold when he's nervous.
☕️: bert is genuinely such a romantic guy it's sickeningly adorable. his favourite thing to do is pick wildflowers for you and present them to you, and to keep them alive, he presses them.
☕️: in school, he's ever so quiet, except around his bestfriend reiner. you honestly find it endearing how close the two are. you're close with reiner yourself, and he's a forever third wheel.
☕️: bertholdt luvs sharing his headphones with you, he just thinks it's so lovely to be so close to you, listening to the songs he loves.
☕️: this guy LUVS books with his whole heart, like genuinely he's always reading. he's a sucker for classics, but his dirty pleasure is a good romance novel.
☕️: he also takes photos on a cute little digital camera, he takes pictures of you through his eyes. anything he takes, he takes with luv and prides himself on how absolutely gorgeous you are.
☕️: ANDDDD he paints. there's nothing this man can't do. he's such a creative soul, and such a talented artist. he paints the sweetest portraits ever of you💘
☕️: bertholdt luvs dogs. like. LUVVVSSS them. he always sends u cheesy photos of him and his dog (like the one above) and it just melts your heart.
☕️: bertholdt luvs laying against you and having you rake your fingers through his black locks. he almost always falls asleep to it, hands gripping onto whatever sweater of his you have on, mumbling quietly about how much he adores you.
☕️: bertholdt luvs to cook dinner for you, and he's damn good at it too. he's always coming up with new recipes for you to taste, and as much as you let out small groans, you wouldn't change it for the world. (seriously, his foods so good it's annoying.)
☕️: bertholdt can be sort of insecure in your relationship, but only because he doubts himself so much. for the life of him, he can't wrap his head around why you chose to be with him.
☕️: but, once you stand up on your highest tippy toes and wrap your arms around him, pulling him down into a deep kiss, all worries and doubts melt away.
☕️: bertholdt also struggles with comparing himself to others, especially his bestfriend. i mean, reiner is every chicks wet dream, and bertholdts just... there.
☕️: you're quick to shut that down though. you always remind him of how handsome and pretty he is, and you're obsessed with him. it honestly makes him feel so much better about himself.
☕️: bertholdt genuinely treats you like you're a princess in your own little fantasy world. he's forever gifting you things, he refuses to let you pay for things like nails, hair, and clothes. he just loves seeing you happy, even if it's coming from his pocket. you're his little baby and he luvs you sooooo much.
☕️: he will always call you "honey" always. it's his thing, and you ADORE IT. coming from his lips, it is the smoothest and sweetest thing. always makes you tingly.
☕️: speaking of, bertholdt is a FIEND for tickling you. even if it's him playfully brushing his lips against your neck to make you squirm, he just luvs hearing you laugh.
☕️: bertholdt is such a good boyfriend, honestly. he treats you so perfectly, and he's always checking up on you, bringing you lunches to school and telling you how much he luvs you.
☕️: if you are struggling with your mental health, bertholdt will always be by your side. he's no stranger to struggling. some days are worse than others, and on particularly bad days, where you find it hard to move or eat, he'll do everything necessary.
☕️: no, really. he'll clean your room up, run you a bath with some epsom salts, he'll cook you dinner. he'll even feed you. zero embarrassment with him. he wants you to be okay first and foremost. once your bath is done, he'll gently help you dress and he'll brush through your hair.
☕️: if you get periods, you couldn't ask for a better boyfriend to have. he's one message away, and he always has supplies at the ready. chocolate, salty snacks, water, heat packs and whatever hygiene products you prefer.
☕️: this boy is NOT one to be embarrassed by a little blood. (or a lot) it's a natural process the body goes through. what on earth is embarrassing about that??
☕️: he treats you like a princess all the time, but even moreso on your period. he'll lay in bed with you and let you cry it out for hours. he'll hold you and assure you that everything will be okay.
☕️: he's just a literal angel.
physical bert hc's 🪼
🌧: biggggg nose. so pretty on him. so perfect. so sexy. sculpted by the gods themselves.
🌧: freckles scattered all over his nose! >_< they make him even more adorbs, they really pop up when the sun comes out.
🌧: longggg thin fingers with prominent veins. they're perfect for... holding! that being said his hands are large. he's a tall guy!
🌧: sleeper build. majorrrr sleeper build. like it shocked you the first time you seen his muscles because he hides them behind his sweaters.
🌧: that being said, his spine is very prominent. he's quite lean, so his spine pokes out from beneath his skin. so beautiful, though.
🌧: SUCH a prominent adams apple. like, your eyes are naturally drawn to it. it's so attractive.
🌧: greyish green eyes that are enchanting. they genuinely hypnotise you. he knows this, and so he purposely leans down to "hear" you, doing that little "mhm."
🌧: so tall. it's literally canon. this guy is TALLLLL so, it's unlikely you're taller than him. (hey, if you are, he finds that hot.) he uses his height to his advantage, especially lifting you up to kiss you.
🌧: despite being slim, he's a strong guy. like, surprisingly freakishly strong. his strength is super attractive, because he lifts you with such natural ease.
🌧: bertholdt prides himself on being clean. like, he showers every single day. he can't stand the feeling of not being clean, it freaks him out.
🌧: adding onto that, he's a well groomed guy. he shaves frequently, and he isn't overly hairy despite his dark hair.
🌧: he always smells woody and earthy, with a hint of spice that you go FERAL for. he always smells good, always. his hair smells fresh every day, and it's honestly addicting.
🌧: he has quite thin lips, but he always keeps them fuckers moisturised. he always has the softest fucking lips it lowkey pisses you off.
🌧: bertholdt's voice is low and sensual, even moreso in the morning. like, waking up next to him is a DREAM because you could just listen to him talk for hours upon hours.
🌧: he's always dressed nice. always. even if he's just staying home, he's in slacks and a sweater with a leather belt. it's super attractive that he actually puts in the effort to look nice everyday.
🌧: whenever he's nervous, he's prone to fidgeting and cracking his knuckles. poor boy is extremely anxious, that's why he always reaches for you — you're his support system.
🌧: bertholdt wears rings and a watch. you bought them for him and he just adores them — like he adores you. he actually uses his watch though, it's not even for show. he's old-school like that. (bro can read clocks...)
🌧: bertholdt has quite fair skin, with olive undertones. he's definitely prone to sunburn, so you always nag him to wear suncream!
🌧: he also has a birthmark on his collarbone. specifically a café-au-lait one. it suits him really well, even if he can be insecure about it.
🌧: firm believer that bertholdt has a natural wave to his hair which is SO ADORABLEEEEEEE.
🌧: also his eyebrows. not insanely bushy, but just a little bit. (so cute omg...)
berts favourite dates ⚘️
💋: bertholdt loves cosy dates. like, they're his favourite thing ever. bring this man to an art gallery and he's the happiest man alive.
💋: seriously, this man will spend HOURS analysing paintings and yapping your ear off about the deep meanings behind them all.
💋: he's so cute like this, so obviously you encourage it!! art is something he's so passionate about and you adore it!!
💋: he is a sucker for a calm date. sitting by a pond on a cool, foggy day, feeding the ducks? the dream. being with you is like a slice of heaven.
💋: he does, however, love surprising you with things you're interested in!! for example, if you love theatre, he will always take you out to shows and plays. seeing you happy is the best thing in the world to him.
💋: bertholdt is such a romantic man, it's insane. he's the type to scatter rose petals intricately around the bedroom floor whilst he sets out the gifts he carefully and picked for you on the bed, with a stunning cake he handmade himself.
💋: he loves going out to dinner in small, warm restaurants. dimly lit candle light, talking over a huge bowl of pasta and some wine? a life he could certainly get used to.
💋: however, he loves inexpensive dates like a theme park, the arcade, or even a picnic! he always makes fresh finger foods for picnics, and takes the cutest pictures of you for your instagram.
💋: i'm convinced you could never find a better man. he IS the standard, and he worships the ground you walk on.
Listen to episode 65 of ’60 Minutes or less’, featuring Primitive Ring!
Words: Andy Hughes
Welcome to ’60 Minutes or less’ – a podcast from Birthday Cake For Breakfast – where for episode 65, we get fuzzy, welcoming Bert Hoover, Jon Modaff and Charles Moothart of power-trio supergroup Primitive Ring!
Formed in September 2024 and featuring players from the likes of Groop, Frankie and the Witch Fingers, Fuzz and GØGGS, last year saw Primitive Ring release four 7″s…
Why do people even ship Ymir and Bert together? Like, they're two of the gayest characters in snk and you're wasting your time by shipping them together?
